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chabutter's Journal
 

starting the data collection phase

Last night I went to the first seminar at jewish hospital. The day before they had sent me the papers I needed to submit about myself, like weight, insurance information, medications and etc. I turned that in and expect that they should receive it by thursday.   The seminar was good, and I got to ask the actual doctor questions.. He didnt impress me personality wise- but I am sure he knows what he is doing. He seems a little rough around the edges.. like corn bread. and he definitely ain't sweet -LOL i almost feel as if he looks down upon us poor plumpers as he claimed in big words his bmi was in the lower twenties.   Im disappoited that I will most likely not be able to go to Dr. curry and deaconess because he is moving away. He seemed nice. I will probably still go their seminar on the twentyfirst   anyhoo I think I asked the most risque questions -- mainly thanks to the knowledge and information I have gained from being a member (a quite active one) of this message board!   He does not repair slipped bands or erosion bands for free. He does not include the first year of fills for free (only one fill)     my main concern of all is about medical mutual insurance:   they do require a six month dieting attempt- but it does not have to be medicall supervised ?!?!?! so... i thought i was going to scream when she said It was needed, but then i realized I might still have hope because I had been on the endocrinologist diet for a while long ago, and have done weight watchers... i almost feel that i could scrap together about anything   I think that is going to be the biggest obstacle between me and bandland... if i start another medically supervised diet, it wont be over with until september (whew) long WEIGH away -- :help:   I expect to get my endocrinologist notes (from 5-7 years ago) next week, and I plan on traveling to toledo to visit my PCP to get the lab work done. I think my endocrinologist weight diagrams will prove a point. It also have the diagnoses of PCOS. AT TWELVE!   I already have my rheumatologist notes -- which i think is my strongest co morbidity claim.   anyhow I have been very anxious/excited about the whole thing for a while now.. and i really hope that i can strengthen my rather odd claim for this surgery.
chabutter

chabutter

1
dannygirl31's Journal
 

1st Appt.

:clap2: I found a surgen right in my home town thanks to this site. He only charges $12700 and that includes follow-ups and fills for a year. My first appt. is on March 27th I am so excited. They even have payment plans. Could this dicision I made get any better?
dannygirl31

dannygirl31

1
kaybug's Journal
 

just a little bit

3-14-06 i went to the doctor:faint: today to get the staples out and i found out how much i really weight at the time of my surgery i was 360 pounds:help: well im glad to say im now down to 348 that to my is good but i need more off :nervous i made a promise to myself and family i would be at lease 180 about this time next year :phanvan the docotr gave me the ok to do somethings but be careful;) i want to start execriseing but i still have a hard time moving in the differnt ways on my left side :paranoid like sitting down, getting up,and sometime when i move or dont move it burns :bored but i guess im rushing myself but i will keep in mind i need to give my body time to heal :tired so until the next weight in keep up the good work and eat little to nothing :speechles
kaybug

kaybug

1
Fleur's Journal
 

15 Days till banding

I saw my Dietician today - Trudy Wiliams. I have been seeing Trudy for a couple of years now and she is very familiar with my struggle. She is very possitive and supportive about LB and has every confidence that I will do well.   She ran through the pre op. diet, the post op diet and the puree diet. I just want to get started now because I have everything ready to go. I think the 2 weeks pre op diet is going to be the hardest so I just want to get that over and done with.   I've been having a few of my old favourite meals the last few days - saying good by to them for good I suppose. Today I had Narchos. I feel so full but I dont feel bad. It wasn't that great.   Tomorrow morning I weigh myself and take measurments. These will be my starting figures.
Fleur

