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  • Entries

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About this blog

Trying to find out who I am

Entries in this blog

Ok I am still having a lot of pain when I try and eat soild foods, but I did notice yesterday that I was eating too fast and not thinking about how much I was chewing. So I slowed down and started concentrating on every bite, it seem to be working until the phone at work started ringing and people started coming over to my desk wanting things and before I knew it I was in pain once more. I think I may be one of the lucky ones as far as Pbing and slimming goes, I have only pbed once since havin
Ok I had my thrid fill on Friday, May 26th. Now I am told I have a 100 cc band and I already have 6 cc in it so Friday he added 3 more. I have 9 cc in a 10 cc band. He told me I am almost at max. I felt this lump in my throat but wasnt sure if it was the band being too tight or just knowing I only have one cc left to work with. I was banded on Feb 8 or no romantic valentines dinner for me, I will still on liquids then, then all of my fills are been right before a holiday or some kind. Even
Well when I started this journal I told myself that I would keep up with this, and just like all my diets I failed. So I have been doing some thinking, ok a lot of thinking, which isnt always a good thing for me. I am truly sick of thinking and trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Did I have a great childhood, no, but neither did a lot of other people and they didnt end up OB with panic attacks. So what makes me different or should I say weak? What makes me eat when i am not hungry a
It started this weekend with constipation. I took milk of manganese, 5 Colace and a glycerin depository with no results. After several hours of hurting I woke my husband at midnight go try and find an all night drug store to get me a fleet enema. After giving myself the fleet and waiting for about an hour and half I finally got some relief. I was able to sleep about 2 hours before having to get up and get ready for work. So my day at work was spent hurting, sore and sleepy, Not a GOOD DAY!
I know I have never pushed out a baby, although I have 3 girls (all c-sections) but last night I dont think it could have been any worse. I knew all day that I had that constipation feeling but when I got home I got that URGENT Constipation call. I called my husband at work and ask him to stop off at the drug store and pick up some milk of magnese (sp). I had taken 5 colaces with no effect. I did a deposatory (again speling ughhh) with no effect. I was miserable. So when hubby came in I did
When I talked to my doctor the other day he recommended I try the web site obesityhelp.com. So I had a free minute at work and I did. Ok let me go back for a minute. Several years ago I was told I was having panic attacks, ok we all know what that is now but when I first started having them at age 17, I am not almost 40, they were talked about much. My attacks got so bad that they were disabling. I could drive by myself and the fear of dying was overwhelming to say the least. I tried ev
Ok I had my first fill Friday, I was neverous as crap so I made sure I took my blood pressure meds, my heart meds, and yes a xanax. OK are you noticing what I didnt notice? I am having my feel so that means nothing but fluids after that, ughhhhhhhh I forgot to eat breakfast! Hmmm maybe I should look at that as a NSV. Now about the fill, I found out I have a 10 cc band, which is I think the largest one they make. Dr.Gritsus filled me with 3.5 cc, at first I am not sure how much he put in but
March 23 Tomorrow is my first fill and I am very neverous. I have to be at the hosiptal at 7:05 am, ughhhh! I have had no restriction up until now and have been eating the same as always. I have read all the threads here and some are rather scarey. I have a huge fear of vomiting so the thought of "pbing" isnt too appealing to me. But thats the plan right? This a tool, a powerful tool to someone like me. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now it is hard to concent
Oh guess where I went this weekend? My husband and I were given floor seats to see the Nets. I cant tell you how excited I was, not that I am a big basketball fan but I have never been to a professional game and to have floor seats!!!!! The game was great, we won, and sitting just 3 rows up from us Jayz and Beyonce'. I didnt know he was the owner, well part owner, of the Nets. I got some pictures on my camera phone for my girls. So here is where it stopped being fun, my husband started
march 14 Sometimes you have to laugh when you really want to cry. I have really been taking a tough look at myself recently. Asking myself the hard questions that I always seem to want to avoid, not because I dont know the answers but because the answers tend to hurt too damn much. Tammy why have you allowed yourself to get so big, you know there is heart diease in your family, you know you lost your dad when he was 36 to a massive stroke, you know what fast food and sweets along with bre
March 13 Today is Monday, it has to be the longest day of the week!! I did have one very nice surprise this morning, I got some very kind and heartfelt replies from a post that I had made about gaining weight. I was too busy this morning to have any breakfast so about 10:00 my tummy was growling pretty good, so what did I do, I went to the office's vending machines and bought some cheetoes, now thats something you want to eat while your tryin to loose weight. Then for lunch I got sweet n
march 12 I tried to get on yesterday but kept getting an error message, not sure what was up with that. I am the dependable one, the one that people turn to in time of need, I am the solid one, the one that always has something positive to say, the one that always is there. Now if you have read my other entries you have to be either laughing or saying lady you must be crazy. But you see I have made a deal with myself, I will not lie here, if I am in a pissy mood, I am going to say it,
Well my fears were confirmed yesterday, I have gained 10 lbs since I have started back eating. I mean who was I fooling, I have been eating snickers, bites of carmel, dinner mints and anything else that tempted me. Did I think for one minute that the scales would lie to me, no, but I kinda hoped that since I only ate like 4 fun size bars instead of the one king size I would have normally had that some how it would be OK. I told myself on the way home in the car, this is it, I will start follo
March 9 Ok I had to leave work yesterday due to that fact that I was so miserable from being constipacted. I know it had to piss my boss off because I have just came back after being out for 9 days due to a rough recovery after my surgery, so much for a raise anytime soon huh. Heck I am worried about being replaced if something else happens, like I dont have enough to worry about. I called the doctor and he had me give myself a fleet enima, oh that was lovely. Then he had me take 3 col
Today is Tuesday march 7, and sadly to say today seems to be no better than yesterday. Damn I hate to whine and that is what I feel like I am doing. I keep tryin to tell myself all these other people are doing it and they arent whinning, suck it up and do what you have to do. Last night I had spagetti for supper, how much ? I have no clue, I ate until I thought I should be full and then stopped only to go back an hour later and eat more. Am I going to lose weight this way , I seriously doub
Ok it is March the 6th and I am just now starting my journal. I know I was told to start right away but I am lazy. Wow, I am sitting here thinking that is an ugly word, one associated with fat, large, heavy, full-figured or big, which ever is more politically correct today. Lazy? Maybe a little but try carry around 300 plus pounds around all day and see how much energy you have. Angry? Yeah maybe a little too, I did this to myself, I am the one that allowed myself to get this heavy, no one

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