Struggling with forgiveness horse related

[2goldengirl 2,076]

@@CowgirlJane, I have developed a crush on your horse. He sounds like such a love!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

@@CowgirlJane ... we know each other only online here. In other words, I don't know you or your psyche very well, like I might if we knew each other IRL.

But *projecting* myself into your shoes (which is just exactly that, nothing more) I would interpret what happened like this:

I (you) contributed more to her than I was really comfortable doing, because each of my acts of generosity felt right to offer at the time. Over time, the balance of our mutual contributions to each other (as good friends are wont to extend to each other) got WAY out of kilter. You became the giver, and she became the taker (even though this was unaligned with her espoused ideology).

In your shoes, what I would eventually perceive is how unbalanced our mutual contributions to each other had become and would start to resent the imbalance. And I'd be pissed at myself, too, for doing this again (since I do a lot of generous things quite impulsively because of the feel-good potential in the moment).

And now it's hard to get back to how it used to be, since she has accepted favors she didn't ask for, but nevertheless took advantage of because she never said, "No, thanks," or was generous in return, e.g., "I have to do something for you now."

Yes, she took advantage of all the things you offered, then was (somewhat) true to her own ideology not to offer or ask for favors. And you (understandably) wound up resenting the mounting imbalances in the relationship.

I dunno that she meant to make a *mark* out of you. But she certainly isn't a good match for your generosity. And, in your shoes, I would probably feel (at this point) like I'd been a mark of both her and my own doing.

I would say you could try to be friends with her anew, but on new terms: You stop extending favors to her that she doesn't ask for and find out if she can hang with you without relying on your favors.

What do you think about that?

[Julie norton 2,850]

I know I'm looking at this simply, however:

It should not be so hard to be friends. It mostly does not involve hurt to remain friends.

I'm guessing many of us have "taker" friends ( and giving friends I hope)

And sometimes limiting contact is what I choose so I don't have to rethink and ruminate over the relationship....again...and again

My take is that it could happen again.

Best of luck to a strong person????????

[FrankyG 1,450]

She doesn't sound like much of a friend. She is a taker and doesn't give anything back to you in return.

When she knew you needed help after surgery, she refused even though it would not have caused her any real hardship. I don't buy the worry about the goats and horse interaction; she was familiar with the horse and if you have a good idea of its personality, you know how it would act/react around other animals.

She just didn't want to put herself out or inconvenience herself.

The fact that she bought an untried horse rescue speaks to her own self-centered thinking. She wanted it, so she bought it. She wasn't worrying about the goats then.

You sound like a really cool person, and one that deserves to have friends that appreciate them and want to help out because they care about you. Not ones that just use you for what they can get out of you.

(and if it was me in the same situation - I'd have offered to come take care of the horses in their own stable/home for free because I would be so grateful for the chance to even ride around in a paddock, let alone you hauling them out to ride on trails and letting friend ride any time for free! I miss having horses so much...)

[Valentina 2,642]

You sound to be a woman who doesn't make true/deep friends easily, but when you do, it's for keeps.

Maybe it's time to put the kettle on and have a "truth time tea party". I think you can't let it go because you haven't addressed it.

Tell her, as her friend, --calmly, but without mincing, just how you FEEL. True friends don't always have to be of one mind about every issue. If your friend doesn't realize how deeply you feel about this issue, how can she appreciate the seriousness of your now negative feelings.

Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They're feelings. They are the barest, but truest inner termoil anyone can experience.

Give your friendship this last effort, before "letting go". Friends need to be cherished and held on to--not let go of--until all efforts to save it have failed.

Think about it.

Valentina

[RILEYSMOM22 344]

It has always been my philosophy that true friends don't keep score. However, I have also ended up feeling as you do (usually with family). When you feel that you have given and given, and then you need just this one favor and they can't come through for you, it sucks. Its not like you were asking for a kidney! But, you have to let it go. Call it a learning experience and move on. Decide if your life is better with this person in it, or not. If it isn't, then distance yourself.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Maybe it is simpler than any of this.

