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Blog 53202
 

An open letter to someone I love very much, but who hurts me very much....

First, I must say this: I love my family with all my heart, but a select few are driving me completely insane! It hit me yesterday, that FEELING is not allowed in my family. Voicing your feelings is not tolerated. And I can't live my life like this anymore. I refuse to raise my children that way. Depression is anger turned inward. And if you don't discuss your feelings you stuff them, with food, alcohol, etc. I CANNOT DO THAT ANY LONGER! I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT ANY LONGER! I just end up hurting myself. I chose to have this surgery and change my life for ME! If you love me, then be happy for me and support me. Don't blackmail me emotionally. Don't lay someone else's shit sandwich in my lap. If someone else is depressed or unhappy, that person should DO something about it. It's NOT my fault if someone is upset and too depressed to go to work. Tell THEM to put THIER big girl panties on!! Cuz honey, I've had my big girl panties on for A LONG time. I am dealing with my issues. I am trying to become a better person. I am not crying to my Mommy and blaming others for my unhappiness. I OWN my issues. They are on ME! And don't emotionally blackmail my children when they express their feelings and those feelings upset you. YOU are the adult. Shame on you! SHAME ON YOU! It is only natural for a child to protect his parent. God knows I've tried to protect mine. Even when they probably didn't deserve it. But to not only negate their feelings, and then threaten them emotionally! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!! That hurts me more than any of the bullshit that has been thrown at me the last year. All of it put together, doesn't hurt as much as when my son told me how he was treated last night. By his own grandparent. I still can't believe it. If you only knew how much you hurt him. And me. I know you want to live your life with your head in the sand and pretend everything is a-okay. Fine. You do that. But don't expect me to. And don't expect me to raise my children that way! I don't want them to wake up twenty years from now, full of self-loathing, and stuffing every feeling because they can't express them. Been there, done that, and it SUCKS! I just realized it's okay to take care of me. People actually DO THAT. Take care of themselves. And it's NOT selfish!! WHO KNEW!? All my life I have been terrified of being a selfish person. So I give till I have nothing left to give. And I wonder why I am empty? Cuz I gave it all away! Someday I hope it is okay to have my wishes respected. I really do. I think that would feel good. I remember when I told you I was going to have this surgery. I SPECIFICALLY asked you NOT to tell my sister. I hadn't decided if I wanted to tell her or not. Even then I had an inkling that she would not be supportive and that my decision would be a problem for her. But you told her. Thanks so much. I also tried to explain to you over Christmas that I needed to keep the negative people at arms length. To take care of me. I was feeling extremely vulnerable. Then you turn around and tell me I need to go talk to her. Practically blame her depression on ME! Thanks for throwing that steaming sack of shit in my lap. Totally appreciate that. And last night, when you thanked me for doing what you asked.... do you know how that made me feel? Like all was right with the world, because Jennifer was happy, and that was all that mattered. You didn't even notice that I was crying. That my eyes were swollen from crying all afternoon. That shows me exactly where I stand. Thank you for that too. You probably didn't notice that I was drinking for the first time in three months either. Or that I was five seconds away from bumming a cigarette off the grumpy guy. After 16 months of being smoke-free, I was completely ready to throw all that hard work out the window. Hello self-sabotage!!! My old friend! But I didn't. I guess I had my big girl panties on after all. Huh, Mom?
shellyphaunts

shellyphaunts

5
Blog 42613
 

update

didn't realize how long its been i had the surgery nov,2008 it well well i had Dr Cepeda he was and still is wonderful i was very swollen so for the first two weeks i could not get anything down i had to get unfilled completely. had to start over i am now doing ok still trying to eat right and workout i hope to see what this site could help me
gordita

gordita

1
Blog 61341
 

Drinking?Not the Hooch?Real Water

One thing I still have not completely mastered is not drinking during meals. I don’t guzzle stuff, but I do still drink a bit after I am done. Even if it is soup or stew or chili, typically it is water or iced tea. I just feel the need to have few decent sips of something to drink. Since I have not reached full restriction I have been able to get away with it, but I am sure it will catch up to me. Like most of the rules or guidelines related to the band I understand the reasons and implications. I will continue to work on this challenge.
Cingulus

