I had such an emotional day yesterday. I am typically not an emotional person (but things are changing....in a good way). So, Saturday evening I went out and I had a couple of drinks...and food. It wasn't a lot compared to how I would've in the past but it was more than I wanted. I got up Sunday and went to my Zumba class. After Zumba I started doing other stuff. All I thought was....Zumba was not enough. Although proud of myself for getting up and going to class after a night of celebrating with friends, I felt I needed to do more. About 6 hours later, I went back to gym and worked out on the elliptical to burn more calories. Going back helped me in so many ways because it was a better workout. I showed myself I am serious about this journey and even if I messed up, I can redeem myself by exercising more. It has set the tone for the week. I am not going into the week feeling like I screwed up...instead I feel like, I can pump it up harder.
I think I am emotional now more than ever because food used to help me mask my feelings. I can no longer use it and all the emotional baggage comes out. Wow, I think I read something related to this but this really hit me as I typed it. Deep stuff.
Well, wishing myself and everyone else out there, great things to come. We are victors.
I want this blog entry to be positive but I am filled with frustration. I have not written too much since my surgery. I had surgery on 8.23 and probably lost between 17 to 22 pounds, more or less. I went on vacation a week before my last weigh in. I know I gained weight on vacation but I refused to look when I had to weigh in for surgery. My first post surgery follow up on 9/6 showed I lost 17 pounds. My frustration is since that day my weight has gone up a pound and I have not lost anything else.
I work out 4 to 6 times a week. I just need to know this is going to work. I won't lie and say mentally it takes me back to the Lapband failure. I am not claiming that but I have to voice real thoughts.
I am going to keep pushing but I need to see results especially when I read so many great stories on here. I know we are all different but we all are the same when it comes to having this surgery to assist us in losing weight. I am proud of my 17 pounds but I want...need more weight loss. It just stopped.....I need weight loss to restart. Pray for me
I was sleeved on 8.23.12. It was a step into a new direction. The first few days have been an adjustment. My mindset is I must endure it to get where I want to go. I know from reading various blogs, entries, comments that I am pretty much guaranteed to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. What has been even greater is that since I know I WILL lose weight, I can think beyond my body image, beyond my disappointment with myself. It is amazing how I haulted so much of thinking because of self loathing. I am not where I want to be and it may take me a year more or less to get there but I know each day I move further away from where I was on 8.23.12.
I achieved great weight loss on my own before but I am so thankful for this opportunity. It forces me to think about everything I put to my mouth. It forces me to think, "drink slowly" and eventually "eat slowly."
I wondered as I go through these challenging days if I would blog again. All I wanted to do is read what everyone is or has gone through. I told myself I need to still write my experience down so in months to come, I can self reflect.
I see the scale now and I know I can have a positive relationship with it. No longer will it collect dust on it and I cringe as I walk past it.
Anyone in the Pre-Op stage, this is a journey. It is yours and only you can walk this walk. I realized this as I planned to go to the hospital. I owned it then. You see, I had a number of other surgeries and my support system has been in place. My scariest (for lack of a better word) part has been when I get separated from my friends and family and was taken into the presurgery holding area (right before going into the operating room). This time, I faced it. I let my support system stay where they were as I knew I had to face the most challenging part on my own anyway (they did not come to hospital with me). I did it. Now of course, that is my story, my issue but my point is OWN your journey. This is yours. Guaranteed results to come and with that I know my future is brighter.
Wow, I just came back from vacation late Sunday evening. I had to start my pre-op diet while on vacation and I started good on Saturday but screwed up on Sunday. I am back in business today. As much as I ENJOYED my vacation, I also hated it. I was the fattest of the group. Although the others were smaller, they were SMASHING food. I ate too, more than what I usually would but less than they did. It is not fair but it is what it is. I also started thinking this is the last trip I will be able to eat as I know it so I got sad. Sad that it will take a surgery for me to get myself together. I so wish I could have overcome this weight battle on my own as I did in the past.
I guess I am happy and sad. Surgery is days away. I need it as I look horrible. My face is full, stomach bulging...so many things I don't like. Pictures prove it too. I hated taking pics while I was on vacation. I thought, next year when we go on our major trip again, I will look great.
I have so much to say but I am overwhelmed in my thoughts and can't type as fast as I think.
Time for do it...write later...I cannot get my thoughts out now.
VST has become my life. I am on here all the time reading (and sometimes writing). This site has been more than I ever expected. In a couple of days, I drift off on a cruise and I am pretty sure I won't have full Internet access the way I am used to. I will write still but in my journal. When I return I will be in day 3 of my pre-op diet.
