People Understanding

[Hannahb3997 60]

If feel like people say they understand what it's like being overweight but you don't really understand if you haven't experienced. Many of my friends, who are much lighter that me, say that I am too sensitive and that they know what it is like to be as big as I am and all the struggles that come with it. I am having really bad anxiety lately and people don't understand that it is my self-consciousness. How do you deal with people who think they have an understanding of being 330 pounds (5'2"). It is much different than people think.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

Why does it matter? No one can understand what it is to be like you. Even if they are the same height and weight.

You can't look for validation and acceptance from other people because you will always be let down.

You know what it is like to be you, that should be all that matters. You need to work on your self consciousness on your own. As you lose weight it will only get worse not better. Not being comfortable with yourself will only make your weight loss harder.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I agree with you, they will never understand. I thought I was huge when I weighed 200# but spending time in the 300s changed my perspective. Don't try to make them understand and be grateful for friends who care about you and want to empathize.

[yerawizardamy 241]

I would simply say, "I understand that you think you know what I experience in my daily life at my size, but you really have no clue. Thanks for the input though." Which is pretty much what I plan on saying to anyone who questions my decision for this surgery! More like "Okay, next time you're a fat woman, give me a call and we can discuss your thoughts on WLS then."

[Cervidae 2,389]

I'm in a sort of odd situation now. I've lost 110 pounds since surgery 6 months ago, and 165 since my highest weight two years ago. It's a LOT of weight that's just gone forever and a freaking enormous, life-altering change for the better. And yet, I'm still 277 pounds. This is a weight that many people start the surgery process at. It's weird to have done so, so much and come so far and also know that there are people at this weight who call themselves names and feel huge. I'm finally starting to feel like a person again but if I tried to measure my success based on the understanding and experience of others, I think I would be feeling pretty bad about myself.

It's true that no one could possibly truly understand the difficulties of being over 300, over 400 pounds (and up) unless they have experienced it themselves. In a way, that makes me feel a little lonely, and like I need to defend and explain myself to others. But in the end, even if you could magically make a person spend a day in your body, they still wouldn't understand what it's like to be you and to have lived your life as you. You've gotta just know who you are and know your value and strength completely separate from the opinions and judgments of others.

[Hannahb3997 60]

Why does it matter? No one can understand what it is to be like you. Even if they are the same height and weight.

You can't look for validation and acceptance from other people because you will always be let down.

You know what it is like to be you, that should be all that matters. You need to work on your self consciousness on your own. As you lose weight it will only get worse not better. Not being comfortable with yourself will only make your weight loss harder.

I know that it shouldn't matter what others think and I am usually more confident and comfortable with myself that this, but it's just when my best friend is like that it's upsetting. It matters because I value her opinion. I don't hold it against anyone for not understanding, but when people continuously say that they know what it's like and they understand it just is a bit annoying. Thank you for all you advice, I am feeling better about it.

[cadladykim 55]

It's all a matter of perspective. @Cervidae Made a good point, regardless of the situation, no one except you will ever know what it is like to feel the way YOU feel in the same situation.

No 2 people think exactly the same way about the same thing. 25 years ago I thought I was obese at 200 and felt horrible about myself, depressed, ugly...etc. as the years went on, I felt horrible at 250 and at 300+ and WISHING I was only 250 again or dreaming of only being 200. But that doesn't diminish how I actually felt at those other weights and how absolutely horrible I felt about myself at those times. Because in MY HEAD I might as well have been 1000# because I was the ugliest person alive and no one could understand how I felt. Ans when someone at a lesser weight would say they felt fat - sure I would get mad, thinking "If you only knew what fat was really like". But how do I know what mind demons are making them feel that way about themselves? I'm sure their feelings are just as valid as mine are.

People will think what they think and we cant waste our time getting upset about it because their perspective isn't the same as ours. Whether it's about weight or something else. Everyone's feelings matter.

[cadladykim 55]

ok

Edited February 17, 2016 by cadladykim

[dhrguru 1,238]

If feel like people say they understand what it's like being overweight but you don't really understand if you haven't experienced. Many of my friends, who are much lighter that me, say that I am too sensitive and that they know what it is like to be as big as I am and all the struggles that come with it. I am having really bad anxiety lately and people don't understand that it is my self-consciousness. How do you deal with people who think they have an understanding of being 330 pounds (5'2"). It is much different than people think.

Part of me wonders if what they can relate to is the struggle to lose weight. I don't care if you have 20 or 200#'s to lose-- the battle is no different. But I agree, living SMO @ 330#'s vs. totally different than living "overweight" at 215#'s. Granted the health impact can be the same at both weight though.

