Partner/ spouse support

[Nomorepasta 19]

Hi!
My surgery is scheduled for Dec 4th. I’m ready to go, finished with Dr’s and pretty much on Protein Shakes a day and a sensible dinner. My husband is trying to discourage the surgery feeling that I can do it naturally and that it’s not safe, even though I have battled with my weight all my life. I have had 7 prior surgeries and haven’t had the best track record regarding complications. I think I probably could lose some of my weight naturally, however as most of u know it’s maintaining it that’s the real issue. I need to stay positive but it’s difficult when my husband is praising me for the 12 pounds I have lost since starting this new journey and thinking “he” can support me through my “ binges” and food addition.
Any advice asI am really conflicted. Every time I see my nutritionist or come from a support group meeting I’m on board, but when my husband sounds so sensible in that the surgery carries many risk factors/ side effects I feel like I should not have the surgery.

[VIKING 0424 1,107]

THE MENTAL STRUGGLE IS YOURS AND YOURS ALONE IT IS NOT YOUR HUSBANDS DECISION YOUR RESULTS WILL BE AMAZING IF YOU STAY TO YOUR PROGRAM IS THERE ANY JEALOUSY ISSSUES ? JUST A THOUGHT ANY WAY YOUR FUTURE HEATH IS AT STAKE MY THOUGHTS ARE DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU GOOD LUCK IM NOT SAYING ANYTHING BAD ABOUT THE SPOUSE PLEASE DONT TAKE IT THAT WAY

[BayougirlMrsS 3,939]

Nomore.... Have you explained to him how much you value his support, but that you feel this is the path you must take? My now ex husband hated the idea of me getting WLS. Back in 2009 i got banded. He said the same... you're doing it now, you can do it without surgery. But, i knew i had to have this for me and no one else. It was harder with out his support, but i went on to lose 89lbs. Kept it off for years. In 2016 i asked for a divorce after 25+ years. (lots of issues) The main problem was my weightloss. He hated the skinny me, would be negative all the time. Told me some of the most horrible stuff. But though it all Never had any weight gains while i had my band. Back in March 2017 i got the flu/stomach bug and threw up violently... slipped my band. Emergency removal. It was the worst day ever. Between that day and Julyishhh.... i gained back 30lbs. This confirmed that i needed WLS. So Aug 28, 2019 i got sleeved.

Your health has many risk and side effects. You have to do this for you and only you. If you haven't, go watch youtube Dr. V.... he's an Asian guy and he is 100% correct on everything he says... go watch the one on relationships.

5'2"

Banded Nov 10, 2009 SW 232, weight at removal 143

Sleeved Aug 28, 2019 SW 173.5 Today 144.2

[AJ Tylo 1,399]

Been said a million times before here - You are not the first,

You can not do it without the surgery, Sure you have tried, The surgery is only a tool and you use this tool to get healthy and happy. I will be brutally honest it is not his decision, You have decided to do this and the views and opinions of others is irrelevant. You have a long journey but the Head games are hard to deal with.

I shut out all the views and opinion and just did it! This is only the beginning you will have issues with friends, co workers people etc. But when its all said and done you will be happy and healthy.

Explain to him this, What i told my X wife but we are still friends.

Quote

At this rate i will have diabetes and most likely die quickly from being fat, That seems to be a bigger risk then a surgery that is done and been successful. Its not about you, I choose to live and i want to live differently,

As you progress thru the stages he will see you happy and most likely support you, But I can tell you this is individual journey and is not easy, so dont let others sidetrack you

Best decision i ever made

[Machalo 283]

Hi @Nomorepasta!

You raised an issue that I also have had with my husband. He was very concerned 1) that I could do it on my own; 2) that the surgery wasn't safe, and 3) I was too old to have it safely. So, I pussyfooted around him for a while, quietly sticking to my shakes and my plan and did some research. There is research out there that shows that people over 50 are now viable surgical candidates for WLS and that we do very well with it. The complications that my husband was concerned about don't happen much anymore. When confronted with facts, and my determination, his tune has changed.

I had to change my mindset though first. The surgery is for me, so that I can be healthy. I don't want to die of a comorbidity in the next 10 years; I'd like to see my grandchildren grow up. Most importantly, I really, truly wanted his support, but I was having the surgery anyway, regardless. That mindset was quite hard to put in place, mainly because I'm a pleaser and I go with pretty much everything he wants most of the time. I don't put my foot down very often, but I had to this time. Finally, I had to be selfish in my healthcare. I look after his health the best I can (he is disabled), but have ignored my own healthcare for a lot of years and it shows. Now is my time.

I'm happy to report that he has finally come around and is supporting my decision, even though he still has some reservations. All the best to you. Keep on reading the threads here, they were very encouraging when my spouse was not. ((Hugs))

[lvidacovich 372]

Had the same issue with my wife. Luckily she's very logical like I am so I went through most of the process, had her come to a seminar for my surgeon and talked it all through. Finally came to an agreement on it. She still doesn't think I NEED it (along with my parents) BUT she understands why I want it and that it's a tool. She mostly wanted to see me have a real brain shift before surgery and I did!

