Ireally have no place else to talk. I really don't want to talk to my family. I have tried half way to tell them but they are so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't hear. This past year has been hard. I have not had any kind of follow up or fill since June of 2012. First of 2012 my husband was sure he was gonna die. He had two huge abdominal hernias and was convinced that either they or the surgery to repair them would kill him. He did not want me out of his sight. I did not leave the house much because he wanted to know where I was in case he needed me. He would go to the shooting range once or twice with a friend but he wanted me close to the phone if he called. Talked him into the surgery the end of May. It went great. He was up and walking the same day and home the next. Except for him being an ass because of nicotine withdrawal it was a good thing. By August he was feeling really well. The thing is he had gotten so used to be being always available, he continued to want to know my every move. In the mean time, my lack of interaction with people, I believe has increased my depression. I am not very active. I know the band is restricting how much I eat, but I am not doing well with what I eat. Add to the fact that this past year I have been plagued with breaking teeth and abcesses to the point that I have lost all my upper jaw teeth. I just got my upper partial about 2 weeks ago. After being several months with our chewing ability, I am having to learn to eat food that I can chew instead of slider foods. Then husband had a bad fall that almost killed him. I felt bad for him at first. He had both wrist injured and one knee but the worst was he had a facial fracture and a brain bleed. He almost had to have surgery to stop the brain bleed but it stoped with medical treatment. He was in the hospital for 4 days. Again he became quite an ass with out his cigarettes. He also has a problem with urinary frequency and he can' t pee into a urinal. He had several "accidents" if you know what I mean and he was very hard to handle in the hospital. That was just before Thanksgiving. My son, his wife and the two kids age 5 and 7 were at the house for several days right after I brought him home. I love my granddaughters but they can destroy a house in very short order and I am afraid to rant about it for fear of getting on my DIL's bad side. Long history there. Huband's behavior has been even more difficulty since the fall. Or maybe I.m just becoming more......I don't know what I'm becoming. I think he is more rude than ever. He thinks nothing of interrupting what I'm doing but gets upset if I interrupt him. If I go out like to the grocery without him he has to call and check up on me a couple of times while I'm gone. I find myself wishing that he didn't make it after the fall. I sometimes wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I think about what I could do if he wasn't here. I confess that I have taken a large amount of benadryl as well as my usual bed time medication in hoe I wouldn't wake up. But as you can see it didn't work. Sometimes I feel really angry and others I feel like crying, a lot. I don't because I know husband would ask too many questions. Nobady call me any more except occasionally someone from the church, and tha't only because they want something. I know I need to go in for a fill/followup but everytime I pick up the phone to make appointment I chicken out. I'm lonesome. All I do is sit. And the more I sit the more I hurt when I finally do get up and move. My knees kill me. I have trouble breathing. I sweat like a ***** in church. My back kills me. I used to have pain medication (Lortab), but my husband took it all because he was saving his Percocet for his "bad" days ( has Fibromyalgia and Diabetic neuropathy). I would run away but I have no income. I have my social security but that is not enough to pay health insurance and living expenses. I would also feel guilty that someone else would have to contend with husband. I resent everything around here. I hate to cook. All he wants is meat and potatoes. He feels he must eat three to four times a day and feels that I need to eat with him, at least twice a day. Oh god! I am rambling so. Maybe saying it here will help me. Maybe tomorrow I wil wake up and it will be a little better. I didn't even talk about son losing his job in September and us giving him money to hel with his bills. Or daughter being "in love" and going to sell her house and move across the state to move in with him. At least son found a job, but they must move to another state. so they are going to be 8 hours away instead of 3 1/2. Like I said, maybe tomorrow will be better.
