Would you go on a date with someone who didn't ask you out until you lost weight?

[Wheetsin 714]

Couple'r things, naturally. Comments inside the quotes in blue for the sake of coherence.

I frequently wonder if I should have just broken off our freindship with that but I didn't. Why would him not being attracted to you physically mean you can't have a friendship? Are you only comfortable having friends who find you physically attractive? Seems to me he's that muchs tronger in the friend category, since you asked for an honest answer and he gave it to you, even though that's not what you wanted to hear. IMO that's a great quality in a friend. We are still really good friends and he is very supportive of my weight loss. We have a blast when we are together & he genuinely seems happy to hear from me. We still date about once per month. So am I making a big mistake here? I guess I'd have to ask what you mean by "date". Does date mean hook up? Or does date mean potentially interested in a deeper non-platonic relationship? Does "date" mean the same thing to both of you? Because I can't imagine many guys "dating" someone they aren't attracted to, unless they're getting something out of it, and if it's something they can get through a platonic friendship, there's no reason to date. Is his character crummy because he isn't attracted to me while heavy? No. Obesity is not attractive, at least not to most people out there, and IMO we have no right faulting people for that. And.... there is no real guarantee that he will be attracted to me when I am slim. Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder and perhaps I need to be happy with his honesty?? Bingo It is hard on the old self esteem however to know he does not find me attractive - that's a tough one! I'm confused - you're dating once a month, but you're just friends, but you're hurt that he's not physically attracted to you. I think things would be a lot more clear if you could define the relationship (both of you) and reach agreement.

I would really welcome some other's perspectives!

My first husband wasn't attracted to me when i got heavy and he let me know it, it really hurt. I flat out told him that if he couldn't love me for who i was than he was shallow. Why do you equate physical attraction and love? Because he wasn't attracted to you doesn't mean he can't love you. Maybe that's not what the real situation was like, but it's what you've said -- he isn't attracted to me, he didn't love me. Attraction and love are only related in a weird kind of continuum way... To me, attraction is what opens the door to love... and it doesn't have to be physical attraction. If your'e attracted to someone, generally physically, chances are much higher than you'll get to know them. Physical attraction (i know from my own experiences) can come after the fact. Most people have a "type" that they're attracted to, physically, and for most people that isn't "obese"... but there are a lot of men out there who love their obese wives.

I also told him, if I ever lost weight I would kick him to the curb for the way he treated me heavy! To me this is a statement of poor self-esteem. IF I lost weight, I would get rid of you because you treat me bad, but until I lose weight, I'm staying with you. Do I interpret that correctly? If he's not good enough for you skinny, why is he good enough for you now?

[lovatofish 0]

Wheetsin - Thank you for your insight. It is difficult to get perspective when emotions are involved. So when did u get so smart??

[rroswelltx 1]

Wheetsin,

When he said he wasn't physically attrated to me, it wasn't only that. Making jokes about me in front of family and friends telling me my big fat a$$ may not make it through the door. Now keep in mind when I was married to this man 14yrs ago my weight was not near where it was when I had surgery it was like 180. He would turn his lip into a scowl when I would crawl in bed with him. NONE of it felt anything like LOVE to me! I am married to a wonderful man now, and he is extremely overweight but i love him for who he is, and would never treat him as i was treated.

As far as the statement about if I lost weight I would dump him, well i did dump him and i was still fat. But I was trying to show him that he should love me and not my appearance. Of course I had self-esteem issue's. I don't know of too many people that are obese that don't (I'm NOT saying everyone does). He was hurtful and mean, and I was trying to hurt him back, you know the vicious cycle we all fall into!

If you marry someone for better or worse then the physicall shouldn't be the only thing you go on, it should be much, much deeper. But with him it wasn't he was plain shallow!!!!!

[marjon9 6]

I agree that you should not marry someone unless you love them, and if you love them you would still love them if they got fat. There is no excuse for abusing your wife or husband for being fat.

But on the other hand, serious obesity is almost universally considered unattractive. I think if you marry someone you also owe that person your best effort to not become extremely unattractive. Yes, your spouse should stick with you through both "thick" and "thin," so to speak, but it really sucks to ask them to do that. I think it is grossly unfair to not realize how hard it is for the spouse of someone who was slim and attractive at the wedding and morbidly obese ten years later. Yes, they should stick with you, but get real, it's pretty awful to inflict that on your spouse.

