Hi everyone,

I have been pretty quiet lately. Trying to get back to the job of living and working and less time on the support boards! LOL . Lately, I have been going through some changes that are very disturbing.

Well, here it is. I am bored. Bored with my work, bored with my marriage, bored with my life yet I am afraid of welcoming change. I am 38 with two children (2 and 8). I am afraid of the attention I now get from the opposite sex for fear that I will want to act on it. I am afraid to be alone and I am afraid to change careers. I feel like I have been living in a cocoon for the last 10 years.

My brain says it wants to party and be a wild child again. The functioning part of me knows that I am a mother, business woman, wife (not necessarily in this order).

Despite losing 111 lbs so far, it doesnt make me feel less lonely or more accepted. Now I just feel naked and vulnerable . I am not clinically depressed. I started seeing a shrink about 6 weeks ago to help me with the lethargy and boredom issues.

Basically I feel that I want to explode out and expend some of the bottled up energy I have inside me. I want to have fun. I want to flirt. I want to travel. There are so many things that I want to do, but basically I feel trapped. I also feel sexy again despite the low self esteem and body dysmorphia issues I have. Now I realize that all of these issues are normal when someone loses a lot of weight. But I feel completely out of control like I want to do something crazy, wild and fun. I also dont trust that if I go away with the girlfriends or go on a business trip that I might not go too far. So I am doing nothing except getting angry with myself for being such a wuss and racked with guilt about the alternative lifestyle I dream about. I am frustrated and reaching out for help. I guess I'm just craving attention (male). I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful. I want to get back out in the real world and meet people. I have shared some of this with the hubby and I asked him for help making changes in our relationship to improve communication. But he's never been the wishy washy sentimental sort and right now I need my hand held.

Well, what do you guys think? Am I totally messed up?

Babs in TX

334/223/180

-111

6/23/03

sleep apnea can strike anyone, but (strangely enough) it often both causes and is caused by obesity. (Lab animals deprived of REM sleep--like apnea patients--eat more.)

Anyway, just a word of warning from an old person. And while we're at it, yet another thing that is "easier" with band than with bypass. Fat cells are chock full of hormones. People who rapidly lose a lot of weight get a bit nuts. Sometimes it's mood, sometimes it's even more, such as hot flashes and all. You have lost a LOT of weight in a relatively short period of time. In fact, there are people who have hd bypass surgieries who are not losing as fast as you are. That said, you could be (excuse the unsolicited diagnosis) just a bit nuts right now. Nothing worthy of hospitalization or that sort of thing, But like your worst-ever PMS times 111. THAT kind of nuts.

And add to that, that a woman who weighs 220-something presents an entirely different persona than a woman who weighs 330-something. Depending on how long you've been MO, you are dealing with having the world treat you in a way it has not in a long time. That's gotta bring up issues along the lines of, "So what was wrong with me this time last year, Bubba?"

Good luck finding you!

Babs,

I am to be banded on 7/23 but in 1998 I lost 125lbs (I gained it back) on my own and when I did the men just fell all over me which never happened when I was heavy. My husband was a truck driver, we were married 30 years. He was not affectionate or romantic. I was like you I wanted to be held, touched etc. I wanted to be like a kid again. I wanted romance and passion in my life.

I got in a rut and I felt like a piece of furniture. I started taking country dance lessions. I had more men asking me out than I would have ever thought. I didn't go. I just wanted to learn to dance. I told my husband I was doing it. He didn't like it but...

I loved all the attention.

I would be at the store and men would wait longer than they should just to hold the door open for me, when I was heavier they would let the door shut in my face.

Well I left my husband in Feb. of 99. I let the weight loss attention get me. Sure I got the attention that I desired but it is hard to find a man that will love you for what you are inside not just the looks on the outside. After I left my husband and I seen what was out there I wish I had stayed with my husband. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

I guess what I am trying to say is think hard before you leap.

My x and I are good friends now but as they say you can never go back.

This is just what happened to me and I wish I could change somethings but it is too late.

Good luck to you and your weight loss.

Lucy

Lucy,

Thanks for you post. I am doing some repair work on our relationship. My husband went with me to one of my therapy sessions. We both know the relationship is troubled, but I will not give up on it yet. My husband is a good man, but we need to put a little spice back in the relationship. We are working on the communication skills and things are getting a little better in that dept. Thanks for your words of advice. I will heed them.

Babs in Tx

334/214/180

-120

6/23/03