Have not made an entry in this blog in quite some time. Quite frankly I have not wanted to admit what a failure I am. As I sit here making chocolate chip cookes for hubby and me, it is really hypocracy that I am whining about my life and my size. Where to begin. As if I really think anyone will ever really read this and really care about what I say. I stay in a depressed mood. I am having a hard time finding joy in anything. I just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. To add to that tne "Holidays" are coming up. It would be nice if I could go hide until January 2. That way I would not have to deal with Thanksgiving and Christmas along with the Doomsday people that are starting up. They are almost as bad as the Y2K activists.Just saw a picture of two people on Facebook that I used to call my friends at a football game and feel like crying cause they have not called me in so long ago that I can't remember when. I got tired of calling them and decided to wait for them to call me. Guess I got the message. I gave up going to Curves. Decided I really couldn't afford the $44 per month. Son lost his job a coulple of months ago and we gave them money last month. Am forever giving daughter money. I love them but I really don't know how long hubby and I can keep this up. Talked to sister yesterday. She is in China. You would think that would cheer me up but all it did was make me angry and more depressed. She always asks how thing are but I know she really doesn't want to know anything is wrong. What can she do about it half a world away. So I don't tell her about my hair falling out or how my teeth keep breaking and having to be pulled out. Or that right now I have no upper jaw teeth and I am eating nothing but soft to liquid foods and are not low in calorie so I am gaining weight. That my back, legs, knees, and feet hurt so bad when I walk the I don't walk anymore than I have to. Not to mention how short of breath I get when I walk. I sound like a damn train engine when I walk and I feel like I look like a person with CP. I do not feel any restiction with my band but I still break up any pills I take because I fear them getting stuck and puking is not fun. What would people say if they knew that I pray all the time for the Rapture to come and take me away so I won't have to continue to live like this. I have tried to take a few extra pills at night just to see if I can go to sleep and not wake up but apparently I not taken enough since I am still here. Maybe I really don't want to do that so I just have not taken enough. Sounds kinda scary when I admit it here.Oh sure. Somebody out there is saying why don't you go see somebody? Money for one. Nosey hubby is the second. I know he would pester me about what I say to the doctor. And talk to my minister? I feel that would be just as bad. I would not want to say anything to him that would put my family in any bad light. So here I sit. My day consist of getting out of bed late every morning, coming down stairs, and sitting in my chair in the kitchen watching TV, surfing on the computer, cooking for hubby sometimes, eating something, then taking an afternoon nap, only to get up after a couple of hours and doing the samething all over again until it's time to take bed time meds, go to bed and then start things all over again. I'm only 62 but I feel like an old,fat, lonely, forgotten creature who is just waiting for her time to end.
Well, happy Leap Day everybody. I thought I would feel better today, but I don't really. Daughter called and so much as said it is all my fault that her cellphone bill was $20 higher than she thought it would be and that don't expect her to be calling that much any more unless it was to my cellphone. It is not me who calls. It's her dad. And all she has to do is quickly remind him to call on his cellphone. Besides he already gave her a tank of gas and $200 extra this month. It's always something with her. Next thing on my list is hubby. He drives me insane. I just want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. I have written before about his health issues and his spending. A couple of months ago he bought a small aluminum fishing boat for $2500. I thought, "Oh,great! Something else that will sit in the garage unused." When I saw it I was mad. It looks like shyt and I told him he got took. "Oh, no." he says. "I got a good deal. It's perfect. It already has a trolling motor and that's all it needs." Well guess what? That perfect boat just had to have a small outboard and we just had to drive 2 hours up and two hours back to buy one. $2000 later he has a new motor for a fishing boat that hasn't been out of the garage in 2 months. Then to top it off, a buyer for the Ranger bassboat appeared. Hubby has talked about how, since it has not been in the water in almost a year and the fact that he can't handle it alone, it would be a good idea to sell it and use that montly payment to payoff credit cards. Well, he sold it but we had to come up with another $2000 to pay it off. This is not leaving much in savings. On top of that, the very same day he sells the boat, his buddy from the boat sales place calls him with "a great deal that just came in". Hubby gets all excited and tells me he just may have to go see it cause it would only be about $10,500 and we could get the money from our home equity line and not even have an increase in our payment. Of course, we don't even owe the equity line anything and it was opened just for the care of the house. I feel cheated. There are so many things I would like to have and they do not include a boat. I find myself wishing he would just go away. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I only have here to vent because no one here really knows me. I find that I don't really care about my diet or my eating. My band raises it head every once in a while and lets me know it's still there, but I am not using it as a tool like I'm supposed to. Started back to Curves yesterday and am going to try to go there at least three times a week. Got some extreme baking to do next week and the week after so at least I will have an actvity to occupy my thoughts. All for now.
