So...SO Pissed at my mother.

[losingjusme 12]

biting tongue...

gloucester, i agree with most above, the non food time with your mom sounds like a fabulous idea... and like i posted on your blog, i would have been uber pissed at my mom if she did the same thing....

yer a great mom!

[Gone4Now 4]

Thanks LJM! :bored:

I did ask mom if she'd rather bring puzzles or something for them to do in common and she said, "I don't do it for bonding." Okaay. Then WHY do you do it?

But, she ended up saying she agreed and she "got it" so, I'm relying on that.

[BethFromVA 5]

Thanks LJM! :eek:

I did ask mom if she'd rather bring puzzles or something for them to do in common and she said, "I don't do it for bonding." Okaay. Then WHY do you do it?

But, she ended up saying she agreed and she "got it" so, I'm relying on that.

Oh wow, I think that would piss me off more. :bored:

[green 6]

Momma sounds a little flakey, eh?

[Daisalana 33]

Just the other side of the coin though..

Your daughter has been gaining weight, just from 2x pieces of toast every day?

If she's eating healthy the rest of the day, that doesn't seem likely..

She has freewill, I'm not saying it's anyone's 'fault', but keep in mind that when she's not under your nose, she is going to eat what she wants (obviously from this little revelation).

Not saying granny was in the right, misguided at the very least and in the wrong at worst.. but your daughter could have chosen not to eat it. Since she didn't, and you said she's gaining weight.. who is to say she will tell her friends 'no' when they have goodies, etc.

Not offering advice, just things to think about )

I think the laptop will be a good incentive for her to make good choices.

[green 6]

It is very difficult for a child who loves to eat to refuse something delicious (and fattening) that is offered to her by her grandmother. It is very difficult for us to refuse delicious food that is lurking in our fridges and cupboards. When it came to freewill, I really didn't have much. That is why the lapband was so useful; I felt full and did not have to rely on will power to say "no." This reminds me: I think I am gonna need a fill soon.

[Kat817 19]

Green needs a fill? YAY!!!!! So glad food is appealling again!

As for the subject at hand. I can see it from ALL sides almost!

I provide day care for my granddaughter. She is 4 and extremely tiny. Her Mama, my DD watches her weight, but has never let it get away from her yet. I was morbidly obese, and my own Mom who is still in the picture is obese, by the charts, but say a size 16/18.

So our biggest issues food wise come up between my DD and my Mom. My Dad is borderline diabetic and they keep tons of artificially sweetened foods around. When my DGD was younger and they would let her eat it, it tore her little tummy up, and her bowels would be loose, which is hard for little ones to make it in time in those cases.

My DD ask my Mom not to let her have all the aspertame and sorbitol, malitol stuff.....so rather than tell the DGD no, she went and bought all the full sugar versions for her! Not exactly what my DD wanted!!!

It went round and round, finally my DD got a little lunch box, and back pack combo, and when she goes to Nana's (my Moms) she packs it for her--and puts in little bags of carrots, and apples, string cheese, and bags of 100 calorie microwave popcorn-because it is the right size for her. Just all kinds of OK things for her. A good assortment. And now my DGD is old enough to know that Papa's kind of candy has something like medicine in it, and it makes her sick. She loves being able to dig through her bag and choose a snack.

We stock up, and let her choose as much as possible. It is as easy with her to stand in produce and let her choose what kind of she wants as it is to stand and let her pick a candy bar. I KNOW that will change with age....but our tactics will have to change as her age does I am sure!

We have rewards---when she cleans up when ask the first time etc, she earns trips to the park, or to McDonalds-where she really doesn't care much about the food, but loves the play area!

I KNOW it is easier with her being 4 than 12. We can only hope these lessons make some impact. She is with me everyday, she sees me exercise, she goes to the daycare at the gym with her Mom on weekends. We take her trike to the park with us. Just trying to keep her moving, not sit her in front of the TV everyday.

I wonder after the dust settles, and tempers ease, if maybe a trip to the store together might be a good idea. Apparantly Mom is close enough to bring food while it is warm, the issue was the type of food and the sneak factor. Everyone working together with health in mind for the entire family as opposed to just weight for your DD is the goal, maybe there is a way to make Mom part of that.

