Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

Relationship perspective change after weight loss surgery



Recommended Posts

I'm new here, so if my post is too lengthy, I apologise for not knowing protocol. I'm a year out from surgery, I've had great post-op results. I'm down to my college football build and am heavy in bettering myself physically. I've been married for nearly 13 years and recently have been realizing the sexual issues I felt in my marriage, which were already there pre-surgery, have been taking a toll on my happiness. Before surgery I would voice my feelings to my wife and things would improve for a short while, however our situation would always revert back to the "normal". The first 4 years of our marriage were outstanding, our sex life was phenomenal and exciting, but for whatever reason, things changed. Outside of our sexual relationship, our marriage is solid. My wife is truly my best friend. I expected surgery to make a great impact on our relationship, but it hasn't, regardless of the efforts I've made.

Within the past month I began to gain attention from an old love interest, from before I was married. I'm a faithful man and would never cheat on my wife, though the opportunity was there. I can't help but notice how much I've craved the attention, being readily given by this other person. I've continued to attempt to mend my relationship and as a result I ended the communications with the other person, with great difficulty. I recently began the process of seeking counseling to workout my marriage.

Before surgery, the thought of going outside of my marriage to connect with someone would never have been a possibility. I always looked down upon those who could not maintain faithfulness. I want my marriage to work and I will fight to keep it together. My question is, has anyone else experienced a change in their perspective toward relationships and how they define their happiness?

Thanks,

Jon

Sent from my SM-G955U using BariatricPal mobile app

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

But a woman's input is always appreciated, as I'm curious to find if this occurs with anyone who has surgery.

5'9"
32yo

HW-408 BMI-56%
sW-388
CW-248 BMI-27%

"Sweat is weakness leaving the body"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Weight loss changes people. Both me and my ex had weight issues. She had WLS in 2012 and lost over 350 pounds (that's not a typo). In 2014 and 2015 she had multiple reconstructive procedures (including the removal of 22 pounds of skin from her abdomen alone). I sold my house to pay for this. Once she had her new body she promptly lost interest in me and quickly found a new guy. I was devastated.

I'm now rebuilding my life. Having WLS myself is part of the rebuilding plan.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, FromBiggie2Smallz said:

But a woman's input is always appreciated, as I'm curious to find if this occurs with anyone who has surgery.

then you should have put it in the main forum. this place is for the XY.

to answer your question - i definitely can relate to what you're going thru. you've been married 13 years, i've been married 10 but been together 12. i'll say this... it's hard to be married that long regardless of weight. even if you never had a weight problem, you'd probably still be getting a "13 year itch".

and it's not like being overweight with no confidence is a good way to "stay true" to your spouse (out of lack of options, you know?). that "protection" is gone and you (we) are suddenly faced with the question "do you want to still be married to your spouse? because you have options." that's a very different question than "do you want to still be married to your spouse? because no one else would want you."

basically, you (we) have been out of practice in making the pro-active commitment to our wives everyday. we have to change that and start thinking that we're with them by choice, not by predicament. i'd suggest taking some time to really imagine what your life would be like without your wife. sounds like you love her a lot and are great friends. i think you would really, really miss that. you have to remember that any "fresh" relationship would also, eventually, get old and stale.

in the end, it sounds like you are struggling with the very common challenges that all long term marriages suffer from.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

then you should have put it in the main forum. this place is for the XY.



Noted. [emoji106]

In regard to the rest of your post, you're right, I love my wife and we are amazing together! I think my greatest hurdle in all of this has been understanding that my wife has had to make drastic adjustments to the new me, and my peace in progressing is probably much faster than hers. Neither of us are the same as we used to be, before my surgery, me for the obvious physical and emotional, and my wife for emotional adjustment to being with a new me and how she perceives herself. Essentially, as a few others have suggested (outside of the forum) that each of us (my wife and I) need to approach our relationship as though we are dating again.

Thankfully, I never got lost in the fantasy of someone new showing me interest, and the further I find myself detached from that relationship, the clearer my path becomes and more confident I am in e choice I made to my commitment to my wife and family. I'm not going to lie though, the detachment sucks and I miss the connection with the other person, but I understand if I want my marriage to succeed I have to pursue that same connection with my wife.

