So disappointed in people

[RainbowBrite57 153]

Although I read about other people in our lives not being supportive or downright jealous of us having our surgeries, it sure hurts when it happens to you. I'm especially surprised with how my co-workers are treating me. I'm a happy-go-lucky person who's always willing to lend a hand to people I care about & I am very tenderhearted as well so this is hitting me especially hard.

My co-workers are being rude when asked about covering my shifts while I'm off for surgery. I work at a little library with a small amount of staff and our jobs are really not that stressful so it's not like they are going to have to expend a whole bunch of energy or break a sweat working my shift. A group of co-workers even approached our director expressing "concern" that the surgery is too dangerous and that I shouldn't have it done which really baffled me since no one ever brought that up with me. Now I know that they just don't want to cover for me & are worried I'll be out longer that anticipated. I came in on Monday walking on a cloud because I finally got my surgery date & no one could be bothered to show any enthusiasm at all.

I have a co-worker who I've worked with for 5 years & I considered her to be one of my best friends. I've planned her work bridal shower and baby showers. I went to the hospital to see her first-born. She gripes constantly about her husband & I'm right there supporting her. We've done plenty of stuff together socially as well, so she's not just a work friend. In the past I've asked her for very small favors here & there and she's rarely helped me out but I asked so infrequently that it never really bothered me. I, of course, have helped her happily whenever she needed me. Well, her true colors are shining now that the surgery is approaching. I've been careful not to talk her ear off about the surgery because I can see that being super annoying. Whenever I bring it up now she just grunts in response and goes right back to talking about herself. I've asked her for two small favors in regards to the surgery and she's too inconvenienced to do either one. I am really, really hurt by her actions.

Another friend is acting jealous & responded to the news of my surgery with "I'll be interested to see how it goes for you". I haven't told friends on social media yet and now I'm definitely not going to. This will be a road I walk down with my husband on one side & my mom on the other cheering me on. I'll be just fine and I will succeed in spite of everyone's attitudes towards this huge step in my life. I'm really glad I found this community & I'm really glad you've read this far! Thanks for letting me vent!

[Sky _B 21]

1 hour ago, RainbowBrite57 said:

Although I read about other people in our lives not being supportive or downright jealous of us having our surgeries, it sure hurts when it happens to you. I'm especially surprised with how my co-workers are treating me. I'm a happy-go-lucky person who's always willing to lend a hand to people I care about & I am very tenderhearted as well so this is hitting me especially hard.

My co-workers are being rude when asked about covering my shifts while I'm off for surgery. I work at a little library with a small amount of staff and our jobs are really not that stressful so it's not like they are going to have to expend a whole bunch of energy or break a sweat working my shift. A group of co-workers even approached our director expressing "concern" that the surgery is too dangerous and that I shouldn't have it done which really baffled me since no one ever brought that up with me. Now I know that they just don't want to cover for me & are worried I'll be out longer that anticipated. I came in on Monday walking on a cloud because I finally got my surgery date & no one could be bothered to show any enthusiasm at all.

I have a co-worker who I've worked with for 5 years & I considered her to be one of my best friends. I've planned her work bridal shower and baby showers. I went to the hospital to see her first-born. She gripes constantly about her husband & I'm right there supporting her. We've done plenty of stuff together socially as well, so she's not just a work friend. In the past I've asked her for very small favors here & there and she's rarely helped me out but I asked so infrequently that it never really bothered me. I, of course, have helped her happily whenever she needed me. Well, her true colors are shining now that the surgery is approaching. I've been careful not to talk her ear off about the surgery because I can see that being super annoying. Whenever I bring it up now she just grunts in response and goes right back to talking about herself. I've asked her for two small favors in regards to the surgery and she's too inconvenienced to do either one. I am really, really hurt by her actions.

Another friend is acting jealous & responded to the news of my surgery with "I'll be interested to see how it goes for you". I haven't told friends on social media yet and now I'm definitely not going to. This will be a road I walk down with my husband on one side & my mom on the other cheering me on. I'll be just fine and I will succeed in spite of everyone's attitudes towards this huge step in my life. I'm really glad I found this community & I'm really glad you've read this far! Thanks for letting me vent!

