Which type are you?

BJean · June 26, 2008

I was excited when the discussion spoke to depression and depression as it affects overeating. There were a couple of awesome posts about that!!

Jachut · June 26, 2008

Sades, I believe I have tried to make the distinction between true mental illness, which I do not have the arrogance to even pretend I know all about and basic personality weaknesses, flaws, destructive behaviours, whatever you want to call them.

I didnt *really* start this thread as a public dressing down of BrandyII, although her name came up several times. Sadly on this board there are about 1000 people just like her. Its intriguing, its a chicken and egg thing. Do obese people share a specific set of personality traits or do these develop as a result of being obese?

this is R&R, its made clear the contents may be offensive to you or challening or whatever. I'm allowed to say what I did here and I said it to voice my own frustration, which is borne of the fact that I still would like support and companionship in my weight maintenance efforts but maybe I've changed, maybe the board has, but I'm not longer finding it here. Most of what I find just makes me roll my eyes these days.

Now, I believe we'd kind of worked through that here, and come to some sort of less aggressive, more productive discussion. I had realised that this is a weight loss board to support people losing weight and that the fact that I'm now maintaining and looking for different things is really not the fault of people here and the fact tht the life at goal board is pretty non active is testimony to the fact that other people have reached this conclusion less publically than I have and simply moved on.

Sadly, I've decided that there's some people for whom the band is just not going to be that successful unless they do a lot of work on themselves. Silly me for caring, for wanting to share what I've learned along the way. Yet what's the point? I know if I went back and found all my posts from 3 years ago, they would sound nothign like a lot of these ones.

Now I'm sorry that my public sorting out of these issues has offended you so much. You can start your own thread about arrogent goalers thinking they know it all perhaps? Although if you could point me to where I said I wanted to be everyone's hero, I'd be grateful. If you think about it from the other side of the coin, it seems to be a huge crime around here to actually open your mouth once you're a normal weight, sooner or later in any thread you're hit with abuse for being a show off, you're called obsessed or anorexic, or you're told your opinion doesnt count because you dont understand what being fat is like. It ALWAYS comes down to that in the end and thank you for saving everyone else the trouble.

Now on a final note, just to clarify, I do not wish to pretend in any way that I hold the solution to people's mental health struggles. I am not in ANY way referring to clinical depression, post natal depression or any other mental health disorders - I'm referring to negative pains in the bums who mostly cause their own problems.

Sades · June 26, 2008

Hijacked this thread, yes maybe I did but what about the people who hijacked the "Self Esteem" thread. All I am saying is people need to be less judgemental and more compassionate whatever their beliefs are. I haven't agreed on 100% of Brandy's thoughts etc but I'm not going to start a thread that totally bashes her. Get real, this is child's play not something mature people do. All I asked is take a step back and see that how you respond to life situations is your way and that you can't ram it down someone's throat who isn't ready to live their life as you have chosen. When I get to goal weight (which I will), I won't be able to say that I did it without falling by the wayside at times. Maybe Brandy will get there eventually and will look back at this and say, geez maybe they were right but not right now, so leave the woman alone. Sorry but I've continued to hijack the thread. Exit right stage.

Sades · June 26, 2008

or is it left stage ?? :blushing:)

Jachut · June 26, 2008

Sades, I didnt hijack that thread. I made a comment that I didnt think obesity and good self esteem were mutually exclusive but that I did feel better for having overcome some of my less attractive behaviours. I didnt feel good about the way I was living my life or looking after myself.

Would you please enlighten me as to how that is inappropriate in a self esteem thread? How is that rude, aggressive or inappropriate? It was Brandy herself who jumped on that and got hysterical, accusing me of saying that you could not be fat and have any self esteem and what a shame I had such deep seated self loathing. She started that one, clearly. I responded. She pointed out it was a mental health thread and what was I doing posting there anyway? I apoligised, said I'd not realised as I'd simply hit new posts. She kept ranting. I suggested it was not appropriate here as she herself had pointed out, and out of respect to the other posters we should call it quits and take it to R&R. The thread got back on track and I went to R&R. She didnt.

