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Hit me with your best dad jokes

StephersSweet

By StephersSweet, in The Lounge

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Rainbow_Warrior    996

Rainbow_Warrior
Posted

A polar bear enters a new bar in his home town and speaks with the bartender (whom he's never met before) ...

BARTENDER: What'll it be, pal?

BEAR: Please get me a gin ... err ...

The bartender steps back, turns, then opens a bottle from the shelf behind him and pours a shot over two ice-cubes.

He motions to place it in front of the polar bear.

BARTENDER: There you are!

BEAR: And tonic, please.

The bartender clicks his tongue with frustration at the late change of order.

BARTENDER: Hey fella, why the big pause?

BEAR: No idea. My dad had 'em too. It must be hereditary.

StephersSweet reacted to this

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StephersSweet    78

StephersSweet
Posted

On ‎9‎/‎27‎/‎2017 at 8:18 AM, Rainbow_Warrior said:

BARTENDER: Hey fella, why the big pause?

BEAR: No idea. My dad had 'em too. It must be hereditary.

DYING!!!! I laughed so loud at my desk.

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Rainbow_Warrior    996

Rainbow_Warrior
Posted

everything_in_moderation.thumb.jpeg.63a880d2e9694fdbbca637d9bb1ebc82.jpeg antennae_wed.thumb.jpeg.7e9469c61bb2acb09bcb498a3faf544c.jpeg 1forrrest1.thumb.jpeg.615318dcff89bd7d2588cc76dd90901d.jpeg

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Rainbow_Warrior    996

Rainbow_Warrior
Posted

More groaners Sunday morning. dad_joke_sodium.thumb.png.03d157fec87bdde222bc7f872281dec8.pngdad_joke_beaver_dam.png.fdfe3801fb8f8ca3dcb43ed25ddea839.png

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Rainbow_Warrior    996

Rainbow_Warrior
Posted

Even more ...

These ones based on show biz names ...

dad_joke_reese_w.png.5747dfa831aaef95101b76fb3fe619ae.png

dad_joke_dick_pic.png.a266387571916de78bbf274043752181.png

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Rainbow_Warrior    996

Rainbow_Warrior
Posted

dad_joke_harry_watt.png.df624c1a82dc82f614b4f4490e0e305b.png

dad_joke_bucket_list.thumb.png.ff5a07489b38fb275e9f8eb73b306f8a.png

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Rainbow_Warrior    996

Rainbow_Warrior
Posted

An old favourite ...

You've all heard of WWJD ... "what would Jesus do?"

It's also "what would Jesus drive?"

The bible clearly implies that Jesus owned a Honda.

dad_joke_Jesus_Honda.thumb.png.13f119f62516f040b32b45e99fbeb8e3.png

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Rainbow_Warrior    996

Rainbow_Warrior
Posted

These are the last couple to have arrived this weekend ...

dad_joke_stopwatch.png.ae56fd7e6b21cc657708355545d36235.png

dad_joke_melancholy.thumb.png.3186f2315350f24ae5482a3e734a258a.png

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kakatlady612    1,053

kakatlady612
Posted

Gosh and I just thought it was the apostles who were in one accord. Got one I heard from my STNA days when I was working in a health care facility. Pastor comes visit Brother Smith one of his retired,deacons from his church. He says are,you saying Grace before meals as,good example? Ah yes he says and gives the Bible location. Pastor goes home, looks it up and it reads "Jesus Christ yesterday today and tomorrow always the same. " This from same gentleman who said " you got to love nursing home chicken.They fix it 6 different ways on 5 different days and it all tastes just the same." He was a hoot!

Sent from my VS880PP using BariatricPal mobile app

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monalyssa33    138

monalyssa33
Posted

My mom is the queen of bad jokes and I have a little back story to one of her jokes. A few years ago my mom took me to the ER because I was suicidal. The ER doctor made a comment about it being 2:30 pm and my mom said, "What's a dentist's favorite time of day?" I'm sitting in this chair like, wow this doctor is probably thinking the wrong person needs to be evaluated. Then my mom delivers the punchline, "Tooth-hurty! Get it?!?" I'm pretty sure the doctor had no idea how to respond to that. I laugh about it now because I'm not depressed anymore and it is funny now.

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    • Alisa_S

      Alisa_S

      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • Alisa_S

      Alisa_S

      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
      · 1 reply
      1. summerseeker

        summerseeker

        Life as a big person had limited my life to what I knew I could manage to do each day. That was eat. I hadn't anything else to look forward to. So my eating choices were the best I could dream up. I planned the cooking in managable lots in my head and filled my day with and around it.

        Now I have a whole new big, bigger, biggest, best days ever. I am out there with those skinny people doing stuff i could never have dreamt of. Food is now an after thought. It doesn't consume my day. I still enjoy the good home cooked food but I eat smaller portions. I leave food on my plate when I am full. I can no longer hear my mother's voice saying eat it all up, ther are starving children in Africa who would want that!

        I still cook for family feasts, I love cooking. I still do holidays but I have changed from the All inclusive drinking and eating everything everyday kind to Self catering accommodation. This gives me the choice of cooking or eating out as I choose. I rarely drink anymore as I usually travel alone now and I feel I need to keep aware of my surroundings.

        I don't know at what point my life expanded, was it when I lost 100 pounds? Was it when I left my walking stick at home ? Was it when I said yes to an outing instead of finding an excuse to stay home ? i look back at my last five years and wonder how loosing weight has made such a difference. Be ready to amaze yourself.

        BTW, the liquid diet sucks, one more day and you are over the worst. You can do it.

    • CaseyP1011

      CaseyP1011

      Officially here for a long time, not just a good time💪
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • KimBaxleyWilson

      KimBaxleyWilson

      Three months and four days ago... I was in Costa Rica having a life changing surgery! Yesterday we had a followup visit with Dr. Esmeral via video chat and this morning my middle number changed.  I'm down 47lbs and two pants sizes. I can wear a Large tshirt for the first time in like... 14 years! Woot!! Everything is going great. I have zero regrets. I went down to the riverwalk with a friend and walked 2 miles on Monday without even getting fatigued. And no more snoring or chugging pickle juice for crazy leg cramps! I need to go to the gym more... I'm making new shirts next week so that will motivate me. LOL But I'm also just not as TIRED all the time! I have a LONG way to go...but seeing the progress on the scales and in the mirror is a huge motivator!! Thank you all for cheering me on and supporting me!!
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • bellaamey

      bellaamey

      https://alluniqueguide.com/java-burn-coffee-reviews/
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      1. This update has no replies.

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