Cingulus

1
Blog 52574
 

Delayed Restriction and Low Blood Pressure

First of all, I have now come to the conclusion that I am one of those people who doesn't feel a fill (lol, that sounds funny) right away. Meaning, I do not seem to swell up or feel any restriction right away right after a fill. In fact, I feel more hungry (probably because of my doctor's rule to not eat for 72 hours after). Anyway, so I got my 3rd fill last Monday and was thinking I felt less restricted after the fill than before it. And, honestly, that was kind of annoying. :glare:   Flash forward to this weekend and suddenly I am feeling a lot more restriction. I got stuck two times this weekend (on solid protein) and slimed for the first time. I kept everything down, but it hurt so bad I wished it would just come back up. :thumbup: I'm just not a puker (or PBer), though. Oh well, I gotta learn to chew and take it slow. But, that's a good thing! Even though I have a bit of a learning curve w/this, I am grateful for the restriction. I am definitely satisfied on less food now and it is lasting me longer. :thumbup:   In other happy news, my blood pressure has dropped significantly. I felt a bit dizzy doing some housework on Saturday so I took my BP and found it was 86/65! So, I have been monitoring my BP closely since then, skipped my BP meds Sunday and today, and so far my blood pressure is staying in a normal healthy range without the meds. Not sure if it will stay this way. Its hard to believe I could just drop the meds alltogether like that, but we will see. I'm gonna track it for a bit longer and then call my doctor.
adagray

adagray

2
Blog 86799
 

To help pay for surgery...

(and a possible body lift, after I've kept the wait off for a year or more)...I will be on my super grind making jewelry (this of course, is in addition to my FT 9-5 job) check it out... especially for the ladies that are feeling EXTRA fine in their new bodies :thumbup:: www.ggxjewels.com   Also - for those that have already had the surgery...what type of out of pocket expenses did you incur? I'm trying to build me a little LBS nest egg during my 6-9 month wait...
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

3
Blog 86799
 

Fatty Girl Recipes

I'm sure I'll have to be creative...but so far, so good.   Posting the link, onmly b/c it's far too much work to have to cross-post everything from my main blog!   http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com/category/recipes/
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

1
The Bitter Bandster
 

epiphany

It just dawned on me in the past few days that I experienced an epiphany either with the heart attack in September or somewhere along my journey here.   I've had a few dozen people thank me lately for comforting them or being inspirational to them with my positive attitude.  All the while I was thinking, "Boy do I have them fooled. If they only knew the real me."   The more I thought about it, the more I realized that they were seeing the real me and the only one I was fooling was myself.   I went back and reread my last 100 or so posts. Almost all were either positive reinforcement or congratulating somebody for reaching a milestone. The surprising thing is that I meant every bit of it.   Six months ago I was a selfish, miserable, negative, argumentative, pessimistic jerk with a huge chip on my shoulder feeding on others' misery. Today, I feel like I get stronger with every positive experience I have or read about. I am trying to forget the past and look forward to each new day.   Attitudes are contagious!!!!   I'm actually feeling pity for those that are letting their negative feelings take over. I try not to empathize with their feelings because I don't need any regression in my attitude now that I may have finally seen the light.   I've still got quite a bit of anger and repressed feelings inside me but they are dwindling with every minute passing.
btrieger

btrieger

7
Blog 85784
 

Almost 3 Weeks

Surprise Surprise, I've went down and up. It's a little discouraging to see all the progress you've made slowly be undone, so I refuse to let it go any further! I'm trying to find things to occupy my time other than eating...Yeeeeah that's not an easy thing to do considering I live in a hugely boring area. Maybe I should get a hobby? Like...cleaning...or knitting...oooor something that isn't a hobby my mother would have =_=.   This is frustrating...     ~Aerial :thumbup:
xxLaireaxx

xxLaireaxx

1
Blog 86799
 

"Now I lay me down to eat..."

“…I’m full but want a tasty treat…”   *sigh*   Undoubtedly, my "midnight feedings" – in which I pace in the kitchen & look for that special something to satisfy & sate (usually something sweet), usually between the hours of 11pm-1am – are the hardest part of this journey for me.   I remember a time in the not too distant past that I would run the water in the kitchen to drown out the sound of my cabinet rummaging and cellophane paper wrap krinkling from the little debbie snack I’d try to sneak back into the bedroom.   I should be ashamed *hangs head*:thumbup:   I think its a step forward that I’m starting to notice my patterns and put an end to them. I’m sure there’s always a chance to relapse, but at least by not keeping the junk in the house anymore, my choices are limited. Of course, I will ALWAYS and FOREVER keep the obligatory chocolate candy bar stashed away “in case of emergency”…but even then, it’s just ONE bar, not an entire bag of mini’s   Old habits die hard, its true. But new habits live in the light, to be nourished and cultivated into a way of life.   I can do this. I. WILL. DO. THIS.   *praying* “Jesus be an appetite suppresant”   *then singing and channeling Carried Underwood*   Jesus, take the wheel…
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

