DeLarla

(Say this in your best Mrs. Doubt fire voice.) GOOOOOD MORNINGGGGGGG! Hello everyone! Nice to see you on this super Saturday! I'm here because I need weekend support. I usually do fairly well during the weeks, but weekends turn to a FREE-FOR-ALL. I live in Vegas, so someone is almost always viiting, or I'm working parties, or riding with my motorcycle people. Every single day gives me an excuse to eat crap. Wings, Fingers, Fries, pizza, you name it! So today my challenge is to eat a salad for lunch with oil and vinegar. Lots of Water, and a nice Protein based dinner with veggies and maybe a lil tater. (I just jumped clear off my seat cause Voodoo barked out the window and startled me.) I'm so happy today - even though I didn't get any sleep. I'm not sure why, but let's all have a fabulous weekend and try to lose a pound while we're at it!

1. Bread - no problem if I eat super slow, and only 1/2 of what I used to. 2. Pasta - no problem 3. Pop - I haven't had any for 12 days, but my doc allowed Diet ONLY 4. Tortillas - no problem if I eat slow 5. Salad - my favorite! 6. Steak - no problem if chewed well 7. Roast - same as steak, you're making me hungry 8. Cereal - no problem 9. Hamburger - no prob 10. Pizza - Ouch... it's a problem food that I need to stay away from ever since cheese gave me a blockage 11. Apples - ouch, I eat them slow, but I never eat a whole one. Applesauce - yes! 12. Chips - ouch, another problem food that goes down way too easy! 13. Cheese - my problem. Too fattening, too dense, and I can't eat just one piece and recently had a bad, bad couple days due to blockage 14. Shrimp - no problem 15. Pop corn - no problem 16. Pretzels - dry, but no problem.

We moved to Vegas in 1994 during the begining honeymoon phase of our love, but once I saw all the strip clubs and naked billboards, I got a lil worried. During the first week, I took him out on a surprise date and marched him right into Glitter Gulch (totally nude back then.) I HAD to see how this guy was going to react to all the amazing naked dancers in Vegas, let alone the half-naked cocktail waitresses at the hundreds of casinos! So we sat and had a drink, and then I left the table to go to the bathroom and got "lost" and stayed away from the table for a long, long time. I stood far away spying on him, and he won my heart double time that night. Even my perverted husbsand didn't want anything to do with those girls. He just kept craning his neck looking for Mamma (me.) Someone did buy me a lap dance once, and I'm a good sport so I let it happend. But I kept telling the girl to pleaes not rub her boobs in my face. She almost cried in my ear and said she would get fired cause the boss was watching. So I hepled her out and told her to concentrate on my neck so we could whisper to each other. It was pretty fun, like a slumber party becasue we were whispering about things that had nothing to do with sex, she got paid well, and she got to keep her job. But again, those boobs! It's not fair!

I failed to mention that Ronald bought Nancy a lap dance, which she thoroughly enjoyed! (By the way, how fun that we're talking in "Nancy & Ronny." They also offered to buy ME a lap dance, which I tastefully declined, however I did give one girl a dollar bill because I love dance and acrobats, and I was extremely impressed that she was able to do the splits, while standing on one leg, with the left one stretched straight up the pole and her back all swayed. It was very beautiful, so she earned the tip, though she asked me to slide it in her G-string, so I cooperated. OMG, if I had a body like that I'd be pole dancing too! It's simply not fair! When I got home last night I left my husband a letter since we never see each other (he had to work this morning.) I told him of my adventures, and I’m not sure he’s thrilled since I didn’t get a note this morning. Every morning I get up and run straight to the kitchen for my love note. There wasn’t one this morning. Uht OH! I had a stack of catalogs and cards with me, so I plug plug plugged the night away and propped up catalogs & cards in bathrooms and on drink trays. Never miss a business opportunity!

Tonight my friend from high school came to town after not seeing her since the 1980. I expected Wild Child; I got Nancy Regan, with legs crossed. Based on her hot hot teen bod and butt-length teen silken hair, I expected her to be accompanied by Orlando Bloom, but it was more like Ronald Regan/George Bush. She got old and serious, I got goofier. Ronald was very quiet and subdued, even though they rode in from California on his Yamaha. Not much passed through those pursed, tight lips, but he was strangely and overly interested in my Slumber stuff and immediately asked for a catalog, which I always have with me.) After one of those weird dinners with too many long pauses of silence, they asked me where the best nudie club was. Eeeeesh! So I gave them directions to Cheetahs, but they looked at me as if I were insane for thinking I wasn't joining them. Not wanting to be rude, I offered to lead the way. When we got there, they twisted my arm, so I agreed to go in. But when they found out it wasn't totally nude, they led the way back to the parking lot and asked valets where we could find the real deal. Deep breathe. Hubby thinks I'm at a cocktail party, and he's asleep, so I can't even phone home to find the proper protocol. Not wanting to be a rude hostess, I agree to tag along. But when they found out there's no booze in the full nudie joint, they finally decide boobies will have to do. So off to Cheetah's we went. I felt like a VIP since locals get in free. Tonight I learned that I'm effeminately not a lesbian or even a bisexual. I wish you guys could be in my head right now... I have NO idea how I ended up in a booby bar. But I got hit on by a guy who asked if he could escort me inside, and even my friend said he was hot! Too bad I didn't have a camera. I should have had him notarize a statement of authenticity. He was a HOT HOT HOT. But I missed hubby and felt a whole new feeling of weird guilt, so I had my Spritzer and pretended to talk on the cell phone since all the naked girls were winking at me (they're paid to.) What will tomorrow bring? And if you don't believe I'm totally innocent, check out the time of this post. I was home by 10:45 p.m.!

