Jump to content

Relationship perspective change after weight loss surgery



Recommended Posts

I'm new here, so if my post is too lengthy, I apologise for not knowing protocol. I'm a year out from surgery, I've had great post-op results. I'm down to my college football build and am heavy in bettering myself physically. I've been married for nearly 13 years and recently have been realizing the sexual issues I felt in my marriage, which were already there pre-surgery, have been taking a toll on my happiness. Before surgery I would voice my feelings to my wife and things would improve for a short while, however our situation would always revert back to the "normal". The first 4 years of our marriage were outstanding, our sex life was phenomenal and exciting, but for whatever reason, things changed. Outside of our sexual relationship, our marriage is solid. My wife is truly my best friend. I expected surgery to make a great impact on our relationship, but it hasn't, regardless of the efforts I've made.

Within the past month I began to gain attention from an old love interest, from before I was married. I'm a faithful man and would never cheat on my wife, though the opportunity was there. I can't help but notice how much I've craved the attention, being readily given by this other person. I've continued to attempt to mend my relationship and as a result I ended the communications with the other person, with great difficulty. I recently began the process of seeking counseling to workout my marriage.

Before surgery, the thought of going outside of my marriage to connect with someone would never have been a possibility. I always looked down upon those who could not maintain faithfulness. I want my marriage to work and I will fight to keep it together. My question is, has anyone else experienced a change in their perspective toward relationships and how they define their happiness?

Thanks,

Jon

Sent from my SM-G955U using BariatricPal mobile app

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

But a woman's input is always appreciated, as I'm curious to find if this occurs with anyone who has surgery.

5'9"
32yo

HW-408 BMI-56%
sW-388
CW-248 BMI-27%

"Sweat is weakness leaving the body"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Weight loss changes people. Both me and my ex had weight issues. She had WLS in 2012 and lost over 350 pounds (that's not a typo). In 2014 and 2015 she had multiple reconstructive procedures (including the removal of 22 pounds of skin from her abdomen alone). I sold my house to pay for this. Once she had her new body she promptly lost interest in me and quickly found a new guy. I was devastated.

I'm now rebuilding my life. Having WLS myself is part of the rebuilding plan.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, FromBiggie2Smallz said:

But a woman's input is always appreciated, as I'm curious to find if this occurs with anyone who has surgery.

then you should have put it in the main forum. this place is for the XY.

to answer your question - i definitely can relate to what you're going thru. you've been married 13 years, i've been married 10 but been together 12. i'll say this... it's hard to be married that long regardless of weight. even if you never had a weight problem, you'd probably still be getting a "13 year itch".

and it's not like being overweight with no confidence is a good way to "stay true" to your spouse (out of lack of options, you know?). that "protection" is gone and you (we) are suddenly faced with the question "do you want to still be married to your spouse? because you have options." that's a very different question than "do you want to still be married to your spouse? because no one else would want you."

basically, you (we) have been out of practice in making the pro-active commitment to our wives everyday. we have to change that and start thinking that we're with them by choice, not by predicament. i'd suggest taking some time to really imagine what your life would be like without your wife. sounds like you love her a lot and are great friends. i think you would really, really miss that. you have to remember that any "fresh" relationship would also, eventually, get old and stale.

in the end, it sounds like you are struggling with the very common challenges that all long term marriages suffer from.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

then you should have put it in the main forum. this place is for the XY.



Noted. [emoji106]

In regard to the rest of your post, you're right, I love my wife and we are amazing together! I think my greatest hurdle in all of this has been understanding that my wife has had to make drastic adjustments to the new me, and my peace in progressing is probably much faster than hers. Neither of us are the same as we used to be, before my surgery, me for the obvious physical and emotional, and my wife for emotional adjustment to being with a new me and how she perceives herself. Essentially, as a few others have suggested (outside of the forum) that each of us (my wife and I) need to approach our relationship as though we are dating again.

Thankfully, I never got lost in the fantasy of someone new showing me interest, and the further I find myself detached from that relationship, the clearer my path becomes and more confident I am in e choice I made to my commitment to my wife and family. I'm not going to lie though, the detachment sucks and I miss the connection with the other person, but I understand if I want my marriage to succeed I have to pursue that same connection with my wife.

RNY 12/20/16 5'9" 32yo HW-408 SW-388 CW-247

Sweat is just fat crying!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sex is part of a healthy relationship, both partners have to pull their weight, tell her how it is, if you are willing to fight for your family she should be willing to fight for hers.
Its great to say you would be faithful to your wife nomatter what, but that gives her free rein to get as lazy as she wants with the relationship. You have to give yourself some leverage. Truth is if it got bad enough you would have to leave the marriage and she needs to know that.
She now knows what her limits are, you need to tighten those limits like you are your waistline, you now have more sexual options and if she knows this it will encourage her to keep up with you. She has already shown that shes willing to try because she wants to stay together, but you let her slack off, she will push the boundries.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
43 minutes ago, Xerox said:

Sex is part of a healthy relationship, both partners have to pull their weight, tell her how it is, if you are willing to fight for your family she should be willing to fight for hers. ...

