Imposter's Syndrome

Julie_Dizz · June 1, 2005

Okay... so I have to know... am I the **only** one that feels this way -->

I am smaller than I have ever been in my adult life. Actually, I'm smaller than I was in 6th grade by a good 10 pounds. As excited as I am about being a "normal" size, I have this underlying, low-level, chronic anxiety. Sometimes I feel like a size 26/28 woman who's hiding in a size 12/14 body. Is that the weirdest?

There are times when I'm shopping in the misses section, and I get this feeling like some arrogant sales associate is going to come over to me, tap me impatiently on the shoulder and say, "ahem.... don't you think you're in the WRONG department?"

I sometimes have this fear that a person is going to call me out for the fat person I am. I mean, I'm 43 year old, and I have NEVER been a normal size. My lowest weight as an adult was 220lbs (in college, after a liquid diet). It's like my body lost weight, but my brain has not.

If I see my reflection in the mirror, I stop and look... not because I'm stuck on myself, but because I just can't believe that is ME! I can forget that I'm actually "thin" until my reflection reminds me. It is still a shock, at times, to look at myself in a mirror and see that new face. I even saw a picture recently, knew I was at the event, and couldn't find myself.... because I was looking for the FAT girl.

That's imposter's syndrome. Does it ring a bell with anyone? I'd love to hear how you cope with it.

Hugs,

Julie

Cooperstown, NY

banded 5-19-04

highest ever - 330lbs

day of surgery - 273lbs

Today - 172lbs

Highest BMI - 53

Today - 26

burnsun · June 1, 2005

If you figure it out please tell me- because I feel the same way.

the best me · June 1, 2005

I can't WAIT to have this problem! Great post, Julie. I'm anxoius to see the replies here.

Stacey1985 · June 1, 2005

i was the same way.. i had gotten down to a size 10 about 3-4 years ago from a size 26/28 and I still figured myself as fat. I look at pictures from back then now and i'm amazed I thought that way. It's a phsychological issue, being overweight your whole life you're accustomed to these thoughts, and it's hard to get them from popping up all the time.

La_madam · June 1, 2005

I feel the same way, when I am out shopping I find myself gravitating to the plus size department, I can not seem to get away from it even though I am now a size 10,

Julie_Dizz · June 1, 2005

Wow.... I am so grateful that, at least in this instance, I am not terminally unique! I would love to know from those who have had long-term weight loss if this resolves its self. I mean, I was obese for 43 years. Is it going to take "years" to get used to my new body... or will this just become my new normal in a short time?

I also gravitate toward the plus sized department. I have to make a conscious effort to walk over to the misses side of the store. And, then, like I said, I feel like an imposter that is going to get "caught." I never knew that I would have to "learn" how to be thinner. It was always such a goal that I thought it would be a piece of cake (Oh... wait... not cake... uh... a piece of celery... ROFL).

Hugs,

porclndoll · June 1, 2005

Julie...I have a ways to go before I find out if I have this problem or not. I dunno. My expectation is after I lose weight the closette exobitionist in me will come out!! I hate clothes...would rather be naked....but because of my body I hide behind all these clothes...big shirts, baggy sweaters, jackets...holy moly I could pave a road to China with all the extra material I have hidden behind. I fully expect when I get down to a "normal" size....the less clothes I have on the better off I will be!!! I will want to flaunt what I haven't been able to EVER....well, I have once or twice but not without some sort of shame I hope I don't get overwhelmed with what your are talking about...Imposters Syndrome. I expect, my Imposters Syndrome is the complete opposite. Im a skinny girl in a fat girls body!!! Cant wait to get there to find out! Im on my way -23 pounds since surgery...-33 all together.

TALK TO YOU LATER

vinesqueen · June 1, 2005

I can't comment about feeling like an imposter on the weight issue because I've lost "only" 25 pounds. I do feel like a professional imposter sometimes becaue it is "just me." One of the guys in my lab laughed at me when I tried to denigh that I was a guru. He said that I just need to take the money and smile.

I figure that if I can do something then it isn't any big deal. Everyone should be able to do what I do... It is entirly likely that once I reach my goal I'll feel like an imposter. We shall have to wait and see...

Alexandra · June 1, 2005

I sometimes have this fear that a person is going to call me out for the fat person I am. I mean, I'm 43 year old, and I have NEVER been a normal size. My lowest weight as an adult was 220lbs (in college, after a liquid diet). It's like my body lost weight, but my brain has not.

Julie, I think we're twins!! I'm 43 and have also NEVER been a normal size. My lowest weight as an adult was 230 lbs, after a liquid diet, but I was 28 years old at the time. I'm now wearing sizes I could never have imagined...when I see the "L" on the label for my new raincoat I am always taken aback and sure it's not mine.

I really can relate to every aspect of your post. Just this morning I was looking at myself in the office bathroom mirror, amazed that the lines of my body are essentially vertical, instead of roly-poly with lots of spare tires. The word "slender" popped into my mind for a split second, though I know that's laughable when applied to me.

I'm a good 50 pounds away from what anyone would call my "ideal" weight, and I'm not in any hurry to lose more right now. Part of the reason is the disconnect you're feeling. That liquid diet taught me one thing, at least, that body image really does inform our self-identity and changes that come too quickly can be harmful in more ways than one. If it takes me another 5 years to lose the next 50 lbs, maybe by then I'll be ready to accept myself as a "slender" person. My friends and family are still wigging out about how I look now, so they'll benefit from more time to adjust as well. It'll be nice when they can stop expressing surprise about me.

Zoe · June 1, 2005

I'm with you, Julie (and Alex)! Check out the parallel thread on body dysmorphic disorder: http://lapbandtalk.com/showthread.php?t=4736. I won't repeat my rantings from that thread... but I had the same experience as Alex yesterday when I hung up a new size L blouse and thought I must have grabbed the wrong hanger. I'm hoping when I lose another 20 lbs. or so that I won't be so confused.