Back in the Game Again

[bellabloom 2,469]

Deleted

Edited May 20, 2016 by bellabloom

[Dub 10,026]

Maybe just enjoy being you for a while.

Enjoy time with your friends and family.

Let it happen on its own.

If you aren't excited about it......don't push it.

Dating sure can bring on a lot of pressure and it can be hard to think objectively at times. Most everyone puts on a great front.....then you get to peak behind the curtain and see what's what. That can be more stressful.

You'll reach a point where it will be natural.....and seem fun and you'll be enthused. That's the time to start getting back in the game.

[gowalking 10,790]

I agree with Dub. Dating can be exhausting and there's nothing wrong with taking a break.

[Heather I 500]

I did a ton of online dating, and I hate when people would say, "it happens when you're not looking."

I don't think it's accurate, at least not in my case -- but it happened when I didn't care if it DID happen and finally let my guard down to be "me," without putting on my perma-24-hour smiley personality to my now-husband. I was my real self, warts and all, and he loved me anyway.

IDK. I think dating kind of stinks. It's fun when you click with someone, but it's a lot of pressure wondering if the person is right, long-term, blah, blah, blah.

Maybe when you're under 25 and there aren't as many expectations of "where is this going," but it's kinda work to get out there. Cut yourself some slack and enjoy the time off of no pressure. Dating can be hard. It's nothing like the movies with over-the-top expensive, romantic, thoughtful, exotic gestures.

My husband won me by being honest about who he was, direct, and wasn't a wishy-washy putz who didn't know what he wanted out of a relationship. He periodically is incredibly sensitive, romantic, heartfelt, and sweet. He also, periodically, is obtuse, rude, and not helpful with chores, LOL.

There are good people out there, and that's a good attitude to have. I say look for a man who is happy in life. I think a good attitude is a big deal!

I never believe that there are "no men out there," there's just lulls in the action sometimes finding them.

[bellabloom 2,469]

All true! I don't want to take a break though. I want to go out and have fun! I just want to have it be fun. Why does it matter if we click and fall in love or we don't?? I should be able to just enjoy the adventure. It was like that before and should be again.

I don't really care if I fall in love as long as I feel like I'm alive and enjoying my life. Falling in love should be a side effect of living vibrantly.

I think I am afraid of choosing poorly again. Yeah. I am.

Someone who is happy in life. I need to get that tattooed somewhere.

Edited December 23, 2015 by bellabloom

[rleslye 3]

The truth of the matter is that technology and texting has watered people down and they simply aren't that interesting anymore. People prefer to text because they have lost the art of conversation. That is also why dates are not that much fun and people are not enthusiastic. They sit there and then go home and text you. Hard to get excited by people any more.

[Heather I 500]

I don't know if I agree with that re: texting. My take on it is like the movie/line, "he's just not that into you." When they are into you -- you know it; they call and talk and cannot be deterred from the woman they want. Just have to find the guy who has a pair and uses them to move things forward;-)

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@bellabloom - I hate to say this, but it's a numbers game. You gotta keep slogging through until you find the right one. Online dating is just a means to meeting a person who might be the right one. I looked up the numbers and there are 2500 single women within 20 miles of me who are between 40-52 with a college degree (my preferred criteria). The hard part was trying to find them. I figured out that 300 of them were using Match.com (some complicated math involved in making that estimate). That was the biggest group of women who I was interested in my area. So that's where I concentrated my time.

After my divorce I took a year to get my head clear before I began to date. My first real relationship result could be summed up by saying I wasted 19 months dating/pursuing the wrong woman, but I also learned a great deal from the relationship. However I learned much about what I didn't want and it opened the door for finding the woman I am seeing now.

So yes it has been an expensive and exhausting search, but the rewards are so worth it. Congratulations on getting back in the game.

Now take heart...the lady I am very serious about was only on Match a week, I am the only one she has been out with following her divorce and our relationship has been a slow and steady increase in intimacy. The only problem is she has no funny dating stories.

[jane13 2,256]

@@bellabloom - you need a break, period.

Go out with friends (female and male) just enjoy - YOU.

You have kids...enjoy them and being a mom.

Like @@Dub, @@gowalking and @@OKCPirate said you need to enjoy you, and sift thru dates and not put a "title" or timeline on any first, second, third date...