I agree that it can be called "shallow" to reject your wife if she becomes fat. But that word "shallow" is also thrown around in this thread in relation to the dating phase. I totally disagree that it is "shallow" if a man or woman would not want to date you because you are morbidly obese. That is just a denial of reality.

When I married my wife I was in pretty good shape. She has stuck with me through these times when I got very fat. I am grateful to her for that and I am determined to use this band to recover my body.

But I can also say that she never would have gone out with me at the beginning if I want 350 pounds when we met. Does that make her shallow? It's hard for me to believe how many people on this thread seem to think so.

[rroswelltx 1]

I personally never referred to a person as shallow when it came to dating and being initially attracted to a person. I was speaking in a marriage. I was never thin and trim when he met me either I was always a big girl! During our marriage I was in a wheelchair for a year and gained about 40lbs. When I got out of it I had sever problems with my feet, and it wasn't so easy to lose the weight. That I do think of as "shallow" IMHO.

[ser123 0]

I agree with Wheetsin and marjon9, which is why I started this thread. I mean we are all on this website because we aren't happy with being overweight. If we aren't happy about it then why should we expect someone else to be happy about it? Especially dating.

I think marriage implies commitment for better or for worse. We owe it to ourselves and our families to become the best that we can be. And they owe it to us to support us as we try, and fail, and try again... until we finally get it right.

When you are dating someone I don't think you have any obligation to stand by someone if the going gets tough for them. I have been on a million first dates/first meetings with people. After a while, you realize that if someone isn't attracted to you it doesn't really matter. Someone else will be and then you won't like them.

Dating is to try someone out, not drag some dramatic relationship out when you know within a month or two you can't tolerate something about them. Why try to change a grown adult when you can just move on to someone who is more suited to you?

To me, people who get mad at other people for not being physically attracted to them while they are morbidly obese is a little strange. We are talking 70-100 lbs overweight minimum. We aren't talking pudgy or even heavy. We are talking morbidly obese, overtly and obviously ill. Disabled. And if you don't think you are sick or disabled then you shouldn't expect your insurance to pay for it.

[ousooner 1]

I agree with Wheetsin and marjon9, which is why I started this thread. I mean we are all on this website because we aren't happy with being overweight. If we aren't happy about it then why should we expect someone else to be happy about it? Especially dating.

I think marriage implies commitment for better or for worse. We owe it to ourselves and our families to become the best that we can be. And they owe it to us to support us as we try, and fail, and try again... until we finally get it right.

When you are dating someone I don't think you have any obligation to stand by someone if the going gets tough for them. I have been on a million first dates/first meetings with people. After a while, you realize that if someone isn't attracted to you it doesn't really matter. Someone else will be and then you won't like them.

Dating is to try someone out, not drag some dramatic relationship out when you know within a month or two you can't tolerate something about them. Why try to change a grown adult when you can just move on to someone who is more suited to you?

To me, people who get mad at other people for not being physically attracted to them while they are morbidly obese is a little strange. We are talking 70-100 lbs overweight minimum. We aren't talking pudgy or even heavy. We are talking morbidly obese, overtly and obviously ill. Disabled. And if you don't think you are sick or disabled then you shouldn't expect your insurance to pay for it.

Great post. Hell, I wouldn't have dated me at my heaviest. Glad I have a wife who stuck by me, although I have always been heavy.

[puddin 7]

My recent boyfriend likes his women athletic. I didn't tell him until a month into our relationship that I was as heavy as I used to be. I KNOW he wouldn't have asked me out before, but it doesn't bother me. I probably wouldn't go out with a really heavy guy right now, either. HOWEVER, if we hadn't have had that base to our relationship yet, I think he would not have wanted to continue to date me, knowing how heavy I used to be.

[green 6]

While I would never toss someone aside because they have suddenly noticed me after I had lost a lot of weight - please see my earlier post - I do have a terribly sad story to tell you all right now. (For those who might want to search the internet, I live in Toronto, Canada and the family name of the individuals who are involved is Ruso.)

