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sbest's Journal

A blog by *JASMINE* in General

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    11

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    12

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    446

About this blog

head demons

Entries in this blog

163lbs

Wow, I was reading my last blog and I guess life isn't too bad. I am still 163lbs. If I could just lose 10lbs, I can start fitting into all my jeans again.   The problem is, I've been smoking weed again. Talk about having multiple addictions. I'm addicted to anything that makes me feel good, without having to do any work at it.   The thing is, I can't even motivate myself to lose 10lbs. Can you believe that? I feel like I have nothing in me.   Since my last post, I got a fill. I

163lbs

I feel a little better today from the last post I did. I don't understand how I could have gained 4lbs in less than a week!!! I can't believe where I am right now. I think I have eaten so much that my band is no longer working. It is so fustrating. I'm gonna try to go on liquids for the next three days to see if I can get my band to start working again. I just hope I don't gain any more weight this week. With Thanksgiving coming up and then Paul's birthday, it's gonna be hard. I'm just t

162lbs

I HATE THE WAY I'M WIRED. I HATE THE WAY I'M WIRED. I HATE THE WAY I'M WIRED.   Sometimes I just want to bang my head against the wall and end what's going on in my head. I hate the voices. The fear of change. The self destruction. The weight gain. I want it all to end. I create my own problems. I hate that I have to relive this over and over again. I have no control over all of this. I hate that I put Paul through this all of the time. He doesn't deserve to be around this. I don'

159lbs

WOW, fastforward 9 months. I am up to 159lbs. That's a 14lb gain in 9 months. That's not good. I refuse to get up to 160lbs. I looked back at my last entry and can't believe I was griping about being 145lbs. I'd be happy to be that weight right now.   But you know what, looking back at my past entries, I realize that I was able to eat a lot even back then. Here I was thinking that I have worked myself up to consuming almost pre-band amounts, but looking back at my other entries, I rea

weight gain

Man, I'm just so discouraged. I am up to 145. I have gained 10 pounds. I feel like such a slug. All of my jeans are fitting extra tight. I went and had a fill about 12 days ago, got down to 141, but now am back up again to square one. I can eat more now too. I was so motivated after my fill, but now I am just stuck. I feel like I'm never gonna get back down to 135.   I know, to most 145 is a wonderful weight to be at. But in my head, it's terrible. I know I should be greatful, but I feel like

7/24/06

well, I'm taking another shot at this journal thing. Maybe it will help me think a little clearer. I am so stressed right now. Maybe if I write down all of my stresses, I can see them for what they really are and figure out how to deal with them. Here they are:   P- I weighed myself and I am up to 139lbs. I haven't seen this number in a long time. The problem is that I haven't really found any restriction lately and I have been drinking more. It's all a domino effect. I am drinking mor

3/8/06

Well, I'm on vacation this week. It seems that I am also on will power vacation, as well. We got the whole school thing situated, I think. We'll worry about it in August. Anyways, I'm trying to get back on track today, but the food demons keep telling me, "come on, you're on vacation, you've already gained 3 pounds, so what? you'll get back on track on Monday. Eat what you want today, you know you're going to anyways." So I am hard at work fighting these thoughts, but it's only 8:00am and

2/28/06

:cry :cry :cry So I am having a bad day, and it's only morning. I ate about 2000 calories last night. It was all o.k. until I saw the news. This would be something small to most folks, but it devistated me.   Nathan is starting school next year, and I have not been able to figure out who's going to pick him up. His day care doesn't pick up from this school and his school has no after-school program, so I was going to request a transfer to a school that they do pick up from. I was going

2/21/06

I did really good yesterday. I didn't drink a thing, and ate about a 1000 calories and think I met my objectives for the day.:clap2: This is what I ate:   breakfast: coffee-20 1/2 soup-110 lunch: 1/2 soup-110 3 crackers-36 1/2 slice bread-18 midday meal: egg sandwich-200 snacks: w/w ice cream-140 pretzels-110 dinner: 1/2 slice triple cheese pie-100 3 parmessian puffs-150

2/20/06

:angry O.K. I was really bad yesterday. Total : 2275 calories I ate:   breakfast: veggies-1 cup-100 brownie-1/2-140 lunch: chicken nuggets-4-215 popcorn-1/2 bag-150 snack: biscuit-1 1/2-360 dinner: doritos-1 bag-400 2 drinks-200 1 shot-100 chocolate-1-190 oreos-1 bag-170 popcorn-1/4 bag-150 snickers-1 mini-100 :angry :angry :angry :faint: :cry :cry :cry

2/19/06

Well, I decided to start this journal to try and keep track of how often my head demons seem to overcome me. Maybe, I can figure out how to ward them off better.   It all started this week, after Valentine's day. My husband bought me a bag of chocolates (which is something I asked for for Valentine's day:confused: ). Since then, I have had no self control. I decided that I needed to go through withdrawal, and then my control would come back. I was doing very well, until last night. Yes

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