This is kind of a long story, but I'm looking for an outside opinion for my sister. Lots of us here seem to have crazy families, so I thought maybe you guys would have some good ideas.

History: Parents are divorced, mom has a boyfriend (AJ), who is basically our stepdad, but they refuse to get married (they both had bad divorces). Sami (my sister) is getting married in April, and her and Jayson (her fiance) send money to mom to put toward the wedding (for safe keeping).

Mom and AJ have pretty much paid for everything other than the money Sami has sent. Dad hasn't participated in the wedding planning at all (financially or otherwise).

Problem: Sami wants dad in the wedding because he's our dad, but doesn't want him in the wedding if he isn't going to participate he doesn't get to participate. Basically 'you don't get to look like the good dad without BEING the good dad'. Also, bitter divorcee mom would be very upset to pay for the wedding and have dad act like he'd been a part of it the whole time (especially since they are going to give Sami and Jayson all the money they put toward the wedding as a gift).

Sam's afraid to flat out ask dad whether he's going to be a part of the wedding (before and during the ceremony) because money is a horribly touchy subject with him (We are nasty selfish b@#$%es because we were curious whether we had inheritance from our grandfather and looked into it and he didn't talk to us for 3 months).

I told her it was her wedding and she needed to do what she wasn't going to regret in the future (gee I wish dad had been there, gee I wish I hadn't had him in the wedding). Unfortunately either decision is going to really irritate the other parent. He's in the wedding, mom is peeved, he's not in the wedding, he's upset.

I know this is way off topic, but I don't think that I'm much help to her right now because I'm not very fond of the man at the moment so I thought I'd see what outside parties would say.

I say she should invite him, give him a seat with the family, but have step-dad or another special person walk her down the aisle. All he gets is an invitation. He gets no opportunity to pay for anything. If he wants to do something, he can give cash to the bride and groom and let them decide what it pays for. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to come, then it's his regret for missing his daughter's wedding, not hers for leaving out her father. He is an honored guest. Get him a bouteneer (sp?) too. Introduce him at the reception as one of the brides parents ("the brides mother and AJ, and the brides father") The fact that he's not walking her down the aisle is a pretty big message. And like I said, if he wants to contribute, give cash to Sam and hubby.

Dad does not have to buy his way into the wedding. He's the father of the bride. For that, he deserves to be there and given due respect. The place of honor for the man doing the work and paying out the big bucks gets to walk Sam down the aisle, right?

Hope that made sense.

What does Sami really want? I think both parents should be reminded that it is about Sami and her husband, not a socially gathering to ensure everyone's comfort. I don't think Sami is obligated to have her dad there or have him walk her, but if she wants him too, thats the way it should be. Unfortunately, step-parenting is really about doing the work and having bio-parents take a lot of the credit. SOrt of the nature of the beast. I can understand your mom's point of view but right now, Sami is the main concern.

Thanks for the input guys. I meant to put into my original post that our Grandfather is walking her down the isle. She decided that a while ago.

She isn't sure what she wants to do at this point. I think I need to tell her again to do what she wants to do for herself, just like you guys said. We both have issues trying to please everyone around us.

I agree with what has been said... this is Sami's day, so her feelings come first. If Dad wants to contribute money to the wedding, he should offer. He's obviously not going to respond well to being put on the spot. I'm sorry this is so stressful for you. Weddings can be a nightmare even when everybody gets along... On a positive note, you're going to look hot at the wedding!

I went through the same thing at my wedding. I wanted both my Dad & Step-Dad to walk me & my Dad went through the roof. It was a nightmare! I also asked my Grandpa to walk me. It worked out just fine! & I think it was the best decision I could have made. Pops looked adorable in his tux & I have never seen him smile as big as he did that day. Good luck!

I think he should be invited even if it PO's your Mom. Its time for everyone to put aside their "what ever" feelings they have and make this the best day of your sisters life. You all know the truth about who's paying for what and thats all that really matters. I'm glad your grandpa is walking her down the isle, it is so cool.

My father passed away in 1984 and I got married in 1990. My brother walked me down the isle and even though I know my Dad was watching, I surely do wish he was there holding my hand. You never know what tomorrow brings so just enjoy today.

Good luck !!! and congratulations to your sister

Similar fiasco with our wedding... But it wasn't my dad... My hubby's dad is a butt and we didn't even invite him to the wedding because he is a dead beat alcoholic and cares nothing for his family... BUT, that was my hubby's decision... I went with what HE wanted because it was HIS dad.

I think your sister needs to do what SHE wants and screw what is PROPER and what everyone else thinks!

I don't like my dad very much, but I would invite him. He is my dad afterall. I would not let him walk me down the isle though! Thankfully I have my son for that

Your mom is helping pay for the wedding, and her feelings should be considered more than your dad's.

I agree with honoring mom for helping out so much with the wedding, maybe a thank you in the reception speech. Does dad already know a wedding is taking place, and has HE offered to help? The day belongs to the bride and groom, if they want him there he should be there, if they don't he shouldn't. If they feel they need to invite him but don't feel like he's due any honors, don't give him any. We're all familiar with the saying that any man can be a father, but love makes a man a dad. Worry about pleasing the people who care enough to try and please you or in this case... the bride.

He knows about the wedding, he was told right after they got engaged. When he was asked before if he'd be participating he said "Well, maybe I think I can do $1000" but then he hasn't moved forward with that or mentioned it again after that.

He is going to be invited, the struggle is just whether or not he's "in" the wedding. I think she's firmly decided that if he doesn't participate, he's not "in" the wedding. I just don't know if she's decided whether to ask him flat out what he's going to do.

I thikn everyone with extended family has this same problem. My step dad was upset because he thought I was serious when I was joking about both of them walking me down the isle. Then he got mad because I didn't ask him to be in a picture with me by myself, not intentionally, just because it was my wedding day and everything went by in a rush. He didn't step up either. She is not going to make everyone happy with her decisions, but the others need to put their feelings aside for the day. She shouldn't feel pressure from everyone as to what to do. And if all else fails I say ELOPE! Is it too late for that? If I would have known better I would have. I still get mad thinking of all of the little things that everyone was offended by. Now, the difference is I paid for my own wedding. Whoever is paying should be able to voice some opinions but none against the rest of the family. I feel for your sister because I have so been there. Tell her whatever makes her happy is what she needs to do and as the sister it is your job to go behind her putting out the little fires discretely with your mom and dad to make this day as easy as possible for her. I had to do everything myself for my wedding. I don't have the meddling mothers that wanted to plan every last thing. I could have used some help with things like that, but oh well. But I was exhausted from planning and decorating by the time it came. One of my mothers wanted to leave before I even threw the bouquet because I was sitting with some friends of mine instead of them at the small reception, which lasted all of 30 minutes that I can remember. Try everything in your power to help your sister not be stressed and to enjoy her day. I needed a sister like you during that time that was interested in getting advice for me. Stay close to her and don't take anything she says personally in the time until the wedding. Good Luck.

Sorry this was long and moved around a lot.

Kim,

I appreciate your advice. I'm doing the best that I can to put out the little fires that are started, but this one is a bit difficult. It's really all about dad and his refusal to be a part of it even though she wants him to. She doesn't want to elope, she wants the big wedding with all the pieces, so that's what she's going to get. What really gets me the most about the whole thing is that I know that I'm not going to have this much trouble getting help from him, and our youngest sister's wedding he'll pay for altogether whenever it comes up. I don't understand why he's like this with her. So frustrating!

I think it will end up that he's invited, not part of the wedding, gets his feelings hurt and we go from there...