Have not made an entry in this blog in quite some time. Quite frankly I have not wanted to admit what a failure I am. As I sit here making chocolate chip cookes for hubby and me, it is really hypocracy that I am whining about my life and my size. Where to begin. As if I really think anyone will ever really read this and really care about what I say. I stay in a depressed mood. I am having a hard time finding joy in anything. I just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. To add to that tne "Holidays" are coming up. It would be nice if I could go hide until January 2. That way I would not have to deal with Thanksgiving and Christmas along with the Doomsday people that are starting up. They are almost as bad as the Y2K activists.Just saw a picture of two people on Facebook that I used to call my friends at a football game and feel like crying cause they have not called me in so long ago that I can't remember when. I got tired of calling them and decided to wait for them to call me. Guess I got the message. I gave up going to Curves. Decided I really couldn't afford the $44 per month. Son lost his job a coulple of months ago and we gave them money last month. Am forever giving daughter money. I love them but I really don't know how long hubby and I can keep this up. Talked to sister yesterday. She is in China. You would think that would cheer me up but all it did was make me angry and more depressed. She always asks how thing are but I know she really doesn't want to know anything is wrong. What can she do about it half a world away. So I don't tell her about my hair falling out or how my teeth keep breaking and having to be pulled out. Or that right now I have no upper jaw teeth and I am eating nothing but soft to liquid foods and are not low in calorie so I am gaining weight. That my back, legs, knees, and feet hurt so bad when I walk the I don't walk anymore than I have to. Not to mention how short of breath I get when I walk. I sound like a damn train engine when I walk and I feel like I look like a person with CP. I do not feel any restiction with my band but I still break up any pills I take because I fear them getting stuck and puking is not fun. What would people say if they knew that I pray all the time for the Rapture to come and take me away so I won't have to continue to live like this. I have tried to take a few extra pills at night just to see if I can go to sleep and not wake up but apparently I not taken enough since I am still here. Maybe I really don't want to do that so I just have not taken enough. Sounds kinda scary when I admit it here.Oh sure. Somebody out there is saying why don't you go see somebody? Money for one. Nosey hubby is the second. I know he would pester me about what I say to the doctor. And talk to my minister? I feel that would be just as bad. I would not want to say anything to him that would put my family in any bad light. So here I sit. My day consist of getting out of bed late every morning, coming down stairs, and sitting in my chair in the kitchen watching TV, surfing on the computer, cooking for hubby sometimes, eating something, then taking an afternoon nap, only to get up after a couple of hours and doing the samething all over again until it's time to take bed time meds, go to bed and then start things all over again. I'm only 62 but I feel like an old,fat, lonely, forgotten creature who is just waiting for her time to end.