Now as you sound somewhat histerical yourself, could i point out that we havent been speaking about BrandyII for quite some time and its YOU that's brought her back into the conversation?

Sades · June 26, 2008

Jacqui, I know this is an R&R thread and that is why I didn't post on it from the beginning. Of course I couldn't help reading it though but the more I saw, the more it disturbed me. I don't think you understand that people don't have to be clinically depressed to have emotional issues. As Brandy said, it's more likely self esteem which stops people moving forward and different times throughout this journey... and it is a journey. Many people think your achievements are great, as I do but my point is that it's the harsh things you have said about people on here and people you know in the outside world. I am a survivor and I get up every day and live my life the best I can. Most days I'm fine, happy, etc but when those other days come by, it is a struggle, just as losing weight is. I'm happy with what I've lost so far but I know I could be doing better. I'm not going to slap myself around because of it though so naturally I wouldn't want someone on here to do it for me. I have read posts on this forum which have made me want to scream as well but I refuse to put people down for it. I also understand that it's frustrating to see that people don't do the work and blame the band but again that's where they're at. There are 100s who don't agree and have proven this on here. I wish now I hadn't gotten involved in this thread and apologise one more time for hijacking it. Cheers.

Sades · June 26, 2008

It was what came after your first post. Yes Brandy carried on as well but it left a yukkie taste in my mouth. I'm not an overly nice person, I have my ups and downs but I try hard to let people be. I guess I'm someone who thinks they have to make an injustice right which is why I finally responded.

Sades · June 26, 2008

Actually I lied I am a nice person but have bad moments like a lot of people. Don't want to be tainted as the not nice person !! :blushing:) Off to work now, so have a good day (or night) everyone. Cheers.

Jachut · June 26, 2008

I realise people have emotional issues. This thread has made me realise that those are real. I still have little time for it, I'm harsh, yes, but I dont surround myself in life with needy people. I can feel some compassion for it, sure, but its not something I want or need to get involved with. I'm happy with myself, my outlook AND most importantly I believe I'm raising strong, resilient children who respond to life from an emotionally stable base.

My point has always been that these emotional issues result from thought and behaviour patterns that can be changed. I dont deny you may need professional help to change them. The issue that frustrates me SO much is that people wont acknowledge that. They refuse to see any destructive or non productive behaviours as something they can do something about, preferring instead to see themselves as the victim of it. These people are gaining something out of behaving that way to the point where they get very aggressive (or passive agressive in Brandy's case) when challenged on it.

They dont WANT to change it, they dont WANT to do anything about it. They just want to cry about it and lap up the attention.

Do people with emotional problems annoy me? No. Do people with emotional problems that exploit them to excuse their own choices or to seek attention from all and sundry annoy me? Yes. There's a huge difference there.

You yourself are failing to make that distinction now. Its a really important one.

And why does it even matter to anyone here what annoys me? Because its my thread, I started it and if people want to respond its coz they're interested, not because I'm forcing them to.

Dont worry about hijacking the thread. Its R&R. You'll feel better after you've had a good temper tantrum over it, I certainly do.

*JASMINE* · June 26, 2008

And why does it even matter to anyone here what annoys me? Because its my thread, I started it and if people want to respond its coz they're interested, not because I'm forcing them to.

No, we are responding because you are talking specifically about other members of this support forum. Even in R&R, there should be some rule about that. This isn't highschool. I'm a member of the other lapband site you initially mentioned, as well. They would definitely never tolerate this type of thread over there.

Jachut · June 26, 2008

Ah, where was Brandy's name mentioned in that first post? How did you know it was about someone specific? It isnt by the way. She's come up, sure, and she was what fired me up, but like I said, there's 1000 other people on this board that are on the same ride.

If you werent hanging around vicariously watching the action like some sort of voyeaur, how would you have known? You've sought it out and gotten involved quite deliberately so save the moralising.

I wouldnt post this at B2G - its a much more positive place without these issues, so there'd be no need. This has honestly never struck me there.