Yeah it sucks when your partner doesn't bring her A-game. Looking back this was a sign of the impending end of my marriage. Once a woman looses interest in physical affection its not a big leap for her to loose interest in staying married.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sex is part of a healthy relationship, both partners have to pull their weight, tell her how it is, if you are willing to fight for your family she should be willing to fight for hers.
Its great to say you would be faithful to your wife nomatter what, but that gives her free rein to get as lazy as she wants with the relationship. You have to give yourself some leverage. Truth is if it got bad enough you would have to leave the marriage and she needs to know that.
She now knows what her limits are, you need to tighten those limits like you are your waistline, you now have more sexual options and if she knows this it will encourage her to keep up with you. She has already shown that shes willing to try because she wants to stay together, but you let her slack off, she will push the boundries.

I think this has been a part of the issue with her and me. We have each gotten very comfortable with the quick pace our life has reached and neither of us took the time to stop and reestablish our relationship. Essentially, what's happened is I've always just voiced issues I've had and never provided alternatives or solutions. It's very easy to revert back to the "easier" or "less work required" relationship.

RNY 12/20/16 32YO 5'9" HW- 408 SW- 388 CW- 247 current BMI- 27

Sweat is just fat crying!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah it sucks when your partner doesn't bring her A-game. Looking back this was a sign of the impending end of my marriage. Once a woman looses interest in physical affection its not a big leap for her to loose interest in staying married.


I'm sorry for all you had to go through. I've been very conflicted about my marriage, long before surgery, and have noticed the lack of bringing her A-game. It's slowly becoming clear that a relationship that might offer what I need, should my wife not be willing to try, is available. It's something pre-op me wouldn't have considered, due to my low fat man self confidence. Ideally, we avoid divorce and figure this all out. It's a horrible-delight, being married.

RNY 12/20/16 32YO 5'9" HW- 408 SW- 388 CW- 247 current BMI- 27

Sweat is just fat crying!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Featured Surgeons

    1. Masoud Rezvani

      Woodbridge, Virginia 22191

    2. Lisa Medvetz

      Downingtown, Pennsylvania 19335
      800-282-0066

  • Recent Topics

  • Recent Status Updates

    • Kotarou Takasugi  »  Homie♥

       In which Takasugi is sick and condemned to an entire week in bed, Katsura and Gintoki sneak out in the middle of the night to visit him and the three share a sleepover party 8D A little "Threesome" of Gintoki x Katsura x Takasugi. Now with omake. Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Friendship/Family - Katsura ...
      · 3 replies
      1. Homie♥

        A summer's day party between three bros goes awry when one of em gets a little close to another in the hot tub! In this tale of murder, lust, and intrigue, Gintoki will learn what it means to truly find love-- even if it's with your best guy friend. Rated: T - English - M/M

      2. Kotarou Takasugi

        9 - You'll want Chapter 5. Spencer walks in on Carly, short beginning. STRONG SEXUAL CONTENT BETWEEN FAMILY MEMBERS. In other words, incest. This story is over, but there is a sequel titled "Yet Another iNcest". Rated: Fiction M - English - Romance/Family - [Carly S., Spencer S.] - Chapters: 6 ...

      3. Homie♥

        - I never expected to return to the iCarly-verse but, I fell in love with it during iKilled Freddy. Please read and review. I hope you enjoy. A/N: This story starts with a quick Yaoi bit. If you'd prefer to skip right to the incest portion, then you may hit F3 on your keyboard, and search for my next use of the word "Sister.

    • Kotarou Takasugi

      glad we lost 84 pounds today
      · 2 replies
      1. Homie♥

        omg SKINNY legends only

      2. Kotarou Takasugi

        Thank You.

    • Homie♥  »  Kotarou Takasugi

      hellor,
      · 2 replies
      1. Kotarou Takasugi

        my neck, my back

      2. Homie♥

        "You won't win, you can't defeat me," Hitler sputtered.

        "You're wrong..." Gintoki laughed. "Because I have friendship."

    • bookworm1983

      Had my gastric sleeve surgury on 12/28. I have lost about 15 pounds since surgery but have hit a stall. It is soooo frustrating! Any advice is greatly appreciated
      · 2 replies
      1. MowryRocks

        Just be patient. It sounds like a pat answer, but it is literally the only thing you can do to crush the dreaded 3 week stall!

      2. MissSimpson

        We have the same surgery day and the same problem. I’ve lost about 20, then stopped. I’m hardly eating anything, logging everything, getting my water and proteins. I don’t know what’s wrong. It’s so frustrating.

    • Little Green

      I'm doing so well on the new plant-based way of eating! It's been 1 month since my final diet visit, where I found out I had gained about four pounds since my previous visit in November. That meant I had only lost 3 pounds overall from March-December 2017. Ugh, sad trombone. However, in the last 3 weeks of eating a plant-based diet I've lost 13 pounds from my December visit weight! And that includes Christmas and a vacation! So definitely not a "perfect" month by any means. I'm really hoping this way of eating will support my goal of reaching and maintaining 100% of excess weight lost. 
      · 1 reply
      1. karen_marie

        Hey whatever works! I've had a few friends go plant-based and drop a lot of weight naturally.

  • Trending Topics

  • Magazine Articles

    1. 5 Fail-Proof Steps to Lose Weight in the New Year

      Posted in: Post-Op Support
      Alex Brecher
    2. How to Tell Your Loved Ones about Weight Loss Surgery

      Posted in: Pre-Op Support
      Alex Brecher
    3. It’s NOT a DIET!

      Posted in: Post-Op Support
      Connie Stapleton, PhD
    4. How to REALLY make a change in 2018

      Posted in: Post-Op Support
      Dr. Colleen Long
    5. New Year, New Outlook

      Posted in: Post-Op Support
      Alex Brecher
  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs
    ×