Quite honestly, I went in for my ECG and it showed abnormal results. Now I am praying this doesn't impact my surgery. The cardiologist has to read it today and I will go from there. I almost hate I asked for a copy of the results....it isn't like I understand it. I just read what was written at top....normal sinus rhythm, cannot rule out anterior infarct, abnormal ecg. I mean, I got the document so my pcp could see it on Thursday when I go in. I am near regretful I got it but I am hoping it is nothing beyond something that can get better post surgery. Praying it is not something that would prevent surgery. At the least, if there is something wrong with my heart, that it is something in the beginning and can be address. Overthinking.....got to be patient.
In a couple of hours I will meet with Surgeon's office to find out more about what I need to do prior to my 8/23 surgery. I am a little nervous things went too fast and they forgot something. You see, I was there in June when they realized my Lapband was defective. I had that surgery several years ago. The doctor had the patient coordinator submit a request to insurance company to have Band removed and for me to get Sleeved. Once approved, we scheduled this date and surgery date. I was like, "don't I need to do something in between?" Initially they told me no. Well, persistant me called back about a week ago and asked again. The patient coordinator told me I needed my PCP to give me clearance for surgery. I am like, "wtf" and at the same time, like what else will you spring on me. Time is of the essence because at the end of this week I go out of the country and won't return until the week of surgery. I have limited days to do things and I like to plan and be prepared. I definitely don't want to be rescheduled because I did not have a particular test or something.
I know when I went through process for LapBand, I had some tests......................just can't remember them. I hope there are no issues. My mind has been focused and on countdown for this date and 8/23/12. I don't think I could reset my mind on a day further away...........I don't want to.
I am so fixated on this surgery that I was going to cancel my vacation travels out of the country losing some thousands of dollars. I did not care that is how much I want the surgery. I am like, my vacation won't be televised anyway....I will likely not be in any picture. I am so fixated on this surgery that my decision to have it the week I return back to work is premeditated for "ops, I am not feeling well..........can't make it to work for a few days....must have been something I ate while on vacation." If the surgeon could do it right now, I would. Fortunately I have friends in my life that have been helping me navigate. I was told to go on the vacation, have fun, get my mind right for this surgery. I am like, ok but whatever at the same time. I need to get this body right. My mind is on next year's vacation. I went shopping yesterday for this vaca and I am like, "I'm spending money on clothes I probably won't fit in a month or so from now." I have tried to diet before this vacation but that is the biggest contradiction ever. Yeah, I watched what I ate and did well for a while. At the same time, my mind was on not being able to have food as I know it.
I don't know. The great thing is when I am on vacation I actually eat better than at home. Yes, most people come back from vacation with weight gain, I will come back with weight loss. I have digestive issues thus I don't want any problems so since I won't be in a controlled environment, I have to control myself.
So, if it was up to me...bump vacation, I could be like many of you reading this blog and having surgery scheduled for 8/09, counting down to this Thursday but nope, I have to wait about 3 weeks....as long as they don't reschedule me, I'm happy.
I am in divorce proceedings with the Lapband. As a matter of fact, the same day the divorce becomes final, I will marry The Sleeve. The Lapband didn't hold up to its promises, often time having me dehydrated, slimming, or plain vomiting. As committed as I was to it, it wasn't commited to me. Eventually it couldn't even hold its own..................got a leak. When I went to the dr. for counseling, he told me he could repair our relationship or I could go in another direction. I told the doctor, there was no repair, The Band failed me and it needed to leave as soon as possible. He said he could replace The Band, the doctor wasn't listening to me. I told him I gave The Band 3.5 years of my life. The Band made me think I was the problem and all along it failed me and often made me sick than healthy. When the doctor told me about a new Beau in town, I immediately became excited. I wasn't sure if I measured up but the doctor told me he wouldn't fail. He told me the new Beau called The Sleeve was making a lot of women happy........................hmmmmm, and some men. I thought, "Shut the front door." He told me he hasn't met anyone who divorced The Sleeve.....as a matter of fact he said the marriage is permanent. Before I decided to move forward with this marriage, I asked a bunch of questions and researched my soon to be permanent partner. After my due diligence I set the date.....we are getting married on 8.23.12. I know this is a marriage made in heaven, I keep hearing about others who made the same commitment and they have nothing bad to say. As a matter of fact, they said it is a little bumpy a for a few days in the beginning but they couldn't understand what took them so long to see Mr. Right. Yep, so yes, in sickness, or health and until death do we part.......................I am commiting my life to Sleeve.