Fleur

1
My Lapband Journal
 

Update, Problems, March 14th

Update: March 14th Been having a hard time. Been to the doctors alot.. Been having anxiety and depression. Prolly the hardest time I have had in a decade emotionally and financially, but definately not physically, I want to make that clear. My Follow up, fill doctor who is less than an hour from me, totally accomodating and I have complete access to.. happens to have took a month long vacation/training that is out of the country and I happen to be having problems.. SO, I have been forced to try to get the care I need with my pcp, different urgent care doctors and at the ER. This is actually gone very well IMO, BUt not the best.. But better than I could exspect, its still frusterating.. the whole situation. My situation is that I was adjusted on jan. 31, and about a week later I was too tight and I blamed it on my menstral that came early and instead of a unfill, I knew with some steroid antiinflamitory (solumederol) I could ward off abuse of the band for the week or so.. It worked well. Well, I have come to find out, its just too tight.. period.. and every little thing is inflaming it.. and NOW she is out of town till April. I am forced to keep my infalamation down ON MY OWn,, for all this time.. ITS very hard. Keeping my inflamation down, simply mean to keep from getting to the point or staying at the point of choking or spitting up my own saliva... as long as I burp it or gurgle it and it opens up enough at night for liquids than ITS FINE.. BUT.. I have been puking for over a week.. everything.. and sometimes untill midnight and being up for hours.. Two drink of milk HAS to come up. I still bring it up my self.. but that is cuz of the pressure.. and if I waitm its comes up with alot of slime just prooving my saliva was collecting as the liquid was stuck and IT NEEDED to come out.. I think its BAD" to make my self puke every thing out, but it doesnt come on its own, I can feel the pressure, I can feel my band being affected and with every swallow of saliva it build up more and I cant imagine keeping it in is the right thing to do.. I try to drink about once an hour,.. or have some soup when I am really getting hungry and frusterated and I have made a small habit of puking up every thing I ate.. So, FINALLY.. I decided enough is enough and I went again to ask for the solumederal.. (thing is they are hesitant to give it to me, cuz its not a good medicatiion for the obese or diabetic) PLUS they do not know the band and although it has always worked out.. I really avoid going as much as possible cuz its this big ordeal I JUST dont want to or like to have to do.. BUT I went again yesterday,.. I got the 125ml shot and FUCK, I should of NEVEr let my self PUKe for over a week ... There is a point where you get TOO inflamed where this treatment isnt going to work good enough... The first time last month I went in, I was open in one hour and open for 3 days.. the second time I was open within a few hours and it lasted almost 2 days, NOW I couldnt drink without PUKING untill midnight.. then I took the two valium and then an hour later I coulnt drink again wihtout discomfort. Well knowing the solumederal might not be working for me is only going to lead to an emergency type situation (if your fill doctor is out of town and you have no way to get to your band doctor) comletete UNFILL.. and the only option.. and they take it all out as they are not educated here to just take out the 1 or 2 cc's that would help me. This all caused me a 3 hour long panic attack last night.. all this and a few other stressors.. When I got the solumederal.. I was called later and told my blood sugar was 303... THAT, plus all of its implications.. made me panic more and more by the minute and I ended up in the ER. (I am ashamed and embarrassed.. I have a psychology degree and I understand how anxiety works when you have a malfunction in the brain, it makes things that normally you dont PANIC or FREAK out over.. BUt you cant help it either no matter how smart or level you think you are and it gets away with you.. out of controll... anyway.. I really hate that.. I feel horrible.. It doesnt help your healthcare to be known for this as everyone looks at you as a freak and your not taking seriously.. I have always hid my anxiety.. but the attatck last night was one of the worst I have ever had and the others I had I was already in the hospital.. this was the real first one at home.. All I could think about was how I CANNOT let my self get an emergency unfill.. it takes months to build that back up and MONEY I DONT have.. I have lost