Betrayal is a BITCH

[heartfire 4]

hey there Tina, I just wanted you to know that you inspired me so much that I am nearly 4-weeks away from my divorce being final. Your story helped me to take a long look at my own situation and to realize that it wasn't going to change unless I made a change. I feel like I have taken back control of my life and I really do owe it to you. You were so brave to take the step and your inner strength is amazing. I'm so glad that things are going well for you. :thumbup:

Tami

Tami, best wishes to you in your new journey!!! And good for you for taking a hard look at things and making the necessary changes. That is such a hard thing to do!

[mumof2boys 71]

Well guys...I did it again...the 2009 3 Day Walk is a memory for me...it was quite a journey...I only got one blister but I got one hell of a shin splint that hurts like you would not believe. The pain will go away but the memory of the event will last forever. I met some amazing people. Doing the walk by myself was interesting but it was all worth it. I still have quite a bit of fundraising to do...I fell $900 short of the minimum so I have 4 weeks to come up with it or I have to pay it...YIKES...I have faith that I can work it out though.

Tami...good for you...I wish that I could say that I was only 4 short weeks away from a divorce....things have taken an ugly turn for me...things that we discussed have changed. He kept asking me to type up a settlement agreement so we could get the ball rolling...I did that he he agreed to nothing in the document...he went back on every single thing that he said before and now he even wants half of my retirement (which, unfortunately he is entitled to). I wish that I could just blink my eyes and be divorced and live my life but it looks like I have quite the road ahead of me. Best wishes to you and I'm glad that you are doing what is best for you.

Well guys...I'm sore as heck so I'm taking it easy and gonna gear up for the 2010 walk. I'm going to continue to do these walks until my old body just can't take it anymore. The experience is incredible and worth all the pain involved. Thanks to everyone who supported my fundraising efforts with donations and thanks to all of those who wished me luck. You guys are the best.

[heartfire 4]

Tina, congratulations on the walk! Yikes on the fundraising!

Okay, so your ex must have gotten a lawyer b/c that is just so typical! See what the other one has and go for at least 1/2 of it in spite of what was previously agreed too. JERK! And I don't see how, since you're the one he stepped out on, he can get ANYTHING!!!! He's the one that started all of this crap! UGH!!!!

As always, best wishes to you and lots of hugs!

Edited October 14, 2009 by heartfire
forgot a letter!

[SuzanneG 1]

Tina, have you talked to your lawyer about this. I agree with Heartfire, I think if you can prove infidelity then he gets nadda! Let us know!

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

Hi Tina,

Good for you for doing the walk! And even better that you're thinking about preparing early for the 2010 walk - you go girl!

Read about your drama with the ex and the divorce settlement / paperwork. What a jerk! :eek: But then, I guess we shouldn't be surprised...:w00t::scared2:

Check with the local Women's centers - they may have either advocates or be able to refer you to someone who can handle the divorce for you at no or low cost. Because of his infidelity, I don't think many courts would award him ANYTHING...in fact, because YOU are the injured spouse, YOU should recover - but that's just my heart talking, I have no legal training for that.

You might also google do-it-yourself divorce - there may be some checklists or resources you can find to help you prepare for a meeting with an attorney. I would also check with any single parent's groups in the area - many of them know of divorce lawyers. You want a real bulldog - someone who will fight for YOU and for your children. :wink2:

Let us know how you're doing! :w00t:

[mumof2boys 71]

Good morning, my friends...lots going on. So...the soon to be ex husband is really off of his rocker. We were attempting to be civil and do this divorce without involving attorneys but it's not going to happen. I guess trying to save money is out of the question. I have an appointment today at 2:00 with a lawyer. As far as infidelity goes...I can't divorce on those grounds anymore...in Maryland...once you are aware of the infidelity, if you have relations with that person after finding out, the courts view that as "forgiving" the other person and you cannot use that as a grounds for divorce. Well...I stayed with him for almost a year in an attempt to save the marriage so......you can all read between the lines.

Now...on another note...my life with my "friend" is absolutely fantastic...couldn't be better. I met his ex-wife last weekend as I was helping his daughter prepare for the Homecoming Dance. Everything went well. Now...to the drama...the crazy "stalker" chick is still around and doesn't show any signs of getting the hint. We're gonna have to figure out what to do with her...she's a damn mess.