That tattoo you mentioned "someone who is happy in life" you need to really ask yourself if YOU are happy in life right now.

Get there first, ON YOUR OWN.

Not with a man beside you, its not fair to bring a man into the picture and then when you realize you are not happy he gets the blame. I am not saying he is to blame, or that you are to blame for your unhappiness. I am saying that if you need a man beside you then you really aren't truly happy in life. You have to be happy first, trust me.

Been there done that.

[Djmohr 6,965]

I am with the others, if you simply go out and have fun with your friends, and literally focus on that you will meet someone interesting.

It is when you are focused on finding mr. Right that it simply eludes you.

I remember when I met my husband. He was not my type at all, I did not want to go out with anyone let alone him. He simply started showing up at our usual hangout a lot. I finally agreed to go eat with him and some other friends, after 3 months of grabbing a bite with other friends we went on an actual date. It was about 3 months after that when I realized I was actually head over heels in love with him. I remember it vividly because I had just gone through a divorce and was not looking.

I wanted to be single for a while.

I cried when I realized I was in love and finally told him.

We have been married 28 wonderful years and he is my very best friend. I would not give up 1 second with him.

It will happen when it happens whether you like it or not.

Just go have fun! And good luck!

[TheRealMeIsHere! 863]

All true! I don't want to take a break though. I want to go out and have fun! I just want to have it be fun. Why does it matter if we click and fall in love or we don't?? I should be able to just enjoy the adventure. It was like that before and should be again.

I don't really care if I fall in love as long as I feel like I'm alive and enjoying my life. Falling in love should be a side effect of living vibrantly.

I think I am afraid of choosing poorly again. Yeah. I am.

Someone who is happy in life. I need to get that tattooed somewhere.

I'm with you! I want to go out, have fun and if a relationship happens so be it! I'm actually so happy being single that it would take someone amazing to become a part of my daily life. I just want more friends.

Are there opportunities for group activities in your area? Cooking classes? Walking/hiking groups? book clubs? Etc...

[LipstickLady 25,682]

All true! I don't want to take a break though. I want to go out and have fun! I just want to have it be fun. Why does it matter if we click and fall in love or we don't?? I should be able to just enjoy the adventure. It was like that before and should be again.

I don't really care if I fall in love as long as I feel like I'm alive and enjoying my life. Falling in love should be a side effect of living vibrantly.

I think I am afraid of choosing poorly again. Yeah. I am.

Someone who is happy in life. I need to get that tattooed somewhere.

Then just do that. Instead of worrying about a blossoming relationship, a potential partner, a love interest, just go out and have fun. You've had a lot going on lately between weight loss, unsuccessful treatment, a failed relationship...I can't imagine you are in a place to find a healthy relationship that will be right for YOU once everything is aligned.

Heal your body, heal your heart, heal your mind by just being you. Go dance, hike, take classes, learn a language, an instrument, to knit. The possibilities are endless! Find the new you and the right relationship will come along eventually.

[bellabloom 2,469]

I'm feeling better today and more optimistic. I went out on an online date last night and while I wasn't attracted to him, it was fun.

I'm not going to stop dating or looking. No one finds love sitting on their couch eating popcorn and watching it on tv. When my kids aren't home, I'd rather be out socializing and enjoying my time even if it's not fireworks. I have had a tough year and the last thing I want to do is stay home and stare at the wall trying to "get happy in myself."

I am happy in myself. I'm really proud of myself. I've gone through some shit and come out still feeling optimistic about life.

My new years resolution is to choose someone amazing, and walk away from red flags early on. This is going to be the year I find someone incredible because I finally know what I need.

[Heather I 500]

Good for you!

My friend came out of a long 20+year marriage and is dating again. At first it was the frantic, I-don't-want-to-be-alone dating, and now she's totally reveling in dating and taking it one date at a time and just enjoying the process again.

it'll happen. It's good you are having fun going out and being social!

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Umm, true confession, while I told myself I was looking for love at the beginning of the year (after some very significant weight loss) I think I was really just looking for fun. I found it. Every first date ended up with great sex. I didn't really calm down and finish sowing all the wild oats until August. You may be resisting because you want the affirmation. I think that's what I wanted (at least for a season). Not trying to knock you off stride and I am certainly not one to judge, but be open to that idea.