I need to get this out...

I came home today exhausted from work. Nothing really major happened, but it wasn’t a calm day either. My boss is interviewing candidates to backfill our open position. I was not asked to participate in the interview, however my Level 3 co-worker was. I am a level 4 and this new person will be my direct partner. I spent a lot of time today pretending like this doesn’t bother the f*** out of me. My level 3 co-worker is acting superior and that makes me want to punch her in the face…and eat! I was at my desk just searching for something to put in my mouth. I pulled out my vegi-sticks (little chip like things) and ate four really slowly. I know this is giving into the head hunger. I get it…but I wanted to chew. I could say in the past I would have gone to the vending machine and bought packs of M&Ms and Skittles and ate both packages. Four vegi-sticks is an improvement in calories, however…the reason I ate is the same.

I came home and immediately went to my room to lie down. My husband asked what’s wrong, and I really couldn’t come up with a convincing story of why I was so mentally drained. I just wanted to sleep. I took a long nap and was woken by 9 year old son who brought me a cup of coffee. He told me Dad was taking him to get a haircut and my first thought upon waking was “EAT!” My second thought was “Da** VSG”. I thought to myself “I am not hungry” but I was not willing to give up an opportunity to eat by myself. My heart started to race with the anticipation of eating alone.

A Binger has a sort of pre-binge check-list and mine was racing through my head. I headed to the bathroom and stripped naked. I weighed myself for reference tomorrow morning. I needed to know how much damage I was about to do to myself. My weight was 224.4. I would use that number tomorrow morning to beat myself up. I already know that if I weigh even 224.5 I will call myself disgusting and tell myself the VSG will never work for me. That one or two ounces will be my proof of what a failure I am, that I will be the one person on the planet this surgery will never, ever possibly work for. I change into to my binge pants or what I call my “comfy pants.”

I head upstairs; I already know what I am going to eat. 1 wedge of Laughing Cow cheese and two slices of lean deli-sliced turkey. I know this is not a Binge in the typical sense of the word, this is not a 3,000 calorie food fest. This is my dinner. The problem is I was not hungry. I was turning my dinner into a binge for the thrill and excitement…for the old feelings. I missed binging. I pulled out exactly two pieces of lunchmeat and laid them out on the plate. I pulled out a single wedge and found the little red string to open the cheese. My heart was racing…I was preparing my food. I took out my fancy cheese knife and I spread the cheese and rolled up the tiny little turkey slices. I threw all the evidence away- even hiding the tiny laughing cow wrapper like the old days. I took my little plate to the sofa- the end spot next to the fireplace- my favorite binge location. I took one tiny bite and chewed and chewed. I swallowed. It was delicious and I was back.

Then I stopped. I woke up. There was a pain in my stomach. I was not hungry- my stomach could not take any food. It was as if waking from a dream…”What the hell was I doing?” I gave the remaining roll-ups to the dog and just sat there in silence. I stared at my tiny little empty plate and celebrated this victory. This was the absolute first time in my life that I have ever stopped a binge in process. I will not beat myself up tomorrow, there will be no guilt. I will go to sleep proud tonight.

Again, the binge was not the quantity of food, it was my mental state. This is my first Non-scale Victory. Thank God for the VSG...and Thank God this will no longer be my life.

Lacie, I'm so touched by the fact that you could articulate this whole mental process and that you did it here, in public. You know why you wanted to binge and you stopped yourself rather than relying on the sleeve to do it. Yeah, the sleeve told you "Nope", but you could have found a way. Instead, you listened to it. I'm proud of you, not in a condescending way but in a "You go girl" way!!!

The head work is the toughest part of this surgery. You sound like you have a good handle on things, but I'm still going to encourage you to see a therapist if you can. As you get further out from surgery, your capacity will increase. A therapist can help you work through the issues before you get to a point where you're having a tough time...or a tougher time.

Great job on not giving in to the binge!!!

You are a great writer for sure!! Congrats on being able to see what was going on and stopping when you did. The emotional part of this is one of the toughest. We have to find healthier outlets. I can totally relate to what you went through at work, I've been there myself. I hate that feeling of having to act like something doesn't bother me when it does. You did a great job recognizing the patterns.

Good job recognizing what your process is. It would be highly advantageous to set up a plan for next time your in your emotional state and want to binge. Maybe you can take a walk, or a hot bath, or call your best friend that can give you some support. This is your pattern that is habitual and is very hard to change. CONGRATS!

I would also advise seeking a therapist to stop these behaviors before they start.

Thank you Lissa, Kelly and Dorrie for replying. I was really scared to post this. I was curious to see if anyone else deals with this but I was nervous that I would get yelled at for what was going on in my head. I have had to wait almost 6 weeks to get an appointment with a Binge eating specialist in my area. I don’t understand why therapists specialize in Anorexia and Bulimia but don't count binge eating as a disorder if you are already fat. This therapist is a male, but is an addiction counselor specializing in food addiction. I see him next week. It would have been ideal to get my head straight before surgery, but it didnt work that way. All I can do now is try to remain aware and eat mindfully until I can deal with my demon. I dont know if I was in denial, but I thought I could just power through and the magical VSG would just take away the desire to binge. I was wrong. It only took 3 weeks for this to come to the surface.

Wow this was a great post, very inspiring. I'm happy you "woke up" this is the new and improved you, don't look back, and you have no reason to beat yourself up tomorrow, you took control of your life Yay!!! Congrats on your first NSV!!!! :purplebananna: :not_ripe: :purplebananna:

Thanks for posting... I'm not a binge eater, but I have this complex w/ food.. it's really a love/hate thing... Seeing my therapist is helping a lot... We can do this sister!!! Congrats on being self-aware in this journey to wellness.

What a great post, and very insightful. Thanks for sharing it!! I too get worked up over work **** and it can really make me mental sometimes. I'm not a binger, but I do have some compulsive food behaviours (mostly to do with not eating) that always want to resurface when I'm stressed. And this is after years of therapy about it. Some things will just always be a struggle I think. I wish you all the best -- being mindful as you were during this episode is more than half the battle in my opinion. <3

I am so very glad to read your post. I often worry about post surgery binges and I hope that I have your strength. I will remember your post in the future should the urge hit (and I know it will)

Lacie,

what an inspirational story... this is more than a NSV in my opinion... this is such a HUGE success. Although, I don't binge per se, I certainly used to use food as a crutch... so I can relate on a certain level.

What I appreciated about your post was the 'realness' of it and the process you followed.

You should be walking on air now... really, this is fantastic!!! With this train of thought, and how you overcame such an emotional issue, you really are gonna get to wherever you need to be! Congrats!!

Great post! Gotta love the sleeve.

This really touched me, I could totally relate to your experience. Well done! Keep up the good work!

This is awesome and YOU are awesome. you just learned that you are able to resist a binge before it got the best of you. Now you can exercise that knowledge and turn it into "muscle" that will help you again and again. KUDOS. Sent you a PM, too.

@Lacie. You are really doing a great job. This is not an easy journey and we work on our issues when they come up. I'm really glad you have an appointment with a specialist. This will help you succeed. Please don't beat yourself up, there's no need for that. If anyone on this board yells at you, then yell back. I'm happy that you shared this struggle with others, because others are having struggles with this same issue tooooooooo. You were very brave and wanting help and received great support from people who love you.