gain goal regain How was your 5:2 day today?

[UK Cathy 977]

Kim you seem to get on well with the 5 day reset. Do you do fluids 2 days, soft food 2 and solids 1?

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

@@UK Cathy I suck at doing those kind of really rigid resets... but I have successfully reset. I was helped by starting the wellbutrin, although the decreased appetite side effect has worn off AND by the construction in my house which completely eliminated my ability to snack on anything besides Protein drinks..haha. anyway, it is like once you aren't eating so much, it just gets easier.

I don't think I will have a loss this week (aiming for 1# a week) but I am still on track for my mini goal of 158 by Halloween.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

So, Friday I had a very good appointment with my counselor. I hadn't seen her in a long time but I had something very specific to bring up. I wanted a diagnosis. I am not depressed, I am not bipolar... but, something isn't quite right to my way of thinking. I won't bore you with the details, but I cannot get my mind around how I have the best day-to-day life I have EVER had and yet I sometimes feel so empty. That empty feeling is less and less frequent, but it rears up predictably after bad news (like a doc appointment that shakes me up) or some kind of disappointment. It might last only an hour, it might last a few days. It isn't depression, but it is a heartache. It can easily spin into anxiety. When I was obese, I was physically so miserable, I don't recall this - I suspect it was because I stuffed it away with food or maybe because I felt so low it wasn't as noticable.

Anyway, i wanted to know if I have a personality disorder. This kind of crap fits in with borderline personalities etc.

so, we had a long talk about it and she was very clear that I do not have borderline or other personality disorders but i have this underlying "abondonnment issues". It is due to my early childhood and some stuff that happened (I was raised by older sisters who moved out and left me and so I didn't really bond with my mom as a small child due to the size and chaos of my family).

We talked about alot of things I experience - including my friendships, my dating life, how i feel about casual aquaintances vs friends. She found ways to point it all back to that underlying fear of abandonment. Example, I am often bored/disinterested by people I meet. It is like, I don't feel all that interested in people unless I have a real connection or more likely, have known them a long time. Like at least a year. She told me to practice looking into that "bored" or disinterested feeling and probably behind it is my fear.anxiety of letting them get to close ... all related to this abandonment theme but I just don't recognize it.

So, it made a bunch of stuff make a bit of sense to me. Example, since being single, the only man I have felt anything resembling love/attachment toward is my old FWB Steven. Well, we have lots of chemistry, he is brilliant and a great conversationalist, I have known him a few years now... i can go on and on about "reasons" but you know what is really under it? i have lost my temper at him and he never rejects me. I realize that he is one of the few people in my life that I feel like I can be completely myself/honest and he will still love me because he knows my flaws and I know his and at a certain level we are both very accepting of them. Of course, that is a deadend/not a real relationship and I rarely even talk to him anymore, but my point it is it was very insightful to understand the feelings behind it.

I have two girlfriends i have this kind of depth and trust with and it took a long time to get there.

We talked about how I AM healing, I am getting better, I am moving forward and I have some new strategies to try since I don't like feeling this emptiness. I don't need to be happy all the time, but I really hate that bad lonely feeling. I left invigorated and feeling more hopeful about myself.

during the drive home, I realized something. I used to have a personal motto that was very negative and i don't think it anymore. I used to always say "Everybody leaves, even if they didn't mean to". I developed that motto after my sister died as it was such a huge loss to me. But it is deeper then losing her, I think i really did expect everyone to abondon me at some point.

It seems so odd because I am pretty self confident/not a clingy needy kind of person but this insight does explain how I felt so lonely at times.

I know some of us on this board have struggled with some low times/depression/etc. I am curious if any of you have found ways to peel back the onion a bit and find what is under it. I want to live the next decades of my life the very best I can. I wasted some quality of life on obesity and I sure don't want to waste my future contentment on this.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Kim you seem to get on well with the 5 day reset. Do you do fluids 2 days, soft food 2 and solids 1?

