December 14th Surgeries

Hey everyone!

I am getting sleeved tomorrow and I'm as nervous as all get-out. This will be my 6th surgery over all- when I was a kid, I had open heart surgery. Then I had a lap band in 2009. Two skin removal surgeries in 2013. And I had a lap band removal in 2014. Now, I'm getting the sleeve. I have this nervous feeling that my body wont be able to handle anesthesia for a sixth time. I know there are a lot of people who have had more surgeries than me, but my anxiety has to manifest somehow, I guess.

I'm also excited, though. Here's a little bit about my back story: I was 385 lbs at 21 years old when I had the lap band in 2009. Lost 170 lbs and ended up being around 212 lbs at my lowest, after skin removal. I was a size 10/12, down from a tight size 28.

In 2014, I had weird abdominal pain and swelling they couldn't figure out (turned out to be a kidney infection) so as part of the testing, they did a CT on me. When they did the CT, they found that the lap band had moved from its position. Explained the year and a half of upper abdominal pain I was ignoring and my weight gain. I had gained about 30 lbs by then.

They removed the saline from my lap band and I instantly gained 10 lbs. So when I met with my surgeon, he gave me three options: (1) fix the band, (2) remove the band, (3) convert to a sleeve. He was pushing for the last option, but I was sick and incredibly gun shy about having another surgery. I was not ready to have them do anything else to my body. And my husband and I also wanted to start trying to have a baby, and I would have been postponed by at least a year. So I told him to just take out the band. I knew how to work out and eat right and I had worked my ass off before, so I didn't see why I couldn't do so again.

Probably the worst decision I have ever made. I experienced injury after injury that led to more and more weight gain, compounded by the depression (triggered by a lot of things, not least of which was losing one of my biggest life accomplishments, weight loss). Two years later, I'm 322 lbs (as of today- my highest pre-op weight was 338, pre-liquid diet), I'm on a CPAP, my knees creak all day, I have a bulging disc in my back, I can feel my skin stretching around my plastic surgery incisions (which is another huge worry of mine- the plastic surgery recovery was far worse than the lap band itself, so I really don't want to have to redo it), I'm prediabetic again, my PCOS is back, and my life is basically on hold. My worry that I would postpone trying for a baby for a year became 2 years of weight gain that will lead to at least another year, if not longer, of postponing the baby. That's 3 years, instead of the 1 if I had gotten the sleeve 2 years ago.

But hindsight is 20/20, I guess. And if I wasn't ready for the sleeve, then I wouldn't have done well on it.

So I'm glad that I'm doing it now. And I already feel better after losing 18 lbs on the liquid diet. My clothes fit better, I don't hear myself breathing as loudly as before all day. It's only gonna get better from here. I can't wait to get back to working out 6 days a week. Besides the clothes and the confidence, the thing I miss most is being strong and working out. I was doing an hour of cardio 6 days a week, yoga 5 days a week, and strength training 4 days a week. At 212 lbs., I was fit, pain free, with a flat stomach and probably no more than 30 lbs to lose. I need to get back to that, and continue down to a lower weight.

If you pray, please pray for me tonight. If you don't, send out good vibes into the universe for me. And if you need a prayer, I was taught that the prayers of the sick are closer to God, so I'm happy to pray for you during my recovery.

Much love to you all,

Ayah