another 600$ a month in child support last month. (as I already lost 75% of my income in July).... anyway.. If I am down for 6 months.. I KNOW for a fact i will gain all 80 pounds back.. I am not being neggative, I KNOW it will happen cuz I know my self, I know my past habits and whats happened every time.. In order NOT to let this happen.. I MUST keep this inflamation at bay until APRIL ... I must have lots of solumederal till then.. I got my A1c level taken alittle over a week ago.. and it was 8.2 It was 8.2 a yr ago as well.. That means I run around an everage level of 160... THIS IS actully GOOD.. First, its the same as a year ago.. PLUS this is surprising low for a 400 pound person.. who lives on sugar.. I HAVE been very lucky and done pretty good about my diabeties compared to many, BUT.. yesterday afternoon I was 303, last night I was 350, (doctors said so) and then I tested my self this morning and my monitor said 375..(I was certain it was stress that made me high, but this morning I was calm as a cucumber, I had two valium last night and I was Over it.. AND STILL THE HIGH numbers) NEVER in my life have I EVER been this high.... (well only when I had back sugery and they said it was all cuz of stress,.,.as soon as I was home, it was back to around 150 and such again) So.,. this is a huge factor in them giving me the solumederal.... PLUS they gave me liquid prednislone to keep the steroids high in mee... The solumedraol didnt keep me open.. IT DID HELP alittle.. I can sip juice.. about 6 drink this morning and no need to puke it up (absolutely IMPOSSIBLE if I had not got the shot) BUT it is impossible to drink the liquid.. I tried, one vile and I had to chase it with acidy OJ.. and I choked on it.. Soooooooooooooooooooooooo I have an appointment tomarrow at 11am with my pcp.. THESE are MINE and HIS options: #1... Let me come in every other day for a shot of steroidal antinflamitory. (or less as I see necessary, it is very obvious to me when I need it. I will not take anymore than is needed to stop the PUKINg and stop the choking on saliva) My guess would be 80 ml, or so... OR let me take home the shots, I can easily give them to my self.. they dont hurt, they go in the vein or muscle and I perfectly capible.. This is neceassary as upon waking I CANNOT take the liquid.. I cannot take it all day in the anount necessary and at night MY only meal intake cannot be this liquid, plus chaser, AND it keeps you up ALL night long (it really makes me hyper and energetic like nothing else) and then I will sleep all day and then its this vicious cycle cuz it swells upon sleeping, so its INSANE to take it at night.. I must have shots in the AM.. TILL aprill... My levels of 300 can be controlled with insolin for this time.. I was told by the ER doctor that people like me go years at levels of 300 every day and NO IT WILL NOT KILL ME or harm me much to be at this level for a month.. THERE is proof as of just a week ago I had my A1c levels taken, PROOVING I am NOT normally NOR have I been for long anywhere Near these levels.. My PCP has to care more about my band and my MORBID obesity and go against than a month long risk of the solumederal and diabeties he is used to protecting.. HE has to realize the BAND issues NEGATES this normal practice.. #2.... FIND someone who will take out 1 to 2 cc's in an 'emergency type' capacity as no one is trained OR they may not do it in any other capacity as malpractivce fears.. THE port is RIGHT there.. STICK a needle in and pull out a few cc's NOT ALL OF IT.. IS that a REMOTE possibilty?? #3.. Go to ER.. have them pull out all my Fill, as that is all they are really able to do, and are instucted to do.. once its an emergency where nothing can help me. A few cc's will not help anyway... A full unfill will be necesarry.. IF I am not helped.. I will end up having to do this within less than two weeks.. (and two weeks shy of getting my unfill I need) Of course I am in favor of option one.. My appointment is tomarrow.. We will see.. I dont want to feel the emotions, the fear, the panic, the anxiety and the depression.. (that I know can lead to bad places) that I think will happen if he denies me.. I know what happened last night just comtemplating all these things.. Tomarrow it will be final.. I hate admitting so much weak ass shit.. But I made descisons about my life before I got the band.. this is about not being a burdon on my kids and my family.. Well, I am not going to stress today, so enough about that,. I LOVE myself.. I DO I DO I DO... I CAN get through this... ((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
Nykee

