Cheating..No, not with food!

[PattiCakes 0]

Wow Molliegirl, CONGRATS on the Anniversary! Thanks for letting me know that it can work! It sounds like you were the same weight and height as me, I heard that I would probably lose slower....was it that way for you? Sorry, I know it is off topic! lol

[Molliegirl 0]

Hi Patticakes,

I don't think I was losing at a slow pace. Seems like a decent rate, however, today I had to go in for an upper GI as I was having too many nights with reflux. Lo and behold, I was too tight. Been telling them that for 6 weeks. Was told before to continue with Prilosec and elevate my bed. Still no relief. So today at my visit I found out the problem was being too tight. Doctor is on vacation this week so they are putting me on next Monday's schedule for a little unfill. liquids and mushies all week til then. So far though I have been extremely happy with my weight loss rate. Don't want to lose too fast. You need to allow your body to adjust to the loss. Don't worry about losing to slow, as long as you are losing!

[kittylover 1]

Well if it is causing a "ruckus" with certain people and really bothering them. Maybe they should be asking themselves WHY it is bothering them so much. Come on, we are all adults here. How hard is it NOT to click on something you DONT want to read?

It's not bothering me at all. If you look at some of the replies though there are people bothered by it. I think this topic was meant to be a serious question/answer?

[foodstampchamp 3]

It's not bothering me at all. If you look at some of the replies though there are people bothered by it. I think this topic was meant to be a serious question/answer?

Sorry, I didn't realize I was not allowed to say what I wanted to say about a topic as long as I wasn't attacking a specific person. my bad.

[Pattman 0]

Losing the weight has made a big difference in our lives as well. It's made us further apart. :-(

[Woodys 0]

What an interesting thread. Re: "not thinking a spouse should be turned on by anyone other than thier SO".....to me that goes completely against human nature. As sexual human beings I think at one time or another we all get that little tingling and twinge from someone other than our spouse...as far as I'm concerned its totally natural and harmless and no reflection on your SO at all....just more or less says that you still have the capabilities and desire to be sexual with your partner.

My husband looks at every female within his view......I don't say or think anything because I enjoy looking at good looking men, especially those with nice butts.....however, that doesn't mean......100%.....that I have a thought even close to my mind that I want to do anything further than just look. Well....if it was John Travolta I may reduce that to 65%!...LOL

And as far as porn goes..........go for it if it helps you maintain a good sex life with your partner...I don't see any harm in that either if it helps you get aroused.....more people than we seem to realize need help in this department...especially when menopausal. And it isn't the women on the screen that causes arousal, its the sexual acts.

If we all relaxed in these areas a little then maybe there would be less cheating going on.

So.......as the old saying goes....."whatever floats your boat".

And as far as people cheating because they don't get what they need at home....give my a friggin break on that one. The cheaters I know are self absorbed selfish conceited A$$es......no one, even their spouse could ever give them enough of what they need because they want it ALL, and how can they measure what they do or don't get when they are so in love with themselves. This isn't always the case......but from what I know it mostly is.

Carol

[Bettina 0]

Losing the weight has made a big difference in our lives as well. It's made us further apart. :-(

Oh yikes I am sorry to hear that. And curious, why do you think that is???

[Pattman 0]

Bettina - there are many factors involved ...

From a radically different work schedule (she gets up at 4am and works 5 to 3 m-f with weekends off. I work 10-6 sat & Sun, 9-5 mon & Wed, 7am to 8pm Fridays's, and my days off are Tue & Thus.

Other factor's include: She's never been good about receiving compliments. She always gets them from me since we've been going out. Now that she has started to lose weight, she's getting noticed even more. Some notice is (from some people) has been unwanted, making it even harder on her.

The biggest reason {found this out 1.5 years ago, when I finally 'put her feet to the fire and refused not to talk about it'}. She no longer has an emotional connection to me - but yet 'she still loves me'.

I realize I am a neanderthal, and a man as well (isn't that one in the same??) but last time I checked love was an emotion - if she no longer has any emotional ties / connections to me; How can she love me?

Ok, so I know I am a DA with the Geek Squad, and realize I am far to literal (at times) for my own good - but come on?

[Woodys 0]

Pattman....be careful not to analyze this to death, that in itself may drive her away.

Carol

[Bettina 0]

Bettina - there are many factors involved ...

From a radically different work schedule (she gets up at 4am and works 5 to 3 m-f with weekends off. I work 10-6 sat & Sun, 9-5 mon & Wed, 7am to 8pm Fridays's, and my days off are Tue & Thus.

Yeah scheduling conflicts can be bad.

Other factor's include: She's never been good about receiving compliments. She always gets them from me since we've been going out. Now that she has started to lose weight, she's getting noticed even more. Some notice is (from some people) has been unwanted, making it even harder on her.

Hmmmm...trying to be delicate here.....i get the not being good about compliments...but if you have been giving them to her all along...there should be no difference. Sounds like she (and again I am sorry and don't mean to bash her) is using this as an excuse to distance herself from you. You gave her compliments when she was heavier and you still compliment her....I'd be happy if I were her. My husband doesn't compliment me (comes from odd family) but he shows he loves me in other ways...like remembering how I like my salad or I hear him brat to other people about me..funny man. (he may have a fear of rejection)

The biggest reason {found this out 1.5 years ago, when I finally 'put her feet to the fire and refused not to talk about it'}. She no longer has an emotional connection to me - but yet 'she still loves me'.

