a sickening look at my eating disorder

[mousecat88 2,281]

these popped up in my fb memories today. i used to binge eat/overeat. i had decided to use MFP to help me curb how much i ate, but instead i used it as a competition tool to see how much i could fit in me. i was probably around 175 or so in 2012. the comments are mostly me joking about how my ads are all for diet pills now and my friends joking I'll be one of the feeder fetish chicks eventually.

the last photo is from 2018 when i was 286lbs and considering bariatric surgery. spoiler alert: it wasn't my thyroid that caused my weight gain.

why the eff did i do this to myself!? jesus.   

Sent from my SM-G930R4 using BariatricPal mobile app

[FluffyChix 17,418]

Thank you for your honesty. I'm so glad you are working on your head stuff and learning to love yourself!!! I hope we can all be this transparent with ourselves and others--then maybe so many would not feel alone!

[GradyCat 3,697]

Thanks for sharing. I sometimes can't believe how many Cookies I used to eat.

[summerset 5,265]

A lot of eating disordered people are reacting kind of stunned after having crawled out of their deepest hole, regardless of what eating disorder it was.

Compulsive eaters or binge eaters can't believe how much they ate, bulimics can't believe how much money for food they purged down the toilet, anorexics can't believe how they managed to subsist on so little food while exercising without end etc. etc. etc.

[Frustr8 7,886]

Grady Cat has her Cookies, it was my Family sized Honey barbeque Potato chips from Frito- Lay. No wonder they could afford to ship them in, I kept them in business! And the sad thing, I didn't even feel full!

[Ohcinders 35]

I can SO relate to you!! My surgery is June 3rd (in just days) and I am SO terrified that I won't be able to overcome my binge eating I, like you, can eat a whole bag of chips in one day... I NEVER feel full until I am almost sick from eating! My starting weight was 287, now I am 275, so I must be doing something right, but my mind keeps thinking about "food funerals" before my surgery, and this is a very warped way of thinking, in my opinion (as applies to myself). Today is the first real day I have felt that fear, and I don't like it!

Congrats to you ~~ you have done an amazing job ~~ you should be very proud!

[mousecat88 2,281]

3 hours ago, Ohcinders said:

I can SO relate to you!! My surgery is June 3rd (in just days) and I am SO terrified that I won't be able to overcome my binge eating I, like you, can eat a whole bag of chips in one day... I NEVER feel full until I am almost sick from eating! My starting weight was 287, now I am 275, so I must be doing something right, but my mind keeps thinking about "food funerals" before my surgery, and this is a very warped way of thinking, in my opinion (as applies to myself). Today is the first real day I have felt that fear, and I don't like it!

Congrats to you ~~ you have done an amazing job ~~ you should be very proud!

Thank you! I had plenty of "food funerals" during my 16-day pre-op diet. While controversial, I don't regret it. Because I made a promise to myself to not have those foods ever again, and thus far I haven't. And, honestly, I don't miss them at all. Fortunately after surgery you physically CAN'T binge eat, which is the ultimate training tool. Not being hungry those first few months really helps. I think overtime people can fit more and more in if they really try, but I know 7 months out I couldn't. I would get so so so sick! And I don't want to sabotage myself.