So me and my hubby were talking yesterday

[grandmaofone 411]

I had my sleeve done on June 15, 2015, my high weight was: 260 before surgery, I currently weight 214.4, I am 5'2" and 40 years old. I meet my husband in high school and was over weight, when we got married I was 232lbs. We both went to the seminar on Jan 8, 2015. He was told his BMI was under the 40 that our insurance required to do the surgery but that I qualified. He was ok but didn't go to any of the appts. For the 4 month required time or my pre-op. Which was weird as he has always gone with me in the past of anything that required surgery. As my four month diet past and my two week pre-op diet past I never thought anything about it. We were changing the things we bought at the store and he was in a diet also. He even started taking Protein Shakes with me. The day of surgery he went with my to the hospital at 7:30am check in and didn't leave until I went to bed for the night. The next day he was there bright and early and found out I had a rough nite, even though I slept all day he stayed until around his bedtime and came back the next morning to find out I had another rough nite and stay until bed. The next day I got released and he was there when the nutritionist, doctors assistant, and exercise person came in and listened to all of it. He was very supportive when I came home. Helping me remember my pills/vitamins and he would warm me up some Soup and bring it to me as I had to stay in the bedroom as my daughter was my backup for my daycare and the kiddos were here. My husband currently works from home also and was a big help checking on me durning his breaks and lunches. As time went on and I have joined him at the gym and my weight is going down he seems to be get more upset that he can not lose as fast and finally yesterday In causal conversation we were talking about our weight and getting ready to go to the gym. I had so much energy the two days before that the house was cleaned top to bottom and I had walked 3 miles both days. I knew the scales were going to move a lot because when I start bouncing off the walls they move. I weighed and I had lost 1 lb in those two days and as we were talking he said he lost .2, and that I had taken the "easy way out". We went to the gym and I took this out on my body, pushing myself and going 3 miles in 45 mins on the treadmill. I thought I was over it but woke up mad today and confused on what to do or say to him. I am glad that I had surgery and I was tired of the yo-yo effect the diets had on my body. I am glad to be rid of those 46 lbs forever, but now I am worried about my husband's feelings. I can not control my body and tell it to slow down to his pace and I can not tell him to stop eating to lose weight so I am at a loss! Any suggestion are welcome. Thank you!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

At this point in the WLS experience, the weight loss and the elevated mood (because we finally feel successful and in control) really does feel "easy." You may remember some earlier times when it didn't feel so "easy," eh?

And in a year or two when your body has found a way to manufacture and release more ghrelin (hunger hormone) into your body and your appetite is coming back, it won't seem so "easy" then. At that point, you and he will be on a level playing field again (or close to it).

But for now, I can see how he'd feel a little resentful.

But tough titty.

If he's big enough right now to have WLS, he's welcome to do so, too. If he's not, then he can't.

Sometimes, we just express how we're feeling at the moment. Sounds like that's what he did.

Doesn't seem like a biggie to me.

[JamieLogical 8,727]

You are only a month and a half out. The pounds drop FAST in the early months. Eventually it will slow down and as long as he keeps working, he can catch up to you. I don't think he can truly believe that you took the easy way out after seeing what you've been through during this process. And when you get to the point where you are killing yourself to lose half a pound a week the same way he is, he will see that it is no "easier" for you than it is for him.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

It's hard not to compare yourself to others (have you read these boards?).

The funny thing, is that if neither of you had surgery and followed the same plan, as a guy, he would most likely lose much faster than you. Is that fair? Not really. Is it normal? Yes.

I think it's great that he has been so supportive and has also been willing to share his thoughts and feelings with you.

All I can suggest is that you both be patient and give it time. Maybe even attend some support groups (either individually or together).

In the meantime, be encouraging and listen.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

rid of those 46 lbs forever, now worried about husband's feelings.

@@grandmaofone

sounds like once you were approved and he was denied - your husband went through sad/angry feelings about being denied (i think it's understandable)

he didn't want to go to pre-op sessions with you et al

but once you had surgery, he was wonderful, acommedating (msp )

staying with you always

helping at home, checking on your meds and all your other needs

showing his true colors

now he is also drinking Protein shakes, going to the gym etc

as time goes by, you are loosing a little more weight than he is

many of us here are disappointed if they don't loose as much as someone else in the same time period

incorrectly compare their weight loss to others

as OP said, men do usually loose weight faster than women

continue to work, eat with each other

help each other with your eating

watching what you both eat

encourage him to learn similar rules that you are already following

Water, etc

hopefully he will stay on the straight and arrow too

but..........if he changes his mind about eating correctly

don't follow his new/old bad habits

don't let him sabatoge you

you had MAJOR surgery to help/assist you in your weight loss

continue to follow ALL the rules for yourself/health/SUCCESS etc

As hubby watches how you eat/how little, he will eventually remember this is not "the easy way out" (i cringe when ever i hear that expression )

he also wanted to have surgery (unfortunately he wasn't approved )

hopefully your husband and you can work together

by the way i had to highlight the word FOREVER in your post

what ever people loose will/is great!!!