Sounds like she may think that loving someone or being in love means there has to be fireworks everyday...and that is not a realistic idea. Relationships are like the waves of the ocean....up and down. Can't be up all the time, and can't be down all the time either. Relationships (whether married or not, take work) Dating/livingtogther/married.....all have the same vow value...for better for worse, in sickness and in health..some say in good times and in bad.....you get the picture! She needs to ask herself if she sees herself with you in 5 years...if the answer is no-then she needs to move on so you both can get on with your lives...if she says yes..then she needs to recognize a rut and be patient.

I realize I am a neanderthal, and a man as well (isn't that one in the same??) but last time I checked love was an emotion - if she no longer has any emotional ties / connections to me; How can she love me?

Neanderthal...I doubt that. Love is an emotion......I think she is confusing it with "being in-love" (yet another emotion)

Ok, so I know I am a DA with the Geek Squad, and realize I am far to literal (at times) for my own good - but come on?

Your being literal comes from your job....you pay close attention to detail. Is it bad...not necessarily. Everyone has different sides to themselves. Be your literal side when you aren't around her....and be Pattman ....man of ease, when you are with her. (LOL) (I am in school full time, I am a totally different person when I am at school...is that bad, no...its just a reflection of the environment i am in)

You sound like a good guy-----I wish you all the best. (and thanks for sharing your story) I myself have thought about my relationship....but when its all said and done, he is the one I want to be hobbling into the grocery store with in my 80's holding hands and arguing about which type of toilet paper to buy. Even if he grows ear hair (eww lol) I'll be okay..that's what scissors are for!

[ladydi 0]

I was married for 10 yrs, and very happy. I thought he was the best and we were very happy. He was my world. Then he started to work a lot and when he was home he would read and be by himself a lot. He denied having an affair. He ended up marrying his secretary within 5 months. Ya just never know. He is now on his 3rd marrage.

Ladydi

[gadgetlady 4]

The biggest reason {found this out 1.5 years ago, when I finally 'put her feet to the fire and refused not to talk about it'}. She no longer has an emotional connection to me - but yet 'she still loves me'.

Hey, Pattman, just throwing in some thoughts here. There are many facets of love. One is the emotional, "woozy", "butterflies in the stomach", "in love" feeling you get (remember that from when you were first dating?). Another facet of love is the decision you make to love someone even when you're not feeling it. It sounds like that's what she's talking about when she says she loves you but doesn't have an emotional connection. There are, of course, other facets as well.

The good news is you can cultivate the "in love" feeling. Here are some thoughts. Light candles in the bedroom. Give her a shoulder rub whenever you're close by. Touch her frequently. Find something she does on a daily basis but doesn't really like to do (emptying the dishwasher? -- whatever) and do it for her (without being asked). Surprise her with a romantic date. Start a conversation and then just listen to what she's saying. There are tons of other ideas and tons of books that can help you out.

I strongly recommend the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman (see also http://www.fivelovelanguages.com). Maybe the way you're "speaking" your love to her isn't the way she "hears" love.

Anyway, I hope I'm not offending you with what I'm saying here, it's just that I'm very passionate about marriage and I believe every relationship can be nurtured and made incredible.

[ladydi 0]

I think you are very wrong. Honestly, you have to look at the dynamic of this board. There are more very devout religious people here than not, and for the most part this group is going to be in a relationship where both are of the same level of faith. That faith leads to deep respect of the bonds of marriage. Just with that statistic alone you will find a majority of the people on this board are in relationships that will have no cheating.

I think that sometimes people use statistics as a cop-out. Well if everyone else is doing it then it is no big deal. I HATE that marriage has become something that people easily walk all over and destroy. It baffles me. My parents were married for 35 years, and my father threw all that time, and work away. Now there is a part of me that is glad he is gone because my mother and I were abused on a regular basis. But even with all the abuse, the fact that he cheated, rather than say "I'm not in love anylonger and need to leave the relationship" was a huge slap in the face. It was as if he kept us both around just to use for the abuse. His personal whipping posts. Because he got nothing else from us. He was too busy bangin the whore. The part that cracks me up is how much she looks like my mother. And that he married her two weeks after the divorce was final. I mean if you are a man, who has been married for 35 years, and you are finally free....why get married immediately after?? Why not just be a single guy for a while. If he wanted strange booty, he sure missed out on a lot of opportunities!! LOL

We had a strong faith also, and my hubby even preached when the minister was gone. So I always believed what he said. He was a good man and I never thought he could do that to me or us. I also was in denial. It took several months before I even got a clue. If he had been a jerk or if we were not so involved with our church, I might of thought that could happen but I was blind.

Ladydi

[Pattman 0]

Anyway, I hope I'm not offending you with what I'm saying here, it's just that I'm very passionate about marriage and I believe every relationship can be nurtured and made incredible.

Not to worry about offending, if I didn't want to hear "other's ideas and suggestions" I never would've grabbed for the keyboard! {grins largely}.

It just seems (as was already noted) that she seems to be "in love" with the idea of not coming home to an empty house. While I have come to feel that I am a 'guest' in our house, and I am there to bring home a check, and insurance kind of thing.

We've talked about it often over the last year and a half, but it's like trying to get the kids to take out the trash.

Thanks all for your thoughts. HUGE HUGS TO ALL!

[wild_in97 0]

I have been married for 30 years to the same wonderful man. He is the strongest man I know as far as spiritually, emotionally, and pretty strong physically. He is an amazing man and I could not ever cheat on him. He has been the same weight since 6 months after we were married. However, I have gone up and down the scales like a stinking yoyo. I have been around 136 at my lowest weight and around 240 at my highest weight. He has always been supportive and was ok with me spending $9000 for going to MX. He won't spend $300 for a set of golf clubs for himself. I don't think he would ever cheat on me and I know I would never cheat on him. Wouldn't, couldn't and shouldn't!!!!!!!!

Wild