I agree to make the laptop an incentive. I bought my DD a hamster to quit chewing her nails! She still has nice nails, and the hamster only lived a couple of years! LOL We still laugh about it. We saw a woman who literally had no nails, and was gnawing on her fingers at a Christmas program, my DD whispers to me "she didn't want a hamster bad enough!"

I really feel that right now is a dark zone with your childs age, she is old enough to have the ability to get food on her own, at home or at school, or through Grandma. But she is still a bit young for her own vanity to be a real strong push.

I think focusing on family health, and doing physical things with her will be the best way without destroying her self confidence....little girls sense of self is often reallllly fragile. One only has to read the "Why are you Fat?" thread to see how parents and grandparents reaction to childhood obesity affects us.

Good Luck to you all---hope you get it worked out together, she deserves support from all of you. And YOU deserve it from your Mom, hope she really does "get it"....wish I could say I would not have responded similarly, but criticism, even when deserved is hard to take!!! LOL

Kat

[Gone4Now 4]

Kat, thanks so much! Your posts are always inspiring. :thumbup:

DD and I just talked tonight about food choices, weight and diet. We watch Biggest Loser together and she has a friend that is her weight and on a diet. I told her we're not on a "diet"...we're trying to be healthy. I said, "It's not about the number on the scale. If we're eating right, that number will go down. But, it's more that we're eating the things our bodies need, and not too much of what it doesn't."

And, as to what FairyFacade said above, it's 100% true: I don't have control over what she eats when she's not with me. And, I'm not sure it's just 2 pcs of toast...I have a slight feeling it's more. I know it's toast and apple juice. I'm not sure what else has been given that they're not telling me. So, another thing I said to DD was it's in her hands. That it's her choice to be healthy or not healthy.

It's not going to happen overnight, but I think we're getting there. It was a wake up call for her that I did get so angry at mom for being the "food pusher" and maybe that impressed her a little.

This week, we've gone to the gym in the morning together and she's made a great effort to eat fruit for Breakfast and her veggies at dinner. As for lunch...she struggles with school lunches. She'll get the sandwich and not eat the top part of the bun. So, I'm proud that she's making steps, and I've come to accept my own responsibility in this.

Bottom line: I'm a fat mom, I was a fat daughter, and now my daughter is fat. It's not something I'm proud of...BUT. We are turning it around.

As for mom...I don't have a lot of hope for her. She keeps 3 jars of candy by "her chair" and only gets up to go the bathroom. She's never been active, never eaten healthy and has been obese 1/2 her life. I'm just not sure I'll ever get through to her.

I just need to get through to me and DD, and leave the past behind.

[Kat817 19]

I can't blame my Mom for my weight....and believe me through the years I have tried to blame a lot of my issues on her!!! LOL Seriously I know we don't really "blame" them, but we also know they did not really set great examples for us.

My Mom and Dad were not too bad, they cooked, and made me cook balanced meals. The biggest thing my Mom did that destroyed my eating was that she had full meals every night. We would have a meat, a starch and a vegetable---the plate had to be balanced and pretty. But every single dinner had potatoes, or Pasta or rice.....without fail! Not to mention, there was bread on the table with every meal. Whether it was rolls, cornbread, or even just sliced bread and the butter dish close by! Now years later trying to learn to cook just a meat and a veggie or 2 and skip the high carb starches is hard! It doesn't feel like a proper meal! My DH is happy if we do no more than throw a steak on the grill and toss a salad together, he is happy----but the other part of me thinks we need to have baked potatoes (loaded of course), and veggies and dinner rolls as well.

So even if you are doing nothing else, your DD is not going to grow up thinking THAT is normal and expected! She will probably go through a point she doesn't want to read labels and make good choices, but it will be there, she will know how to do it. As will my granddaughter.

My DD is diligent in her efforts---as it sounds like you are...and while lap band come late in MY life she DID see me diet and give up, and diet and give up---so at least part of the time she witnessed good habits!!!

Sounds to me like you are both on a great track, and the time together is a benefit! You are raising her to be a smart, informed woman....and just imagine what options lie ahead for these kids!!

