Getting intimate

[sandi_022 6]

Ok, so I've lost 60lbs so far, I've got the "Tina, the talking tummy" issue, or the "apron" stomach. It hangs, and it's disgusting. Since losing the weight, and having a baby prior, I absolutely hate it. I always feel the need to explain to men about my situation. I already know the "if they love/like you, they won't care" so I'm not looking for that answer, but what do you women tell men, or visa versa, or do you not tell them at all? I'm just afraid of being rejected I guess. Does anyone else have this fear?

[KindaFamiliar 3,867]

Date a fellow sleever...

That way everybody is clear on the whole saggy skin/awkward displays of grisly bits/odd slapping sounds situations...

[sandi_022 6]

Could, but how realistic is that really?

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Ok, I hope you find this a funny story. I had lost over 150#, late 40s, yes... I'd had kiddos too. My excess tummy skin was pretty bad although I was good at disguising it with Spanx. I remember once about fainting when i saw myself in the mirror at the gym doing planks. The hanging tummy from that angle was freakish.

So, I find myself single. I had been intimacy deprived for a very very long time but decided to brave the dating world - well lets be honest, I was more interested in finding a play mate at that point. I somehow discovered a tall dark, handsome guy, athletic who has never been an ounce overweight in his life.... So, i told him all about how horrible it was... you know... it was like I couldn't stand the idea of him being aghast at my appearance in an intimate moment so i had to make sure he knew it was really bad in advance. So, besides warning him to the hilt, I was ready when it was time to be intimate - I had these stockings (to hide the thigh skin), a strategic sexy intimate clothing (to hide the belly skin) - figured there was nothing I could do about the arms..

So, as the passion gets going he disrobes me with an alarming speed and I felt like all my hiding was just GONE. I felt more nekkid than I had ever felt in my whole life... Then he said - "I can't believe you made such a big deal out of all this - you are a hot woman!" You can imagine why that friendship lasted awhile and I learned alot from it.

Love aside, it seems like once a man decides you are attractive, they tend to see the details that support that vision, rather than the details that detract from it. It is quite opposite from the way women think/see things. I have tried repeatedly to convince my skinny minny galpals that there minor imperfections are only visible to themselves and certainly NOT to a man who is a attracted to them. I am not trying to discount your concerns, but I had a personal experience that helped change my world view.

So, while i was still seeing this lover, I had plastics. He was against it, didnt think I needed it etc etc - but once i did it.. he was really into the results. So, post plastics you have the whole scar issue. They didn't bother him and they didn't bother me either but I recognized that they could be an issue. When we parted ways he told me - don't mention em, no guy will notice. Dang if he wasn't right - but I do mention them because I am looking for a real relationship and I want to disclose "big stuff". I always make sure I go sleeveless when we first meet so they can see my arm scars (which are super faint) but 100% of the time - my date does not notice those arm scars.

[Daveo 485]

I agree with cowgirljane, as I guy if I'm into a woman I don't care about stuff like that. I'm just ready to get down. lol But being in this situation as a guy is very difficult. Not seeing the hanging skin yet but when I do I am sure it will be a topic of discussion for a future mate. Being big you can see what you are getting into but once you lose all the weight you don't see all the skin and I think for me that will be an issue for women to see.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

@@CowgirlJane -- I, for one, laughed. The real story is nifty, but by the middle of the second paragraph, I was imagining your first-time with your beau quite differently. I won't tell you, but I think it's worth getting. Amazon lists it: "Passionella and Other Stories," by Jules Feiffer. I'm speaking of the title story, but the others are wonderful, too. The story may be available on line; I haven't looked for it. Sondheim did a musical version which I'm unfamiliar with. Just my opinion that the original is delightful, funny, positive and absolutely relevant to your story, Jane.

On the down side, it's sad to hear stories of people feeling the need to apologize for themselves in advance. I'm in there with you. We expect that the other party will do or say something unbearably humiliating. Or, worse, deep down we think it would be justified and so we need to forewarn to protect the person from us..........Didn't mean to make you sorry that you shared a cute outcome.

@@KindaFamiliar -- I liked yours. Whimsy and common sense in one bundle.

The exchange there made me wonder how many pannus owners would reject others?.

