Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

had a hard time finding this forum again...whew!



Recommended Posts

I can navigate around pretty well from my laptop, but from my kindle or phone...it's hit and miss..haha.

Anyway, I had a couple of recent experiences that sort of shook my confidence. They are each very small... but I noticed I they have introduced a bit of fear/hesitation in me on the dating topic.

Okay, story one. Last year I went to a Halloween party/costume contest. I was dressed as Xena and just for the note, was by far NOT the most revealing costume there. However, I do admit that some of the other very revealing costumes (belly dancer etc) were not worn by people who were fit/trim so in some ways I did stand out. Everything was fun, I was among friends and everyone was just dancing and having a good time. Well, a guy I didn't know was really obnoxious, grabby and stuff and when he would not take NO for an answer, i just left. I didn't think much about it until I was out with a girlfriend on Valentines day. This guy comes up and talks to us and he was fine, pleasant, low key... until he says "Jane, you don't remember me but I was the guy who creeped you out on Halloween when you were dressed like Xena. I am pretty sure I was the reason you left early". I was astounded he brought it up and then when he did - I was astounded there was no apology or excuse making... simply a statement of fact. Then, he asks me out to which i declined.

didn't think too much about it until about 2 weeks later a completely unrelated event...

I have a hidden profile on a dating site. I decided I am ready to start trying again since my relationship ended a few months ago. I was corresponding with someone and we were in fact planning on meeting for an intro coffee date the following day when I get messages that were absolutely insane rants. It took me awhile to figure it out but bottom line he accused me of "playing him, cheating on him" etc because he stalked/watched my log ins to the dating site. Yes,I was logging in to check email, including responding to his, and to see if there was anyone else I might want to meet. Apparently, this weirdo thought that agreeing to meet for coffee was some sort of long term committment and that I was cheating on him by simply logging into the website. I blocked him both online and on my phone (luckily my phone does not display my name in caller ID) because if he watches me and weirds out about logging into a website he is NOT my type.

Anyway, I am pretty self confident, I take precautions, sensible and experienced with watching out for myself (world traveler, including much solo business travel etc. so I am tuned in to surroundings etc) but these two incidents have suddenly made me feel very very uncomfortable about dating/meeting new people.

I am very social, I do stuff with groups of people but it is hard to find someone to date. Okay, I am probably too picky but I am going to be really honest - in your 50s alot of guys are pretty unfit and not able to join the lifestyle I want to live right now. I am active in meetups but the "going out" ones i never date from because I haven't met anyone that is super interesting... but more importantly I feel like SOME of the guys use them as pick up scenes and that isn't my deal so i just stay out of it. anyway, it leaves me wondering ... if i am burned out on online dating, don't really want to change my fun but low key social relationships in my meetup groups - how on earth DO I find someone to date and ideally enter a relationship with???

Maybe this should have been in the rants section.... :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

yikes. to the first part, as to how you meet people. umm, i have no clue. lol

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your online dating experiences sound a little like mine, except I'm 31, lol- so age doesn't matter much when it comes to creeps! In January I started using the dating apps and I am about to delete all of them. Outside of the fact that you get a few hundred messages from men who would never have the nerve to approach you in public, apparently being online means they think they can continue to message you when you ignore them. I have blocked several people who have insisted on blowing up my apps with constant messages...why won't you date me, you would like me if you gave me a chance, answer me, hi, hi, hi...it is seriously a lesson in the massive desperation that is in the online dating world. I have been so seriously skeeved out by the volume of stalkers that as soon as I get a hint someone is a creep, I block them right away. I did meet one guy for dinner who was actually a really nice person, just a bit lacking in maturity, and we still text regularly, but other than that I have found no value in online dating.

I have met the men I have had the best relationships with in activities that I did for myself. So..you like horseback riding, are there any events in your area that you can go to? I read in another post of yours that you enjoy going out for dinner and drinks, so maybe there are events in your area like those painting classes at a bar where you could meet someone? Take a yoga class, try spinning, sign up for a group hike or group ride..do what makes you happy and men who are like you will ideally be doing the same thing. Then voila, you not only expanded your own horizons and had a great time doing it, but you met someone who by default already has something in common with you. Worst case you have a good time and meet no one, best case, you meet Mr. Wonderful.

So...that's my advice. :) Good luck!

Edited by AvaFern

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ava, hide your profile, that cuts the creep factor way back... way back. The prince charming I mentioned above was one i picked...lol. I used to get emails from men the age of my sons (what is up with this cougar obsession anyway?) or from out of state... but no worries they are willing to travel (seriously?) and then the catagory you mention as well.

I DO activities. I hike, I go to social events, I go to tons of horse related stuff, i go dancing, I listen to live music. The horse world is 90% female and the remaining 10% men I encounter are either in a relationship with a woman I know or are renouned womanizers - its a small world and I am not diving into that pool...

