gain goal regain How was your 5:2 day today?

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Cathy, what is your favorite thing so far, to make in the slow cooker? My Mom used it for stews or spicy Buffalo chicken wings when I was a kid.

SarSar, I feel the same way. My instinct is to give you advice but you have heard it all and know rationally what you "should" do, etc. and one more voice saying those things won't make you feel better.

14 weeks in on my diet, 14 pounds down. A pound a week is how much I lost when I was at my most obese, prior to surgery, on a 1400 calorie diet. Now, I am eating 600 calories a day, have excruciating heartburn because of surgery, am still obese, and still only losing a pound a week. f|u|c|k this s|h|i|t.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Thinking of you all!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Well after over a month of"rest" I did some yardwork and my right breast ballooned up again. I am a little discouraged but in my insomnia I came up with a plan. Dr Sauceda suspects an implant leak even though radiologists says I don't have one. Dr Sauceda warrants his work and wants me to fly down for replacement. My plan is to get drained again to relieve pressure, then take my images to a local plastic surgeon that I have a good relationship with and ask his opinion. I am told this is not an urgent crisis but should be dealt with soon. I am still bewildered as to what caused this. My implants, until this incident, have been amazing and natural looking and feeling.

Maybe the difference in life on wellbutrin is that I can actually come up with a plan rather then freezing like a deer in headlights.

On an exciting topic, new appliances arrive today and remodel begins on Monday!

[sarsar 824]

I feel frozen and sad tonight. Crying. The crying comes when I least expect it. I'm not one to cry much.

My dad is having tests this week. On Monday we go to meet with his team of doctors. They all will have met and looked at all the tests and let us know what they think the best treatment plan will be.

I will go with them to all of the appointments.

I search the internet looking for answers to questions that I have even though we don't even know where he is at yet. What stage? We will know Monday.

I found this today that someone has posted on a site.

Deep down in my soul I feel this won't be good and that he won't last long. I hope I am wrong.

My mom and dad just celebrated their 50th Anniversary. They are so in love. I don't want them to hurt and be sad.

[sarsar 824]

Thank you all for you kind words. Thanks for the support you all give.

I'm just going to come on here sometimes and say what's on my mind and get it out. It may not make much sense or the words may not flow very well but I'm going to let it out.

Someone told me that even though there are such sad times that cancer brings to our lives, that there are also blessings that will come. I'm going to look for these blessings as we go through this.

Feel free to share any blessing you have found while you went through this battle with someone else. Maybe there are blessings that I will be able to give and receive.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Sarah I am so sorry you are suffering so much. I wish I had words to offer but sadly my family experiences with cancer have not been miracle stories.

I was devastated when I lost my sister and at some point I realized my grief exceeded what people thought is normal for losing a sibling. The blessing for me was realizing I was so lucky to have a sister I loved and was so bonded with - like a twin maybe. I realized that we had a special relationship and I gave thanks for having it.

When i read about your dad I can't help but think of a life well lived and the kind if dad many of us wished for. That feeling of admiration and your love for him shine through. ..and that is true whether he lives another 3 months, years or decades. That can never be taken away.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Found out I need to have right implant removed. yippie.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Removed and replaced?

Sar, sending you positive energy, for healing and acceptance. Just love as much as you can.

Having excruciating esophageal spasms, been happening since I started trying to get off the daily antacids I've been on for 5 years now...

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

Sarah, I am honored that you feel close enough to us to share your feelings during such a difficult time.

Sheryl, I can't believe you have to have it removed. They are going to replace it though, right?

I just went to a talk this evening given by a nutritionist/dietitian who talked about plant based eating. She says it's not the same thing as being vegan. Anyway, she gave all these different illnesses and claimed they can all be improved by plant based eating. She especially mentioned MS .

[feedyoureye 3,087]

I feel frozen and sad tonight. Crying. The crying comes when I least expect it. I'm not one to cry much.

My dad is having tests this week. On Monday we go to meet with his team of doctors. They all will have met and looked at all the tests and let us know what they think the best treatment plan will be.

I will go with them to all of the appointments.

I search the internet looking for answers to questions that I have even though we don't even know where he is at yet. What stage? We will know Monday.

I found this today that someone has posted on a site.

ImageUploadedByBariatricPal1442460468.838009.jpg

Deep down in my soul I feel this won't be good and that he won't last long. I hope I am wrong.

My mom and dad just celebrated their 50th Anniversary. They are so in love. I don't want them to hurt and be sad.

Oh Girlfriend... Life has such sweet sorrow! My mom was sick and passed a year ago... She and my dad were together for 67 years... I too felt for them and my Dads future without mom. I have to say, I jumped in and made the most of every minute I could with mom and dad. I didn't want there to be a chance that Mom had any question in her mind that I did not care for her or love her to pieces. I did a lot of hand holding, joking, normal conversations and a few times had the chance to guide her in her fear and confusion through a story of Love, not only our love for her, but her love for us, gratitude and ultimately her faith in God. I told her that all the love she had given to us all was now coming back to her... and she would be able to live in all that love. I had the chance to tell her that we would be ok, and she could go and feel released and she didn't have to worry about us we would miss her, but she had prepared us well with her love and caring through the years.

