> A friend shared this with me. Thought you ladies would enjoy.

>

> > I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and

> humiliation

> > known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1950's, the

> > bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman

> with

> > a mature figure - boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as

> > engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a

> good

> > job.

> >

> > Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with

> a

> > figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice -

> > she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a

> floral suit

> > with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from

>

> > Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill

> department

> > store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a

> designer

> > range of fluorescent rubber bands.

> >

> > What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and

>

> > entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first

> thing I

> > noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch

> material. The

> > Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to

> launch

> > small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you

>

> > manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from

> shark

> > attacks. The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your

> > passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

> >

> > I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder

> strap

> > in place, I gasped in - my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I

> found

> > one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the

> other.

> > At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is

> that

> > modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to

> wear her

> > bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump.

> >

> > I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full

> view

> > assessment. The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately, it

> only

> > fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me

> oozed out

> > rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play

> dough

> > wearing undersized cling wrap.

> >

> > As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the

> > pre-pubescent sales girl popped head through the curtains, "Oh There

> you

> > are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit...I replied that I wasn't so

> sure

> > and asked what else she had to show me.

> >

> > I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of

> masking

> > tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an

> oversized

> > napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin

> bathers

> > with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant

> with

> > triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a

> midriff

> > and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair

> with

> > such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear

> them.

> >

> > Finally, I found a suit that fitted...a two piece affair with shorts

> style

> > bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and

> bulge

> > friendly, so I bought it. When I got home, I read the label which said

>

> > "Material may become transparent in water." I'm determined to wear it

> > anyway.....I'll just have to learn to do the breaststroke in the sand.

Renee

That was great! Thanks for sharing!!

Angela

Renata

Thanks for the laugh!

"Cowering under my left armpit!" HA!

I just wanna know WHO filmed me that day?? I'm soooooo embarrassed!! :D That was cute, sounds like something Erma Bombeck would have written.