When does it end?

[kat__p 17]

So, a little bit of background... I had rny gastric bypass back in 2009, lost over 200 lbs, I was sexually assaulted in 2013 and developed seizures after a car accident the same year and drinking and taking pills I was prescribed for anxiety got out of control since I couldn't eat like before surgery as a means of comfort and slowly put on about 20-30 lbs. Drinking and taking pills has gotten A LOT better in the last year but I started eating as a coping mechanism when the drinking stopped so I've gained about 60 lbs in the last 12 months.

I've started seeing a therapist and this time I'm trying to get to the bottom of why I started eating the way I did which led to surgery and why I'm doing it again now, while at the same time trying to deal with PTSD from the assault.

My rant? I KNOW that I'm hurting myself with food. I KNOW what I SHOULD be doing and I can be pretty good for a couple of days, then I binge and then starve myself to punish myself, then I go back to basics for another 2 days and the cycle starts again. My therapist says that it's going to happen and to just keep going to therapy and working through things but I'm freaking out because I'm finally going back to my surgeon's office after this regain (has been about 5 years since I've seen him) and I'm scared about what they'll say after me putting on all this weight.

I come to this forum daily to get inspired to do what's best for me and some days it helps but most of the time I just hate myself for this regain and feel worthless. I wish there was a way I could do things differently but here I am, feeling hopeless and like I can't kickstart me losing weight in a healthy way.

I don't know what to do, I see my surgeon's NP on 8/27 and just the thought of stepping on the scale fills me with so much dread I want to start crying or do something worse.

Anyone can relate or have any advice?

[GreenTealael 24,849]

37 minutes ago, kat__p said:

So, a little bit of background... I had rny gastric bypass back in 2009, lost over 200 lbs, I was sexually assaulted in 2013 and developed seizures after a car accident the same year and drinking and taking pills I was prescribed for anxiety got out of control since I couldn't eat like before surgery as a means of comfort and slowly put on about 20-30 lbs. Drinking and taking pills has gotten A LOT better in the last year but I started eating as a coping mechanism when the drinking stopped so I've gained about 60 lbs in the last 12 months.

I've started seeing a therapist and this time I'm trying to get to the bottom of why I started eating the way I did which led to surgery and why I'm doing it again now, while at the same time trying to deal with PTSD from the assault.

My rant? I KNOW that I'm hurting myself with food. I KNOW what I SHOULD be doing and I can be pretty good for a couple of days, then I binge and then starve myself to punish myself, then I go back to basics for another 2 days and the cycle starts again. My therapist says that it's going to happen and to just keep going to therapy and working through things but I'm freaking out because I'm finally going back to my surgeon's office after this regain (has been about 5 years since I've seen him) and I'm scared about what they'll say after me putting on all this weight.

I come to this forum daily to get inspired to do what's best for me and some days it helps but most of the time I just hate myself for this regain and feel worthless. I wish there was a way I could do things differently but here I am, feeling hopeless and like I can't kickstart me losing weight in a healthy way.

I don't know what to do, I see my surgeon's NP on 8/27 and just the thought of stepping on the scale fills me with so much dread I want to start crying or do something worse.

Anyone can relate or have any advice?

I'm soooo sorry for all of your troubles, I hope nothing but light love happiness and peace for you.

[Jingle123423 165]

1 hour ago, kat__p said:

So, a little bit of background... I had rny gastric bypass back in 2009, lost over 200 lbs, I was sexually assaulted in 2013 and developed seizures after a car accident the same year and drinking and taking pills I was prescribed for anxiety got out of control since I couldn't eat like before surgery as a means of comfort and slowly put on about 20-30 lbs. Drinking and taking pills has gotten A LOT better in the last year but I started eating as a coping mechanism when the drinking stopped so I've gained about 60 lbs in the last 12 months.

I've started seeing a therapist and this time I'm trying to get to the bottom of why I started eating the way I did which led to surgery and why I'm doing it again now, while at the same time trying to deal with PTSD from the assault.

My rant? I KNOW that I'm hurting myself with food. I KNOW what I SHOULD be doing and I can be pretty good for a couple of days, then I binge and then starve myself to punish myself, then I go back to basics for another 2 days and the cycle starts again. My therapist says that it's going to happen and to just keep going to therapy and working through things but I'm freaking out because I'm finally going back to my surgeon's office after this regain (has been about 5 years since I've seen him) and I'm scared about what they'll say after me putting on all this weight.

I come to this forum daily to get inspired to do what's best for me and some days it helps but most of the time I just hate myself for this regain and feel worthless. I wish there was a way I could do things differently but here I am, feeling hopeless and like I can't kickstart me losing weight in a healthy way.

I don't know what to do, I see my surgeon's NP on 8/27 and just the thought of stepping on the scale fills me with so much dread I want to start crying or do something worse.

Anyone can relate or have any advice?

The something worse has me worried for you. Are you safe?

As far as the weight gain, your doctor isn't there to judge. Just be honest. And you are taking steps in the right direction by going to therapy and working towards getting your pill/alcohol consumption under control.

[kat__p 17]

4 minutes ago, Jingle123423 said:

The something worse has me worried for you. Are you safe?

As far as the weight gain, your doctor isn't there to judge. Just be honest. And you are taking steps in the right direction by going to therapy and working towards getting your pill/alcohol consumption under control.

I struggle with self-harm thoughts but as of right now I'm lucky to have a supportive husband so I think I'm safe. He knows what I'm going through and is there for me when I'm going through my bad days. Thank you for asking.

[Jingle123423 165]

9 hours ago, kat__p said:

I struggle with self-harm thoughts but as of right now I'm lucky to have a supportive husband so I think I'm safe. He knows what I'm going through and is there for me when I'm going through my bad days. Thank you for asking.

I've shared this before on this site, but I think it applies here too. The best single piece of wisdom I ever took away from therapy is "just because you think a thought, doesn't make it true". Try to be ask kind to yourself as you would a friend.

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

We have all used inferior coping methods, for whatever reason - forgive yourself - I'm serious here. You have to look in the mirror and forgive yourself and then start to heal and to love yourself, allow yourself to believe that you have value. It's so hard sometimes to not think we deserve to be our best, we hide behind the fat, the issues we imagine to be too huge, the feeling of being an imposter and soon everyone will know. You are important. You can do this with therapy and maybe the 'correct medication'.

I find that I cannot keep those racing incorrect thoughts if I am deeply involved in something - usually something physical, if I can just stand up and open one closet door and start staightening, I can chase that irrational thought away. Or I go to a square dance, I go to the garden and dig, I put on an exercise dvd, I sew. If I can't manage that - I might really just need a nap, a shower, a massage, to be kind to myself. Your body has seen you through it ALL, and been right there. Mine gave me my children, makes beautiful love to my husband, hugs my grandkids, lovingly sews smocked dresses, reads endless books, has installed thousands of computers and made them work together. I am sure yours has done some pretty amazing things. You can do this, you have done it before and can do it again.