Well here I am. Another Saturday night and I haven't even gotten dressed today. Not sick, just lazy. Couldn't figure out a reason to bother getting dressed. Have not made an entry in a month. Not much has happened except I did get to see my sister for the first time in about 3 years and I know it may be at least that long before I see her again. She lives in China, you see. Doing what I'm not quite sure, but she seems happy. The way my life goes, who knows if I will ever see her again. Also stayed at son's house for the first time in 4 years and the visit went well. DIL got a little snockered, but at least everything was cool. Hubby is the same. Still complaining about his hernias, but even more so. I still hear it so often, I find myself tuning him out. I know the time is nearing when he will have to give in and have the surgery. I dread that day. He is a pain when he is sick and I know that the surgery is going to be difficult. So the recovery is going to be long and difficult, Double difficult cause he is such a drama king. And he has not given up the cigarettes, so I know that will be a problem. As long as he remembers that I have committed to doing two wedding cakes in March. As far as the diet goes, I have not been good. I have been cheating with M&M's. A lot of M&M's. They are like an addiction. Like crack. I'm sneaking around eating them so hubby won't find out. I sneak bags in in my purse to refill the bag on the shelf so he won't know. Have not been good at my Curves attendance either. Am having a hard time getting motivated to even leave the house. Gotta get my mind back in order. I know that my going to Curves not only makes me exercise, it gets me away from him for a while. That should be enough motivation right there. Well, that's enough for now. Will update later.
Happy New Year (she says sarcastically). What can I say. Weighed in at Curves yesterday and had actually gained a pound since last weigh in. And instead of losing some inches, I actually had gained some inches. WTF!!!! I know I didn't go work out during the week between Christmas and New Year's, and that I had cheated. But I didn't think it was that bad. Hubby is getting on my nerves and that makes me turn to food, mainly M&M's and Cheetoes. His complaints about his health are getting to me. All last week he said he could barely walk. The grandchildren were here for New Year's and he stayed in his den/smoking room 90% of the time. Then the very day they went home he took his truck, picked up his fishing buddy and stayed gone for 3 hours, buying a battery for the truck and getting it washed. Tuesday I got him to go see a Chiropractor for his "back pain". Now after three visits he is sure that the adjustments have caused him to bleed internally and made his hernias worse. He is even telling me what his stools look like. I get so tired of listening to his complaints. I never know when to take it as serious signs or to just ignore him. Am going to daughter's house Sunday for a couple of days, to baby sit the grand dog. Will be back Tuesday. He's not going. The break will do me good even though I know I will have to check in with him several times a day. Started Curves Smart today. Having the machines make me give it my all will make me do better, I hope. If that is so, then maybe I'll pay some more and do the Curves Complete and try their diet plan. Mainly I just want to get out of this "funk" I am in am get on with my life, instead of feeling like I want to cry and sneak food.
Don't know what's going on with my band. Went to supper with hubby this past Saturday night and ate very well. I finished all my meat and most of the onion rings and a small salad. Had no problems. Was thinking that I wished that my practioner had put in more fluid like I asked her to at my last fill. Went to Longhorn's with hubby tonight. Had 3 mushrooms, 3 bites of salad, 1/2 of a small lobster tail, and about 1/3 of a small filet and the rumble started. It felt like a volcano about to erupt. Made it out to the parking lot and had to puke a little. All I sould think of was "well,what a waste of an expensive meal". In all fairness, the meat was a little dry and this is the second time lobster has given me trouble. Shame too. I have had a love affair with lobster for a long time. Guess those day are over. Only trouble now is that it has only been 3 hours and I'm hungry again. Do I want to eat or have a protien shake or just try to weather it out. The more I think about it the more I want that sweet potatoe I brought home from the restaurant. It has been 6 months. I keep thinking it will get easiet but it hasn't. Do I need to get more in my band,or is that just going to make me get stuck more. I wish I had a magic wand and could just be skinny and be able to eat anything I want.
