makemyownluck

So I've lamented on this board before about how my MD office doesn't have a scale that goes high enough to weigh me. That could very well be A BLESSING for me, it turns out. I went to the MD today and told him that I went to the NUT, started the carb counting diet, and that I have a psych eval tomorrow. I asked him what would happen next and was a little sad when he told me that the insurance will want 3 months of supervised diet. Well, I can wait if needed, but the doctor then said he would talk to the medical group and see if there's a way to skip that part... since his scale only goes as high as 350 and I'm in the 440ish range, there's no way I'm going to lose enough weight in 3 months to be able to get on his scale and show progress. He's hoping that since I've been his patient for 10+ years and my medical record shows other weight loss attempts in the last few years (Phentermine, etc.) that they MIGHT waive the diet part of it. Plus my recent hypertension dx could also scoot things along with getting the referral for surgery approved. I'm not gonna hold my breath since I know insurance companies very rarely bend the rules. But I'm on an *** and my medical group is very small, he's only one of 5 MDs in the group, so I'm thinking I MIGHT have a shot... with the ***, BCBS will pay for the surgery as long as the medical group approves the referral, so there's a chance my MD could convince the medical group that the referral is warranted. Otherwise, we wait the 3 months... looking at December-January for a surgery date. And while I don't particularly want to be laid up from surgery at Christmastime, I'm not going to put it off. He did say that once you do the requirements, they are pretty quick with a response and you get approved for surgery right away - so even if I have to wait 3 months, it's still good news because once the diet part is done, we can get things rolling pretty quickly. At least, that's what I'm hoping for!!

That's awesome! one of my non-scale goals is to fit in a restaurant booth, so I can relate to this one! Work it, girl! Make that desk your B I A T C H!

I never saw myself as transparent until you described yourself this way. While honesty is admirable, being completely transparent is not! It takes more strength to keep some things private. I need to set parameters also. Your comment made me see something about myself that I hadn't considered before! Thank you!

Congrats on the quick approval!! I'm doing my requirements now, hoping to get submitted to my insurance for approval asap! I can't relate to "missing the old me" part, because unfortunately, I've always been heavy. But I can definitely relate to worrying about failure and worrying about loose skin... I don't want to tell a lot of people about the surgery either, because I feel like it's no one's business but mine. One word of advice though - if you work outside of the home, it might be a good idea to tell one trusted coworker about the surgery, that way if you have some sort of medical emergency, they can advise a paramedic. I work with my best friend, so this isn't difficult for me to do since she already knows. It might be hard to figure out who to trust that won't spread your business... I think as time goes by, and our fears subside and we see the success and feel better about ourselves, we might be more apt to tell SOME people about our journey. But maybe not... I can't decide on that issue!! Good luck with surgery and WELCOME to the board!

Good idea with the suitcases. sassypants.... I'm hopefully going with my friend to her gym this week, so maybe they will have a scale there... otherwise I guess I'll just wait til I get to the hospital. I don't want to get into the habit of weighing myself daily, either! I don't think that's a healthy habit - maybe when I'm closer to goal and maintaining I'll want to make sure I don't go back up in weight, but for now, I don't want to be on that thing constantly and obsessing over the number!

Going for a pap test tomorrow. This has never been my favorite thing (like it's anyone's FAVORITE THING) but I haven't had one in a while and I'm quite nervous. Do you think the doc would object to me bringing my own robe? I'm wayyy too big for some tiny paper blanket and gown. Also, I'm so nervous about getting in stirrups... last time I did it, I was like 75lbs lighter. This is gonna be awful. Any tips, support - anything is appreciated... Also, have my psych eval Wednesday. I hope to get some answers tomorrow about where we go from here... wish me luck!

I haven't been referred to a surgeon yet so idk the hospital I'll be going to. I'm sure I'll get weighed eventually but this is so frustrating!

I really, really, really don't want to buy a scale. I don't want one in my home... I have never been someone who obsessed over their weight, I don't want to become one. I can completely and honestly say that my weight (the number) doesn't bother me. Whatever it is, it's just a number. I really just want to get weight for the purpose of having the "starting" number, something to document my dang medical file with. :\ I understand how the number makes people feel better, they like to see the loss - but I'd rather see it in the mirror. The actual number is meaningless to me, I want to be buying smaller clothes and seeing my figure come back and FEELING lighter - that's my goal. I have enough with all the copays and stuff going on financially, I shouldn't have to put an unwanted scale in my home, at my expense, simply because no medical professional I've worked with has a scale that goes high enough for me. And the thing that really stings for me is that I'm heavy, yes, but not so heavy that I'm immobile or can't fit in most chairs and stuff. What about the people who are bigger than me?? Especially men, who are taller and just as hefty... I just don't think it's fair! I'll call the waaaaaaahmbulance and stop complaining about this... what I do know, my first NSV goal is to be "skinny" enough to get on that 350lbs max scale!