This blog is NOT about my frustration with the Sleeve nor my frustration waiting to be Sleeved. I am actually excited knowing I will be Sleeved and the fact that it is August, the wait does not seem so far away (8.23). My frustration is with my life....more specifically my job. In a nutshell, I recently got promoted to a job that puts me in the spotlight of the organization I work at. I am not a person who feeds off everyone knowing my name or having power/control issues. I, like many, just want to do the best job I can do. Well, there is so much resistance from various departments....................I just want to go back to my comfort zone of a job that does not challenge me. Well, and honestly, I believe they don't take me serious as I'd want because of my weight. The fact that yes, I am uncomfortable too with it probably sends that energy out into the universe. I hate people are vain. I feel like the only way for me to truly be heard is to become someone I am not.....a b@#$%. It should not be this way....I am just tired of power struggles with people. As old as I am, I've actually been blessed to not work in an environment like the one I am in now.
No, I am not thinking once I get Sleeved, my problems will disappear.....I still have work to do inside out. I am venting and this site has become my venue. I know my life will change and with that and maybe a better/different job will come along. Right now....job, I need the insurance, lol....serve your purpose.
So glad it is Friday. In another week, I will be on vacation. I need it. I will use that time to get my mind right. My relationship with food, possible depression post surgery...all those things I've read about. I will be ready on 8.23.12. Thanks for being a venue to release mental frustration.
Just want to say this site has been my godsend. I have never gravitated to something so effortlessly before. I could read and respond to posts all day. I feel like I can be emotionally naked here. It is give and take. I love VST. I am on FB but I don't post. I am on Twitter but I don't tweet. I encourage newbies to really utilize this site. I know when i had Lapband, I went to their forum but it never resonated with me. I am thankful for Alex for providing us a forum to share. I've had the opportunity to communicate with several people who are having surgery by with same surgeon. I mean, perhaps if I was at surgeon's office I could have had a general conversation with someone in the reception area but lets get real, people are not going to share like they do on this site.
Happy soon to be loser, Michelle
I've been a bit obsessed with this site. I've read so many blogs and other posting....I've even started writing my own blog. I think I need to step back because no one can rush time. Time will come in its own time. I have a challenging job, got vacation coming and then same week I return, I have surgery. I just want to bypass it all and go to surgery. I say that but I know or at least believe, I'm waiting the surgery but I think of the pain some people have had after surgery. I've been reading too much, processing and not processing it all. Another part of me thinks what if it doesn't work. Yes, I've been super positive about this but all it takes is a seed of negative thinking and it can truly grow into more.
I think I am going to have to take a few days away from this site just to get my bearing. This site is a good thing for me but I am a bit too focused on it. I need to do other stuff. Maybe a brief break. I get up getting on the site, check my email for responses....get home and I am here. I am way past my bed time and I am here. I've never utilized anything to this magnitude. It is good but too much too fast for me. I have to go to bed and I will be back........probably in the morning, lol.
Something is taking over me and it is called change. This is my second attempt to weight loss. I had weight loss surgery in 2009 and it did not work. I had Lap Band surgery at the time and now I am waiting for 8.23.12 when the defective Band will be removed and I will be Sleeved.
So, what is the changing and believing in me stuff all about? Well, the LapBand started off ok...that is if you call vomitting all the time and feeling dehydrated because I could barely sip water. I lost weight that way until one day it stopped. Each time thereafter when I went for a fill, nothing happened. Not enough fluid, let me go back.....still nothing. Hmmmm, let me change providers because "they" don't know what their doing. Hmmmm, same problem, different place so it must be..................me. Not only no weight loss, I experienced weight gain.
Needless to say it took me too long to figure it out I wasn't the problem.....the LapBand was. I internalized the failure as my own. In June 2012 I became empowered about my health. I went back to my original provider and the LapBand has a leak. Geez, it did not take a rocket science to figure that out but I was mentally in it and I made it my failure....it had to be "my fault." If only I would have been empowered and proactive before.....I could have save myself the mental knockout and the beating my body is taking for added weight gain.
June 2012 I decided "no more." When I was told the band was the problem I also realized I was the problem for not believing in me. For not even thinking the Band was defective.....it was easier for me to think I was defective. Enough.
Since that time, I have been proactive with getting my insurance to approve having the Band removed and getting Sleeved. I did not take a back seat and wait for things to happen, I played what I believed to be a significant part in making it happen.
I called the provider and insurance company constantly to make sure my name was in their "head." I wrote a letter to the insurance company, had it notarized and all so they heard my story regarding my failed LapBand. I told myself if I got denied for Sleeve it would not be without me doing all I felt I could do. It may not played a part in their decision making but it played a huge part in believing in me piloting my aircraft.