According to the local newspaper reports Wyann Ruso had been psychologically abused for a long time by her husband who repeatedly told her that she was fat, stupid and unloveable. When both of these individuals were in their 40s Wyann had an affair with a co-worker. One of her daughters told her husband about the affair. He then confronted Wyann and threatened to kill her. She found a gun in their bedroom - this is a big deal in Canada as our gun control laws are very, very stringent - and she took this to the local police station. When she turned this weapon in she mentioned the threat on her life. All the local cops could tell her was "don't go home."

The poor woman did have a handicapped child in the house and did eventually go home. She was worried about the kid, afterall. Her husband attacked her with an axe and a hammer and only after believing she was dead told her kids, her parents, and the cops.

Shyann Ruso survived with horrible injuries but two of her daughters are bitter, and are estranged from her. They have publically made a point of being on their father's side. She is physically scarred from her attack and is certainly not an emotionally well woman. How could she be?

What I have noticed - and all I can provide is in the way of anecdotal evidence - is that overweight women are, because of their low self-esteem, more likely to suffer emotional and physical abuse from their mates. We all do want to be found worthy of love, don't we? Sometimes this simple desire can lead some of us into deep waters.

[ser123 0]

I think everyone, everyone wants to be loved. And I think we all deserve to be loved, regardless of what we weigh. Being fat is not a crime.

Being fat is not a reason for us not to be dateable. But how many of us on this thread have said we don't want to date a fat person like ourselves? We want to date the thin people too. I think that anyone can find a date if they are willing to make exceptions to what society finds attractive. But what I notice about fat people is that they want what everyone else wants in a date. They don't want anything less than the best.

What I notice about fat people's psychology is perfectionism which leads to crushing feelings of failure. I see fat people become extremely successful in other areas yet consider themselves complete losers because of their weight. I see fat people face the public with incredible courage despite the ridicule, rudeness, blatant staring and intense negative scrutiny. I see fat people who have a million people surrounding them who absolutely LOVE them and feel unlovable because their Match.com mailbox is empty.

Maybe we are saying the same thing Green...

[ladysplenda 1]

I was at the airport in Las Vegas a few months ago.I found a book with hot skinny young chicks on the floor next to one of the slot machines.I picked it up and out it in the chair next to me.Just in case someone came back for it. HE DID a nice looking young man. He had on a NO FAT CHICKS tshirt.Being a former fat chick and a mother of a soon to be former fat chick.I thought just who the hell does he think he is. Stupid if he cant look past the weight to find a girl that may make his perfect mate. I hope he marries some skinny young model that cheats on him with a nice looking heavy set HUNK. So the I would not date anyone that would not date me heavy.Because if you did gain the weight back. He will start putting you down.

[Wheetsin 714]

For me there would be an aspect that hasn't come up yet, that being my lifestyle. Even though I'm having sucess with the band, and it really has been easy for me, relatively, it hasn't been without struggles. I'm very random but on a fundamental level I'm a creature of habit, and modifying my behaviors has taken work. If I was with a morbidly obese man, chances are it's also a man who doesn't eat right, doesn't exercise, etc. If I was around that 24/7, it would eventually have an effect. Either negatively directly toward me (altering back to undesirable behaviors), or a hard time accepting that person and their lifestlye (I could see myself becoming very critical). And I don't need that influence in my life.

[marjon9 6]

A man who goes around with a NO FAT CHICKS t-shirt is a cold-hearted, mean-spirited moron. There is no excuse for hurting and humiliating strangers in public.

But even if that is true, I still think it is unfair to hold it against a man or woman simply because they are not attracted to extremely fat people of the opposite sex. Most people are not attracted to fat. That's just the way it is. It's not going to do any good to fight against or deny that reality, or categorize the majority of human beings as shallow losers.

And I do have a question. If a man is expected to see through the obesity to find the inner beauty inside a fat woman, why can't that woman look through the man's lack of attraction for fat and see through to the inner beauty in that man? A man who is not attracted to fat is just not attracted to fat. It's not a conscious decision to be mean or shallow. It's just the nature of most people. It seems pretty shallow in reverse to hold that natural reality against the man in return.

[Wheetsin 714]

I want the NO LITTLE PENISES shirt.

[marjon9 6]

I got the last one. I stuffed it in my pants.