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Is it possible to do this for the "wrong" reasons?



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I'm scheduled for gastric bypass on May 2nd. I've been a giant my entire life. Literally. I was even a big ass baby at three weeks premature. Now, I am over six feet tall and almost 400 pounds. I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous as hell about doing this but my worry is not for myself. My partner, her son, my parents, my family all need me. I am living for them. I'm getting surgery so that I can continue to live for them. I keep being told that I need to do all these things for myself or in the end it won't work. I passed a bad habit a few years ago for my partner because it distressed her. Now, does the reasoning matter? The bad habit is gone and I rarely even think about it anymore. If you do the proper thing, make the right decisions, does it really matter why you did it?

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I did this for exactly the same reasons: my family. I have worked for 25 years to raise and nurture 8 children, the youngest is 1 1/2. Yes, this is for me too, but they are the love of my life and we are in this together. Overweight, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and now diabetic....not a good ending unless I turn it around! That's what your doing...turning it around so you can BE there! I know it seems scary, but I have only seen one post where someone regretted it. Everyone else is thankful and very happy!

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Yes, it can be done for the "wrong" reasons (such as to get down to a size "x" for that reunion next year, or for bikini season...) but I think that you are headed in the right direction. Going through this out of concern for your ability to be their for your family is a good part of "doing it for yourself". That is a good part of the motivation to see it through to a successful conclusion. More worrisome would be if you were doing it because your family was concerned about your health and were coercing you to have it done because they thought it would be best for you- your mind isn't in the game in the same way.

I have a brother in law (a couple times removed) who went through a bypass some years ago, primarily at the instigation of his wife (out of her concern for his health), but it really wasn't his idea. He was never really all that committed to it or compliant, and of course it didn't work all that well as a result. But if you are committed to it out of your concern for your family, that's a great start.

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26 minutes ago, GayGirlLivingForHer said:

I'm scheduled for gastric bypass on May 2nd. I've been a giant my entire life. Literally. I was even a big ass baby at three weeks premature. Now, I am over six feet tall and almost 400 pounds. I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous as hell about doing this but my worry is not for myself. My partner, her son, my parents, my family all need me. I am living for them. I'm getting surgery so that I can continue to live for them. I keep being told that I need to do all these things for myself or in the end it won't work. I passed a bad habit a few years ago for my partner because it distressed her. Now, does the reasoning matter? The bad habit is gone and I rarely even think about it anymore. If you do the proper thing, make the right decisions, does it really matter why you did it?

Normal to second guess and to be nervous about this. There are risks with any surgery. Also health risks continuing to be obese.

I see it as a win win situation. You are doing this for yourself, your health and your loved ones.

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I don’t think it matters but I would find it hard to believe that you don’t want this for yourself, too, deep down. Yes, it’s a huge change and that is hard to accept at times, but you’ve seen and heard about how much healthier people become, and how shopping is so much easier. You won’t regret it. Good luck!


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I've struggled with depression, self image issues, and mental illness most of my life and I have crazy social anxiety. I don't believe that changing the outside will make me any more comfortable with myself. I hate shopping because being around people spikes my anxiety. I do most of my shopping at Wal-Mart because I can do it in the middle of the night when not many people are around and I can get everything I need in one place. To be completely honest, I don't care enough about myself to ever do this for me. My partner thinks it's an awful idea because she thinks surgery is drastic and I could lose weight on my own if I wanted to. My parents are kind of pushing it on me. Both of my parents had bypass surgery. My mom is skinny as all get out and my dad is now gaining weight and could easily be considered obese. I just want to live without pain so I can be with my partner

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You have to come first. Without you taking care of you first you wont around to take care of them. So yes those that are saying that you hav etc do it for you are correct. However this is an inner personal struggle that you will have to learn to achieve to get over your fears. Trust me I know exactly what you're saying. I was the same way. Thinking that I had to do it all for everyone else. It put too much pressure on me.

Sometimes and you'll have to have these conversation with all those involved that you'll hav etc sacrifice some time to get you right to be able to provide a better quality of life later on.

I had to learn that Quality is better than quantity. You've got this and anything that I can do to help you along the way just ask.

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Yes, it can be done for the "wrong" reasons (such as to get down to a size "x" for that reunion next year, or for bikini season...) but I think that you are headed in the right direction. Going through this out of concern for your ability to be their for your family is a good part of "doing it for yourself". That is a good part of the motivation to see it through to a successful conclusion. More worrisome would be if you were doing it because your family was concerned about your health and were coercing you to have it done because they thought it would be best for you- your mind isn't in the game in the same way.
I have a brother in law (a couple times removed) who went through a bypass some years ago, primarily at the instigation of his wife (out of her concern for his health), but it really wasn't his idea. He was never really all that committed to it or compliant, and of course it didn't work all that well as a result. But if you are committed to it out of your concern for your family, that's a great start.

