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XXX Rated- Only look if not easily offended

Charlif761

By Charlif761, in LAP-BAND Surgery Forums

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Tricia K.    0

Tricia K.
Posted

Charlif, I wasn't being rude but I also hate it when someone clarifies a part of the body and/or the face instead of just saying that someone is beautiful. I apologize if it came across as anything else. :rolleyes:

And, thanks to both you and Funny for the sweet comments. Hotter? Nope...but, I do appreciate the thought. :hug:

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Time2live    0

Time2live
Posted

As per Sunshines request.....a dirty joke to give this thread a greater purpose....lol.

A pickle, a penis and a cucumber walk into a bar and sit down.

The pickle says "man is my life tough, when I get hard and juicy someone slices me up and eats me."

The cucumber says " Man when I get hard and juicy someone cuts me up and pours salt on me."

The penis says "you guys that's nothing....when I get hard and juicy someone puts a plastic bag over my head, sticks me in a dark hole and makes me do push ups till I puke."

Budumpbump!!

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Charlif761    0

Charlif761
Posted

OK Guys...it isn't dirty, but it is suggestive...Hope you guys find it funny....

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

AND TO TRICIA: You are gorgeous! Congrats on that amazing weight loss!!!! I saw your website today. You also have the most enviable hair!!!!!

Char

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Charlif761    0

Charlif761
Posted

I wanted to give you pervs what you wanted...Next joke:

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.

Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.

The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"

The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"

OK...who's next here???

:-)

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REEIZBOOJE    0

REEIZBOOJE
Posted

Is this more on the lines of what you pervs have been looking for>

Try This At Home

by Ayre Riley

Really. I'm serious. Try this.

That is, if you're in the mood for a salacious evening. If you're not, skip this advice and move onto something else. But if you are, then try this at home!

Get yourself all dressed up in something deliciously extravagant. You know what I mean. Something made of crimson velvet with pale-petal-pink marabou trim, if you're that sort of girl. Or skin-tight and vinyl if you're a vixen into black. Then pose in front of your mirror as you do your make-up. Really go to town with the mascara and the lipstick. You want your eyes to stand out, and you want your mouth to look full and inviting.

Now, here's the key -- don't go out.

I'm not kidding.

Don't even think about going out.

Tonight, you and your man are going to stay in.

Of course, the trick to this particular treat is that you don't tell him you're not going out. What you do, is invite him over at a specific time -- or if you and your honey live together, then tell him to be ready at a specific time -- then spring your X rated outfit on him. He'll look you up and down in that slow, hungry way of his, that he-lion way, and then he'll shake his head slowly, as if he can't believe his luck. Or as if he can't believe you're planning on hitting the club scene all dolled-up like a tart.

Don't blow your cover. Let him stare. Let him ogle. Let him get all hot and bothered. Then strip him. Do you hear me? Strip him completely out of his clothes until he's naked while you're still dressed sex-queen style. Slide in your favorite CD, something with a heavy, throbbing beat. Then make him sit down on an armless chair and give him a lap dance.

You know the rules, right? You get to touch him, but he can't touch you.

Make sure that he sticks to those rules. Hands at his sides so that he behaves like a good boy. Rules are very important to this game. Remember that. And the thing of it is, you're making all the rules tonight.

Chances are, he won't be able to obey completely. I mean, chances are that his cock will try to touch you, even if he keeps his hands welded to his side. Can't punish the boy for that, can you?

'Course you can. Stand up and stare down at his gorgeous cock. Tell it to behave or you won't kiss it. Then bend on your knees in front of him and let him feel your hot breath against his naked skin. He'll be harder than hard at this point. He'll be doing a passable imitation of steel. So break your own rules now and kiss the head. Just the head. Give it any kind of kiss you like: sweet and chaste, wet and sloppy. He won't complain. I'm telling you that from experience. He won't say a word. He'll be too afraid that any movement will stop the pleasure from continuing -- and believe me, he doesn't want that.

When you feel that he's earned it, bob your head once or twice. Go on and do it right. You know how. Remember that you have a goal here. You want the shaft to be nice and slippery wet for when you climb on board. What I'm saying is that you're doing yourself a service here by getting him ready for your sweet pussy. Think about that as you glide your tongue down to his balls and then gracefully bring it back up to the tip. Think about that as you finally pull off your own clothes -- or at least as much as you need to in order to expose yourself -- and slip your body on top of his.

Now, tell him what to do. If you want him to touch your breasts, or kiss your collarbones, or bite your bottom lip, you tell him. If you want him to firmly hold your wrists together over your head, or grip your hips, or kiss your neck, let him know. He won't let you down. Ride him at your favorite speed. Pump your thighs and work him until you feel your own wetness glossing your inner thighs.

Then stand up and have him take his spot behind you. Doggy-style is always best at this junction of the game. Place your palms flat in the seat of the chair, arch those pretty hips of yours, and tell him that you're ready. He'll grip onto you as he slides in deep, and then he'll probably use one hand to pull on your long hair, keeping you in place as he takes control.

It's okay if he takes control now -- or if he thinks he's in control. Because you're about to come, aren't you? Oh, yeah, you are. You're getting so close. Super closer. So use one hand to tickle your own clit as he fucks you, and as you get closer, start to moan. Let him know it's going to happen. Let him know it's going to happen soon!

Do you have all that? Does it all make sense?

Great -- because once you've mastered this, I'll be more than happy to teach you Game #2, which is this: Try this in the back seat of your car. I'm serious. The back seat....