[AvaFern 3,516]

I was quite saggy after losing weight off and on throughout my 20's and the first guy that saw me naked when I was probably at my saggiest didn't say a word about it. We were friends before we dated and we are friends now and my flab-tasticness has never come up. I have since had extensive plastic surgery and the last person I was with started dating me shortly after I had the back part of the 360 body lift. I got lucky and got a huge infection and ended up with a fist size hole in my back which took over 6 months to heal. The entire time we were together my back was bandaged with a giant bandage, and he saw all of my other scars. He never once said anything unkind or even brought them up.

If you're looking for a hook-up, what you look like naked matters. If a guy is looking for an easy score, he doesn't care a whole lot in the moment, but after that yes, if you're not cute naked, it matters. If, however you sincerely get to know someone, what you look like naked won't matter to them. I still sometimes wonder if my ex thought he could do better with a girl who doesn't have scars everywhere, but I know how he treated me and I know the kind of person he is and I recognize that those thoughts are just my own insecurities. When someone loves you, your physical flaws don't matter.

Now....the getting someone to love you when you aren't attractive to them is the part I have always found daunting.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I didn't share any of this at the time...but in hindsight that friendship was one of the best things that could have happened for that stage of my "transformation". He is older and a hottie himself and helped me develop a healthy outlook on the subject. Looking good is awesome but it is just one dimension to our lives.

He also helped me see myself in a more objective less harsh way. I have never gotten negative feedback on my plastics scars but if I did... I would immediately recognize. .."your loss dude" as the right answer. In some odd way I am actually kind of proud of my scars...evidence of transformation...reminder of how far I have come.

I am not perfect but am pleasantly imperfect and appreciate my body, my mind, my personality and feel grateful for what I do have. This man didn't create all that belief system for sure ..but often nudged me in that direction.

So now this is probably getting weird but my dad was mean and said unkind things about my looks to me all the time when I was growing up. I always thought I was hideous looking when I was younger. Words do matter and I think having this man that I kinda "looked up to" replace that meanness with genuine appreciation and compliments helped me change that inner voice.

Yes I am grateful but can also laugh at myself. I can still recall the HORROR when my disguise came off..ha! The expression on my face would have made great WLS comedy scene.

@@CowgirlJane -- I, for one, laughed. The real story is nifty, but by the middle of the second paragraph, I was imagining your first-time with your beau quite differently. I won't tell you, but I think it's worth getting. Amazon lists it: "Passionella and Other Stories," by Jules Feiffer. I'm speaking of the title story, but the others are wonderful, too. The story may be available on line; I haven't looked for it. Sondheim did a musical version which I'm unfamiliar with. Just my opinion that the original is delightful, funny, positive and absolutely relevant to your story, Jane.

On the down side, it's sad to hear stories of people feeling the need to apologize for themselves in advance. I'm in there with you. We expect that the other party will do or say something unbearably humiliating. Or, worse, deep down we think it would be justified and so we need to forewarn to protect the person from us..........Didn't mean to make you sorry that you shared a cute outcome.

@@KindaFamiliar -- I liked yours. Whimsy and common sense in one bundle.

The exchange there made me wonder how many pannus owners would reject others?.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

@@CowgirlJane --

Every word you wrote just above is...I don't want to sound maudlin, but......delightful and insightful and presents a healthy mind.

. In some odd way I am actually kind of proud of my scars...evidence of transformation...reminder of how far I have come.

You earned them. There are those cultures that practice scarification and tattoosto Celebrate andor commemorate various life achievements.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

I agree with all of this. Look, if you are dating a woman after child birth, expect stretch marks. Crap any woman after 40 is going to show signs of gravity. (In fairness look at how far a guys balls are down the side of his thighs). http://www.cc.com/video-clips/ge1zug/stand-up-daniel-tosh--work-of-art

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Ha! I just ask that his boobs aren't bigger than mine!

I agree with all of this. Look, if you are dating a woman after child birth, expect stretch marks. Crap any woman after 40 is going to show signs of gravity. (In fairness look at how far a guys balls are down the side of his thighs). http://www.cc.com/video-clips/ge1zug/stand-up-daniel-tosh--work-of-art

[Lallylocks 111]

A friend of mine who was sleeved and lost a lot of weight told me that before her body lift, her guy used to play with her extra skin. I thought it was cool he was ok with it, but kind of weird. I now find myself with extra skin...which I play with...and a very good male friend of mine is fascinated by and plays with. My partner seems completely unaware of it. So I think the kind of people it would be an issue for are not the kind of people worth knowing.