Awe.... I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It really sucks when the people who you thought were your true friends turns out they aren't. I'm not sure how old you are, but through out my years of experience with friends and family, I only have a handful of true friends/family left. I have been hurt by family/friends and stepped on. It sure does hurt. Don't let it bother you and just do you! I know it is easier said then done. As you get older you will come to realize that you don't need those people and negativity in your life. Once, it is gone you will find yourself so much happier. You have your husband and your mom and they are important and for what you wrote about them you have their full support. That is what matters most!.

What bothers me most about what your co workers did, was approaching your director about their "concerns" regarding your surgery. First off, it is not any of their business what you decide to in your life. I feel that is crossing the line in an work environment. And I believe your director should have done something.

All in all I hope you feel better, think positive and good luck on your upcoming surgery! Update me!

[Lanie992 168]

I had ZERO supporters. None. Not one. No family or friends wanted me to do it. Everyone said it was too dangerous. One of my best friends told me - "just go the gym and not take the easy way out"... (as if this is easy, at all). I finally told everyone that I was going to do it regardless of what they think... and to just not talk about it with me at all, because I did not need their negativity.

I know you have the added stress of needing your shifts to be covered, so your situation is a lot worse. I would say to just completely avoid the subject with them, but then you do need to have some communication with them to be able to make sure your job is covered.

They really should NOT have gone to your director and said it was "too dangerous". That is over the line, in my opinion.

No advice really... besides I wouldn't talk about it on social media. People seem to be really against the surgery & all the negative comments can really make you feel alone and isolated... I was so depressed leading up to my surgery - I can not put it into words... all because of the lack of support and what I felt like was negativity... (although they said it was out of concern, which I believe them... but it still FELT like negativity to me).

Let us know how it goes.

[WishMeSmaller 1,274]

49 minutes ago, Sky _B said:

What bothers me most about what your co workers did, was approaching your director about their "concerns" regarding your surgery. First off, it is not any of their business what you decide to in your life. I feel that is crossing the line in an work environment. And I believe your director should have done something.

@RainbowBrite57 this is also what struck me with your story. This is something you should bring up with HR.

Sorry you are having to deal with this when you are excited to start this new chapter in your life. We are with YOU!

[BigSue 1,428]

So sorry your coworkers are being jerks. It was completely out of line for them to go to your director about their "concerns" about your surgery, and even worse if your director didn't tell them in no uncertain terms that your health and medical treatments are none of their business. If anyone has the nerve to say anything like that again, you are completely within your rights to say, "My medical decisions are not up for debate. Thanks for understanding!" I don't blame you for being disappointed. It sounds like you are surrounded by people who are happy to take advantage of your kindness but unwilling to give even a little to you. Crap like this is one of the many reasons I have not told anyone, not even my family, and certainly not my coworkers, about my surgery. I just said I was going on vacation.

[LaLaDee 519]

2 hours ago, Sky _B said:

Awe.... I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It really sucks when the people who you thought were your true friends turns out they aren't. I'm not sure how old you are, but through out my years of experience with friends and family, I only have a handful of true friends/family left. I have been hurt by family/friends and stepped on. It sure does hurt. Don't let it bother you and just do you! I know it is easier said then done. As you get older you will come to realize that you don't need those people and negativity in your life. Once, it is gone you will find yourself so much happier. You have your husband and your mom and they are important and for what you wrote about them you have their full support. That is what matters most!.

What bothers me most about what your co workers did, was approaching your director about their "concerns" regarding your surgery. First off, it is not any of their business what you decide to in your life. I feel that is crossing the line in an work environment. And I believe your director should have done something.

All in all I hope you feel better, think positive and good luck on your upcoming surgery! Update me!

Agreed. I think it's very inappropriate for your colleagues to discuss your personal choices and medical history with your director. It potentially crosses the line, into bullying/harassment in that it could reasonably embarrass or exclude you. Particularly in such a small work place. The surgery is also your sensitive personal medical information. No one has a right to express an opinion (and if your director disclosed the details of your surgery, they may have breached ethical guidelines, or the law). I live in Australia, so the laws might be different, but we don't have any obligation to disclose the precise nature or details of medical leave at law, only provide reasonable evidence of illness. For my WLS and plastics, I simply submitted medical certificates saying that I was having a medical procedure. I even got one from a General Practitioner, rather than my surgeon so that no one could google them and see they were from a clinic bariatric surgeons.

