When do you tell someone new you're dating you've had WLS?

[gpmed 623]

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts! It sounds like my thinking doesn't seem too far off-base to most of you, so that's comforting. I still have about 40 pounds to lose before I'm in normal BMI range, so, unless I'm in denial, I don't look like an elephant naked yet. Hopefully it's obvi from seeing me with clothes on what you might see underneath. Being seven months out, I can generally eat enough to pass as a normal person who just eats smaller portions as long as I go in hungry. Our first date was a dinner date and I ordered trout that came with asparagus. I finished my trout and had a few bites of asparagus. He didn't seem to notice or at least didn't say anything. I generally prefer local restaurants that don't serve huge portions because the food is generally higher-quality and healthier. So that's how my scars are the first thing that would really raise questions.

[gpmed 623]

On a whole another note. So, I guess persons who've had WLS can't have one night stands or have casual relations? IJS

I'm confused. When was this implied?

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

If you wouldn't hand over your Social Security number and bank balance on a first date, there's no reason to discuss surgery with someone who really is a stranger. Whether you blurt or simply/casually work surgery into the first few dates just for the sake of full disclosure, you're really confessing what you see as some sort of sin or shame. No one is so defective that he has to 'prepare' the other party. There is no need to apologize for having had surgery or having been obese. There is no need to ask, in effect, if you have the right to live or are acceptable to another person.

Tell someone when it feels right. Trust your instincts. We make too big a deal about it.

@@Christinamo7 --

"Yes" to the part about letting someone know in advance about the skin. It's tricky, though. How to say it without being apologetic, yet take care of ourselves enough not to see a jaw drop when all is revealed? It's a tough topic, but the important thing is to learn to view ourselves with dignity and acceptance. It's about us, not whomever we may date.

Edited April 22, 2016 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[gpmed 623]

If you wouldn't hand over your Social Security number and bank balance on a first date, there's no reason to discuss surgery with someone who really is a stranger. Whether you blurt or simply/casually work surgery into the first few dates just for the sake of full disclosure, you're really confessing what you see as some sort of sin or shame. No one is so defective that he has to 'prepare' the other party. There is no need to apologize for having had surgery or having been obese. There is no need to ask, in effect, if you have the right to live or are acceptable to another person.

Tell someone when it feels right. Trust your instincts. We make too big a deal about it.

@@Christinamo7 --

"Yes" to the part about letting someone know in advance about the skin. It's tricky, though. How to say it without being apologetic, yet take care of ourselves enough not to see a draw drop when all is revealed? It's a tough topic, but the important thing is to learn to view ourselves with dignity and acceptance. It's about us, not whomever we may date.

As always, you give the best advice! That's generally what I was thinking.

I don't have to deal with the skin so much yet (at least I think), so that is one I may have to contend with later on. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. My surgeon has told me that my insurance covers plastics, and it's always been in the back of my mind to see out plastics if seeing me without my clothes on would indeed cause someone's jaw to drop.

[PaulaB72 49]

I would think it would not be right away - but if you are serious about someone, intimate - considering a life together I would think any kind of past medical history is just naturally something you are going to talk about.

If I were to loose my love (God forbid) and consider marriage again I might want to warn the fella that I look like an elephant when naked, lol.

Sorry, but the elephant comment made me lol. . I totally agree with you though.

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[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

... I can generally eat enough to pass as a normal person who just eats smaller portions as long as I go in hungry.... Our first date was a dinner date and I ordered trout that came with asparagus. I finished my trout and had a few bites of asparagus. He didn't seem to notice or at least didn't say anything. I generally prefer local restaurants that don't serve huge portions because the food is generally higher-quality and healthier. So that's how my scars are the first thing that would really raise questions.

I'm going to scold you for that, Miss Reverse Scarlett O'Hara. She was nearly force-fed before the picnic at Twelve Oaks so that people would only see her eat like a bird, i.e., a proper Southern lady. You bent over backward to eat more than you would ordinarily. Where's the sense? To mix movie metaphors, be a lion, not a mowess.