So, my MD office has a scale that goes up to 350lbs. Unfortunately, I'm a little heavier than that. My NUT had a scale, but it only went up to 300lbs.! And this NUT was in a diabetes center and had some bariatric sized furniture, but their freakin' scale only goes up to 300lbs?! Am I cray or should scales go up higher than this?? Especially at a doctors office - I asked my MD where I could get weighed, and he had no idea where to send me. Why should this be so hard? Being overweight is embarrassing enough, but now I gotta ask around to see how high someone's scale goes before I step on it? Absolutely and unnecessarily ridiculous, if you ask me. Any suggestions where I might go to get weighed? I'm complete mortified to have this problem.

I would love to keep in touch with both of you as well... I realize that I'm my own worst critic and that I'm harder on myself than I need to be. Sometimes I feel like if I can say the most hateful thing, then nothing that anyone else says can hurt as badly. That doesn't really work tho, but I still find myself thinking those bad things. I'm so ready for that to change. I think this process is wrecking emotional havoc on me, because it's forcing me to change the bad habits I've been ignoring my whole life. There's a subconscious part of me that wants to sabotage this whole idea and go back to the old ways. The NUT was very informative. She gave me some good tools to make better decisions. Now I'm just anxious to get back to my PCP and see what happens next. Mokee, you are so strong to go through this at age 65. I wish you success - it's never too late to change our lives!! I keep trying to convince myself of that - that it's not too late for my to change my body and have a baby if I want to! That I can get back some of the confidence I had as a kid and actual start dating again! That I can TRAVEL! I've never been on a plane in my life because I"m afraid of fitting in the seat and/or being that person no one wants to sit next to. That's not me! I'm the fun one!! Each day we work toward this goal is a day well spent. Despite it ALL - I've never been so hopeful for my future!! Good luck, ladies!

you look so amazing!! you give me hope!

hahahaha - that's awesome. lmao@"I'll admit that I was sure you'd still need doughnuts"

Tomorrow is my birthday. I've been very sad lately, thinking about the life I've wasted. My best friend is in a hospital right now literally watching her mother die. She would give anything for one more good day, and here I sit, wasting my life. Hiding myself because I'm too embarrassed of my appearance to embrace this life I've been blessed with. I remember on my 23rd birthday getting up and ready to go out to dinner with my parents. That day, I had no pants that I fit into. I had nothing to wear. I cried because I felt so hopelessly big. I couldn't even call someone to borrow something - no one I knew was as big as me. And here I am, about to turn 32, and feeling the exact same way. Except that I probably weigh 100lbs more than I did back then. I felt hopeless back then, and now I'd love to be 100lbs lighter. I wish I was that size again. I am already worried about how my mind is going to handle being self-confident again (although, I don't think I ever truly was self-confident). A lifetime of misery isn't something easy to overcome. I'm pretty sure I'll be one of those people who can't see themselves how they really are, because I'm only JUST NOW, at age 32, weighing over 400 lbs, beginning to realize how big I am. I'm "Oh, I hope I don't break that chair" fat. THIS IS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED MY LIFE TO BE.My parents gave me this card for my birthday, explaining how proud they are of me, how they are amazed by everything I've accomplished and how strong I am. And I'm reading it, thinking to myself "What have I done for you to be proud of?" I'm their only child, and i'm this single, hermit-like woman who hasn't accomplished much but graduating high school and being employed. I guess they can be proud that I don't ever ask them for money. I don't feel like I'm worthy of their pride. Is losing weight gonna help me love myself? Not completely, but I really hope it helps. I don't like being so harsh on myself. I just don't know how to shut the negative thoughts off sometimes. I'm just over it. I want to move on. I wish I could snap my fingers and have surgery tomorrow... but I'm just getting this train started. Who knows how long I have to wait... I'm getting anxious with the process, which is resulting in some depression on my end, and due to other factors in my life (like my friend's mother's illness, for example). Times like this make me feel especially lonely. On the bright side, I have the day off work tomorrow. And I go to my first NUT visit. I hope it's a good day. I usually have a good day on my birthday, let's hope this one is the same. And let me be a little selfish and wish that my best friend's mother doesn't die on my birthday... Sorry if this comes off as too depressing. I've just had a lot on my mind lately.

