I shouldn't do this.

I have been sleeved for ten months and I have lost 94 pounds ( well actually I think I went back up and it's 93 pounds....) and that is a LOT of weight in nine months and I am happy about it.

But I'm still fat. I'm fitting into size 12 lately and thinking about summer and how I have 40 more pounds to go, and I gotta say I am just so BORED of this. Not being at goal. Not being close to goal.

It's funny because I spent close to a year refusing to care about this too much, being patient and not killing myself over a slow loss, which i knew was going to happen because I just couldn't face some punishing diet ever again.

But now that I'm under 200 the glimmerings of my old Body Dissatisfaction are beginning to appear. I spent today wondering if I should plunge into lowcarb and lowcal fatstripping and I *know* I should not, for the simple reason that if I go the deprivation route and start just staring down that scale -- when I *do* get to goal I'll be flipping out over bit of food I put in my mouth.

I did it today; started worrying about my calories and wondering if I was gaining weight....and thinking about how much longer it's going to take to lose another 40 pounds and just, you know, *bothering myself*.

I *know* I am running at a caloric deficit every single day. I *know* it has to keep going down and I *know* there is no way that my level of intake and exercise can support a weight of 195. It *has* to go down still, no matter how long it takes. I plan to be done losing weight six months from now, which seems like a reasonable period of time to lose another 40 pounds. I'm just sick of this already and I'm ready to do a boot camp or some other radical thing.

Six months....six months ago I weighed 240. And the thing I can't believe is that if I think I'm fat *now* I must have been huge before..and before that. How did I let it get this bad?

I am happy with how far I've come and obviously am glad I am here instead of obese. However, I am constantly struggling to feel proud of accomplishing large weight loss because in my head I should have never been that large to begin with. So the shame of it often continues to overshadow my joy. Like when someone compliments me...I have a hard time just accepting it graciously. Like, why should I be complimented on "looking like a weight I should have already been?" It causes me anxiety to the point that I need to keep setting larger fitness goals (races, half marathons), so that I can feel proud of myself on this journey in some way, not just because I lost weight that I never should have been there in the first place. It's such a head game.

Hi,

I had a hard time too when people would comment. I learned I didn't need to say anymore than "thank you." Just leave it at that. As time goes on it will get a whole lot easier. I remember the first time some one called me skinny. I thought "who me" or "yes" she is talking about me. That was a real shock to be called skinny.

Hang in there you are right it truly is a head game because we don't see ourself as thin or as we have lost a lot of weight. It takes time to process all of this. I used to be shocked when I walked past a mirror, not I am used to how I look and it has been 3 1/2 years since I had WLS.

Hugs,

Suzanne