Nykee

1
Jerseytammy's Journal
 

Sometimes you have to laugh

march 14 Sometimes you have to laugh when you really want to cry. I have really been taking a tough look at myself recently. Asking myself the hard questions that I always seem to want to avoid, not because I dont know the answers but because the answers tend to hurt too damn much. Tammy why have you allowed yourself to get so big, you know there is heart diease in your family, you know you lost your dad when he was 36 to a massive stroke, you know what fast food and sweets along with bread is doing to your body, do you want to die? Has anyone ever told you, "you can control the way you feel, you decide everyday when you get up whether or not your going to be happy or sad? I know they meant well, but did they not see all they were doing was making me feel like more of a failure. God I know I am suppose to be in control of my body and my mind so why do I fail at both? Ever been out some where actually having a good time and all of a sudden catch a glimpse of yourself in a window or a mirror? For me it is liking someone slapping me in the face saying " what are you doing having a good time, look at you". So I put on the fake smile and try to continue to have a good time. You know I have thought about seeing a shrink but unless he or she has been where I have I just dont see how they can help me, oh and give me something for depression, been there and done that with all the wonderful side effects. How did Oprah do it, she was abused as a child, and had some major issues in her life, so lets take away her millions, how does a working class woman do it?
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
vinesqueen's Journal
 

1 year bandivarsary

HI Campers! (Hi Crystal!)   Well, today is my one year bandivarsary. Not a single expectation I had before my banding has materialzied at least when it comes to weight or size, but perhaps the evaporation of my asthma symptoms (yay me!) makes up in some small measure for not losing weight. (that whole not-dead thing goes a long way I think)   I have lost a net of 30 pounds since being banded. I've lost 15 pounds since April 2005, which is hardly impressive.   This last year has been quite a ride for me. Right now I'm not even bothering to try to lose weight, I'm just concentrating on maintaining. And I'm doing a very good job of that. Someone on another board told me that they were disapointed that I've given up, that I wasn't even trying, so of course I would fail. But that's just it, I haven't given up and I haven't failed.   I don't think the band failed me either. Or maybe I do. I dunno. I know that I was very angry that I wasn't able to lose weight. I was well on my way for a while to developing my first eating disorder -- this summer and fall I was completely obsessed with counting everysingle calorie trying to lose weight. (tooth paste does not have any significiant calories, BTW) I spent a month at 700 +/- 100 (okay, mostly - ) because I couldn't lose weight at 1000 or 1200 or higher. I lost 1.5 pounds that month I was too tight.   I thought I had developed a leak, but it was just a case of an interventional radiologist who didn't have enough experinece letting out more fill than he was putting in...   It's hard watching everyone pass me by. It's hard to watch folks who started out with similar stats to me loose 10 sizes to my one size lost. It's hard to watch them lose so much more in pounds that I feel like I ever will. But at least I've recorded every one of my NSVs that I've ever noticed, which does help. After all, when I'm invited to go on Oprah when i finally do get things figured out, I'll be able to share more than pounds lost, I'll be able to share the life I've gained.   So, since I badger everyone at their bandivarsaries for their favorite NSVs, here are my favorite ones right now.   My top ten NSVs in no particular order. I didn't die from resperatory failure. Probably my biggest NSV, that whole not-death thing. Probably my favorite one too.
I have wiggle room when I fly, and I don't need an extender anymore either. (is that one or two?)
I've run for the bus without even thinking about it
I've been able to chase my Spudboy down the stairs and out into the street before having to stop becaue I was laughing so hard
I've started bellydancing again, and I'm a professional bellydancer too now.
I no longer have a "breathy" quality to my voice, but I'm told it's strong and clear now. (no more asthma!)
I am no longer The Great Crystal Dam in the bathtub
I can cross my legs. HOLY SH*T! I can cross my legs!
donuts no longer have any appeal
I have realized that I will never go hungry again. (it's a wolves thing)
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

2
luvlif's Journal
 

3/14 3 mos 232.5 lbs!