Been an interesting evening. I went to the Center today and had my 5th fill. The below 300 thing did not stay. I hadn't gained any but I haven't lost any either. So now I have 8.6cc in my 14cc band. I wanted her to go to 9cc but we compromised . I was so hungry when I came home that I ate some chicken instead of doing just liquids. Went down OK. No problems. Been drinking lots of fluids all afternoon. Even went to work out at Curves. No problem. Then I fixed supper. I fixed pork chops in the oven with a little gravy. Had some leftover cole slaw and a bite of hubby's dressing and gravy. BIG PROBLEM! Started with this funny feeling in my chest, kinda like a spasm. Didn't hurt or anything. As time went on it began to hurt.Then the slime began. Then the puke, very spontaneous. I thought I was just going to cough but it just spewed out. This is something I will remember and don't want to do again. I guess this means I won't be eating pork chops again, at least any time soon. Scared hubby, but he handled it like a trooper. Now I'm drinking some hot tea and all things are back to normal. I hope this is not a sign of things to come.Surprising what .4cc addition can do.
I need a shirt that says "I survived Thanksgiving with my family." It has been a true experience in all ways. Food wise it has been challenging. I did well with Thanksgiving itself. A little ham, a little turkey, a bite of dressing, a serving of green beans. My downfall was the Watergate salad ( pistaschio pudding, pineapple, Cool whip, Marshmellows). But I made it with sugar-free pudding and fat-free cool Whip so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Ate some Rotel Cheese dip and chips on Saturday, Game Day, and then some Lobster Bisque that DIL made. Both tasted wonderful but the gas and indigestion was horrible for hours afterward. Daughter and DIL announced that the Bisque would be on the Christmas Eve menu. Gonna have to think of some way to get out of eating them gracefully when the time comes. Put some turkey and ham in the freezer for meals later. Gonna make some turkey salad ( turkey, boiled eggs, sweet pickles and a little mayo) to snack on the next few days. Figure it is full of protein so it will help with any hunger. Gonna have eggs and ham in a little while for dinner with hubby. Kids are gone and house is quiet and all I can think about is food. I am craving all kinds of things. Tried to take a nap and all I could think about is what I had that I could eat. Wanted to go to Waffle House and eat greasy hashbrowns and a ham/cheese omelet, but hubby won't go out. I have got to clean the kitchen...again. And pick up the rest of the toys the girls left out. Daughter and DIL put up my Christmas tree. Glad they did cause it really looks nice, but if they hadn't, I wouldn't have put it up. They also got a couple of Santas out so the girls could play with them. The 4 foot one that you can sing along with was a real hit, but I quickly unplugged him as soon as I could. Got the TV in the den working properly after the 4 yo screwed it up by messing with the remote. I know the 4 yo did it cause the 5 1/2 yo delighted in telling everytime the 4 yo did something wrong. She was very quick to say "Rachel did it". And the dogs? Well daughter's dog had a diet of paper, crayons, MM's and turkey, much to her dismay. Everytime I turned around he was trying to eat something the girls left out. Made the dog sick one night. My dog? Well after a $130 trip to the vet and a little doggie valium, let's just say that she is glad to have a little quiet. A least our together time will not be as long at Christmas, but I'll be sure and take her pills with me all the same. Gonna close for now and go feed hubby. Will write more later.
Ssssshhhhhhh! Don't tell anyon cause it's not official yet, but I have entered Twoterville. Stepped on the scales last night and it read 298. If it still says that when I go to Center on Tuesday I will believe it. Yeah me, I hope.
Not been a good week. Had a good time with daughter last weekend when we went to out of town wedding together. I looked forward to getting back home and returning to Curves workout. But I only went Monday and Tuesday. I have a darn toothache and have turned to pain medication to control it until I see dentist on Monday. Did make it to WalMart yesterday to start grocery buying for the holiday. I walked instead of using the old fart cart. You would have thought I went to the gym the way I was sweating when I got through. Daughter came home today and already she has gotten on my nerve. She made a comment about my computer use, playing games and just surfing, and how I make the computer slower. Blah, blah, blah. Gonna be a long week. Still have to go to store and buy food for Thanksgiving meal. Too many different diets to think about. Hubby wants all the traditional foods: turkey, dressing, Watergate salad, cranapple crunch, sweet potatoes. Daughter wants all low-cal. low-carb, no-additives foods. Son and DIL want ham, green beens. Granddaughters want chicken fingers and Kraft mac and cheese. To top it off, the Iron bowl is next weekend and hubby wants all the usual "football" foods to have during the game. You know, chips and dip, nachos, salsa, sandwiches. Me? I just want my tooth to quit hurting and to make it through this week with as little drama as possible. I am gonna try as hard as possible to stay true to my diet. I hope everybody will have a good Thanksgiving. Ya'll just pray mine is going to be better than this last week.