Bean, I'm getting a little tired of your pushy attitude - you WILL do the River Dance even if it's from a wheelchair or walker. Chair dance. No excuses. And please send me an invite to your party, sounds great! What awesome ideas. Now I'm jealous because I want fireworks and a New Orleans theme and donations to no-kill shelters. When my list is complete, I'll give it to my life insurance guy and my husband. I think it's a good idea for all of us, right? I don't have a will, and what court is going to argue with a hundred friends on a public website? I need to add some stuff to make sure Chris isn't left alone. And my fur babies must be kept together if Chris and I go together. They are number 1. Damn, it all makes death so real, so I better go blow a wad of money on Vegas show tickets that I've wanted to see, and I better book that fishing trip to Alaska and that trip to Switzerland. No time to waste!

Aren't funerals drab and boring? Death is part of life, and no matter how hard it is to face, we all have to face it many times in this short, short time we have here. So why let someone else plan our funeral? Let's document what we want right here, right now. DeLarla's Funeral Party -Eclectic Theme (anything goes in Hippy, 80's dance, 70's bad hair.) -Cremation. Family may want a viewing first, so make sure I get a smile plastered on my face. Lots of pink satin in my coffin. Max's feather in my hand (my deceased Cockatiel.) -Everyone gets a vial on a red, satin string with a pinch of my ashes mixed with fairy dust (put some glitter in a Magic Bullet and make pretend) for a rearview mirror hanger or Christmas ornament. -PINK FLOYD, The Wall - very loud. Everyone gets sheet music and acts very dramatic when Pink goes crazy and smashes in the hotel room. -Everybody must do the River Dance for at least 30 seconds. If you don't know how, fake it. -Go around, one by one, and say one thing I left behind that will always make you laugh. -Donate my kibbles n' bits to science before cremation. Especially get my brain to the latest scientists studying Anxiety Disorder. -Take pictures. I've always loved pictures. -When it's time for Kitty Milo McSorley Bonekovic, Sachi, and Voodoo to go, all ashes must be saved to be combined with mine and Chris's. Nobody's ashes get scattered till we're all together, then scatter in our favorite places: Pacific Ocean, Atlantic Ocean, Sea of Cortez, Big Bear, Brian Head, the Desert, Disneyland, The Strip... everywhere! -Cocktails: Preferably Bloody Mary's but if that freaks you go for DeLarla's Toxic Teas. -Crying is okay, but only happy tears. It's my damn funeral, I get to make the rules. -NO SUITS, NO ORGANS, but scarves and veils are totally cool as long as they are sparkly or beaded. NO CLOWNS. - Instead of limos, everyone pile in VW Vans or the backs of pick-ups or Harleys (or all of the above.) Tin cans and condoms, like a wedding. - Last but not least, please take up a collection and hire a make up girl to show everyone the proper use of lip liner. For men, nose hair clipping techniques. - Candy bowl with Orange & Black M'nMs.

Put on your panty liners and get ready for a laugh. After 15 minutes on hold, the Gastro dept. says they have my referral, but it doesn't refer me. What? Yes, they have a referral form from my primary, but since it doesn't specifically say that I'm referred, it's useless. I asked "Doesn't the fact you have a referral form IMPLY that I'm referred?" So since she wasn't able to answer such a perplexing question, she blind-transferred me to Brenda, who proceeded to yell at me. I should know this, and I should know that, so I put on the drama and fake cried and make her feel like crap, then asked, "WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT A SICK PATIENT?" I could hear the "Oops" in her fat head as she started tap dancing and calling me Honey. Back to square one. Circus music playing in my head.

If you're on antibiotics for your ear infection, those have always made me feel like I was starving. It's all new, and things will fall into place but you have to be patient. Good luck.

Dr. Billy is military when it comes to diet. He doesn't take any crap, and you can't pull anything over on him. One thing I remember is when he asked me why I had cheese in the house. His tone and seriousness may as well have screamed, "WHY THE F DO YOU HAVE CHEESE IN THE HOUSE, LISA, HUH?!" Cheese is evil. As evil as candy. Sure, a slice or couple ounces is an excellent source of protein and much needed dairy, but when's the last time I enjoyed a slender slice of cheese? Cheese just isn't cheese unless it's stretched 2 feet out in front of you or mounded in heaps all melty and lovely. MMM cheeessseee. Stupid cheese. Tick tock, still on hold waiting to make my Gastro appointment. Love those phone recordings saying, "Thank you for holding." Then the girl finally picks up and says, "can you hold a moment.?" Uh, do I have a choice?