Cathy, http://5daypouchtest.com/ this is the plan I "follow". I put that word in quotes because being a vegetrian, I improvise a bit. As you see, there are a few recipes that don't look like "diet" fair at all. fatty, creamy, Soups that resemble stews included in the first two days... I make something like that... I don't formally count calories while doing this... I make mushroom Soups, spit pea, bean soups, and even a fake meat and potato stew this time... I also include Protein Drinks for Breakfast. Even though it is not very low carbs, it is lower than what I normally eat, and I find I jump over the carb monster in the first two days, then I just eat more firm Proteins as the days go on. I can try and try to get back on a plan to get the loss going again, and I have to say, this plan gets that going for me.... I like it. When I stop eating this way, I will gain the weight back.... but Im going at it with the intent to keep more of the principles in place. I have lost 7 pounds in the last week, my pants are looser (hurrah) I have lost quite a bit of my head hunger, and find myself wanting to eat because I actually need to.... I have not been strict about it... I did make chocolate (gluten and sugar free) mug cakes the other day that were delish... and drank a half of a Margarita and some champagne last night at a big party at the local Museum, and still lost a half a pound this morning (I did dance for almost 3 hours...). We have had no bread in the house this week...

I say its worth a try, and doesnt have to be too strict... eat the hardy fair, it helps keep you feeling satisfied.

I know some of us on this board have struggled with some low times/depression/etc. I am curious if any of you have found ways to peel back the onion a bit and find what is under it. I want to live the next decades of my life the very best I can. I wasted some quality of life on obesity and I sure don't want to waste my future contentment on this.

Sheryl... I went through lots of therapy... some conventional and some not... My issue was pinned to being born premature, and put into an incubatorfor 10 days. My mom was told that I would not survive by the Doc... she was afraid to bond with me, and I was left mostly to the nurses. I "remember" through hypnosis, the cold hands and rubber gloves.... feeling like I really wanted to live when I was born, then was confronted with this cold and sterile environment.... My mother and father loved me very much, but I was just a little detached with them. I had the idea that they didn't want me to be warm and huggie... Mom used to tell me that I didn't hold my hands up to be picked up by her...which made her feel like she wasnt wanted by me, that was not true, but I didn't know that. I still have some insecurity about being able to be friends with people... just like with my family, I love and feel attached, but do not reach out readily. I don't want to be a bother.... I have grown out of this quite a bit, and reach out more... but the drop of insecurity is still there....drugging myself with food was filling that insecurity for sure... and still rears its ugly head. I can almost always trace my impulse eating to emotions.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

160.2 this morning! I was expecting to stay even but had a 2# loss this week. Just 2# more to be back to goal!!!

[UK Cathy 977]

Thanks for the link Kim - need to do and want to do it as I need to de- carb. I just need my head in the right place. I'm just over the 200 mark and I want my weight to start with a 1. It seems to be a right psychological barrier. It was the same when I lost 1st time, I went into a stall for many weeks at 200. All in my head I would like to be think but really it is on my hips!

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Had an awful day yesterday...but its over. Today will be better.

I saw 159 on the scale this morning! Very very close to goal again! I still want to get under 150, but this is feeling good.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Interesting insights.

I attach with people, but slowly. I really think there is something to this whole theory because it explains alot of things - like why I don't fall in love very easily as just an example.

Kim you seem to get on well with the 5 day reset. Do you do fluids 2 days, soft food 2 and solids 1?

Cathy, http://5daypouchtest.com/ this is the plan I "follow". I put that word in quotes because being a vegetrian, I improvise a bit. As you see, there are a few recipes that don't look like "diet" fair at all. fatty, creamy, Soups that resemble stews included in the first two days... I make something like that... I don't formally count calories while doing this... I make mushroom Soups, spit pea, bean soups, and even a fake meat and potato stew this time... I also include Protein drinks for Breakfast. Even though it is not very low carbs, it is lower than what I normally eat, and I find I jump over the carb monster in the first two days, then I just eat more firm Proteins as the days go on. I can try and try to get back on a plan to get the loss going again, and I have to say, this plan gets that going for me.... I like it. When I stop eating this way, I will gain the weight back.... but Im going at it with the intent to keep more of the principles in place. I have lost 7 pounds in the last week, my pants are looser (hurrah) I have lost quite a bit of my head hunger, and find myself wanting to eat because I actually need to.... I have not been strict about it... I did make chocolate (gluten and sugar free) mug cakes the other day that were delish... and drank a half of a Margarita and some champagne last night at a big party at the local Museum, and still lost a half a pound this morning (I did dance for almost 3 hours...). We have had no bread in the house this week...