I don't have to deal with the skin so much yet (at least I think), so that is one I may have to contend with later on. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. My surgeon has told me that my insurance covers plastics, and it's always been in the back of my mind to see out plastics if seeing me without my clothes on would indeed cause someone's jaw to drop.

I hope that means your insurance is friendlier about plastics than others and that, if you decide to go that route, you'll be spared having to get letters in support from every doctor you've ever known, personal trainers, tailors and all the rest.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

the loose skin is a big concern for me. That's one of the reasons I would love to find someone who also has the sleeve. Plus, we would have the cheapest dates...just split an appetizer haha

[gpmed 623]

I don't have to deal with the skin so much yet (at least I think), so that is one I may have to contend with later on. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. My surgeon has told me that my insurance covers plastics, and it's always been in the back of my mind to see out plastics if seeing me without my clothes on would indeed cause someone's jaw to drop.

I hope that means your insurance is friendlier about plastics than others and that, if you decide to go that route, you'll be spared having to get letters in support from every doctor you've ever known, personal trainers, tailors and all the rest.

Oh, geez. I hope so too. I haven't thought a ton about it. I'm not at the point to decide if I'll need plastics. I'm doing fine right now without it, but in 40 pounds, who knows? I was just excited cause my doctor said it's covered by insurance and I don't have to document skin rashes or any crap like that.

[nyseness 76]

Interesting topic. I'm still pre-op but I figured I would keep it to myself, didn't know if was something I should mention. I've been single for at least 4 yrs now, I guess when/if I start dating it's something I need to think about.

A friend of mines had the Bypass done before she started dating this guy for years. She told him she had it done and he didn't believe her. He said he couldn't imagine her fat. lol

[o00 494]

I have been dating someone for a little while now. He knows I had surgery. I didn't specify but being in the medical field and fireman he is not clueless. He encourages my healthier lifestyle. And has never made any negative comments about my weight even when I was at my highest weight. I was very self conscious about dating him pre surgery so I waited till 3.5 months post surgery before I accepted his invite for a date. He even fixes my lunches now and I have trained him to measure my 3 ounces of Protein. There are nice people out there who really will appreciate you just the way you are and won't make you feel uncomfortable about who you are and will support you in your WLS journey. Last night, I mentioned I may need to get boob augmentation and Tummy Tuck. He said you know what you are doing stay on your plan and don't let anyone or anything deter you.

Edited April 22, 2016 by dusky goddess

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I tell I have lost weight, had skin removal. If they asked I would tell, but I'll be 5 years post op in Dec and it just doesn't seem that relevant that I now have a normal instead of overwhelming appetite.

[AvaFern 3,516]

I lie. As far as I'm concerned it is not a man's business until at the minimum he is my fiance, and even then I'm not sure I will tell him. I had a Tummy Tuck though so my sleeve scars are gone, but my plan before that was to simply say I had my gallbladder removed. The only person's business it is is yours and until you are in a sincerely serious relationship where they might have to make life or death medical decisions for you, my rationale is that it's mine to know and there's to maybe at some point find out. Everyone has secrets; there's nothing wrong with yours staying that way.

[jea(n__n)ette 98]

I think it's up to how comfortable you feel with the new person you're dating. For myself, I'm an open book and I'm going to be blunt and say what I have to say. In regards to my 1/2 - 1 cup meal portion, they'll definitely know why I'm having 2 bites of their appetizer, entrée, and dessert!

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[Alex Brecher 10,484]

@@gpmed,

I haven’t handled this situation personally, but I do know that it’s up to you. You asked when you should tell him. You should tell him when you want to tell him, if that ever happens. You’re under no obligation to tell him if you don’t want to.

The only reason I can really think of to tell him ASAP even if you don’t want to would be if you suspect that it will be a deal breaker. If you tell him now and it turns out to be a deal breaker, you can avoid wasting your time with him.

But it’s completely up to you! And keep in mind, there’s a good chance it won’t be a big deal. WLS and weight are probably not things he’s spent years focusing on like you have.

[lfw57 17]

I agree with Alex. You are under no obligation to tell. Your body and surgery is very personal and is your business. I'm pre-op but have thought about this, as I'm single. I can't imagine I would get into a relationship with someone who has a bias against this to begin with.

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