Anyone divorce after lapband?

[TheGh0st 9]

Nora - Very interesting. I'm just coming up to the 3 year mark next month myself.

I've always felt I would never cheat on my spouse no matter what, even though I had friends who did and had even understood the whys and hows that had led to it. But neither your comments or my acceptance of my friends infidelities have made it any easier now that I'm on the verge of doing something myself.

Logically I don't want to hurt my husband, son or my overall life situation but emotionally I'm struggling almost minute by minute to keep myself in control. I keep finding myself daydreaming about ways to get out of the house to a club or bar and see if someone might make a pass at me. I've even fantasized about random men I've seen walking down the street or mowing their lawns.

Worse yet there is one guy in particular that I've been feeling a chemistry with the last couple weeks. He is completely the wrong kind of guy for me and I have no illusions of love for him just pure lust. There have been nights I've barely slept just thinking about the possibilities (good and bad) of something happening with him. I actually spent over half of Church last week thinking up ways to get some alone time with him on the chance he would try something and the other half praying and bereting myself to stop thinking such horrible thoughts (especially in the middle of Church!)

What is wrong with me?!!!

[juliegeraci 7]

Just wanted to give you all an update. I asked my husband for a divorce last night. We talked about the kids, the house, his job, etc. He wants to relocate 3.5 hours North of where we live. We use to live up there 3 years ago in the country/lake area. I told him I really need for him to stay local for a while so I can get our oldest one through high school. He starts his sophomore year this year. I can do the 2 hour commute with the youngest every other weekend when he does move (1/2 way commute) and he can spend more time during the Summer with him so that is good. Our house has depreciated $200 k in the last 1.5 years due to the economy so we can't sell it right now. I asked him to wave alimoney and child support (I make more Money) so we can keep the house as a write off. I am told that the only way to get the spouse off of the house is to refi, but we can't do that right now. So if he can give me some money each month we can both write off the house. There is a lot of transition happening right now with him being unemployed for 9 months. So the priority is for him to find solid work, get some counseling, work with an attorney, etc. I am really happy with this decision. It is so nice to know I have lapband friends out there that understand. Julie

[MiniVanMommy 0]

Hi Julie

I admire your bravery....Can we PM? I am new here and believe I can relate to your story.

Patty

[areellady 1]

Juli, hugs to you!!

[juliegeraci 7]

Thank you all.

[TheGh0st 9]

Yes, hugs from me as well. I'm glad it sounds like your husband and you are handling it calmly.

[Esmeralda 2]

Its hard but if you are going to be happy its all worth it, you can't spend your life living with someone your not happy with. Good luck

[tapshoes 2]

I am sure it was a difficult decision; my thoughts are with you.

[O2BThinAgain 0]

Julie,

Congrats to you to work up the courage to start living again. My situation is similar, yet different.

I've been with my husband, who is a Paul also, for 21 years (17 married) with 2 children (13 & 9). He's a great father, quite handsome, but ~like you~ more like my best friend/brother now.

It all started when I was pregnant with my first child. I quite smoking and gained 95 pounds. I had already gained 20 from when we were married (seeing a thin wife was a big deal to him). I lost 40 pounds after delivery, but could never get back down. I tried everything, but just seemed to hover between 195 and 220. Of course, after having a baby, life changed. I worked part time for the first year (which he loathed) and quite packing his lunch, as I was too busy getting the babies food together to take to daycare. We had another baby 4 years later. I went back to work 6 weeks thereafter. I commuted about 1 hour each way.

During one of our heated discussions, he walked out the front door & told me that he wasn't attracted to me anymore, that I stunk & I was ugly, that he didn't love me anymore and couldn't wait for the kids to get older so that he could divorce my ass! I've NEVER forgotten that.....

We've done lots of fun things together, but we've really grown apart. There's no emotional or physical support. He was there for me for my banding, but wasn't really thrilled that I had it done. I also had breast reduction surgery at the same time. Our love life has never been great (he's hardly ever truly satisfied me).....I used to call it my bi-annual event. Now it's not even an annual event! Sometimes I think I "settled" for someone that didn't quite meet my expectations. He's a good worker but I always made more money than him until the past couple of years.

He travels a lot for work, often internationally, so I'm home & working while he's out seeing the world. We only go camping for vacations, which have grown fewer. I'm great at a lot of things, but I suck at budgeting. Which is partly his fault because I've been the one to buy everything for the house & kids for years.

He called me 2 weeks ago and said that he couldn't take it anymore, he cancelled our vaction to the beach (we were leaving the next day & he hates the beach anyway) and that he wanted a divorce. I said that, to be honest, we really haven't been happy and that we loved each other but that we weren't in love anymore and I said "That's fine with me. Let's just do it!". He proposed to me over the phone, he may as well divorce me over the phone too.

I'm tired of feeling unloved and unwanted. I get no emotional/physical attention. I get more love from my children than I have gotten from him in years! I've lost over 53 pounds and I'm feeling beautiful again (great timing). I'm busy packing up the house (as 99% of everything is stuff I paid for) and we're putting the house up on the market this week. I just want to be happy and sexually satisfied & feel like my feelings count for something. I want someone to hold hands with and go to amusement parks with and to golf with or to go to the beach with or to shop with. Someone to make mad-passionate love with. Someone that's more compatible and not so damn judgmental of me! Am I asking for too much?

Julie, we have a lot in common....divorce after banding is probably not such a bad thing, as we're becoming "hot to trot", eh? It's time to take care of our feelings now.

[Ang1982 4]

Julie, *hugs for you* and good for you for taking the steps you need to be truly happy.

O2b, *hugs for you as well* I cannot believe what your soon to be exhusband said to you. It sounds like you too are doing the right thing.

I admire both of your bravery and courage and with you the best of luck.

[tapshoes 2]

. I just want to be happy and sexually satisfied & feel like my feelings count for something. I want someone to hold hands with and go to amusement parks with and to golf with or to go to the beach with or to shop with. Someone to make mad-passionate love with. Someone that's more compatible and not so damn judgmental of me! Am I asking for too much?.

Nope, not too much ask at all!

[Cathrine Ray 0]

WOW!!!!! I'm speachless.....You are a brave girl.....Lots of layers....WOW!!!!!!

[juliegeraci 7]

Thanks everyone. I just love my lapband friends. I wanted to give you an update. Paul is trying to find a job so he can move out. Hopefully that will happen in the next few months. I still do want a divorce. I have been crying a lot because I do feel like I am loosing a part of myself. We have been together 14 years through a lot. He is my very best friend, but nothing more. I really am praying that we can both move on quickly. My kids are doing great through the transition. I attended a new church with them yesterday which they seem to enjoy. So right now the focus is on a job so he can move out. I relate to all of you. I just can't wait to feel safe in my space again. Julie

[O2BThinAgain 0]

I'm happy for you that things are moving along. I've been packing our house like crazy, every evening & all weekend long! I cry also, but not so much for getting a divorce. I cry more because I let myself last this long without having much physical/emotional attention and for allowing my feelings to get hurt so often. My Paul (well, my soon to be estranged Paul) is also like my best friend/roommate, but nothing more there either....well, except for the fact that he IS the father of my children! We've always had a better relationship over the phone than in person. Wierd.

I'll keep you in my prayers and hope that he finds a job.

Also, GREAT JOB on your weight loss! You've got to be so incredibly proud of yourself. Way to go girlfriend!!!!

[juliegeraci 7]

Thank you for your post. I feel really good about my decision.