Enough insecurity. I wasted so much time and what I realize is that I don't have that kind of time to lose anymore. I'm calling myself out.
This website has become a part of my voice. I did not use support systems. I tried to figure it all out myself. I mean, I am successful taking care of my family. I am successful being a good friend. I am successful following through on the clients I serve at my social services job. Yet I fail me. It seems like I should have seen this but when you are immersed into yourself, you cannot see yourself or maybe I refused to look. Whatever the case, I am moving forward. I believe. I am empowered. I am motivated. I will be intentional about my acts. I will achieve weightloss.
I see it now because as excited as I am about my surgery in August, I am taking necessary steps now. I am watchful of what I eat. I am reaching out to people on this site instead of be a voyeur of this site. I need this site. I am thankful for it. I read the stories of where I am, where I was and where I am trying to go.......it all energizes me.
Anyone reading this who is doubtful.......believe. If you never believed in anything....if no one believes in you.....take all of that and believe this time. Believe you have a right to happiness. You have a right to be heard, to be seen to be acknowledged by all those who made you invisible including if you did it to yourself.
I will say this always. I've seen beautiful, fashionable and confident heavyweight women. Women who are comfortable in their own skin. I don't believe the world needs to be skinny. I do believe we should love ourselves and if we don't, we should do what we need to do to bring about change. This is my change and my newfound belief in me.
I've read many blogs, entries on the site and really my story is yours. I wondered what was I going to write when it seem like repetitious in nature. Hmmmm, I thought, I alway stay silent because I think my voice is unworthy of being heard. I said to myself, I will write whatever I want. I never utilize support systems. I've always figured it out myself and held my own. It is part of the reason I have failed at weight loss. I literally have carried the weight of "my world" on my shoulders, thighs, stomach, jaw and everywhere. I told myself it is time to do something different. Writing this blog is my public voice through written words. I am always behind the scenes. I take pictures.....................of other people, as I stand behind the camera. I am in meetings, listening, silencing my voice. Anyway, a friend told me I should do a video diary of my weight loss. I was like, he must be crazy. Then I thought, I have to do the opposite.
I started videotaping me yesterday. I was like "UGH" I look horrible. I was like, is this what people see when they see me? It is a reality check. I sucked it up and kept videotaping. It became a necessity as I will channel my discontentment into losing this weight when I get Sleeved. Let me tell you a little about me.
First of all, 10 years ago I lost 100 pounds on my own. I worked out, juiced, made smoothies and ate pretty healthy. Four years later I was diagnosed with rectal cancer. I had major surgery,radiation treatment and then chemotherapy. Sometime after I finished my treatment I became depressed. My body was so different. I had problems I never had before....I still do. I gained weight. Eventually I had LapBand surgery. It helped me lose some weight but then it stopped working. I thought the problem was me. I changed health providers only to have same issue. I gained more weight. Well, in June 2012, fed up I went to surgeon's office to give LapBand another try. What I found out is that my band had a leak....it was defective. All the time I thought it was me and it was the darn band. So, I like many, went through the process of trying to get approved to have it removed. Last week I got approval to have band removed and to be sleeved.
It is a month away and it cannot come soon enough. I have an 8 day cruise in between now and the surgery and I swear I don't want to go on cruise. I want to reschedule my surgery to earlier and use my vacation to recover. I am trying to be patient but I feel like I will finally get a turn to have weight loss. It has been hard to lose weight with depression, body aches and challenges I cannot bring myself to put on paper at this point as a result of bowel resection surgery.
I feel I let myself go and this surgery offers me an opportunity to get my life back. I've always wanted to be fit, active and eating right but when your mind becomes your own enemy, the simpliest thing becomes most challenging. Everyday people don't get it. I used to try to help them understand but I've concluded most want to believe what they want to believe so I leave them right there in their ignorance.
Another thing that pushes me to "do something" is I have moved up in my professional career. I write that still not believing I got a job like I do. I have a position that thrushes me into the spotlight of my employer. Everyone will know who I am and have to deal with me at some point at my employer. I do public speaking and it is forcing me out of my comfort zone. It is also allowing people to see me as I saw myself in that video....UGH. I am better than this.
I've said many times that fat is not necessarily ugly. It is ugly when you don't wear it well, when you are not confident in your own skin, when you don't "rock" your fat.......................I am none of that.
This blog begins my journey of getting to a new me. I know I will never be who I was, I don't want to be who I am but I want to be someone who is comfortable in her soon to be new skin. I've been through a lot (most I have self minimized) but I know good things are to come because I can confidently say I deserve it. My first ever blog..............................the journey begins.....my voice shall be heard.