Until about 10 years ago I was very close to my mom and sister- they were my best friends. They both passed and it forced me into finding others to have some sort of closeness. I have very close relationships with my sons and ex, but outside of them, only 2 others that are very close to me. M is one of them. It is a hard truth to face that regardless of how good of friends we are, she is not one where "we have each others back"

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Maybe it is simpler than any of this.

Until about 10 years ago I was very close to my mom and sister- they were my best friends. They both passed and it forced me into finding others to have some sort of closeness. I have very close relationships with my sons and ex, but outside of them, only 2 others that are very close to me. M is one of them. It is a hard truth to face that regardless of how good of friends we are, she is not one where "we have each others back"

You may want to try widening your circle of friends. None of us can get all of our needs met from just or two friends, especially if you no longer have close family members.

[4MRB4PHOTO 3,899]

Do you pray? Do you have a God box?

It sounds a little Whoo Whoo, but it works for me.

Write on a piece of paper what you are concerned about/what you want to let go/forgive/resent and date it. Pray, turning it over to God asking God to bring you resolution and peace and then place the paper in the box.

It can be remarkably freeing.

If that doesn't work, take the piece of paper out of the box, roll it up into a tight paper wad, find the individual you wrote it about and throw it at that person's head.

[4MRB4PHOTO 3,899]

I do a lot more for other people then what they reciprocate with. This can lead to disappointment since we expect others to be like us. It doesn't have to be equal in nature or even one for one, but a handmade card or letter, plate of veggies (cookies are better, but we are all WLS pre/post patients here), or even a little token gift from a thrift store can all say "Thanks, I appreciated that".

Continue to do nice things for her (and others), it makes you feel good.

Just don't expect people to reciprocate and you won't set yourself up for disappointment.

For people that only know how to take and not give, maybe don't do as much for them.

As my mother always told me when I was younger, "Get out of the bathroom and stop doing that! You'll go blind!".

(I know that isn't profound or remotely related in any way, but I hope you smiled).

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I have lots of friends. . It just takes years before I feel close to them, but you are right I need to expand my "inner circle "

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

If that doesn't work, take the piece of paper out of the box, roll it up into a tight paper wad, find the individual you wrote it about and throw it at that person's head.

What I'm about to write almost didn't come to pass. Then I read your follow-up next note that followed and said, "Shoot, go for it."

By the time I got half-way through "If that doesn't work....," I fully expected advice to roll a joint. Then you let me down.

P.S. Your mom was a martinet?

Edited February 2, 2016 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[NikkiDoc 312]

She is not a good friend that will stick with you through thick and thin. She is a fair weather friend. I wouldn't necessarily cut her off all together but I would dial things back. I would certainly NOT go out of my way to help her train the rescue horse.

Now if you want to go on a trail ride with somebody and no one else is available, sure go with her. This way you are getting something out of the deal- somebody to ride with.

Do not give her spare tack. Yes you had 2 horses, now you have 1 so may not need as much stuff. If she wants it and you no longer want it she can pay for it up front. Do NOT loan it to her. You will never see it again or if you do it will not be in good shape when you take it back. Once again you are both getting something out of the deal- her tack, you money. Maybe you can give her a little price break as would be an easy convenient sale for you- no EBay/PayPal fees, no tack store consignment fees for you to pay.

My guess is that buying the rescue horse was also all about making her look good. It is real fashionable right now to have a rescue horse or a rescue dog. "Oh look aren't I a wonderful person? I RESCUED this poor neglected animal. I am just SOOO generous and altruistic."

Rescue also gives them that out on bad behavior by the horse- like forever. Ten years later she can still be saying "Oh she drags me around, gets in my personal space, kicks, makes ugly faces, runs away with me, bucks and it is ALL because poor little Dobbin is so misunderstood and was ABUSED before I got her. Since she was mistreated so badly no way can I reprimand her or set boundaries. Poor little maresy-poo has PTSD, disciplining her will bring on flashbacks."

It is all about her and what people can do for her. She has no time or interest in doing anything inconvenient for her.