I did this for her, I did this for the others in the family who maybe did not have the skill or strength, and I did it for me. I did not want to have any regrets about her last days and what I did in them. I also organized her commemoration and such, and tried to do things her way... lovely and generous as she was. This was a blessing for me and my family. I know I am still sad, and even started taking antidepressants after a year where the grief really caught up with me, and they have been such a life saver as well. I am the kind of person that want to dive into every aspect of life, even the dark and difficult ones because it is our life after all, and life is to be lived in all its complexities, and there is "gold in that sh*t"! meaning, you can find great knowledge in the difficult.... richness.... time to love mom, even a few months to show your love to your dad is a blessing.... so sorry you are going through this... and him and your mom.... your family....

Found out I need to have right implant removed. yippie. - Surgery! Sometimes these things seem to have no end! Well, hope it goes well, and you can move on from it quickly...

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Kim, thank you for such a beautiful essay about the end of your mother's life. I tried to do right by my mom and sister, but I was less mature then. I spent lots of time and did caregiving, but i wasn't as good at the "letting go" part. I think that is a maturity thing - 11 years since my mom's death, and now I probably could do that, but i couldn't then.

Well, current recommendation is that implant is removed, go mismatched for 3 months and let things heal before "re-implanting". Not the end of the world... but crap.... that is going to be weird. The worst part for me is that there is some risk that they can't reuse the same "plane" for the implant which means the other side might need to be removed and replaced in a different place so they "match". If I were unhappy with my implants, I would see it as an opportunity, but my breasts are perfect - no scars, perfect size, look and feel pretty natural - I have to tell a lover they are implants for example because they don't scream "fake". Anyway, I am bummed but I will get over it and do what I need to do.

It reconfirms the decision to sell my young horse - she is so difficult to handle and when I am "laid up" she becomes quite feral. She is now in a home where they have multiple horse people so if mom needs surgery, there are others to keep her in line. I am sad I sold her as I loved her, but this just wasn't working.

I am still on low dose of Wellbutrin, I was supposed to double dose this week. Since getting used to it tends to cause anxiety, i am holding off on upping the dose. I have a home remodel starting, shitstorm at work and now the breast thing... i didn't need to risk going all anxiety wind up. I am actually finding this low dose to be quite helpful for now.... but I realize that I need to face jumping the dose up at some point.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Good news... i am now only 8 pounds over goal. I am losing about half to 1 pound a week... slow but at least it is going the right direction!

My goal is: 158

Lowest weight about 140

Regained to about 170, but one day I did see 173 on the scale...yikes!

Slowly, very slowly inching back down... currently 166

I am hoping to be at 160 by Halloween.... step by step

Maybe I can be down to 150 by Feb? - my Maui trip is that month!

Sadly... I will likely be missing an implant for that trip.

[sarsar 824]

Sheryl, did the doctor here say it needs to be removed? That stinks! When are you having surgery?

Glad you getting back down to goal again!

[sarsar 824]

Ladies, thank you all so much for your words of advice and your kind words. They have really meant a lot to me. Just knowing you are all hear for me and that I have a safe place to come and say whatever is on my mind and in my heart is very comforting to me at this time.

This week has been pretty good. I've been trying to stay busy. I've been working out and that helps with stress. I also notice that if I am keeping my diet clean that it helps a lot with my anxiety and depression.

I am so thankful I am able to exercise again and I am getting back to where I was before the accident/concussion. I am toning up again and that feels good.

Tomorrow is the day we meet with the team of doctors to find out the results of all of the tests my dad has had throughout the week. We will find out what stage of cancer he has and if it has spread. Tomorrow afternoon is when this happens. I have mixed emotions about it. I wish this wasn't happening but we need to know what we are dealing with. I'm hoping these doctors are open and honest and don't hold things back. I like to know the facts. I don't want them beat of around the bush.

I wanted to share some pictures of my mom and dad with you. I stated before that my parents just celebrated their 50th. They are so in love and it's so much fun to watch them together.

Let me give you a little background...my mom had the sleeve done I'm February. She has lost over 80 pounds so far and she it's like she is 40 years old again! She has so much life in her!! She's 69 and my dad is 73.

We had a celebration for them for their 50th and then they went away for a few days by themselves. While they were gone my mom had my dad riding go-carts, going zip lining, and going on a Segway tour. She kept texting us pictures of their adventures. My dad is very laid back and not much of the adventurous type so him doing these things with my mom just shows his love for her!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Loved those pix Sarah! !!

I weighed 163 this morning...heading the right direction!

I think this wellbutrin is making me act weird.