My parents are kind of pushing it on me. They want me to live and be healthy. I've never been anywhere near "normal" sized. I fear that losing a drastic amount of weight, becoming average size, might be too good to be true. I have odd beliefs and I believe in some serious balance. There's no way I'll be average size without really paying for it. I think it's entirely possible for me to end up really enjoying being smaller than I am and developing an eating disorder

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I'm scheduled for gastric bypass on May 2nd. I've been a giant my entire life. Literally. I was even a big ass baby at three weeks premature. Now, I am over six feet tall and almost 400 pounds. I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous as hell about doing this but my worry is not for myself. My partner, her son, my parents, my family all need me. I am living for them. I'm getting surgery so that I can continue to live for them. I keep being told that I need to do all these things for myself or in the end it won't work. I passed a bad habit a few years ago for my partner because it distressed her. Now, does the reasoning matter? The bad habit is gone and I rarely even think about it anymore. If you do the proper thing, make the right decisions, does it really matter why you did it?


In the end the real reason remains the same, it is medically necessary

I did it for my personal reasons which vary from yours but it's only a tool.

Imagine needing a hammer to fix a roof vs someone needing it to hang a picture frame. You both still need the hammer despite the project. And comparison is a thief of joy.

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You're doing it for these people....because they are important to you, you love them, they are your most important relationships and hurting them horrifies you. They matter to you.

Protecting things that matter to you....is self interest. You are doing this for you because you're doing this for what matters most to you.

Different way to look at it:)

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Your partner should be proud and support you in this and I believe when she sees how much you are committed to doing this for your health and family she'll get,on board. I'm 72, don't stay heavy as long as I did. It takes a terrible toll on your body. You say your parents are pushing you, couldn't you also believe they are trying an intervention? Your mother doesn't want her baby to suffer with this weight, she's saying learn before it's too late. I buried a son at 31, not from weight, something totally different, but it is one of the hardest things in life to stand next to your child's grave and wonder if you could have done something different that could have saved them. Honey, she DOES NOT want you to DIE! Please have the surgery and live for yourself as well as them, Shoot I'm crying as I write this. Your life will be much better, you'll be healthier and most important you'll be alive. Please for all of us, I want to watch you succeed in your journey, cause I beleve in you and I know you CAN do it.

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Yes, it is possible to get the surgery for the wrong reasons. However, doing this to get better, to change your health and to provide them with your presence for a longer life is a good reason.

I did this surgery for me. I did it because I wanted to live longer to and to maybe someday start my own family.

It does not matter the reason, as long as it is the reason that will make you successful in the long-run.

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Sweetie, all your comments make me sad! You will need to talk to a therapist before surgery (at least in my state a therapist, nutritionist, and doctor had to ok you), and hopefully but I can give you more Direction. I'm concerned that you seem to have zero self-worth. Surgery won't help that. Your value doesn't come in your hip size. If you have the ability to, I would get somebody to talk to. It can help a lot!

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4 minutes ago, Acts238girl said:

Sweetie, all your comments make me sad! You will need to talk to a therapist before surgery (at least in my state a therapist, nutritionist, and doctor had to ok you), and hopefully but I can give you more Direction. I'm concerned that you seem to have zero self-worth. Surgery won't help that. Your value doesn't come in your hip size. If you have the ability to, I would get somebody to talk to. It can help a lot!

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I agree 100% Surgery won't change anything if you aren't mentally prepared and want this for your self. Even after the surgery it is very hard work and if you are successful it is worth it. I know a lot of people that were not successful mostly because they thought they would have the surgery and they wouldn't have to work at losing weight (my wife included). My wife had the surgery about 8 years ago. She is 5'5" and weighed 290 at surgery and today she weighs 240. She expected the surgery to be the end of her dieting/exercising to lose her weight but she was very wrong.

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I'm scheduled for gastric bypass on May 2nd. I've been a giant my entire life. Literally. I was even a big ass baby at three weeks premature. Now, I am over six feet tall and almost 400 pounds. I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous as hell about doing this but my worry is not for myself. My partner, her son, my parents, my family all need me. I am living for them. I'm getting surgery so that I can continue to live for them. I keep being told that I need to do all these things for myself or in the end it won't work. I passed a bad habit a few years ago for my partner because it distressed her. Now, does the reasoning matter? The bad habit is gone and I rarely even think about it anymore. If you do the proper thing, make the right decisions, does it really matter why you did it?

Well. Almost 400lbs.. it doesn't even matter at this point what the reason Is it will improve your health. But the reality is... What if you break up will you just go back to bad habits. You do need to live for yourself.

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