I'd like to start out this entry with a positive note. the only positive one I can come up withis that I have been going to Curves everyday except Sunday and have been working it really hard, actually working the machines longer than they normally do. I really love going there. I makes me get out. I also went shopping Monday and was able to buy a pantsuit. It was still in a giant size, but it was in two sizes smaller than the last time I bought clothes. Now the negative. I went to Wal-mart yesterday and the Chocolate covered cherries and the mashmellow Santas called to me. I brought a box of cherries and 4 Santas home and hid them from my hubby. I am ashamed to say that I have eaten them all in a 24 hr period. I have absolutely no will power. I also ate a couple of pieces of Mounds candy. I am just going to have to physically stay away from things like that. Hubby and I leave in the morning for daughter's house then daughter and I leave Thursday for a wedding. I figure she will keep me a little more honest since she is on a pretty strict diet herself. All the kids will be here for Thanksgiving and that is going to be hard I know. Hubby is expecting all the trimmings. Pray I can be good.
I have now been banded 5 months. My weight is not is not down where I thought it would be by now, but I have not been entirely honest with my eating. I have cheated with ice cream and chocolate. But I am doing better. This last fill has been really good. I am eating less. And I have been doing my Curves workout daily so I think things are going to start changing. I hope it is. Took hubby to see surgeon today. It went just as I thought it would. He said that hubby's hernias have a slim to no chance of strangulation and that at this point surgical repair is totally elective. He also said that, while it is better to repair them when there is no emergency, there is no big rush to do so. Hubby has acted like he has been on death's door for weeks. Now he is calling everyone and telling them that it's a miracle and he doesn't have to have surgery, at least until after the holidays. Miracle, no. Prayer answered, yes. Mine. I wanted to go with my daughter out of town and now I can. I also wanted to go to son's house Christmas morning to see grandbabies ( they live out of town too) and now I can. He's going to moan and complain, but that is nothing new. I'm sure he will find something else to be obscess about. And I'm sure he will go on telling me about his poops: how many and their quality. At least maybe I'll make it through the holidays with out any new drama/trauma. I don't think I could handle another sad memory at Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Yesterday I had my annual physical. My weight was down from last year but not but one pound from last fill. Not the fill's fault though. Have not been very good. Discovered that graham crackers go right down. So on the way home I went to Curves and joined. I paid my money and was shown how to do the circuit. This morning I went for my first session. Made it through the first circuit and thought that I couldn't do anymore. But I was determined to finish so I went around for my second circuit. For some it seemed like an easy workout. But for a fat old lady like me, at this time I thought it was hard. My back and my knees hurt. I did work up a sweat, so that was good. My goal is to go everyday, about noon. that way I'll be back in time for my soap opera (ha-ha). Hubby was surprised that I joined. He did not remember that we had discussed it about a month ago. I am thinking about going to the Rec Center and checking into swimming too. Have to get my courage up. Hubby goes to see surgeon Nov 3 for consultation on his hernias. I will go with him so that I can personally hear what he has to say. Hubby is not hearing things correctly and forgetting things easily so I need to get it straight. At least he is not against the cost of Curves. Of course the Almond Joy minis I ate this afternoon kinda undid what good I did at the gym. I am sooooo bad!
I need someone to talk to, to explain things to, to whine to. There are situations in my life that I can't change. I have to deal with them. But I need to vent them instead of eating my way around them. I just want someone to talk to that maybe knows what I'm talking about.
This last fill has really made a difference. I go longer before I start to feel hunger and I am satified much quicker. I find I don't want to snack as much too. This is a very good thing. I just wish the scale would start to show some loss. I come here to write this for a number of reasons. It helps me to actually say that I am doing better. It helps to get feedback from others. I still seldom leave the house. I feel alone most of the time.even though hubby is always here. I spend my time listening to his complaints, making him food and making sure he takes his medication. He tries to be supportive. He really does. He is just so wrapped up in his own issues that he can see anything else. Most of the time I eat alone, or at least feel like I do. I think I must be grinding my teeth in my sleep because not only is the tooth with the new root canal still throbbing, but both my upper and lower teeth are starting to ache during the day. Every time I think things are going to start getting better, one more thing starts to bother me. Come on Lord. Give me a break .