Here's where it gets crazy...prior to meeting and hanging out with my "friend", I had been seeing a guy at my work. It was known from the start that he did not want a relationship (his exact words) so I thought things were fine. As time went on, I began to get attached to this person and have feelings for him. I started to back away because I didn't want to get hurt...he made it clear that he wasn't interested in a future that included children and as we all know...I have two of them and they are my world. He was very open and honest with me from the very beginning. So...I met my new "friend" and I told this guy that I was talking to someone else and we couldn't hang out. I cherish this guys friendship because he was there for me for some very difficult times. He's a very nice guy and I know he would do anything for me. So...last night, he opened up to me and told me that he had fallen in love with me but didn't know how to tell me. He said that he's not telling me that now to try to come between me and my new guy because all he wants for me is happiness...he said that he had distanced himself from me (prior to me meeting my new guy) because he was afraid to tell me his feelings because of the previous boundaries that were set from the beginning (by him). He said that he feels like he missed out on a very big opportunity in his life (being with me) and that he was willing to accept my children into his life. All of this information really took me off-guard and upset me. I had fallen for this guy but knew that nothing could come of it, only to find out now that he was feeling the same way....don't get me wrong...nothing is coming between me and my new guy. He is by far the best person in the world for me...he absolutely cherishes the ground that I walk on and I think the world of him but getting all of this information last night was pretty tough for me.

So...why is it that people don't want you until they know that they can't have you? Give me some insight here...all men comments are welcome...

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

Hi Tina! :thumbup:

Good morning, my friends...lots going on. So...the soon to be ex husband is really off of his rocker. We were attempting to be civil and do this divorce without involving attorneys but it's not going to happen. I guess trying to save money is out of the question. I have an appointment today at 2:00 with a lawyer. As far as infidelity goes...I can't divorce on those grounds anymore...in Maryland...once you are aware of the infidelity, if you have relations with that person after finding out, the courts view that as "forgiving" the other person and you cannot use that as a grounds for divorce. Well...I stayed with him for almost a year in an attempt to save the marriage so......you can all read between the lines.

Does that count for EVERY incidence of infidelity, or just the first one? Could you make a case that it was his repeated infidelity that caused the ultimate breakup of the marriage? Perhaps reviewing the timeline in your head would help - when was the last incident, and could that most recent one be used as the grounds for divorce? Repeated offending, so to speak? Ask your attorney - maybe there is something on the books to address repeated infidelity.

Now...on another note...my life with my "friend" is absolutely fantastic...couldn't be better. I met his ex-wife last weekend as I was helping his daughter prepare for the Homecoming Dance. Everything went well.

Yay! You are having such a good time, and I'm so happy for you! :smile2:

Now...to the drama...the crazy "stalker" chick is still around and doesn't show any signs of getting the hint. We're gonna have to figure out what to do with her...she's a damn mess.

Report her to the cops - they are taking that kind of stuff more seriously now, and maybe it will help her get the assistance she obviously needs...

Here's where it gets crazy...prior to meeting and hanging out with my "friend", I had been seeing a guy at my work. It was known from the start that he did not want a relationship (his exact words) so I thought things were fine. As time went on, I began to get attached to this person and have feelings for him. I started to back away because I didn't want to get hurt...he made it clear that he wasn't interested in a future that included children and as we all know...I have two of them and they are my world. He was very open and honest with me from the very beginning.

At least he was honest about that at the time...

So...I met my new "friend" and I told this guy that I was talking to someone else and we couldn't hang out. I cherish this guys friendship because he was there for me for some very difficult times. He's a very nice guy and I know he would do anything for me. So...last night, he opened up to me and told me that he had fallen in love with me but didn't know how to tell me.

WTF? Why NOW?

He said that he's not telling me that now to try to come between me and my new guy because all he wants for me is happiness...he said that he had distanced himself from me (prior to me meeting my new guy) because he was afraid to tell me his feelings because of the previous boundaries that were set from the beginning (by him).

Yeah, right...

He said that he feels like he missed out on a very big opportunity in his life (being with me) and that he was willing to accept my children into his life. All of this information really took me off-guard and upset me. I had fallen for this guy but knew that nothing could come of it, only to find out now that he was feeling the same way.

Too little, too late is my answer, but then I'm kinda "hard" about this sort of thing...

...don't get me wrong...nothing is coming between me and my new guy. He is by far the best person in the world for me...he absolutely cherishes the ground that I walk on and I think the world of him but getting all of this information last night was pretty tough for me.

You've got to be kidding me...what on earth made him decide NOW was the time to disclose all of this? Another example of when to keep one's mouth SHUT!