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Charlif761    0

Charlif761
Posted

OK..>REEIZBOOJE has me beat..........ANyone care to make this a competition???? ;-) She certainly gave something to us pervs!!

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Telly    4

Telly
Posted

Is this more on the lines of what you pervs have been looking for>

Try This At Home

by Ayre Riley

Really. I'm serious. Try this.

That is, if you're in the mood for a salacious evening. If you're not, skip this advice and move onto something else. But if you are, then try this at home!

Get yourself all dressed up in something deliciously extravagant. You know what I mean. Something made of crimson velvet with pale-petal-pink marabou trim, if you're that sort of girl. Or skin-tight and vinyl if you're a vixen into black. Then pose in front of your mirror as you do your make-up. Really go to town with the mascara and the lipstick. You want your eyes to stand out, and you want your mouth to look full and inviting.

Now, here's the key -- don't go out.

I'm not kidding.

Don't even think about going out.

Tonight, you and your man are going to stay in.

Of course, the trick to this particular treat is that you don't tell him you're not going out. What you do, is invite him over at a specific time -- or if you and your honey live together, then tell him to be ready at a specific time -- then spring your X rated outfit on him. He'll look you up and down in that slow, hungry way of his, that he-lion way, and then he'll shake his head slowly, as if he can't believe his luck. Or as if he can't believe you're planning on hitting the club scene all dolled-up like a tart.

Don't blow your cover. Let him stare. Let him ogle. Let him get all hot and bothered. Then strip him. Do you hear me? Strip him completely out of his clothes until he's naked while you're still dressed sex-queen style. Slide in your favorite CD, something with a heavy, throbbing beat. Then make him sit down on an armless chair and give him a lap dance.

You know the rules, right? You get to touch him, but he can't touch you.

Make sure that he sticks to those rules. Hands at his sides so that he behaves like a good boy. Rules are very important to this game. Remember that. And the thing of it is, you're making all the rules tonight.

Chances are, he won't be able to obey completely. I mean, chances are that his cock will try to touch you, even if he keeps his hands welded to his side. Can't punish the boy for that, can you?

'Course you can. Stand up and stare down at his gorgeous cock. Tell it to behave or you won't kiss it. Then bend on your knees in front of him and let him feel your hot breath against his naked skin. He'll be harder than hard at this point. He'll be doing a passable imitation of steel. So break your own rules now and kiss the head. Just the head. Give it any kind of kiss you like: sweet and chaste, wet and sloppy. He won't complain. I'm telling you that from experience. He won't say a word. He'll be too afraid that any movement will stop the pleasure from continuing -- and believe me, he doesn't want that.

When you feel that he's earned it, bob your head once or twice. Go on and do it right. You know how. Remember that you have a goal here. You want the shaft to be nice and slippery wet for when you climb on board. What I'm saying is that you're doing yourself a service here by getting him ready for your sweet pussy. Think about that as you glide your tongue down to his balls and then gracefully bring it back up to the tip. Think about that as you finally pull off your own clothes -- or at least as much as you need to in order to expose yourself -- and slip your body on top of his.

Now, tell him what to do. If you want him to touch your breasts, or kiss your collarbones, or bite your bottom lip, you tell him. If you want him to firmly hold your wrists together over your head, or grip your hips, or kiss your neck, let him know. He won't let you down. Ride him at your favorite speed. Pump your thighs and work him until you feel your own wetness glossing your inner thighs.

Then stand up and have him take his spot behind you. Doggy-style is always best at this junction of the game. Place your palms flat in the seat of the chair, arch those pretty hips of yours, and tell him that you're ready. He'll grip onto you as he slides in deep, and then he'll probably use one hand to pull on your long hair, keeping you in place as he takes control.

It's okay if he takes control now -- or if he thinks he's in control. Because you're about to come, aren't you? Oh, yeah, you are. You're getting so close. Super closer. So use one hand to tickle your own clit as he fucks you, and as you get closer, start to moan. Let him know it's going to happen. Let him know it's going to happen soon!

Do you have all that? Does it all make sense?

Great -- because once you've mastered this, I'll be more than happy to teach you Game #2, which is this: Try this in the back seat of your car. I'm serious. The back seat....

That is soo hot! I love this. I think I'll do that tonight b/c he's off tomorrow :confused:

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warmmorningsun    1

warmmorningsun
Posted

I myself am a TOTAL perv. My picture is next to that word in the dictionary. I am the spokesperson for Pervology.

President of Pervuniversity :confused:

Acting member of PervAnonymous

My Body's so Pervalicious for you now!

Have a Perv-asive need to be a Perv

Pervisims welcome here....(please add)

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warmmorningsun    1

warmmorningsun
Posted

Well I'm still waiting for someone to post a message saying that I can't give head anymore due to gagging issues.....

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh My God. That is f'ing hilarious! I can't stop laughing...must .... breathe.....BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Like...it might get stuck in the band? :hungry:

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Go To Topic Listing LAP-BAND Surgery Forums

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      1. Selina333

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    • Alisa_S

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      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
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      · 1 reply
      1. LeighaTR

        LeighaTR

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    • Alisa_S

      Alisa_S

      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
      · 1 reply
      1. summerseeker

        summerseeker

        Life as a big person had limited my life to what I knew I could manage to do each day. That was eat. I hadn't anything else to look forward to. So my eating choices were the best I could dream up. I planned the cooking in managable lots in my head and filled my day with and around it.

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        BTW, the liquid diet sucks, one more day and you are over the worst. You can do it.

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