but weight loss is FOREVER if you continue to follow all the rules - always, always!!

good luck

kathy

[_Kate_ 2,224]

Look at all he did for you during and after the surgery, which shows how much he loves and supports you. Hes maybe feeling a ton of conflicting feelings and said something on the spur of the moment. Haven't we all done that in our lives, then wished we hadn't because it was the emotion of the moment, rather than really how we felt. It's probably about himself rather than you. I can only read into what you have said in the OP and maybe I am wrong but he sounds like a very loving and supportive husband who may need a bit of support right now himself.

I hope you get to talk soonest and work things out xxx

P.S: Great weight loss!!

Edited July 30, 2015 by Kate_UK

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I have nothing to add other than a snicker at the fact that @@VSGAnn2014 said "tought tittie". I concur.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

Maybe don't weigh yourself except for Doctor visits. He is with you every day so he won't notice the weight as much seeing it. Losing weight together and having it feel like a competition is bad for any relationship. When I have tried to lose weight with friends, and you lose more than them, they say all kinds of hurtful things, even if surgery is not involved.

"You are losing because you are taller"

"You have more free time to work out"

"You are heavier so, so you are losing faster"

You know your husband best, and I am not married, but it seems like removing the competition aspect and maybe even conceding that yes it is harder to lose without surgery might smooth things over. The writing is on the wall now, and if you want to keep your relationship smooth take some action now, don't let it ride.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Maybe don't weigh yourself except for Doctor visits. He is with you every day so he won't notice the weight as much seeing it. Losing weight together and having it feel like a competition is bad for any relationship. When I have tried to lose weight with friends, and you lose more than them, they say all kinds of hurtful things, even if surgery is not involved.

"You are losing because you are taller"

"You have more free time to work out"

"You are heavier so, so you are losing faster"

You know your husband best, and I am not married, but it seems like removing the competition aspect and maybe even conceding that yes it is harder to lose without surgery might smooth things over. The writing is on the wall now, and if you want to keep your relationship smooth take some action now, don't let it ride.

So, I see it much differently (but I'm a b*tch like that).

I've been married for 20 years but even if I wasn't, I am not one to stifle my accomplishments for the feelings of others. Someone else's "jealousy" or "bitterness" is their problem, not mine.

[Addawn 81]

I can only speak from my experience. My husband and I both had the surgery, but due to his health he had his 6-months before me. Even though I knew my date was coming, it was difficult to see weight dropping off of him, and his energy soar while I felt like a big disgusting slug. I was jealous, so jealous...which is a horrible way to feel about your spouse, but you feel how you feel. He would always tell me how much he loved me and how beautiful I am...that helped some, but what helped the most was having some significant success myself.

Does you husband have any other qualifiers such as bad joints, diabetes or high blood pressure, some disorders can get you in as well. I have also knew those who just gained a few pounds to qualify (I don't recommend, but it works)

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I don't see it as stifling accomplishments but if someone is struggling do you rub your success in their face?

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I don't see it as stifling accomplishments but if someone is struggling do you rub your success in their face?

I just see it from a different POV, I guess.

My BFF had her sleeve while I struggled with the decision (one more try at WWs, Atkins, South Beach, etc.) and I celebrated every pound with her despite my inability to succeed.

Another great friend started her own business while I was at a job I hated but was stuck in and I celebrated her every milestone.

One of my friends struggled with infertility treatments for 10 years while supporting each member of our friend group's pregnancies. She came to appointments, deliveries and did so with a genuine smile. Never did she make me or anyone else feel as if we were "rubbing it in her face".

I am far too old to surround myself with people who can't take accountability for themselves.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

Your examples are not people that are express struggle or resentment. If someone is struggling why add to their struggle? This is her life partner not, some friend. A little compassion goes a long way.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Your examples are not people that are express struggle or resentment. If someone is struggling why add to their struggle? This is her life partner not, some friend. A little compassion goes a long way.

Really? So my struggles with weight loss aren't the same because I chose not to be resentful? Interesting.

I am not telling the OP to "add" to her husband's (choice to) "struggle". I am simply suggesting she not suppress her excitement/joy/accomplishments because he chooses not to handle them maturely.

Compassion is extremely important, I agree 100%. Compassion should not equate to lack of pride, though.

[grandmaofone 411]

Thanks for the different point of views. It has made me think all day of how to handle this situation.