:clap2: HAPPY 3 MONTH ANNIVERSARY TO ME! :clap2: I'M DOWN A TOTAL OF 38.5 LBS SINCE I BEGAN MY JOURNEY FROM 271LBS TO 232.5 IN 90 DAYS NOW IF I COULD DO THAT FOR THE NEXT 90 DAYS.....OK OK, I'LL SETTLE FOR 10 LBS A MONTH! I'M V CRANKY TO-DAY
luvlif

luvlif

1
Confessions of a Nervous Bander
 

Home From Banding

Well, that was rough. Unlike others I have seen posting their experiences on this site, I did not sail through it. I am amazed and a little jealous of those people who were up and about with no problems.   I'm not feeling well right now, like I have the flu only with stab wounds. And yes, like some others I am wondering "what the hell did I do to myself?!!"   I am without pain meds as I don't react well to them, so I'm in a lot of pain right now.   We arrived at the hospital and I was shaking with nerves. The weather was damp so my asmtha was kicking in, which worried me. I was coughing a lot and had mucas in my throat.   The nurses were great. The hospital has a great staff. I didn't feel the needles going in for the IV prepping etc. They also gave me a shot of heperin in my stomach, which was so smallI didn't even feel it. But what was weird is I could feel it moving into my body.   As 7:30 came closer I began to get more nervous and it hit my bowels, so I was up to the bathroom a few times.   My boyfriend was then allowed to come stay with me until they wheeled me in and as soon as I saw his face, I started to cry.   The anestesiologist came in and then I really knew "this is it", he was a very serious, direct no nonsense guy, obviously taking it very serious, which is good. He was concerned about my coughing and told me the risks involved if I go under. He said overweight people are at risk already, so with this, you have more risk. They were basically asking me if I wanted to go through with the surgery. I have panic disorder, so you can imagine what I was experiencing.   He listened to my lungs, said they sounded good and that they would give me medicine to dry up the mucas (boy he wasn't kidding) and wheeled me in. As we rolled down the hall I started to panic thinking..."there is still time to back out." ANd tears rolled down my cheeks.   I said "wow" when I saw the OR. It looked state of the art. Big screens, etc. I saw two OR nurses with the masks on at a table putting out all the instruments and they waved to me. I waved back but they saw my face and knew I was really scared. I said to the Anestesilogist "If I do this, I'll be okay, right" He said in a direct manner; "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think you'd be okay. You'll be fine."   They got me on the table and started strapping me in. The anesthesiologist told me he was putting medicine through now and I felt some strong tranqulizer go through. "That's strong stuff". Then he put an oxygen mask over my mouth and told me to breath in deep. Dr. walked in and smiled and I looked at him and said I was so scared. He asked why and I said my asthma was bad and he said"That's why your doing this, so your asmtha and health can get better". I nodded And he took my hand and he said, "We are going to start the anesthesia now, you'll feel burning in your throat. I'll put my finger on your throat so it feels better" SO with one hand he hand his finger on my throat and the other held my hand. I felt the stuff start running through my veins and I looked into the eyes of the the anesthesiologist who looked into mine and then back at Dr. Abkin's. Still holding my hand, his eyes were very kind and they seemed to said "keep looking into my eyes" and that's the last thing I saw.   Then I remember the anesthesiologist voice saying "Your done, Eileen".   Then I remember a post op nurse saying "I need you to breathe Eileen"   Then I remember opening my eyes and seeing myself in recovery and I went out again. I was awakened a few times by the post op nurse telling me I needed to breathe more.   It was hard.   A woman who went in after me with Dr. seemed to recover much faster. She seemed fine. I was still trying to wake up. It took me a long time, and I felt sick. I didn't get released until 4 even though I had been done for awhile because it took me so long. They gave me two doses of anti nausea medicine in recovery because I felt sick. I did gag a few times, but nothing came up.   I felt so badly last night and today that I am thinking if I had a slip or erosion, I don't think I could go through multiple surgeries. I pray to god I am one of the lucky one's who has no issues.   Speaking of praying to God, when left alone for a little bit before surgery, I made my peace with God. You'll think me overly dramatic, but I'll be honest and say due to my history with not doing well with surgery, I thought I might die and was preparing my soul.   I know it sounds melodramatic, but yesterday took a lot of courage for me. I had to dig into my toes to get the courage to do this.Yesterday and the day I put my dog to sleep required the most inner fortitude in my life.
NeenBand

NeenBand

2
AshleeM's Journal
 

3/10/06

Today I went o the surgeon's office to pick up some documents and show him my blisters fromthe bandaids. No Biggie. I weighed in at 204 pounds.
AshleeM