[dhrguru 1,238]

I'm in a sort of odd situation now. I've lost 110 pounds since surgery 6 months ago, and 165 since my highest weight two years ago. It's a LOT of weight that's just gone forever and a freaking enormous, life-altering change for the better. And yet, I'm still 277 pounds. This is a weight that many people start the surgery process at. It's weird to have done so, so much and come so far and also know that there are people at this weight who call themselves names and feel huge. I'm finally starting to feel like a person again but if I tried to measure my success based on the understanding and experience of others, I think I would be feeling pretty bad about myself.

It's true that no one could possibly truly understand the difficulties of being over 300, over 400 pounds (and up) unless they have experienced it themselves. In a way, that makes me feel a little lonely, and like I need to defend and explain myself to others. But in the end, even if you could magically make a person spend a day in your body, they still wouldn't understand what it's like to be you and to have lived your life as you. You've gotta just know who you are and know your value and strength completely separate from the opinions and judgments of others.

I totally get where you are coming from. I cringe when I see certain self-loathing posts about starting at a weight many dream to just reach. I try not to to say anything about it because I think we all had a degree of self-disgust at some point or another-- and came to terms with who we are/were at different paces. I just write it off to that person never learned to love/appreciate themselves at their highest weight. It took some work, but I did.

[karen091866 120]

I had my 3-month post-op appointment yesterday, 2/15/16 & mentioned something similar to my surgeon.

I am one that has struggled w/ weight for a majority of my life--but have had periods where I enjoyed a healthy weight for periods of time. Since having my surgery & dropping a great deal of weight in a short time, I definitely am perceived differently....But here's the caveat....I also see myself differently. This being the case, it is up to ME to adjust how I navigate the world.

The newly-added attention has kind of made me a bit of a turtle....I'll think I have my 'sea-legs' and be out shopping or whatever...then some sort of new attention comes my way...and "into the shell I go".....Not that the attention scares me, but it is foreign. My philosophy has become: "I'm the same person I've always been. If you didn't have time for me before, I don't have time for YOU now"....and this is what works for me. I'm not going to wade in the shallow pool.

I have tried to find words for it...and there aren't words...it is just how society is. Obesity is like the proverbial "Scarlett Letter"...when we are overweight, we stick out...we do not "blend"....Let's be honest with ourselves....I'm not trying to start a battle of words on this page by any means...but our lifestyle choices made us different from the mainstream - and society is harsh. People who have always been a normal weight cannot relate to extreme weight loss...and why should we expect them to? I have light brown hair...and cannot relate to stigmas associated with blondes or redheads...and don't want to.

This is MY life, my journey...and I have to find my own way. Those closest to me DO understand the struggles---because I've taken the time to explain them. If I can't "own this" and be honest and purge myself of everything associated with the extra weight, I'm not going to ever emerge from that shell.

I kind of liken the process to AA or something...we have to first ADMIT that there is a problem...decide to get help...seek support from others that understand (this website, our 'in-person support groups', family)---and then we have to WORK OUR RECOVERY by exercising, eating healthy, DOING what the Nutritionist TELLS US TO DO...and Living the Change ---every...single....day. * Disclaimer * that doesn't mean we aren't human...and it certainly doesn't imply that the road will be easy --- Stay focused...and keep your eye on the prize!

My decision to have my sleeve was about being healthy...and nothing more. I shouldn't have to hope anyone would have issues understanding that.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I remember feeling a little "put off" by people who would make a point out of how they weren't always fat....and list the causes. Sometimes the tone struck me as feeling more deserving of weight loss or something. I called someone out on it and she honestly had not noticed but then rereading and thinking through her biases, yeah she did kind of think that way. She made a conscious decision to not judge people on "how" or "how long" people were obese.

Anyway over time it doesn't matter but I do recall feeling that way .

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using BariatricPal

[scarletwitch19 302]

People mean well, but I definitely can come across wrong. I've had that with alot of friends. I've also found that just because someone's overweight doesn't mean they're going to understand this process or be supportive. It sucks, but through wls you really need to be your own advocate. Try not to worry what others think, and don't forget its none of their business, you don't need to share anything you don't want to. Surround yourselves with people who do understand, like everyone on here. We've all gone through it or will be going through it. Unfortunately through this process alot of us have learned that all friends don't stay friends. This year is about you, you need to be selfish and do whatever it takes to be successful.

[j16 166]

It's true that they can't really understand but maybe they think they do because they care about you and want to be that sympathetic . We all like to think we are empathetic enough to understand each other's troubles.