You do you. You can't control anyone else but you!

[amithistrose 32]

It is your journey not his, He is along for the ride! Invite him to go to support group with you so He can learn about how to support you and that most people do fine with the surgery. Stay on your path! Stay strong! Let him see others people's journey and their progress!

[al0vely 24]

My BF is not fully supportive either. He says I will lose weight and dump him ... that is in his head.

[amithistrose 32]

Oh no I'm sorry, it is a time full of major changes! My relationship has gotten better (I"M 10 mos out) but He goes to all support meetings and participated and tries to really learn. Tell him that you don't want this to hurt your relationship and that you would like him to come with you, and learn about what people go through, and how things change. Tell him you want to change and grow with him by your side.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,939]

13 hours ago, al0vely said:

My BF is not fully supportive either. He says I will lose weight and dump him ... that is in his head.

No, unfortunately, it's not in his head. Statically about 75% or more of relationships fail after WLS. It's not that it's the intention, but it happens a lot. I would say that out of the dozen or more marriages that are very close friends.... I know of only 1 or 2 that are still together.... Me included. I was married for 25+ years (26 by the time divorce was final).

If your relationship is strong.... it will get stronger. If it's week it will fall apart.

[lvidacovich 372]

10 minutes ago, BayougirlMrsS said:

No, unfortunately, it's not in his head. Statically about 75% or more of relationships fail after WLS. It's not that it's the intention, but it happens a lot. I would say that out of the dozen or more marriages that are very close friends.... I know of only 1 or 2 that are still together.... Me included. I was married for 25+ years (26 by the time divorce was final).

If your relationship is strong.... it will get stronger. If it's week it will fall apart.

This is not directed at anyone in particular but I think that WLS exposes bad relationships but makes good ones stronger. At least I hope.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,939]

2 minutes ago, lvidacovich said:

This is not directed at anyone in particular but I think that WLS exposes bad relationships but makes good ones stronger. At least I hope.

Yes.... 99.99% of the time. I truly believe this. I know i went into the Band with the hopes that the weight loss would make my marriage better. It did not.... but at the time i didn't see all the "other" things that was wrong. I didn't see the extremely controlling person he was. I didn't see the negative, self-centered, heartless person he was/is. I made excuses for him all the time. After the WL he wanted me to gain the weight back. He would say things like...... You know you were prettier when you were fat because i couldn't see all those wrinkles in your face...... or Your too skinny you look like a bag of bones. Finally, i started gaining my confidence back and all the things started to surface. He was no longer controlling me and he hated it..... So he just stopped being present in our marriage. I told him we needed to get counseling and he said no, that there was nothing wrong with him and that if he were to go with me i would have to pay for it. I told him, things needed to change and if it didn't that come the first of the year i was filing.... That was in July 2015... January 2016 .... then he was trying to "fix" things. But it was too late for me, i was done.

I started dating and in Oct 2016 to the most wonderful man EVER.... He supports me in any decisions i make. 2017 i had to have the band removed due to a slip. Between then and Julyish... i put on 30lbs. He never said a word except that i was beautiful and sexy... all the time. But i saw my weight was going up and nothing i did was stopping it. So i got sleeved Aug 28th. And he still tells me every day how beautiful and sexy i am....

We got married Sept. 26th after meeting on Match.com..... hehe

[JRT Mom 920]

When I got my lap band 10 years ago my husband was in good health and supportive of my decision. Now I need to revise it and he has some major health issues and I think he's afraid something will happen to me and then he won't have anyone to care for him. It's giving me some guilt, but being obese there's no assurance nothing will happen if I DON'T get the surgery. If I die from obesity issues he still doesn't have his help, so I'm going to get the bypass.

Like all the other posters said in their wisdom, it's YOUR journey and you do it for you.

[Nonnaof4 54]

I'm sorry your husband isn't being supportive. This is your journey though and if it's what you truly want then you need to be true to yourself and go for it.

I was one of the lucky ones. I told my husband I wanted to look into it before I even went to the first seminar. He has been supportive the whole way and has been great since the surgery. He's constantly encouraging me and praising me for staying on track and sticking with the program. He has told me right from the beginning that he loved me just the way I was and he will love me just the same no matter how much I lose.

I wish everyone had a super supportive partner!!

[Nomorepasta 19]

Hi!! Thanks so much for ur post!! I need to do some very deep soul searching before my next Dr.’s visit because as much as I want and need to lose the weight I am still conflicted. I am truly afraid of certain risk factors and long /short term side effects of the surgery. ( I think more than most because I have been through 7 surgeries and have had post op issues with all except one). I realize that staying at my current weight is also a health risk. I do nothing but think, research, and complicate about this 24/7.