Had my fourth fill yesterday. Am now at 8.2cc's in a 14 cc band. For the first time I feel like this is going to work. Of course I'm sure yesterday doesn't count. I also had a root canal done yesterday afternoon so staying on liquids was not a problem. And I still cheated. I made 250 cupcakes for church and I could not resist eating some of the batter as I went along. I have no self-restraint. Also my fasting BS was 116 this am. I did not take any Metformin yesterday but did this am. Was not hungry when I got up but I ate a little cottage cheese whith morning meds. BP was also up a little yesterday but that was probably because my weight was up 2 lbs at weigh in. Woke up this morning with new resolve. I am bound and determined to reach the 200's this month even if it's just 299. I have got to start doing better and I think this fill will do it. I've got to be getting close to my sweet spot.
OK. So it has been 4 months since I was banded. I have been eating less and less. I weighed yesterday and my scale has not budged. Got so frustrated. I said screw it and made some pralines. Of course, hubby doesn't know that. I have hidden them and are secretly eating them without him knowing. Like a junkie or alcoholic hiding their drinking. Thing is, I know it's wrong but I do it anyway. No one one is forcing me to do it. I think to myself Just one more. Like a drug. I feel alone. Even with hubby in the house. And now he is admitting he needs to have surgery to repair a huge problem he has. I think I dread it more than he does and that is saying a lot. I remember how he was so many years ago with his other surgery. He does not handle pain well. It also doesn't help that he is a smoker. He is not pretty when he is in withdrawal. I feel guilty because I just want to run and hide. It's not like this condition arose overnight. I had some plans to go on a little trip with my daughter in a month, but he told me I may have to not go so I can take care of him. I figure if he has put it off for this long, he can put it off a little longer. Then I get to feeling guilty for thinking that way. Then I look for something to eat. Lord help me.
Well, I guess you could say I'm no longer a "stuck" virgin. It happened last night. I don't know if I ate too much, too fast, or what, but it was not fun. Had I not read posts from others, I might have thought I was having a heart attack. I had pain that was traveling under my collarbone and up the left side of my neck. I remembered how everyone says drink something hot and I got some hot tea. Once I was able to start sipping on that and start burping, I got better. I will remember that feeling and try not to let it happen again. It is not something I want to experience again. I know that it can and probably will, but I hope not. I also am a little down hearted. Just found out that my brother, who had lapband surgery one week before me, has lost about 100 pounds. Here I am at 45 and holding. I guess I must cheat more than I thought. But I really thought I was doing well the past couple of weeks. SIL told me he walks 4 miles each morning and 4 miles each evening. I do good to walk 1-1 1/2 miles per day. I have got to get on the ball. I have got to get motivated and get my ass in gear. It just hurts so that I am having a hard time with it. I know. Excuses! Excuses! Excuses! I have got to get going though.
Weighed in today. Said I had lost 2 lbs this past month. Big deal! If the truth be known, it was probably the diuretic I took yesterday and today that gave me that. I have not been good with my diet. I have not been eating ice cream and cookies, but I have enjoyed those cheese puffs. Doctor put in 1.5cc to make a total of 7.2 cc in a 14cc band. that's starting to get on up there. I am resolved to getting back into this game. I am really gonna try to make this thing work for me this month. Port site a little sensitive this evening but I have noticed it always is after a fill. Maybe my new thing should be to walk on the treadmill during Soaps instead of laying down with the dog. Gonna do something different. Got to.
I'm not doing well with this. I have not lost any since my second fill on the 3rd. I find myself sneaking food so my hubby won't see. I am so full sometime it hurts and yet I still seek something to eat. I am such an addict. I am so ashamed. I am reverting back to old habits of sleeping a lot and not leaving the house for days. The girls were here this weekend and I did not eat right or drink right. Why can't I do the things I am supposed to do? Have tried to get support on the chat line, but I can't bring myself to tell what I have been doing or how I feel. How do I tell someone I feel like such a failure. I do have more energy, but I choose to ignore it. I don't want to leave the house for two reasons: 1) I really don't want anyone to see me and 2) I don't want to explain where I'm going to hubby. He is still somewhat supportive but he is also getting critical. And with his size and health problems, that is like the pot calling the kettle black. His short term memory is getting worse and I have to remind him of things constantly. I thought my depression was getting better,but apparently it's not. I would say that I don't know what to do but I do. I need to suck it up and get my mind back in order. But that is easier said than done. If anyone has suggesti9ons< I'm open.