Kat

[green 6]

Yah, food is beginning to have its dangerous allure again but sadly, thanks to my ruined mouth (ruined through radiation of my throat) and my difficulties with swallowing, I can't eat any hard dry stuff and that leaves most forms of Protein out. I am gaining weight but I don't have to throw my belts away just yet! I have a ways to go before I will be where I was before I was banded but I am definitely entering the foothills.... I do need a fill and I do need to be damn cautious about what I allow into the house. It sure is a lousy winter this year and this inspires a grrl to want to eat!

[Gone4Now 4]

Oh, Green...I'm really sorry for what you've been through lately.

And, Kat, my meals were the same growing up. Mom always color-coded dinner. I guess she thought it was balanced, and really - according to old food pyramids, it was.

Mom's and my issues were really deeper...my brother would come in to my room after she was asleep and tell me where she hid the goodies. Then he and I would eat them all. Her favorite spot, the dishwasher, lasted the longest as a hiding place. We weren't very helpful as kids and never did the dishes. She finally got wise and hid them in her room or in her car.

Mom started hiding food when she was a kid. She and her sister would get a goody, and mom would hide it until her sister was done, then bring her food out to torture her sister with it. They laugh over stories like that now, but I kinda think it shows the sickness she had with food from an early age.

And, of course I learned from her, and I'd hide food under my bed and eat it when everyone else was asleep. I always wondered why she didn't notice. But, then again, between my brother and his friends and me and mine, she probably thought we were all to blame. :eek:

Eh! Why is food such an addiction!?

DD and I were talking about her choices at school last night and she asked if she could get lemonade at school. I told her maybe on Fridays, but Mon-Thur get the milk or Water. I told her that this isn't about NEVER having these foods again, but not having them every day.

[Gone4Now 4]

And, I'd like to add what a bummer it is that my brother isn't fat. WTH? Why didn't he have issues with food like I did? He had a chubby phase, then moved right along into adulthood w/no weight issues.

Which reminds me...DH decided 2 weeks ago to watch his calories and dropped 10 pounds since then.

WTH?!

[green 6]

And, I'd like to add what a bummer it is that my brother isn't fat. WTH? Why didn't he have issues with food like I did? He had a chubby phase, then moved right along into adulthood w/no weight issues.

Which reminds me...DH decided 2 weeks ago to watch his calories and dropped 10 pounds since then.

WTH?!

Sadly, fat isn't just a matter of caloric intake; it is also a question of genetics. Some folks get more miles to the gallon, which was an environmental advantage at one point in prehistory. My kid brother and I were the two fatties in my family and my middle brother looked like a famine victim. Both my parents were slender but there were fatsos in the family tree. My kid bro and I had genetic bad luck in this department. (We also both got cancer, damnit!)

[Gone4Now 4]

My friends get grumpy with me when I talk about "when I get cancer". All in my immediate family circle who has passed away, has died from cancer. Everyone. The ones living, older than me, have had some form of it. Even my brother had skin cancer cells removed. Some because they smoked, and others - well, just cause. No rhyme or reason to it, so I figured I'll get it, too...it's just a matter of time. For some reason, folks don't like to hear that, or understand why I feel the way I do. They like to tell me I could get hit by a bus instead. Gee, thanks...that's helpful.

But, assuming I don't get hit by a bus, I think genetically, I'm prone to cancer. Which, like you Green, is kind of a bummer. I mean, I've been fat, can't I skip the cancer part?

Why couldn't everyone be like my cousins by marriage who are thin, pretty, and healthy? With good teeth, too, damn it.

At the risk of sounding like my 11-year old...not fair!

[green 6]

I once went to a giant charity sale and bought myself a pair of gorgeous Armani trousers for 10 bucks. They didn't fit, too small, and I used to joke that I was going to hang on to them, that they would fit me after I got cancer. Well, sure enough, they did. (One of my current wisecracks is that cancer is very slimming....)

My friends have been used to putting up with my tasteless, black sense of humour and so I have been able to get away with making cancer jokes among others for years now. Even before I was aware that my kid brother (who died) and I were prone to it genetically, I liked making jokes. I think that being able to make jokes about dark subjects is very important to those of us with bleak senses of humour. It helps us come to terms with our possible fates.

You are right, Gloucester, being dealt the fat gene and the prone to cancer gene is a double bummer. And you should be permitted to make as many wisecracks as you want to. Tell them that Green said so. You should also get regular check ups. That is what I tell the other brother to do.