If you know that about her you can still interact with her but protect yourself from getting hurt. Set boundaries for yourself so that you don't give her too much and then you get resentful of her and mad at yourself. She has shown you her true colors. Don't let yourself forget those colors.

Trust me, I understand. I am a giver by nature. I used to let myself get taken advantage of. I have had to learn to no put my hand up and volunteer for everything. I have had to learn to say NO. I am on a horse board, Chronicle of the Horse forums. There is a favorite saying. "No, is a complete sentence." I always want to justify why I say No to something I need to get better about just saying no. Or No I can't do that.

Just be careful with your old guy around the rescue horse. Sometimes there are reasons that a horse got dumped at a low end auction and wound up at a feedlot. Not that there aren't good horses that go to slaughter but there are plenty that are POS or just so broken they are not safe for man or beast to be around.

[judy1234 27]

Maybe you are having such difficulty forgiving her because in your heart you don't really want to. You know this person doesn't share your values and isn't a good friend but your head thinks it "should" want to salvage the friendship. It can be hard to distinguish whether we truly want something or whether we just think we should want it.

I would stop rowing and see if the boat still moves. If not, you know you are doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking.

Just as an aside, if it were me and I was watching her ruin the rescue because she didn't have the energy/knowledge/money to get it trained properly, it would be very upsetting. I might let the friendship go just so I didn't have to watch it unfold.

She is a good friend, but she has a self image or world view of independence which is, ask no favors. Like she is proud of her independence. When this initially happened I did some self examination. I did not do "favors" expecting anything back. I thought I had come to peace with just accepting that we are different types, I am a giver and while she is not a manipulative"taker" she isn't a giver either. I decided that I would simply adjust my view of our friendship and in truth have spent less time with her over the last year. I think that has bothered her, but it has been difficult to discuss because whenever it gets even close, she mentions about my horse, and not being sure he is safe with goats since he has never lived with them. One of the many reasons I wound up selling the younger more difficult horse is because of the realization that I needed more help (in small ways) and I wasn't benefiting from owning two. My old man is 25 in a month and I fear approaching retirement so I do have some decisions to make, aside from this friendship.

What brought it all to the surface was her taking on this project horse that she can't really afford (it needs professional training etc.) when she could have kept my older horse, on my dime. My older horse is that special one of a kind who likes to "go" but keeps you safe whether it is hanging off the side of a mountain, galloping the open beach, or navigation urban environments (I rode him in a very noisy parade, for example).

Anyway,it isn't about the horses, it is about the fact that I feel hurt and intellectually I know I am hanging on to this -and which I thought I was over it- it does me no good. If she were an all around lousy friend, it would be easy, but she isn't. And it takes me a very long time to let someone get this close to me.

I gave up another friend because she put my life in danger on a technically difficult ride due to her explosive temper. At first, I just scaled back my rides with her, but the day she screamed at me just because I called her phone at a bad time was the last straw. She apologized profusely the next day, especially since it was in the context of me doing a favor for her, but it was the last straw and we are no longer friends. This lady, T, has ruined 2 horses that I know of due to her temper and it has cost her many friendships so it was easier to let go since I just didn't want that toxic personality around me anymore. A very different situation.

Anyway,I do want to let it go and be happy and hopeful for M that she can make the feedlot horse workout, but I do not feel genuine and I want to get over it.

[Sharpie 3,306]

Jane there are "real" friends and "user" friends. I am a horse person have been for most of my life. I can tell you horse people are difficult to figure out sometimes. I had a friend who wanted to ride, didn't have much money either, I loaned her a horse she ended up selling it and never paid me or even told me until it was too late. I was so angry , Because come to find out that horse went to a bad home, lived in neglect and ultimately starved.. I have bought and sold horses and some of those experiences were not good. People will lie and cheat to get money or whatever they are after. I am truly sorry for your experience but one thing I have done over the years is if someone is not honest with me and contributes to the friendship without expecting me to give them something I will be okay, if not, I'm done, Toxic is a word I use for people who negatively affect you. You can not forgive or forget until you decide to let it go and stay away from that person.