AshleeM

1
AshleeM's Journal
 

3/7/06

Today I am having my LapBand surgery. I am so nervous. My mom and Dad are coming and I know God will be with me. I am 215 pounds today.
AshleeM

AshleeM

1
kaybug's Journal
 

day befor my stretch r removed

i get them out tomorrow but im excited becuz i;m hoping i can move around better with out them im in a lot of pain i wish james was here but i understand a man has to provide for his family . i love him and wish he was here because today is my b-day and tomorrow im doing this by myself its hard when u r used to having someone around u all the time and there when ever u turn around and then there not there and u really want them there. very excited to c how much i weigh when i get to the doctor tomorrow.
kaybug

kaybug

1
Jerseytammy's Journal
 

What are you scared of?

March 13 Today is Monday, it has to be the longest day of the week!! I did have one very nice surprise this morning, I got some very kind and heartfelt replies from a post that I had made about gaining weight. I was too busy this morning to have any breakfast so about 10:00 my tummy was growling pretty good, so what did I do, I went to the office's vending machines and bought some cheetoes, now thats something you want to eat while your tryin to loose weight. Then for lunch I got sweet n sour chicken , no rice but broccoli. I havent done rice since having my band due to fear. I wished I could say that about carbs and chocolate too. Fear is a powerful emotion, it can make a grown man cry and a fat woman give up pork fried rice. A list of some things I fear.... Not living to see my girls grown and with kids of their own Never being healthy again Always having to use a wheelchair to go to the grocery store or mall Resturant booths Flying because of the small seats looking into a mirror loosing my hair loosing my teeth sagging skin (not normal but the kind that requires surgery) heart attacks strokes (lost my dad when he was 36 to a stoke, he wasnt heavy) crowded rooms small dressing rooms formal events OMG and the list could go on and on, so what does this say about me? Do I live in fear every day, of course I do, do I think about atleast one of these things every day, YES! So I sit and wonder am I over weight due to my fears or are my fears due to me being over weight. Worrying cant be good for a person like me, they say stress kills and man oh man do I feel stressed. Funny ya know what helps ease that stress, FOOD, and then afterwards I thinking about having that heart attack or having to go clothes shopping. Will this cycle ever end????  
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
Julie*'s Journal
 

March 13

Well, I've had a pretty big weight drop the past few days. I have now lost 21 pounds. I haven't really exercised yet but I am sticking to 4 eating episodes per day and just having my soup, mushy crackers and fruit smoothies at night. I do feel hungry alot though and realize now how this would not work for me w/o the band. I would already have found something to binge on!   I will be happy to have real food again next week though eating slow is going to be a struggle for me. The good news is that I don't seem to be craving soda much these days. Who would've thought I would go 3 weeks w/o a diet coke.
Julie*

Julie*

1
Vera Roman's Journal
 

Lap band surgery

I.m very interested in the Lap band surgery, but very nervous. I don't know any doctors in this area. I've heard of a Dr. Frezza in Lubbock. Don't know much about her. Any comments. :help:
Vera Roman

Vera Roman

1
Fleur's Journal
 

17 Days till banding

I met my Doctor today - Dr Blair Bowden. Nice guy. Pretty calm and knowlegable. Says he's been mentored by George Fielding.   Dr Bowden said if I do nothing else but get the band - not even excercise - statistically I will be 85kg in two years. Today I would be thrilled to be 85 kg but I know I really want to be 75. This is the weight I was at school when I thought I was a hippo. Welln actually, some of the boys told be I was a hippo. Even dad made the odd comment about my weight. God strike me down if I ever say anything to Millie about her weight - never ever!!!   Andrew came with me to the appointment. God I love him.. He doesnt say much but he is so supportive. I just dont tell him enough about what I'm feeling. I also went to see Beres my GP. She happily gave me the referral and said this surgery woud be appropriate for me and said Dr Bowden had a good reputation. I'm pleased to have her blessing.   I told Dr Bowden about my fear of failure since that had always been the outsome in my endevours to lose weight. He said that of all the people with a weight problem only 5%, that's 5% actully lose weight and keep it off long term - 5+ years. The huge majority fail and that is why LB is so successful. There was a study done in Switzerland. They took 200 people put 100 of them on a regular diet exercise programme and gave them, doctor, psycologists, trainers and nutrisionists and 5 years later only 5% had kept the weight off. The other 100 people had lab band and 5 years later 80% had lost and kept off their weight. I only have 2 days before optifast starts so I need to gear up for that.   Made a pact with my walking buddy Andrea to make Monday morning our weigh in then tell each other on our walk. Used my new Polar Heart Monitor watch today. Sure did keep me going when I slackened off.
Fleur