However, you must not let these people distract you. I'm sorry this happened. But they are clearly not worth your time. Don't let them steal your joy! You're onto better and more exciting things. I hope your weight loss gives you the confidence and self esteem to expect better from people around you. You can work with these people, but they are clearly not your friends. They have shown their true colours. It sounds like you have a wonderful support network around you. Focus on the good people in your life! There's so much to be excited about!

Edited August 21, 2020 by LaLaDee

[Arabesque 7,594]

So it was fine for your friend to take time off work for her honeymoon & to have her baby but you can’t take time off to do something which will make you healthier. And your colleagues who are so concerned about the risks of surgery speak to your manager but have made no mention of the risks involved with you being overweight. Selfish HYPOCRITES!

I am angry for you.

Making the decision to go forward with weight loss surgery is not easy & neither is the journey to successfully lose weight. I’m very glad you have the support of your husband & mother because there will be times you’ll need them to help you stay the course.

I wish you all the best on your weight loss journey.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,938]

I agree with everyone above. I too am angry for you and completely understand. When i first got banded years ago, WLS was still a very "take the easy way out" mentality. I told my (now) x, two sons, couple friends and few co-workers. I thought no big deal.... On the day i went back from WLS i got laid off with about 100+ others (gulf oil spill, lived in south La). Those few "co-workers" told everyone. I felt like everyone was judging me all the time. Thats why this time only my hubby knows..... So much better.

Two things i do know.... WLS changes people. Not only how people look at you but how you now look at yourself. How things before would really get to me... but after i just let it roll off my back. I walked with more confidence.

You will learn something will happen. Your relationships will change. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, that will start to change..... sometimes for the good and some for the bad. My dr asked, "how is your marriage" at the time i thought it was good and didn't see why he was asking..... Now i understand. I so admire people who's relationship withstands or gets better after WLS.

I would also bring to HR what's going on. It is non of their business what you do. Would they be expressing "concerns" if it were any other SX that helps to improve your health? Would they be saying anything if it were heart sx or female sx..... NO...

[Napua 42]

I have not shared my surgery with any one around me to avoid NAY sayers. A lot of people do not understand the health issues we are going through. Look forward, enjoy your healthier life. Good luck to you all.

[Mika Ward 1]

I totally understand on my journey to having surgery I selected not to tell certain people just because I didn't want the negative remarks. I felt doing so will cause a negative energy and I didn't want such around me. Regardless of what people say, you have to create an greater good for you. Build yourself confidence and move on. You have who need beside you, your husband and mom. Go and live your best life and accept the new you. Best wishes.

[S@ssen@ch 745]

#1-I'm very sorry that you're going through this.

#2-Your private health information is none of their business, not even your employer has the right to your private health information. It sounds like you've already shared it, but regardless, I agree with others. If individuals are going to management with their opinions on your personal health information, I would speak with HR. I see harassment all over their behavior.

#3-You having weight loss surgery should have no effect on THEM. So, why are they so up in arms? Even if they have to cover your shifts, it would be no different than if you had any other life-saving surgery. You're doing this to better yourself and make yourself more healthy. Why would they object? It's not like you're bringing Typhoid fever back to the office. Sounds like you work with a bunch of selfish people.

#4-Be prepared. It is normal for your relationships to change during this journey.

[Officially Not Fatty Matty 462]

Everyone has already said the same thing I feel. I would like to add that it’s not only your husband and your mom by your side cheering you on. We truly are happy for you, we truly want to see you succeed, we truly are on your side for all the good and (hopefully no) bad and (hopefully no) ugly and wonderful things that are in store for you and will support you as if you were our friend or family. Your surgery is a tool, this forum is like the grease for that tool.. you have 100s of technicians who want to help you keep your tool working for you. Oh.... and your coworkers are a different kind of tool... :)
You got this.