Had my second fill on Wednesday. Now have 5.5cc in 14 cc band. doc this will be the last time I get a 2cc fill at one time. I feel more restriction this time. Bad part is the burping has gone back to being terrible. Yesterday was hubby's birthday and we went out to eat. I ate 4 small bites of salad and 10 shrimp. Brought the potaote and Hush puppies home, along with 3 shrimp. I have to admit that I was bad tonight. I ate the shrimp and the potatoe with my piece of steak. I gave the hush puppies to hubby.
I was starving. I had breakfast (7 chicken nuggets) at 11 am and only some peanuts until we ate supper at 7:15pm. I think I should start eating something about every 5 hrs and see if that keeps the starving feeling from happening. I have nothing in the house to "graze" on and that's a good thing. If it's not here, I can't eat it. I have to go to the grocery tomorrow and get more chicken. Gonna have to keep myself in check and stay out of the snack aisles. Lord give me strength.
Why am Iso obcessed with food? I think that I wake up thinking about when I can eat and what I can eat. While I'm eating I think about when I can eat again and what I can have. Inbetween, I'm thinking about what to drink and how much I have left to drink for the day. It has been two months since I was banded.You would think it would be better by now. I get a second fill tomorrow and I know I am going to be chastized for not doing better .My clothes fit better and I seem to have more energy, but I am just so obcessed with food. Motivation seems to be a problem too. And the more my family talks about my "diet", the less control I seem to have. What is the matter withme? Am I ever going to get myself in check? I feel like a whiney brat writing this.
I am home now. Got home yesterday and the house is still standing. I stepped on my scales and I have gained 3 lbs. I thought I had done better than that. I figured I had at least maintained at her house. Weigh in Wednesday is not gonna be good. It was really depressing for me to see the scale. I found myself searching for something to eat. I found the bag of cheese puff and kinda pigged out on them. Afterward the guilt set in. What a vicious circle this is. Will I ever defeat it. Right now I don't feel confidant. all I can do is try again.
Today has been a good day. not only did I beat my daughter in Scrabble twice ( as well as the two times last night and the three times night before last), I went to the movies and did not a tub of buttered popcorn and large soda. I snuck a bottle of water in and just had part of that. It worked out well. Then we spent 2 hours in a traffic jam trying to get home. We finally got to Full Moon BarBQue and I got the half chicken. That gives me chicken for tonight and for breakfast in the morning. I did cheat though. I had fried onion rings too and I ate 2/3 of them. I also had some ice cream last night. I am doing better but not good enough. And I know it. Food addicts. It is hard.
Am at daughter's house today. Her surgery went well and she is doing much, much better than I thought she would be. That is a very good thing. I feel I have been a help.I plan to stay until Friday or Saturday, if hubby doen't self-destruct before then. I made what my daughter calls Paleo jambolya last night, with her help of course. Didn't care for the sausage part but really liked the chicken, shrimp, and broth part. It was served over califlower "rice" that was actually very good. Don't think hubby would like the "rice" but may try the jambolya on him. I'm afraid I'm a little bored here. It's not my house so I'm trying to not step on her toes and do something to make her uncomfortable. Am getting more exercise here cause I have to actually walk her dog and i can't sit any when i cook . That is a real challenge because it hurts so much. My knees and my back kill me. But she needs me and I want to be here, so I am going to do it. Have to call hubby 4-5 times a day. He whines a lot but he is doing ok. I don't know what the big deal is. You would think he had never been alone. He calls and tells me what he ate and I tell him how much medication to take.have to admit house stays cleaner when he is not here, too.I don't think I'm eating too much here. I don't think I'm eating exactly right. but not too bad either. Guess time will tell. Go for second fill next Wednesday. I hope that will help with my hunger.. Will write more later.