Feeling exhausted and discouraged

[eyhornmom 36]

I have lurked here since my surgery, but I've made very few posts. I'm struggling, and when I read others' posts I feel guilty that I'm struggling. I read all these posts about how happy people are after their surgery and how they are doing so great and love life so much. I'm mostly glad I had the surgery. I've been at a healthier weight for about 2 years now although I've never gotten to my goal weight. When others see me or talk to me, including my surgeon, they tell me how great I look and how good I've done. What the surgery has done for me mentally has been so opposite of what everyone sees on the outside. I realized after surgery that my weight was really a symptom of much deeper problems. I guess I had this idea that if I lost the weight everything else in life would be perfect and fall into place. My experience has been much different than that. I have discovered that I have major depression and serious anxiety. I was able to cover it up for years by eating. If I was depressed, I ate. Then I would be depressed about my failure to lose weight and control my eating, instead of dealing with other issues. If I was anxious, I ate. The more anxious I was, the more I ate. When I had marital problems, I ate. Then I blamed myself for the problems, whether they were truly my fault or not (i.e. infidelity).

After surgery, I had no more coping mechanism. The first year after surgery was the hardest. I got to a really great place with myself, and I was losing weight and beating the battle with eating. In the midst of my healing, my relationship with my husband changed. He didn't know where he fit in with my new found confidence and independence. He became increasingly angry and this drove a wedge between us. This summer something happened that rocked our marriage. We have been working on fixing things and healing, but I find myself personally back in the same place I was before surgery. I'm using food to cope, and as a result, I've gained 19 pounds from my lowest weight. I'm still a far cry from where I was before surgery, but I'm terrified of getting back to that place.

Since surgery, I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and dependent personality disorder. This gives me knowledge of what I need to work on, but it's still a daily battle. Every day I get up and plan to do better with my eating. I plan to workout at least 3 times a week. I plan to go back to the basics that I used right after surgery. But every day, I end the day disappointed with myself for failing. The battle is mentally, and physically, exhausting.

I guess I need to hear that others have had similar problems (not that I want anyone else to suffer), but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one experiencing these feelings. I'm really struggling. It gets a little harder every day to keep fighting the battle, but I'm not going to give up.

[brightfaith 187]

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

Hearing about your issues makes me want to hug you. I hope you are not trying to carry these issues alone - can you get some therapy or group support, like 'Co-dependant Anonymous' or something similar? books by Melody Beattie are helpful, also Geneen Roth's books.

This next paragraph is going to sound harsh. You may need to get divorced. Your marriage might be based in falsehoods because of your condition of co-dependance and depression. You have been running from what is true and hiding who your inner self is for so long that the relationship was built on sand from the beginning. It's not a decision to make in haste but many times healing cannot happen in that environment.

#1 - always take care of yourself first, always. Vitamins, nutrition, exercise, therapy and whatever it takes for your mental and physical health.

Be kind to yourself and post back on here when you need to vent or need a virtual hug.

[kandywolf 161]

Hi! I feel discouraged alot. Like today I was upset because I had my first follow up. My weight is only down 12 lb. (sleeved 10/17) the top of my stomach is swollen and I feel like I look worse now, since the surgery. My surgeon said that my stomach is normal and it may be like that for up to 6 months. It takes longer to heal inside compared to the surface and to be patient. My second day out of surgery I was crying and asking why did I go through with the surgery? I was so nauseas, my blood sugar was all over the place, and I felt horrible. Once I figured out I have a high pain tolerance and the Surgeon put me back on Torodol, that helped alot! For me, being nauseas, is hell! I had my thyroid removed a year ago, and I could not stop throwing up. After 3 different meds it was better. I remember how much my incision hurt from throwing up, I can not imagine with 6 incisions!
Are you on medication for your issues? Do you go to a counselor or therapist? I have anxiety, depression and I am Bi-polar (manic depressive disorder). I am medicated and see a counselor every 2 weeks. That is my key. Therapy. Someone who sees outside my box of life and is a clean set of eyes to help me with things I may not even be aware that I am doing. She is blunt and does give her opinion when I ask for it. Otherwise it is a way to vent without hurting family and friends. It truly is my saving grace.
Also if you are a believer, turn to the Lord. He has my faith to help me through the really terrible times.
I hope things get easier. Please try not to feel discouraged. I know that is sooooo much easier said than done. But when your mind tells you to eat things that you are not supposed to, stop and think about it. Do I really NEED that or is it a WANT. If we give into our wants, we wont get what we need. Keep the faith. You can private message also if you need someone to talk to. Good luck and God bless!


SW:350 (11/2015)
BSW:260 (10/17/17)
CW:250 (officially down by 100 lbs. since the start of my journey!)
GW:175

[dreamingsmall 1,125]

I'm so sorry you finding things hard. And you should be proud of your self for being able to be honest.

I'm concerned that you mention your husband getting angry and then something happened. I won't make assumptions but I hope your in a safe situation.

Your not alone on this journey we are here with you.

[Berry78 4,259]

Quote

You're always one decision away from a totally different life.

[Berry78 4,259]

Quote

You're always one decision away from a totally different life.

[JeffN 106]

Thank you for sharing, I think most of us believe that if I could only lose the weight my life would be better just to find like most addicts that the weight was a symptom of a more significant issue. I saw that during my weight loss I would run through a gambit of emotions. I have done some reading and found that our body not only stores sugars in fat but also stores hormones in the fat. I am glad that you are losing your weight because like my DR told me that now that I am going to live longer maybe that will give me time to sort out the other things in my life. We are not perfect, but life is to be lived, sometimes it is good, but different times it can be difficult but the key to embrace what it throws at you and to remember that we are here for a short time and not to get hung up on the small stuff.