Edited June 26, 2008 by Jachut

Jachut · June 26, 2008

And I just didn't see it as "tough love" it stank more like gloating and sneering much of the time.

I'd like to address this too. whilst there's definitely been some nasty tones here, from myself, and others because I'm fed up with things, I can put my hand on my heart and say honestly that in BrandyII's lapband failure thread, I absolutely NEVER gloated or sneered. I was motivated purely by frustration and a desire to help her see what she was doing to herself. If you honestly go through thread again right from the beginning, you'll see that.

If you read that BJ, it says more about your own outlooks than it does mine.

Flipper · June 26, 2008

I have lurked on this site for about a year and a half. Had my band in Feb of 07. I have learned a lot and this is my very first post here. I have lost 112lbs with about 20 more to go.

When I am not loosing I know why. Not enough moving of the body and not watching my food intake as close. Now I might say to myself I don't know what is up with the scale, then I come on here and ready about someone having a plateau after only 3 weeks of being banded. I read about someone having their band for 7 months and not understanding why they have only lost 20lbs. I read "I think I have eat something I shouldn't have" and they had their band 5 days ago. YIKES...............................I think to myself, get real.

In my opinion "it is what it is". It isn't what you want it to be, it isn't what it might be, it isn't what it use to be and it isn't what it was.

By the way I was very abused growing up. I have a sister and 2 brothers. All of them use the past as an excuse to their lives. I made a promise to myself when I was very, very young that I wanted to live a different life. Now it has taken me a lot of years to figure it out. I was almost 300lbs for the past 30 years. I am 47 years old and think I "might" have finally figured some of it out.

To me this is the most thought provoking thread I have read. Of course since I have lurked for so long I feel like I know most of you. Reading this tread has made me give so much thought to all of the comments. Now since I have never posted I might get someone mad over this but here it goes..................Unless YOU are ready to put in the effort and redirect certain things in your life, nothing will work. I say this from personal experience. I have blamed everyone but me for a long time. I stopped that and decided to fix the problem and try to live the rest of my life not waking up at 3am everynight crying because I didn't like my life or myself. It wasn't my life it was me. I am still "shocked" at how much "work" this band journey has been. I thought I would get the band, eat 1/2 cup, get my band really tight and get really skinny and all of it really, really FAST. NOPE.................So much work, but worth it.

So I agree mostly that you only get out of the band what you are willing to put into it and if I don't do what I am suppose too, the only person I am cheating is myself. Wow, that actually sounds like what happens in real life too.

Flipper

Ninja · June 26, 2008

Great, great post, Flipper. Many congratulations on all your success, both with losing your weight and with figuring it out.

anonemouse · June 26, 2008

Bear with me, guys, as I'm thinking as I type and trying to word things in the least-offensive manner possible. Here goes:

Is it really our responsibility to try and keep someone here if they aren't getting something out of being here? If someone doesn't seem to be getting the type of help they are wanting here, why do we seem to want to do everything in our power to keep them from leaving? To put it simply, this isn't the only band board out there and it can't fulfill every single person's needs. Yes, it would mean losing a member, but if they are obviously not receiving what they need from the board or its members (whatever that need is), would that person leaving really be a loss to either them or us?

For example, there have been a lot of threads here in RnR lately, talking about the people that are constantly complaining about their bands, cheating on their diets, etc. Would the loss of those members (the members that seem to be bragging about screwing up or the ones that seem to be constantly focused on their own failure, not the ones that made the posts complaining about them) really harm the board so much? Or would it, in reality, help the board in the long run? If they aren't getting what they need from the board, why try to keep them here, alienating other members in the process?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we can't help everyone, especially if they aren't ready to take help when it's offered. And eventually, it gets to a point where it drags everyone else down to try. So if they feel like they need to leave, why should we over-extend ourselves to try and keep them here? I'm not trying to say that we should just tell them, "don't let the door hit your ass on the way out," but hopefully you guys get what I am trying to say. I would personally rather that they find a board that CAN help them, rather than them staying somewhere that obviously isn't giving them what they need to succeed.