I get asked out alot but men like younger women so i tend to get approached by men way older than me. I don't actually care about age - what I care about is can you keep up with me!

I also get asked out alot by men who I am pretty sure are only interested in a physical relationship. I have no shortage of opportunities in that sense, but it isn't really the opportunity I am seeking. Example, the Valentines night I was actually asked out by 3 different guys. El creepo was the first. The second was a bartender who by the way was super tall handsome and clearly youthful, but i knew it was not going to be relationship potential and I am not looking for a playmate only. The 3rd was the owner of a bar/restaurant who gave me salsa lessons. When I go to his place again, if he asks me when he is not intoxicated, I would say yes... but ... you know what are the odds of that happening...lol

So, it's not so easy out there and I probably reject situations too quickly but I can only respond to my gut instincts about people. Perhaps a more basic question is what is it that I do that attracts attention ... but the wrong type? I have modified how I dress to hide my body more, i have a stellar reputation in my social circles in the sense that i don't "hook up" - and yet - that is what the "opportunities" the universe keeps sending me.

I even asked for feedback from some female aquaintances that I go out with. They had little advice as they seem to have the same experience. BTW, I WANT a fully intimate relationship... but relationship is the key word here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you like woodworking? I went to a conference for training and it was just about all guys. I am married and not interested, but so many men came up to me and started a conversation-- I think they were just curious.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had one creepazoid in the online dating world. I wasn't sure if he was quirky or really thought he was unlovable. Once I realized he had a really poor self image of himself, I extricated myself from any kind of relationship with him. I told him I didn't think we had enough in common and I wished him well. He then proceeded to claim I was 'using' him till someone better came along and I was shallow and self centered. I couldn't believe how he tried to manipulate me. I didn't engage him other than let him know not to text me again and he did just go away but I had allowed him to my home one time and I realized not to do that again...and I do not. Now I don't invite someone in till we've gone out several times even if it is awkward at times.

Fortunately most of my experiences have been positive...even though nothing (or no one) has stuck as of yet. I'm trying to go at this from a light and fun perspective and to keep my expectations for finding someone to have a long term relationship fairly low.

Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. I do understand though about trying to find a good man. Like they say, he's hard to find. But at least I am healthy and attractive enough now to be in the game if nothing else.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't give up ladies. My husband and I met on a Christian dating site 16 years ago :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, went on a first date last night that proves there is intelligent life out there. We are going horseback riding today. Maybe I just needed to rant.

Of course who knows what will come of it but it's a good start.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recent Topics

  • Most popular:

  • Recent Status Updates

    • CrowLuv

      My Quote of the Day 

      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • GreenTealael  »  RNY 2ND RODEO

      ⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡
      🕒🕒🕒Happy Surgery Day & Good Luck🕒🕒🕒
      ⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • ms.sss

      Looks like I need people around to complete a 10K.  I tried to do one by myself this afternoon and I gave up at around the 7km mark.  Gonna try again on Friday, but I may have to look into joining a running club...
      · 1 reply
      1. FluffyChix

        Join a running club!!! Woot!!!

    • d711

      post op 2 months
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • allwet

      My Surgeon asked me a question the other day and i didn't give it a lot of thought at the time.
      He asked "do you tell"
      we were talking about peoples reaction to seeing me since i lost such a large amount of me.
      I answered that i do tell if they ask but that it seems most everyone is afraid to mention it if they haven't seen me in a while or they decided they already know the answer so they don't need the truth from me (we all know those types)
      I have had exactly one family friend come right out and ask me how i lost so much weight this year and i told her i had Gastric Sleeve.
      I am sure family has passed it around to other family (you have that type family don't you? or is it just me)  
      So that left me wondering "do you tell" and i dont mean right at surgery time. more like a year or so down the road do you say how or do you just say cut out the sugar and carbs and WAALAA
      Its a real personal choice to open yourself up to that kind of criticism and we know all about how we took the "Easy" way and yada yada yada.
      hope everyone is having a great week
      · 3 replies
      1. Orchids&Dragons

        If people ask, I am open about it

      2. ms.sss

        I'm about 10 months post op, and my standard answer is I eat way less and exercise way more (oh, and I cut the carbs by a lot). The only people I told were Mr., the Kid, BFF and my Mom.

      3. FluffyChix

        People know cuz my sissies have big mouths. And when skinny peeps ask out of morbid curiousity and they are "related" somehow to me, I look at em and arch my eyebrow and smile like, WTF? Then I just shrug and say, "I can neither confirm nor deny." (I've practiced this in the mirror many times. LOL!)

        But today, I was talking to a lady in my oncologist's office and she said "Oh don't you love you Surgeon X - bariatric surgeon? I'm in her weigh loss program!" And so I really opened up to her and talked frankly about the program and the surgery and details and how I'm so much happier and healthier, etc. So there has to be a real genuine need and desire for comraderie--otherwise, "Bye Felicia..."

  • Trending Topics

  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs
    ×