3
Blog 85448
 

Day Before Surgery

Began the pre-surgery prep yesterday with my last(yea!) Medifast shake and a shower using Dial(anti-bacterial - required). Boy does that soap make my skin itch. Also had to take MOM but was smart and took it in the AM so I wasn't up until the wee hours going. My husband cooked me a steak for dinner last night - probably the last I'll have for quite some time.   Today it's clear liquid only. Exciting breakfast of coffee and orange sugar free jello and an ice pop - Mmm..Chewing gum helps keep me from putting anything real in my pie-hole. Almost time to take more MOM in prep for giving myself and enema tonight. Who-hoo big fun!:thumbup:
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

4
Blog 1645
 

19 Days Out

Just wanted to give everybody an update. As of today I'm down 18 pounds! I'm sticking to a low carb meal plan and it's working out great. I am officially free to eat any food that I can tolerate, so far no problems. I did try to eat a bite of toast last week and it felt like it was getting stuck, so no more bread for me at least for a while. I am now feeling pretty much back to normal other than a little tenderness on my left side where Dr. Stewart pulled my stomach out. Food is a little intimidating- but I am trying to eat new things and not just drink a protein shake. The nurse got on to me for drinking more than one shake a day. She said that I need to be eating food. Easy for her to say. Ha! I did walk a mile and a half yesterday and I'd like to walk at least three times a week and build that up to every other day. We'll see how that goes. I hope everyone is doing well and once I hit 25 pounds lost, I'll post some pics.   :biggrin0:
shellshell

shellshell

3
Blog 85309
 

First fill and a confession

I had my first fill last Friday. The doc who usually does the cosmetic surgeries did it. My doc was eating lunch, but came out straight after my fill. I wonder if they were letting him practise.....   I got 2ccs. My doc previously said he would give me 3 ccs, so I'm a bit miffed I didnt get 3, as I totally cant notice the 2. Well I lie, I can notice the 2, but I need more. Since the fill, I'm getting stuck on foods that were previously fine. In 3 weeks, I've recovered back to my normal self, and I'm eating less and better, but I know I can do better.   My mum sent us (ok, my 2 year old) some easter eggs. I ate one. I thought I should come and blog it so someone can slap me on the face!!
amanda3t

amanda3t

1
Blog 50043
 

questions about mushies!

my doc cleared me for mushies and im having difficulties!   super finely mashed tuna salad is tough to get down, i have to eat it in pea sized bites. mashed potatoes go down alright for the most part. im scared to try pudding. pureed turkey got stuck. that was awful! after several minutes it went down but that was scary.   is this normal? am i doing something wrong? im scared to try scrambled eggs. and im supposed to be eating solids in less than a week!:thumbup:
harliquinn

harliquinn

4
Blog 78593
 

Silly me

Well am I good or what. I had the wrong blog address on my signature.. SO here is the right one now.   www.bandsterjourney.blogspot.com   Hug for everyone and goodnight..
michelleisaac

michelleisaac

1
Blog 87367
 

Doubts came, but I feel so happy.

I'm young. I'm not sure if I can live with this band forever in me and that's been plaguing my mind all day but I looked in the mirror today and realized I can.   I entered this thinking I would be able to one day take it off and that this experience will teach me about portions and healthy eating. I've read about how many who took it off just gained the weight back. I want to be able to eat certain foods. I don't want a port to be visible.. I don't want this thing inside me forever and more importantly, if I do ever get rid of it, I don't want my weight to come back ever..   I got over my fears. I looked at myself in the mirror. Being thin tastes better than any food.   I bought a food scale and a digital weight scale. 255.8lbs at 5'5. No more! I'm determined and ready! WOOT!   Reading what you all have written. Speaking with some of you. Your comments... I'm not alone. I may be just a teen but you all feel what I feel. I've been obese my entire life. I want change. We all want change. A better future... SO HERE I COME... zooooooooooooooom~   Now if only these protein shakes came in different flavors. Bleh.   On a different note, my mom showed me this picture:   and asked if I liked the dress. I loved the dress and said just that. She said "good, because a size 8 should be arriving in about 2 weeks. When you finally loose the weight, I want you to have something to look forward to. You're so pretty now so imagine you in the dress!" I love mom and I don't think I could go through any of this without you... I can't wait to wear it.
Lifejump