I say its worth a try, and doesnt have to be too strict... eat the hardy fair, it helps keep you feeling satisfied.

I know some of us on this board have struggled with some low times/depression/etc. I am curious if any of you have found ways to peel back the onion a bit and find what is under it. I want to live the next decades of my life the very best I can. I wasted some quality of life on obesity and I sure don't want to waste my future contentment on this.

Sheryl... I went through lots of therapy... some conventional and some not... My issue was pinned to being born premature, and put into an incubatorfor 10 days. My mom was told that I would not survive by the Doc... she was afraid to bond with me, and I was left mostly to the nurses. I "remember" through hypnosis, the cold hands and rubber gloves.... feeling like I really wanted to live when I was born, then was confronted with this cold and sterile environment.... My mother and father loved me very much, but I was just a little detached with them. I had the idea that they didn't want me to be warm and huggie... Mom used to tell me that I didn't hold my hands up to be picked up by her...which made her feel like she wasnt wanted by me, that was not true, but I didn't know that. I still have some insecurity about being able to be friends with people... just like with my family, I love and feel attached, but do not reach out readily. I don't want to be a bother.... I have grown out of this quite a bit, and reach out more... but the drop of insecurity is still there....drugging myself with food was filling that insecurity for sure... and still rears its ugly head. I can almost always trace my impulse eating to emotions.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Back from vacay, not even going to weigh myself till next week. Didn't eat pizza or Pasta or drink wine, don't even remember really eating anything, just drinking a lot of coffee, lol. Lampredotto, mushrooms, a few bites of my Mother's panino, affogato, Cappuccino, we cooked for ourselves - sardines and greens, and had a glass of champagne the last night. But mostly it was a cappuccino in the morning, lots of walking, another coffee at midday with a shared pastry, a ton more walking, and then some salad or nothing for dinner. Seriously, I cannot remember eating a real meal except for the very first night we arrived - sauteed porcinis and peas and prociutto. So, going to have to detox from the sugar in those cappuccini, and the lovely carbs in those morning cornetti.

[UK Cathy 977]

Did you have a good time?

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

@@globetrotter Welcome home. How was the trip? What did you see? Did you and your mom get quality time together?

I hope you did get to taste some of the wonderful food there.. to me it is part of the ITalian experience although you have to watch the portions for sure!

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

Sheryl, I know what you mean and I have been trying in therapy to understand why I hate being alone and why I feel like I HAVE to have a man in my life.

It makes no sense to me, because I had a good childhood, although my dad wasn't home much. We owned a grocery store and he was there, all the time. When I got older I worked with him.

I get really depressed some days, because I start thinking that I will be alone forever.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

My implant removal is scheduled for Oct 29. I am so bummed it has come to this but the surgeon's assistant gave me a great pep talk and encouragement it will all work out.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

My feelings on the topic are quite complex. I feel like it is natural for me to be in a serious relationship..it is my life pattern, but the longer I am single, the more I appreciate my singleness. I don't worry about being alone forever, I think I stress more about being "stuck" in a bad relationship because I clearly don't have a good track record at picking...and yet I am drawn to the "idea" of having a life partner.

For now, it is all put on hold until I get some stuff sorted out -breast issue being one item on that list.

Sheryl, I know what you mean and I have been trying in therapy to understand why I hate being alone and why I feel like I HAVE to have a man in my life.

It makes no sense to me, because I had a good childhood, although my dad wasn't home much. We owned a grocery store and he was there, all the time. When I got older I worked with him.

I get really depressed some days, because I start thinking that I will be alone forever.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I am up at this early hour due to sick old dog. He is no longer keeping food down. He vomited foam after digesting the mild chicken/rice I home cooked for him since he can't tolerate dog food anymore. He is 14, arthritic and has a spinal problem. It is time to let him go but the kids are adamantly opposed. I have been going along with palliative care for about 5 months and have reached the point where I don't care what the family thinks, I can't let him keep suffering.

As part of the "treatment " for the vomiting he must be taken off the 3 pain meds he is on for 3 days. Tomorrow he will start hurting.

It just isn't right but in a family of males I am the only one brave enough to face this.