So...why is it that people don't want you until they know that they can't have you? Give me some insight here...all men comments are welcome...

I dunno, Tina - it seems that he couldn't face his feelings about you until you were happy with someone else. This is a distraction - a last-ditch attempt to make something happen. He wasn't sure of his own feelings, yet now he is?

Unfortunately, you may not be able to save the friendship - if he has these feelings for you and previously said he didn't tell you because he didn't want to cause "trouble" in your new relationship, then why did he say ANYTHING? I think perhaps something has changed with him, and he's now thinking that he let someone wonderful go (YOU!) and he's regretting the original altruistic stance he took.

It's also a funny sort of reality that people often don't know what they've got until someone else is interested...as long as you were "available" to him, he could take his time and sort through his feelings. You are no longer "available" so now it's come to a crisis point.

Let it be...don't entertain his conversation in that area, because it can only lead to trouble. If he really feels that way about you, it might be kinder to keep your distance for a while so he can sort through what he's feeling without the wonderful distraction of your physical presence. It's too bad he couldn't have come to this realization before you met your current guy!

Hopefully he'll work through his feelings and you'll be able to be friends at some point in the future, but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that...

Would love to know what others are thinking as well...

[plain 12]

So...why is it that people don't want you until they know that they can't have you? Give me some insight here...all men comments are welcome...

Well that's the question! Some people ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I think that says more about them than anything else. However, I'm not so sure that's what's going on in office dude's case. I agree w/ Ebony: the timing is certainly suspect.

Let's review. Office dude tells you flat out from the start that he doesn't want a relationship or to have anything to do with your kids. That's "guyspeak" for "I just want to have sex". So you meet somebody new, tell office dude and he now not only wants a relationship, he not only will accept your kids (weird that he said "accept", not "love" or "mentor" or anything like that.....but I digress), but that he is actually in love with you. And he spills all this only 3 months later?!? This sounds like a game to me (although I am an admitted pessimist), Tina.

[mumof2boys 71]

OK...so, I forgot to mention that today is office dudes last day working in my building. He won't even be working in DC anymore so it's most likely that I won't see him anymore unless he happens to come here for a visit or something. My new guy doesn't know about the discussions that me and office dude recently had because he already feels threatened by him because he works here and he feels that I will get back with him. If he knew that office dude told me that he was in love with me, all hell would break loose. So...today's his last day here...my new guy is having big anxieties today, thinking office dude is going to take me to lunch...even though I wouldn't go. So...I will be hiding out in my office all day long today. :thumbup:

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

Hi Tina!

OK...so, I forgot to mention that today is office dudes last day working in my building. He won't even be working in DC anymore so it's most likely that I won't see him anymore unless he happens to come here for a visit or something.

Yay! Clean break, move on...

My new guy doesn't know about the discussions that me and office dude recently had because he already feels threatened by him because he works here and he feels that I will get back with him. If he knew that office dude told me that he was in love with me, all hell would break loose.

Yep, and I can understand why...

So...today's his last day here...my new guy is having big anxieties today, thinking office dude is going to take me to lunch...even though I wouldn't go. So...I will be hiding out in my office all day long today. :thumbup:

It's kinda cute that he's worried - and it's GREAT that you have decided not to go...congrats, Tina - you've just about navigated that minefield and soon it won't be an issue any more. Perhaps the knowledge that he was leaving was what prompted office guy to spill his guts, so to speak, but again, too little, too late.

Keep reassuring your guy - a call from you around lunchtime to tell him what you're having AT YOUR DESK would be a great way to soothe his insecurities and give him a boost without actually TELLING him that's what you're doing. Since you don't plan to go to lunch with office guy anyway, you make your honey happy, you're happy, and office guy gets to do his goodbye lunch with someone else.

Clean break...that's what's best! :crying:

Side note: Isn't it great for the ego to be wanted?

[mumof2boys 71]

Well hello, hello, hello everyone! Long time...no talk. So...life has been pretty good despite the fact that my soon to be ex will not agree to any kind of separation agreement that I come up with so. So...went to an attorney yesterday (the highest priced one in my area) and I retained him. My ex will certainly wish that he had agreed to my paperwork when he gets served. Looks like he's gonna be pretty damn broke for about two years, until I have to sell the house. I'm not trying to bleed him out of money but it is what it is. So...looks like I'll be able to feed the kids afterall...lol

Things are going fantastic for me...he will be "served" with the paperwork probably the Monday after Thanksgiving. The attorney said that my divorce can be final in March. Once the paperwork is all done and everything is final and I'm divorced...I'm off to Vegas to celebrate...NO JOKE!!!!