[Sky _B 21]

3 hours ago, BayougirlMrsS said:

I agree with everyone above. I too am angry for you and completely understand. When i first got banded years ago, WLS was still a very "take the easy way out" mentality. I told my (now) x, two sons, couple friends and few co-workers. I thought no big deal.... On the day i went back from WLS i got laid off with about 100+ others (gulf oil spill, lived in south La). Those few "co-workers" told everyone. I felt like everyone was judging me all the time. Thats why this time only my hubby knows..... So much better.

Two things i do know.... WLS changes people. Not only how people look at you but how you now look at yourself. How things before would really get to me... but after i just let it roll off my back. I walked with more confidence.

You will learn something will happen. Your relationships will change. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, that will start to change..... sometimes for the good and some for the bad. My dr asked, "how is your marriage" at the time i thought it was good and didn't see why he was asking..... Now i understand. I so admire people who's relationship withstands or gets better after WLS.

I would also bring to HR what's going on. It is non of their business what you do. Would they be expressing "concerns" if it were any other SX that helps to improve your health? Would they be saying anything if it were heart sx or female sx..... NO...

I couldn't agree more with what you said! Can I ask what changes in relationship you are talking about? TIA

[BayougirlMrsS 3,938]

12 minutes ago, Sky _B said:

I couldn't agree more with what you said! Can I ask what changes in relationship you are talking about? TIA

sure...... Well the biggest one was the marriage. I was married for 26 years. I was blinded to what our relationship was really... It was about me being a pleaser and him being a taker. The fatter i got the worse i felt and less confidence i had.... the more control he got. I couldn't even buy underwear without his ok. Never physically abusive... but very mental. The more confidence i got... the less control and he hated it. He NEVER approved of my WLS. Now i know why. He never wanted me to lose weight period... Back then i didn't see, i thought if only i could lose weight he would love me and show me affection... NOPE it got worse. When he saw that he had no control over me losing weight.. he would start saying.... You know, you were prettier when you were fat, you have wrinkles now... or that i looked like a bag of bones... i could go on and on.

Lost my larger friends.... I didn't fit in with them anymore. They didn't want to hear about my weight loss or eating or going to the gym. Lost some of my thinner friends too.... after i lost weight i was no longer the "fat" girl in the group and they hated that people showed me attention.

But.... my true friends supported me when i was Banded. I still choose to keep the sleeve to myself this time. Just easier to not talk about it.

[BigSue 1,428]

6 minutes ago, BayougirlMrsS said:

sure...... Well the biggest one was the marriage. I was married for 26 years. I was blinded to what our relationship was really... It was about me being a pleaser and him being a taker. The fatter i got the worse i felt and less confidence i had.... the more control he got. I couldn't even buy underwear without his ok. Never physically abusive... but very mental. The more confidence i got... the less control and he hated it. He NEVER approved of my WLS. Now i know why. He never wanted me to lose weight period... Back then i didn't see, i thought if only i could lose weight he would love me and show me affection... NOPE it got worse. When he saw that he had no control over me losing weight.. he would start saying.... You know, you were prettier when you were fat, you have wrinkles now... or that i looked like a bag of bones... i could go on and on.

 Lost my larger friends.... I didn't fit in with them anymore. They didn't want to hear about my weight loss or eating or going to the gym. Lost some of my thinner friends too.... after i lost weight i was no longer the "fat" girl in the group and they hated that people showed me attention.

But.... my true friends supported me when i was Banded. I still choose to keep the sleeve to myself this time. Just easier to not talk about it.

I have a feeling that a lot of fat people have relationships in which we give and give while others take advantage. I know I have experienced that a lot in my life, and I think it is because I have been made to feel defective, less worthy than others, because of my weight, and that I somehow need to make up for that in other ways. I foolishly think that people will like me in spite of my weight if I constantly bend over backward for them, only to eventually realize that they only like taking from me and they don't actually like me as a person.

In defense of the friends you lost because they didn't want to hear about your weight loss, eating, or going to the gym, I kind of understand, especially as a larger person, because that kind of discussion often leads to body shaming, so it makes me uncomfortable when those conversations happen around me. I feel that these topics are very personal and not things I want to discuss in certain settings (especially work). Since I don't like to discuss these things, I would start to feel like I don't have much in common with someone who talks about these subjects all the time. That doesn't mean it's about you, personally, and I hope you can forgive those who want to avoid those subjects that can be emotionally fraught or just not things that are important in their lives.