I'm feeling better... but I'm still "feeling" if that makes sense. I can feel a little pinchy squeeze of the band. Good news is I jumped through the first hoops sucessfully and get to bypass my primary doc and go straight to Gastro. I should get a prize. I'm on hold now trying to schedule the Gastro appt. Thanks for asking. Sorry for not participating so much, but I'm trying hard to pull away from LBT during work hours since I have a great amount of respect for my job. It's not fair to them, and they've been super understanding of all my Band problems. I'll let you know what happens at the Gastro, but I have a feeling I'll have to study some soap operas for really bad acting skills. If I have to break down and shudder in tears to get an endo, well that's what I'll do!

A duck waddles into the market and asks, "Hey, got any grapes?" The clerk responds, "Sorry, no grapes today." 30 minutes later, same duck waddles into same market and asks same clerk, "Hey, got any grapes?" Disturbed, the clerk shoots a stern glare and says, "NO, we don't have any grapes today." 20 minutes later, same duck waddles in same market and asks same clerk, "Hey, got any grapes?" The Clerk loses his temper and screams at the duck, "No, I don't have any damn grapes, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your flippers to the floor!" 10 minutes later the same duck waddles into the same shop and asks the same clerk, "Hey, got any nails?" The clerk says, "No, we don't carry nails." The duck says, "Good, then do you have any grapes?"

Hey, I'm liking this clinic idea! Yes, I must work on becoming a millionairessesssessss at once-te-sessss!

I thought he looked a little Rod Stewart. He lives in Canada. According to my sister, he's one hellofa nice guy that really, really wants a girlfriend. That's why she asked me to send Patty as a joke. He's apparently got a great sense of humor, because he's paying my sister back for the joke by going to my site for Captian P**** Blow up P****! Too funny!

You took the words right out of my head. It's not just about losing weigh, it's about loving who we are, no matter what we look like. I hope people learn from this post and go buy pretties for themselves.

I want some! I'm going to look for that. Can I put 9 teaspoons of sugar in it? (Ducks.)

P.S. Change your name to Pierced Dimples. You've got the cutest devil grin!

I have carpal tunnel syndrome, so I'm typing with clunky braces on my hands. When I clap it's like boards banging together. Can you hear the noise?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are men here, but they don't talk enough because us women do all the yapping! Guys, come out and play!

I was in the same predicament, hoping one of my insurance companies would cover the band. I felt double cheated since I have two insurance plans (Blue Cross through my work and HPN through my husband’s.) So I started researching other insurance options to see what companies covered it. But in the middle of the insurance battle, I just stood up and yelled, “Fu** INSURANCE!” I was miserable being alive at 315 pounds taking one med to regulate my blood pressure, another for my anxiety, another for my insomnia, and using a breathing machine to keep me alive at night. I wanted to die in my sleep. My life was a tad more valuable than any stupid insurance company, so I did anything and everything to pay for my own damn band. I stopped getting manicures, let my roots grow out, permanently turned the air conditioning down, got a 2nd crappy job, cancelled the lawn guy and the Water delivery, and got a small 2nd mortgage. If I can do it, anyone can. I can see both sides of the story here, but I honestly can't imagine finding an insurance company specifically to get one particular medical treatment. That’s just not how insurance works. If I were an insurance agent and someone called me specifically to buy my insurance just because they wanted a band, I would either turn them down or charge a huge premium or put restrictions, like “no band for 5 years.” I’m not trying to be mean, but I don’t think any insurance company would accept that kind of deal. If you really, really, really want this surgery, you'll find a way. Just don't give up. You never know what will happen tomorrow. Heck, maybe even your current insurance will switch to the band since so many others are. Good luck.

I'm very proud of us. All of us.

PinkMary, one thing you must learn about DeLarla is that PINK RULES and I've got tough skin. I didn't even think of getting offended. DAY 10, no soda, no Cheetos, candy, Cookies, ice cream. Not even a sip of diet. Blah.

One time this really shy pregnant girl at work needed something at my desk. She bent over my desk, and a huge fart ripped out. The poor thing nearly died and avoided me for months. I felt sorry for her. The point is, we are all gross people. We have boogers and belly button lint. We pooh-pooh and pee pee and have ear wax. Don't let gurgles embarass you. Just let people know you are an alien, and if they look at you funny you'll eat their head.

Am I the only one thinking, "YEAH, FIVE SCOOPS OF ICE CREAM!?" Sorry, but I can't support your guilt. I'm just mad that you didn't call me to invite me to be bad with you. I'm crunching my teeth together trying to stay away from goodies. It wouldn't have been hard to pursuade me! You're fine. Just don't do it again tomorrow - wait a day... KIDDING!

I forgot all about that pain, but yep, I had it. It lasted a long time. It even went away, then came back. Sounds normal.