Besides being embarrassed by not fitting in a roller coaster, I actually went car shopping and couldn't strap on a seat belt in one car and barely fit behind the wheel in another. TALK ABOUT EMBARRASSING. I feel your pain!! that said, I'm super jealous you got to take those rides. when I was a kid, I used to absolutely LOVE roller coasters! such an inspiration that you're still having nsv's 2 years later. that's so awesome!!

WELCOME! I'm still pre-op, trying to tick off the insurance requirements as quickly as I can get appointments to do them. I'm amazed at how quickly you got approval!! that's awesome! I wish you the best of luck - I'm sure that you will see relief of many of your symptoms as the weight comes off - and that loving husband will love you even more when you feel as sexy as he sees you to be. Confidence is everything, and you'll get it back when you see your body changing! Keep us updated on post-op!

I'm so happy that working has made it a little easier. I'm still pre-op and was thinking I'd want a month off work - but the more I think about that, the more I think that's a bad idea. Sitting around, alone, hurting and missing food - that SOUNDS depressing!! Getting back to "normal things" as quickly as possible seems like a much better route. I hope every day gets better than the last for you!! Good luck!

So far, I've just been talking to my mom about how I'm feeling, and I haven't shared all of it with her because, quite frankly, I just don't want to. She's been super supportive, but she also wants to have surgery (she wants to get a lap-band, tho) and so she wants to know as much of what I have to go through as possible before she decides to start her own journey. I love this board for connecting me with people who understand what I'm going through!! I'm actually looking forward to hitting the gym. Unfortunately, my friend who offered to take me hasn't been available. Sadly, her mother is in hospice and dying from cancer, so working out isn't exactly on her schedule right now. Thanks for the tip!! My friend told me that the machines were easy to use and that there's lots of helpful people. She talks about Planet Fitness like it's her favorite place ever! lol - I'm glad to hear that my feelings aren't unusual. I'm scared of dying fat, too... makes going through all of this a little easier to keep that in mind.

Even if you did get individual insurance right now 1) you might not even get approved for a policy if your current BMI is too high. Either you'd be denied or you'd have to pay extra. AND 2) you'd more than likely have a pre-existing condition clause that would exclude coverage for any medical conditions you already have (including obesity). So, you could potentially be upcharged 150% on your premium and STILL not get covered for what you need. Isn't insurance awesome? :\ I actually have decent group insurance, but who knows how long it will take to get approved... I can't seem to get answers. Almost makes me want to take a trip and self-pay anyway!! I'll most likely go to Mexico for plastic surgery when the time comes. As long as you do the research, I don't think the quality of the care you will get is any different. Good luck to you!!

So, I have my first NUT visit on Tuesday. Tuesday will also by me 32nd birthday. Should be an interesting day... I've been food diary'ing per the instructions from the scheduler when I made my appointment. She said do it for a few days, I went ahead and started doing it last Tuesday so I could show her a whole week. What I've learned (well, what I kinda knew) is that I eat a lot of crap. Things that just aren't good. I always thought doing a food journal was a dumb idea. but really it makes you face what terrible things you put in your body. I realized that I obviously LOVE EGGS (from my head down to my legs ) because I had them like every other day this week. I also curbed a lot of my snacking just because I didn't want to write it down and have it stare me in the face. All those cliche things that I've heard through the years about the benefits of food journaling... I would have never thought they could actually be true!! I also asked my friend if she would take me to her gym. She has a membership that allows her to bring one guest a day. Now, I've never been in a gym (aside from school). I barely own gym clothes. I have never been one to work out. Correction, in 2001 (i think) I was nutso for Tae-Bo. My roommate at the time had a 5 year old daughter and we'd work the heck outta some Tae-Bo together! My friend was more than happy to accommodate taking me to her gym, but we still have to discuss a day/time to do it. I'm pretty anxious about it. She's overweight too, and the gym she goes to is Planet Fitness and she tells me that it's fine, it's "NO JUDGMENT" and that I don't have anything to worry about. Somehow, I don't take comfort... I just want to get it over with so I can get a few visits under my belt and feel comfortable enough to get a membership of my own. I don't even know where to begin. I don't even know if I'll be able to turn on the treadmill. HOW EMBARRASSING. Each step in this journey is breaking me down. Despite the sadness I seem to be having right now, there's also a hopefullness tucked in there. I'm starting to think this is me, mourning the passing of my old habits, my current life, and seeing that the difficulty I'm about to face is not the end, but the beginning of a new life. There's even a part of me that wonders if maybe I could actually be successful without surgery (and would that be better for my post-weight loss body? or am I fooling myself into thinking I could lose 200 lbs without WLS as a tool?). I keep repeating that this has taken over my mind since I decided to go down the WLS path. It's still true... I'm hoping that as I tick off these requirements and get closer to having surgery, I'll be able to resolve, or have better perspective on, all the emotions that I'm running through right now. I swear, the reason I'm scared of the psych eval is because I fear that I'm losing my GD mind. A MONTH AGO, THIS WASN'T EVEN A SEED IN MY MIND. And now here I am, unable to think about anything else, anxious for change, and for the first time in my life, hopeful for a future - and somehow sad through all of it. If anyone can relate or offer any thoughts on this subject, I'd love to hear it.

