I'm finally being banded on August 4th. Yes, I am excited and anxious and scared. But as the time grows closer I get more and more angry at myself.

I am 52. I was always chubby but reallys started to gain in college. I know in my heart I have tried and tried from Atkins, Weight Watchers, pills, shakes, soups, injections, fasting and every diet in between yet I am angry for letting myself get so freakin fat.

I did it, I ate the food, I reveled in going out to dinner, cooking for friends, trying different tastes. Why oh why didn't I get control when all I had to lose was a lousy 15 or 20 pounds???? My life would have been so different. I just know it. Maybe I would have married earlier, had kids, made more money. I dunno. I know weight doesn't equal happiness. I know if I was thin I still wouldnt be guaranteed kids and money.

But yet... as I choked down that disgusting barium, as I lie to my Mother about only seeing a nutrionist, as prepare to put a foreign object in my body and go into surgery I feel I am the biggest jackass for having to resort to this emergency tactic.

I don't have a problem with using a tool to lose weight. I don't consider it an easy way out, it is me that I have a problem with.

In addition I know there are people in our country and lots of others who are starving. And I have the audactiy to have surgery to lose weight and not be able to eat as much! I feel incredibly guilty and very selfish.

And I feel incredibly dissapointed in myself. I've wasted so many years.

Thank you for listening as I rand and rave, this list means a lot to me.

I am really down about this.

Hey Diva,

You know, 52 is just a number.....I bet you don't feel 52. And just think of how much younger you will feel when its all said and done!! And...you are adding years to your life by having this surgery! (oh and if you had this done years ago, it would not have been as good....something else would have come now and you'd be thinking that you wished you'd have waited. Everything happens for a reason and there was good reason you are doing it now. Telling your mom...don't worry about that, I had to tell my mom cause if she found out ---well lets just say she gets in a snit! I just only told my older sister last week and I have been working on this since April! She is a big non-supporter...who needs to be dragged down--it carries enough stress with it all on its own! I felt like a failure too at first for resorting to banding, but then thought, I have no one to please but myself (hubby isn't happy about it, but oh well, its for me--I want to be healthy!!). And I know when the non-supporter sis will be all over my case when she gets back from vacation---but i don't care..I'm not doing it for her either..lol.

So take a deep breathe, you're not alone!!!

Best Wishes! And Happy Early Birthday...I am an August Baby too!

Hi, Diva~

Your post really touched my heart, and I applaud you for being brave enough to put your feelings "out there". That's the first step to freedom. There are days when I still struggle with similar feelings; but most of the time I'm proud of myself that I gathered my courage and did what I needed to do for me. It's a very personal decision whether we tell others we did have/are having surgery. I started out with just my family and my boss knowing. As people started mentioning my weight loss, I found myself willing to share with them this journey that I'm on, and I've yet to receive any negative feedback. Only you know what's right for you.

If it's at all possible, I'd encourage you to see a counselor ...mine was a lifesaver for me. I used Lutheran Social Services and can't recommend them highly enough...they are wonderful. I'm not Lutheran but am a Christian, and you have the option of getting counseling from a spiritual or a secular perspective. We all have issues regarding food and body image, and having someone trained to help sort through that can be really useful.

If finances are an issue, they have a sliding fee scale. I was fortunate that my insurance paid, but LSS will definitely work with you to make counseling possible.

Best of luck as you continue your journey.

Emily

Thank you all.

The good thing about the obesity consult center at NEMC is that it includes (in fact demands) group meetings and a pychologist. It is a rather tough program.

But you know what? Writing it all out here on this board has helped so much I can't even tell you. Its like I got it out there and put it someplace else besides my head. I am in a good space now. You guys are awesome

"It's just something for you to ponder, instead of worrying about all that other stuff we're gonna help you with anyway! Believe me, we've got your back, girl! NO need to feel alone."

Thanks for these words -- they mean a lot to me.

Diva, I HEAR YA GURL!

I can't tell you how ashamed I felt, how truly helpless and hopeless. I had to keep telling myself that I am not dumb, I am not lazy and I do not have a character flaw. But finally I just gave up, remembering myself that 95% of dieters fail. I know a lot of people, a lot of very intelligent people and I still know of no one who has lost a significant amount of weight and kept it off long term.

I am only 9 days out now and I am so glad that I didn't jump off the operating table. One thing I left behind was my shame for not being able to do this myself and dread, dreading one more diet, one more comment, one more year of being obese.

For the first time in my life I feel free. Free from shame and dread. We have each new day to look forward to and so far, each day for me has been lighter. Lighter on the scale and lighter on my mind.

hugs my dear

AND, if you needed a new knee, would you worry abuot having something 'foreign' in your body, of course not. What you are doing is enhancing your life in many ways and this will prevent many obesity related diseases in the future. I believe that with all my heart.