2/19/06

Well, I decided to start this journal to try and keep track of how often my head demons seem to overcome me. Maybe, I can figure out how to ward them off better.

It all started this week, after Valentine's day. My husband bought me a bag of chocolates (which is something I asked for for Valentine's day:confused: ).

Since then, I have had no self control. I decided that I needed to go through withdrawal, and then my control would come back. I was doing very well, until last night. Yesterday, I went to my nephew's b-day party and managed to do quite well resisting everything there, such as pizza, nachos, and cake. Then they sent us home with a party favor bag for my son. In it, it had a couple of debbie's brownies (my absolute favorite).

I ate half of one and tried to pig out.

The problem is, that once I decide to pig out, it becomes a very hard task. It's like, I then decide to plan my pig out, but can't seem to get in everything I want. So I go crazy. This is what I ate last night:

gold fish (100)

bbq chips (15)

cracker-1

cottage cheese-2tbs

meatloaf veggies-2tbs

chocolate chip cookies-6minibites

brownie-1/2

I know, that after reviewing all of this, it doesn't look like a lot. I keep reviewing it to see if there is anything I missed because I felt stuffed last night.

This morning, I feel terrible. The problem is that I am an "all or nothing" type of person. Either I have full control, or I have none. I feel so gross and bloated. I also worry about my band and the damage I do to it by not following the rules.

O.K. I think I know what the problem is. The problem is, that I drink too much. I have 2 mixed drinks every night. This takes away all of my self control. I know I have a problem, because I can't go a whole night without drinking. I know I need to stop, or at least decrease, my drinking. I just think I am too analytical, and when I am sober, I tend to think about things too much. I used to be a pothead, and think that this is why. Since being banded, I realized that I had to choose: the band or weed. And I chose the band. I haven't smoked weed in over 3 months. O.K. I was a functional pothead and am a functional alcoholic. I still go to work and do really well all day long, until about 7pm, when it is time to relax. I do use alcohol to relax. I admit it.

Weight-loss wise, I have done really well. I have lost 63 pounds in less than a year. I know that if I didn't have weed or alcohol in my life, I could have lost more. My goal is to be down to 145, or 135, by my one year anniversary.

So once I gave up weed, I knew that sooner or later, I would have to give up alcohol, as well. I think, no I KNOW, that it's time. I just don't know. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to try. I hope I have the strength...