Lifejump

2
Blog 86799
 

Fatty Girl Food Journal

Check it out here: http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com/category/food-journal/   NOTE:   What I'm eating may "seem" like alot - but TRUST - this is but a mere fraction of what I used to eat. I was given the advice to journal everything I eat, cut my portions & add water. (thanks @btrieger :thumbup:) I also check out my food choices on this site: http://caloriecount.about.com/
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

3
Blog 71967
 

question..

is it normal to be 2 months out and have only lost 18 pounds? I've had a fill of 5 cc's on Feb 25th. Need another one. I'm eating almost what i want. :tt1:
dredems28

dredems28

2
Blog 67758
 

Not Losing

I was banded on 06-17-09. I lost 30lbs on the pre-op diet, and NOTHING since the surgery. I have been keeping a journal of the things that I eat and I workout. I am beyond pissed. I am seriously thinking about having it removed. I am going to give it a yr, but until then. Does anyone have any ideas on what the problem may be? I have asked my provider to check it but he insist that nothing is wrong wih the band nd there is no need to check it. HELP!!!!:tt1:
mrsprisha

mrsprisha

4
Blog 77798
 

Strange, but I'll take it!

I have been sick for about a week with a sinus infection, ear infection, and tonsillitis. Before I got sick, I definitely felt as though I needed another fill. I was hungry and 4 ounces did not ease my hunger at all. However, since I have been sick I of course did not have much of an appetite. Luckily, the antibiotic has kicked in and I am hungry, however, now feel as though I may not need a fill on Wednesday afterall. It is very strange! I can now eat 4 ounces and am not hungry anymore, and have been sticking to 2 or 3 meals a day. I wonder what caused this? Has anyone else experienced this? I've read of folks feeling tight after a fill and then loosening up, but not the other way around!   However, I am not complaining. I will keep my appointment on Wednesday and see how I feel then.   On an awesome note, I am now down 55 pounds!!!
laughnleo

laughnleo

1
Blog 81937
 

not losing!

I was banded on 2/09/2010 I lost 7 on pre op diet and then five withen two days of being banded. Now, NOTHING! Im getting so frustrated! What is going on? I have been eating half of what I did before and exersizing twice as much The scale has not budged sense feb 22. I am getting very discouraged. My first fill is the 11th of march. Will that make a difference?am I eating too much? not enough? Any advice would be welcome. Also I am nursing my baby does that make a difference?:tt1:
mallobox3

mallobox3

7
Blog 61341
 

The Best Scale in the House

One of the most difficult things for me as part of the band was finding the right portion sizes. As a newbie reading about sliming and PBing, it gave me significant reasons to pause and question if the band was the right choice for me. Obviously I got over the concerns and got the band, but in the spirit of optimizing this process, I still wanted to minimize the risk of ever having to go through the sliming experience. Veterans of the band would probably tell me the answer was simple…don’t eat more than your pouch can hold, avoid the major blocking foods, breads, rice and chew thoroughly when you do eat.   While this is sound advice and I am doing my best to follow said advice, I needed better tools than my eyeballs and will power. Not to mention, relying on those before are part of what got me into this problem in the first place. To that end, my wife found two outstanding tools that are making banded life manageable. The first has been the Escali P115C food scale. This little device has stopped me from adding extra food and takes the guess work out of most meals.     The second item is 8oz cups with lids like you find at the delicatessen. They also help me regulate food at restaurants. I bring an empty cup with me, order what I think I want, cut it up and only eat what fits in the cup. Yes, it is a little odd, but after spending this much money, going through the pre and post op issues, I want to optimize the process. I know this may sound a bit OCD, but it has worked. I like my body weight scale when it moves, but I love this one every day.
Cingulus

Cingulus

2
Blog 79919
 

4 days post-op

Grrrr! My husband doesn't let me break any rules!:tt1: Been laying in bed for what seems like forever! Did take a little walk around the grocery store yesterday which turned out to be a BiG mistake! :closedeyes: Spent the rest of the evening layed up... Sucked! No way I can get enough protein in yet. I just keep sipping away at it. Hope everyone is doing well:smile:
kleinow01

kleinow01

1

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