There are so many of you out there who are so wise and educated on the whole subject of weight loss surgery. Today I am reaching out to those of you who might have had experience with the subject that I need help on.

First a little history...... About a 18 months ago, I started to think that WLS might be for me. I actually went and saw a bariatric surgeon locally and he and I discussed a VSG. He convinced me that it was the procedure of choice for me. When I investigated my insurance, I found out that they wouldn't pay $0.01 towards the surgery, so I started thinking about cashing in one of my 401Ks to pay for it myself.

I approached my husband, who was 100% against the whole idea of surgery. But after hours and hours of research, and sharing what I learned with him, he (reluctantly) agreed to support me in my Quest to become healthier through Weight loss Surgery.

In June of last year, we traveled to Mexico and I had a VSG. I have been SO happy with my results. I am within 6 pounds of being at goal, and love the way I feel and look. Have been able to go off most of my medications, have lots more energy, and just love the thought that I have done something positive to make myself healthier.

For almost a year prior to the surgery, and for 6 months after, I was living and working in California. I am a travel nurse. My husband does not travel with me, preferring to stay home in Iowa. We see each other every month or so for about a week at a time, but really don't live together when I am traveling on an assignment. (I want to stress that I have never taken a travel assignment without discussing it with him first!)

Near the end of October last year, he told me he was tired of living alone, and wanted me to come home at the end of my current contract, and live and work in Iowa for a while. I readily agreed, even though I would prefer to live in CA. (I hate Iowa winters, and the pay in CA is SO much better!)But my marriage is of the utmost importance to me, so I agreed, and moved home the first week in December.

Since I have been home, Bill has gotten more and more irritable. He gets mad over almost nothing. He seems depressed and has outbreaks of anger and sometimes almost cries. Sometimes it seems like I can't do anything to please him, and no matter what I do, I make him mad or angry. I finally got him to admit to me today that he is feeling threatened by my weight loss, and feels he is "holding me back" (his words, not mine. What he is holding me back from, I don't know!)

I tried to re-assure him that when we married 42 years ago I said "till death do us part" and I mean it as much today as I did then. I have no desire to "trade up" husbands. I love him more than ever. But he can't seem to accept that fact.

A couple of times he has said things like "I suppose now that you are thin you want a thin husband!" When he says this, I tell him that I wish he would loose some weight for health reasons, but I love him no matter what he weighs! I don't bring the subject of his weight up, he never threw it in my face when I was overweight, and I wouldn't do that to him!

Due to health problems (his) we have been unable to be intimate for several years, and although I miss this part of our marriage terribly, I have tried to reassure him that it is him I love, not just sex with him! I am about at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do to reassure him that I love him. I have suggested that maybe we should see a counselor, but he is against that idea.

I feel like we are falling apart and I can't run fast enough to pick up the pieces and put them back together. Have any of you had problems like this since your weight loss, or am I the only one? If you have, how did you reassure your partner? Any ideas? Also, is there a forum here for discussions of problems similar to this? I really need some advise. I don't feel like I can talk to any of our children about this, and I wouldn't want to worry my Mom (she is 90 and doesn't need me to dump my problems on her.) Don't know who else to talk to, especially since Bill denies we have a problem and won't go to a counselor with me. Have comtemplated going alone, but currently finances are tight at our house, and our insurance won't cover any type of counseling. Any ideas would be appreciated so much!!! Thanks!

Kathy D (alias Helen the Cat)

Kathy, As one who suffers from chronic depression since my own divorce 17 years ago, I can recognize Bill's symptoms as I was just like him. I've been taking an antidepressant since 1995 and will have to all my life. Believe me, I'm a nice guy now, but without them I'm a real jerk. It's brain chemistry. Get him to a psychiatrist who will put him on antidepressants. You will both see and feel a marked improvement in a matter of a couple weeks (took me 7 days exactly and it was like someone turned a light on.) He may resist going to a psychiatrist, thinking that's for crazy people. Assure him that's not the case. He needs medication. He wouldn't be resistant to taking insulin if he needed it would he? Besides (tongue in cheek) if people think you're crazy they won't mess with you......Kudos to you for taking a stand against divorce. Marriage is grand, but divorce is 100 grand...Good luck

Kathy, I completely recognized the issues you discussed. Several years ago my husband had a mid-life crisis related bout of depression. We moved cross country, he couldn't find a job, I lost a bunch of weight, and I ended up with a grouchy, irritable blob on the couch who only vaguely resembled my wonderful husband. It was the biggest crisis of our marriage. After about six months of that mess, he finally found a decent job and managed to pull himself back together. We were very lucky.

I think the other posters are exactly right with their advice and your plan of action is sound. I just wanted to tell you that it is recoverable and you will probably end up even closer than you were before. Hang in there, and good luck!