Is my period an excuse?

Today is Tuesday march 7, and sadly to say today seems to be no better than yesterday. Damn I hate to whine and that is what I feel like I am doing. I keep tryin to tell myself all these other people are doing it and they arent whinning, suck it up and do what you have to do.

Last night I had spagetti for supper, how much ? I have no clue, I ate until I thought I should be full and then stopped only to go back an hour later and eat more. Am I going to lose weight this way , I seriously doubt it. My husband is a wonderful man but he got on my nevers last night so bad, he watches everything I eat and then says "slow down" between every bite. I am a big girl and I know what the doctor said so I didnt need him to be reminding me through every bite I took. Did I say anything to him, oh yeah and it wasnt pretty.

Ya know I am sick of thinking about my weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is has been an issue my whole life, do normal size women think about their weight all the time? DO they worry about becoming like me? I am sitting here thinking is there every a day that goes by that I dont think about my weight? I honestly dont think so. Wow how sad that is. I mean something as simple as going out to eat with my family can become an ordeal to someone like me, I have been humiliated more than once because I couldn't fit into the booth, or the chairs were so close together that I couldnt get between two people sitting at the table, so I have become the drive-through Queen. WOW that was tough to even type. I guess that will be one of my NSVs, fittin in a booth comfortably. SIGHHHHHHHHHHH

Today isnt a good day for me, I am feeling a bit over whelmed. This damn weight thing, the kids, my job, my husband, money, housework, laundry, the dog and lets not even start to mention my Mom and sister. I have noticed that I have started taking more Xanax. I was diagnosed with panic disorder years ago. After being misdiagnosed for years, but to make a very very long story short I am given xanax to take as need when they seem to be gettin out of control. For the last couple of days I have felt like I couldnt breath, so I have taken a nerve pill to help.

God I just want one day to go by with me thinking about my weight. I just never see it happening. No matter what I am doing weight is always an issue for me. I am sick of it, so it looks like I would be doing everything in my power to take it off doesnt it. See I ask myself that question all the time, you're scared of a heart attack yeah you do no cardio exercises, you hate being fat yet you over eat, your dad died when you were 12 of a massive stroke (he was 36) and yet you skip days of your own blood pressure medicine. Do I secretly have a death wish? No I dont think I am sucidical (sp) but I just want the madness to stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!