Fleur

1
kaffenoire's Journal
 

3/13/06 5days to go before surgery

Time is drawing nearer! I'm scared and I'm excited. I'm more concerned abt. some of the side effects, like getting sick in public, and PBs. I just hope that I can get these things right so that I won't have so much trouble. Just seems like a lot to remember, all of the dos and don'ts. Its getting late, I'd better get some sleep!
kaffenoire

kaffenoire

1
Jerseytammy's Journal
 

Not going to lie to myself

march 12 I tried to get on yesterday but kept getting an error message, not sure what was up with that. I am the dependable one, the one that people turn to in time of need, I am the solid one, the one that always has something positive to say, the one that always is there. Now if you have read my other entries you have to be either laughing or saying lady you must be crazy. But you see I have made a deal with myself, I will not lie here, if I am in a pissy mood, I am going to say it, and if I feel like bitching and moaning I am going to do it. In my every day life I am not who I am, hell I am not sure who I am. I am not sure I have ever known who I am. I went and had my hair cut and colored this weekend, a friends treat to me, I havent had to done professionally in about 5 years now. So I went to this very upscaled salon, the lady ask me to step into the changing room and put on this smock, oh my god!!! Who ever invented one size fits all had no idea there were women my size apparently. So there I sit in this room, there was no way this thing was fittin me and I couldnt help but think, she saw me and she had to know it wasnt going to fit. I wanted to cry, but I sucked it up, put on a smile and said I wore an old shirt so it doesnt matter if anything gets on this old thing. It seem to work but come on everyone knew but what could I do. The stylist was very very sweet and tall, very slim and beautiful. She did a great job and my hubby loved my hair but I had to sit there and look at my ROUND face in the mirror and think how ugly I am. Ya know when your hair is in foil and you have this big ass cape round around you, you see nothing but how big ur face truly is. Here I am going to let my true feelings out, no sugar coating them here. People treat me like a second class citizen and I feel second class.
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
Mystjin's Journal
 

3-12-06

OK, I had my Dr. appt. this week. Now I am set up for blood work on 3-15 and diet consult on 3-22-06. Then I have to wait for the insurance stuff I guess. I paid my down payment so I'm on my way! Exciting and scary! I have wanted to eat everything in sight. I am suppose to lose between 15 and 30 lbs. by surgery time. YIKES! Not doing real good so far. Went to Shoney's Friday for seafood. Had some fried stuff. Should have eaten more crab legs, but that means more butter. Sigh...:rolleyes Last night went to El Sazon had chicken soup which wasn't too bad but ate a basket full of chips and cheese dip. Going to Lemon Grass tonight for Scott's birthday. Probably won't do to bad there. Had a McDonald's Grilled Chicken Sandwich - no fries - for lunch. Chewed gum today so I haven't been too hungry today. Gum helps - gives me something to do with my mouth. I had 2 panic attacks this week, lasted a couple of minutes then went away. I just sat down and waited for it to go away. Pretty good mood today.
Mystjin

Mystjin

1
pycca's Journal
 

11 days out

Here I am 11 days out, only incision pain has been the port the last few days.:clap2: Still can not bend over well. I am soooo tired of liquids, am ready to move on to the next phase,:faint: I want to be a normal person, not a recovering one. I go back to the leg Dr. on the 14th, maybe that will change. Hobbeling around more. still can not put all weight on it. it is to weak. ready to get out of the big black roboboot!!!
pycca

pycca

1

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