RNY 12/20/16 5'9" 32yo HW-408 SW-388 CW-247

Sweat is just fat crying!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sex is part of a healthy relationship, both partners have to pull their weight, tell her how it is, if you are willing to fight for your family she should be willing to fight for hers.
Its great to say you would be faithful to your wife nomatter what, but that gives her free rein to get as lazy as she wants with the relationship. You have to give yourself some leverage. Truth is if it got bad enough you would have to leave the marriage and she needs to know that.
She now knows what her limits are, you need to tighten those limits like you are your waistline, you now have more sexual options and if she knows this it will encourage her to keep up with you. She has already shown that shes willing to try because she wants to stay together, but you let her slack off, she will push the boundries.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
43 minutes ago, Xerox said:

Sex is part of a healthy relationship, both partners have to pull their weight, tell her how it is, if you are willing to fight for your family she should be willing to fight for hers. ...

Yeah it sucks when your partner doesn't bring her A-game. Looking back this was a sign of the impending end of my marriage. Once a woman looses interest in physical affection its not a big leap for her to loose interest in staying married.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sex is part of a healthy relationship, both partners have to pull their weight, tell her how it is, if you are willing to fight for your family she should be willing to fight for hers.
Its great to say you would be faithful to your wife nomatter what, but that gives her free rein to get as lazy as she wants with the relationship. You have to give yourself some leverage. Truth is if it got bad enough you would have to leave the marriage and she needs to know that.
She now knows what her limits are, you need to tighten those limits like you are your waistline, you now have more sexual options and if she knows this it will encourage her to keep up with you. She has already shown that shes willing to try because she wants to stay together, but you let her slack off, she will push the boundries.

I think this has been a part of the issue with her and me. We have each gotten very comfortable with the quick pace our life has reached and neither of us took the time to stop and reestablish our relationship. Essentially, what's happened is I've always just voiced issues I've had and never provided alternatives or solutions. It's very easy to revert back to the "easier" or "less work required" relationship.

RNY 12/20/16 32YO 5'9" HW- 408 SW- 388 CW- 247 current BMI- 27

Sweat is just fat crying!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah it sucks when your partner doesn't bring her A-game. Looking back this was a sign of the impending end of my marriage. Once a woman looses interest in physical affection its not a big leap for her to loose interest in staying married.


I'm sorry for all you had to go through. I've been very conflicted about my marriage, long before surgery, and have noticed the lack of bringing her A-game. It's slowly becoming clear that a relationship that might offer what I need, should my wife not be willing to try, is available. It's something pre-op me wouldn't have considered, due to my low fat man self confidence. Ideally, we avoid divorce and figure this all out. It's a horrible-delight, being married.

RNY 12/20/16 32YO 5'9" HW- 408 SW- 388 CW- 247 current BMI- 27

Sweat is just fat crying!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

First off, good for you on bettering yourself. I am glad you did not let your failed relationship derail you from getting your health back! You have certainly been through a lot and now it's time for you to live life for you. I am sure you look good and feel great so it's time to play the field again and see what you can see. Personally, I can't fooking wait to be able to look into the mirror and see someone who looks good. Live it up, man!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OP it just sounds like long relationships aren't for you.

I've only been married 7.5 years. The relationship is nowhere as fun as it was when it started. That's the nature of relationships especially when you're part of someone's life every day for hours a day. Things aren't as intense after the first several years, sex isn't as great in the overwhelming amount of partnerships. It drops substantially. Most people can't handle it. Don't take it personally, its very common. It's human nature we're fighting.

Just do whats in your best interests, be honest with yourself (and others).

That being said, for me, I've transitioned in life from wanting that excitement (sex for example) to just wanting to chill. The every day things my wife and I do together (with our family) means far, far more to me than a moment of sex, or going through the "intense" ups and downs that encompass the early stages of a relationship, with someone else. I've been through the stages since pre-op of where my sex drive was ridiculous and wife couldn't keep up. What wife couldn't fulfill of that need I, bluntly, just spent jerking it.

