I've read many blogs, entries on the site and really my story is yours. I wondered what was I going to write when it seem like repetitious in nature. Hmmmm, I thought, I alway stay silent because I think my voice is unworthy of being heard. I said to myself, I will write whatever I want. I never utilize support systems. I've always figured it out myself and held my own. It is part of the reason I have failed at weight loss. I literally have carried the weight of "my world" on my shoulders, thighs, stomach, jaw and everywhere. I told myself it is time to do something different. Writing this blog is my public voice through written words. I am always behind the scenes. I take pictures.....................of other people, as I stand behind the camera. I am in meetings, listening, silencing my voice. Anyway, a friend told me I should do a video diary of my weight loss. I was like, he must be crazy. Then I thought, I have to do the opposite.
I started videotaping me yesterday. I was like "UGH" I look horrible. I was like, is this what people see when they see me? It is a reality check. I sucked it up and kept videotaping. It became a necessity as I will channel my discontentment into losing this weight when I get Sleeved. Let me tell you a little about me.
First of all, 10 years ago I lost 100 pounds on my own. I worked out, juiced, made smoothies and ate pretty healthy. Four years later I was diagnosed with rectal cancer. I had major surgery,radiation treatment and then chemotherapy. Sometime after I finished my treatment I became depressed. My body was so different. I had problems I never had before....I still do. I gained weight. Eventually I had LapBand surgery. It helped me lose some weight but then it stopped working. I thought the problem was me. I changed health providers only to have same issue. I gained more weight. Well, in June 2012, fed up I went to surgeon's office to give LapBand another try. What I found out is that my band had a leak....it was defective. All the time I thought it was me and it was the darn band. So, I like many, went through the process of trying to get approved to have it removed. Last week I got approval to have band removed and to be sleeved.
It is a month away and it cannot come soon enough. I have an 8 day cruise in between now and the surgery and I swear I don't want to go on cruise. I want to reschedule my surgery to earlier and use my vacation to recover. I am trying to be patient but I feel like I will finally get a turn to have weight loss. It has been hard to lose weight with depression, body aches and challenges I cannot bring myself to put on paper at this point as a result of bowel resection surgery.
I feel I let myself go and this surgery offers me an opportunity to get my life back. I've always wanted to be fit, active and eating right but when your mind becomes your own enemy, the simpliest thing becomes most challenging. Everyday people don't get it. I used to try to help them understand but I've concluded most want to believe what they want to believe so I leave them right there in their ignorance.
Another thing that pushes me to "do something" is I have moved up in my professional career. I write that still not believing I got a job like I do. I have a position that thrushes me into the spotlight of my employer. Everyone will know who I am and have to deal with me at some point at my employer. I do public speaking and it is forcing me out of my comfort zone. It is also allowing people to see me as I saw myself in that video....UGH. I am better than this.
I've said many times that fat is not necessarily ugly. It is ugly when you don't wear it well, when you are not confident in your own skin, when you don't "rock" your fat.......................I am none of that.
This blog begins my journey of getting to a new me. I know I will never be who I was, I don't want to be who I am but I want to be someone who is comfortable in her soon to be new skin. I've been through a lot (most I have self minimized) but I know good things are to come because I can confidently say I deserve it. My first ever blog..............................the journey begins.....my voice shall be heard.