So...my "friend" and I are getting along fantastic! He's so damn wonderful I can't even describe it. I'm getting excited about the upcoming holidays even though I don't have the money that I would like to have to buy Christmas gifts. It's alright though because as long as I get to spend time with family I will be alright.

Oh...did I tell everyone that I'm going to be an Aunt? My brother and sister-in-law are expecting in May and I couldn't be more excited. I will have a baby nephew and I can't wait. I have already started buying baby clothes.

I hope that everyone is doing well...just wanted to give a little shout out to everyone and let them know that I'm floating on cloud 9...legal paperwork is in the works and I'm happier than a kid in a candy store.

Oh...I have picked up a couple of pounds but I'm nipping that in the bud...started counting my calories again and working out...want to lose 13 pounds by Christmas...it can be done...NO...it WILL be done.

Well...I would love to hear how everyone else is doing!

[mumof2boys 71]

OMG...almost forgot...the ex is talking to "HER" again...the homewrecking whore...can you believe that? We still have a joint cell phone account and I was looking at his records the other day and sure enough...there was her cell phone number. I was numb...I couldn't believe it. He will NEVER change and I know for sure that my decision to end that horrible marriage was the right thing to do. Life is GREAT!

[heartfire 4]

Tina, sounds like things are going wonderfully! I'm so thrilled.

Good for you for getting an attorney! "Serves" him right! LOL!

Okay it wasn't THAT funny! :thumbup:

Good job nipping the weight gain in the bud and getting back on track! WTG!

Take good care and enjoy!

Hugs!!!

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

Hi Tina!:confused:

The ex deserves every crappy thing that happens to him...what a jerkwad! How DARE he? Just goes to show that you are right - you are SO much better off OUT of that relationship.

And it's good to hear you have an attorney who is going to make the ex do what he should...gotta love the pitbull attorneys!

So good to hear that you are doing well and your new guy is wonderful as always. I totally agree on getting back on track - I've been "stuck" for a little while again, and I know it's all my fault, so I'm gonna do that same. At least I'm not facing the same 10 - 15 lbs gain over the holidays that I used to have!

Congrats on being an Auntie! That's wonderful - gotta love new babies in the family!

Hope you and your family have a terrifically wonderful and safe and happy Thanksgiving! :scared2:

[mumof2boys 71]

Well hello everyone...it's been a long time. I hope that you all had a wonderful holiday. So...here's the downlow on me and my life as of today:

My (soon to be ex) husband was served with papers on December 12. He has 30 days to file an answer so I'm waiting to hear when that happens. I cannot get an "absolute" divorce until March, which is one year after he moved out of our residence. Believe me...I am counting down the minutes. I have the absolute greatest attorney in our county and I feel great about him representing me. I was very worried about my ability to afford everything on my own but after speaking to my attorney, my worries have subsided.

My Christmas was wonderful. It was a little weird without "him" there...not because I wanted him there at all, it was just different. I provided my children with a Christmas just like in the past (which I'm paying for now...OUCH). My youngest made me cry when he opened up his PSP...my boys are absolutely my world. Now...I was completely hooked up for Christmas like never before. You see...all of my past Christmas' consisted of gifts for me that I wrote on a list for my ex. He would go straight down the list, buy what was on there and nothing else...no thought put into anything, no meaning behind it. Now...this year was something really special. I never knew that it could be so good. I got clothes, jewelry, perfume and all kinds of things that I just LOVE. My "friend" was completely sent to me from up above.

New Year's Eve was also wonderful. My boys and I went to my "friends" relatives house for a party. We all had an absolute wonderful time. My 2010 started off with a bang.

What can I say...I am happier now than I have EVER been in my entire life. In two months I should be free from baby daddy drama (as much as possible) and I can begin living my life as a truly single mom.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever want to be a divorced woman but I know in my heart that I made the right decision. I was completely miserable in my marriage and just in it to survive and be a part of a family unit. I have realized that me and my boys can be happy, which makes life great. My boys just love my "friends" kids to death. We spend lots of time together and in fact my boys ask where they are on the weekends if they are not with us. They are always asking if they can come over and spend the night or if we can all go do something...it truly is wonderful.

Well...just thought that I would give a little update because it's been a while. I hope everyone is doing well and I hope to hear from you all. Thanks so much for all of your support and friendship throughout this difficult time. You guys truly rock!