Edited by PatientEleventyBillion

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Featured Surgeons

    1. Masoud Rezvani

      Woodbridge, Virginia 22191

    2. Lisa Medvetz

      Downingtown, Pennsylvania 19335
      800-282-0066

  • Recent Topics

  • Recent Status Updates

    • BTmom

      Can't wait to say goodbye to this body.... 

      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • Jodi1980

      So I had a Pure Protein birthday cake bar for my p.m. snack and it was anything but. yuck. I think the only bar I like is their chocolate salted caramel. Disappointing.
       
      I am drinking the Syntrax Nectar Pink Grapefruit. On a scale of 1 to 5, I'm giving it a 3 to 4 for taste. I think that leaves me with only one shake left and that is the green apple I believe. I will have to decide what I want to order for my final decision. So many flavors though...
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • Jodi1980

      Tired the Syntrax Nectar Lemonade. Meh. It was okay but the foam/froth at the top kind of turned me off but I drank some of it.
      My husband, who will also be having VSG surgery next year, has been going to his nutrition classes so he wasn't home for dinner so i didn't have to worry about what to make him. I made Kraft mac and cheese for my son and well, I took about 5 big tablespoon out of the bowl as he ate his. Yes, I confess, I was doing so well! I didn't beat myself up though. I just know now, I can't be doing that anymore! I did add it to my Bariastic app. as I am tracking everything I eat and drink. Needless to say, those 5 tablespoon took 125 calories that quick!! I thought to myself, was it really worth it?! When I was in the moment, yeah, it was but I then why am I here in the first place?
      After I put my son to bed, I drank the rest of the lemonade. I give it about a 3. I had blended with just water and ice cubes. I'm thinking if ice was in my glass without blending, it probably would have tasted better. Trial by error, I suppose.
      This morning, I had the Syntrax Nectar Twisted Cherry. I blended at work with a banana. I give this one a 3. Kind of reminded me of children's cough syrup. I mean it wasn't horrible but I liked some of the flavors better. I already had a protein bar around 10am but it's already 11:07a.m. and I don't have lunch for another hour. 
      I was going to have my meal for dinner but I think I may just have it for lunch instead. I'm thinking a nice salad with some hard boiled egg for protein. Probably run to my local grocery store and get one from the salad bar they have! Just taking it one day at a time! 
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • okayestmom

      My oldest son Just got home from deployment in the middle east. I missed him and am looking forward to spending some time with him.  He wants to go to Nebraska Furniture (north of us near where his sister lives) to look for a new dining room table for his house.  I will for sure be getting my steps in and my daughter has better furniture taste than I do, so that will help as well.  My stomach feels 100% better knowing he is safe (as long as we avoid I 35 construction haha).
      · 1 reply
      1. Orchids&Dragons

        That's wonderful that your son is getting to come home and I hope you have a wonderful visit. Please thank him for his service and thanks to you for your service as well! I didn't think there was anyway to avoid the I-35 construction, short of growing wings. Good luck with that ;)

    • Jodi1980

       Lunch time was my yummy dinner from last night. I made homemade turkey chili. I know, it's the middle of summer but I wanted something hardy and that was perfect with some sliced avocado & a tad of shredded Mexican cheese. YUM! I found the recipe that was titled "the best turkey chili recipe you will ever eat" and in fact, it was!
      My shake this afternoon is the Syntrax Nectar Kiwi Strawberry with a banana. I brought in my magic bullet blender to work since it's light and portable. I used water this time instead of the almond milk. Sipping it now at my desk, it's pretty good. I'd give this one a 5! The banana takes over and taste just like strawberry banana shake. Yum!
      Not quite sure what I am planning on tonight for dinner but since I had my main meal for lunch, it will consist of a dinner shake and a p.m. snack after (protein based of course- probably 2 hard boiled eggs.
       10 more days until surgery... I really hope my liver is teeny tiny from all of this!
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
  • Trending Topics

  • Magazine Articles

  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs
    ×