Your RNY friend may have a point. I don't think I'd be looking into surgery if I was 60lbs overweight. Of course, I don't know... personally, I'm 200+ overweight and so I really see this as something I need to do because I'm in a drastic situation. But you DID ask for her opinion and she gave it to you... you should really listen to what she's saying. She's saying that SHE would do it again, because she was 200lbs overweight. She had complications, but it was what she had to do to change her life. Maybe if she was getting it done now, she'd do a sleeve - who knows? She's assuming you'd have the same complications, which may or may not be true. I think what she's saying is that she would go through the complications again because it got her to where she is now, but she wouldn't go through all that to lose 60lbs... That said, it's your choice whether or not to have surgery, and considering you are diabetic, I'd say it's the way to go because you are going to have to change your eating habits either way and this will be a helpful tool. For someone with 60 to lose who didn't have co-morbids... idk... seems like a drastic step. But everyone makes the choice for themselves, and if you WERE NOT a candidate, then no surgeon would operate on you! The MD can decide if you're qualified, you have to make sure YOU'RE PREPARED. I wish you luck! Take your friend's advice for what it is - an educated, but not a professional opinion. In the end, if they are your friends, they will support whatever decision you make.

Good point, Tex! I can't believe people think it's their business to say. When someone tells me they're divorced, I don't tell them "Oh, you took the easy way out, huh?" lol

People like to have opinions about things they know very little about. This is true of the general public, which includes our friends, coworkers, family members, and maybe even ourselves. How many years have we all suffered being obese because we had our own stigma about having surgery? I know I'm guilty of that, and as a result I've wasted years of my life that I'll never get back. This surgery isn't something you do for anyone else. It's something you are doing for YOU - and that's the only opinion that matters. Be smart and make informed decisions and you'll always be a success. Good luck to you! Weight loss is not easy - no matter what road you take!

I was going to suggest the thigh pain could be a clot as well....

So, I was sitting at work today and as my shift was winding down, found myself daydreaming about VSG again. I got to thinking (and worrying myself) about post-op living and long term care. Would I require b12 shots for the rest of my life? will I ever be able to eat sugar again? what about reflux? will I have unending reflux that requires lifelong treatment? Am I putting myself at risk for complications that far surpass the initial post-op recovery stage? what am I really thinking about doing to myself?!??!?!?! As I'm thinking myself into a panic, my phone lights up for a new email and this distracts me from my thoughts. A UPS order that I placed wasn't delivered because UPS requires a signature. I have no idea why, but UPS pretty much refuses to leave packages on a first attempt. They require a signature even if the sender doesn't require a signature. It's so beyond frustrating, every time I deal with UPS, I have to call them and get into a huge argument about this. I hate it! The package in question? My fat girl pants - for girls too fat to shop in normal stores. So yeah. That pretty much cinched it for me - I need to get out of these BIG GIRL britches ASAP!! All this stress/phone calls/talking to supervisors/getting SERIOUSLY TICKED OFF is because I need my giant pants. So sad! So what if I need Nexium forever - better than needing MAIL ORDER CLOTHING!! Anyway, thought this ironic tale might give someone a needed chuckle today.

I have the same fears. I have been at my job longer, but I just know telling my boss that it will eventually get around the office. The fact that your boss only thinks of the negative (i.e. you missing work for surgery and not you potentially dying by being obese) just confirms that there is still a lot of stigma around this type of surgery. I'm so sorry that you have to go through it. My suggestion is to let it go. Going to HR or talking to her about it will just make it worse, and right now you need to stay positive. If word gets out, it gets out - all you can do is be true to yourself, be honest and do what you need to do to secure your physical and mental health. The only opinion about your medical history that matters is yours and your Doctors. If your boss does anything to specifically call you out, that would be the time to involve HR. Otherwise, save yourself the stress, stay off the boss' radar and keep doing your job so you can get PAID. That's all that matters, bottom line, is that you do your job and that they pay you to do it. Don't rock the boat. You have way more important things to deal with than someone elses prejudice. Be the example of how WLS is a positive thing.