Intimacy

[TerriDoodle 6]

Y'know....the recurring theme I keep getting from these posts is that these men are comfortable where they are. Why should they change? Will they ever do the work that is required to change? Do they CARE enough to change? The answer seems to be a resounding "NO". So, assuming they aren't going to...the next question is....are you willing to accept the situation as it is for the duration? Or do you care enough about your own well-being to do what needs to be done? If you don't know 'what needs to be done' then I high recommend seeing a counselor to help you figure it out. The work done in a good counselor's office is an amazing thing.

It doesn't have to be a psychologist or psychiatrist. The woman I credit with giving me strength to claim my own power was a teacher at my church. Didn't cost me a dime and she was there for me 24/7. She was incredible and shaped me into who I am today.

[IMFine 0]

I appreciate all of the support and comments and suggestions. Some, I've tried already, some I know won't work, others--well, I'm just not there yet.

DH and I do have a wonderfully open, communicative relationship. I've expressed my sadness, anger, disappointment, insecurity, etc. with his porn "hobby". He's told me that he's very sorry (and I believe he's genuine) and that it is not at all meant to hurt me in any way. I've told him that I don't have a problem with him looking at all of that stuff, and wouldn't feel threatened by it in the least, IF he would be sexually intimate with me. He thinks I'm trying to be controlling <sigh>. I responded by telling him that HE's the one in control of our sex life, certainly NOT me. I'm just asking for him to spend equal time with me as he does his cyber-sluts.

I once had a therapist (male) tell me that sex to a man is just a physical function; practically equal to taking a dump (sorry for the graphic nature of that). For women, sex is an emotional need that manifests itself in a physical way. I didn't completely agree with his assessment, but I don't think he was totally off base. I'm pretty jaded because I believe that men trade love for sex, women trade sex for love. I want intimacy, which I have with DH. I desire sex, which I wish I didn't have to beg for. It's funny (not so much), all my life I've seen and heard of women who have to feign a headache, or cramps, or being too tired, etc. so that they don't have to have sex with their man. I've honestly NEVER had enough sex to satisfy me. I'm ALWAYS the partner who wants more.

For now I'm willing to continue to try to adjust. I love my husband with every breath I take. I know he loves me the same. He doesn't mean to disrespect me with the porn, but he's also not willing to give up his "hobby". I'd rather it be out there in the open, than for him to sneak around. THAT would feel like cheating to me. And that would be more than I can bear.

It would be nice to have a man's perspective on these issues. Any men want to give it a go? Try to explain to us women the male libido?

[TerriDoodle 6]

I don't think my husband would agree at all that sex is just a physical function...but maybe that's one reason why I married him. I've also 'heard' that men express love thru sex and not necessarily with words.

If your husband loves you, shouldn't he be willing to see a counselor if this is having such a profound impact on your happiness?

[IMFine 0]

He thinks it's MY problem, not his. In reality, that's a pretty fair assessment. He's getting exactly what he wants, so--not his problem. I know he wouldn't have a problem with me getting help to "cope" with MY problem. Aren't many men like that? As long as their needs are being met, there isn't any concern.

[TerriDoodle 6]

Well, I think that's the gist of this entire thread, my dear!

[TheGh0st 9]

Imfine - Just a thought maybe if you went to counseling on your own first then approached him (possibly with a letter or call directly from your couselor) with a request to meet with the counselor either together or even better by himself under the premise that it was to discuss how he can help "You get over your problems" Then maybe he wouldn't feel threatened with the idea that the purpose of the meeting was to accuse him of wrong doing. My father is a counselor and I have seen him use this non-threatening tactic before.

Like others said he maybe more open to change if he hears it from someone else. And if it is approached in a manner that makes it out like he is helping you rather than addressing any of his own flaws it might just keep him off the defensive.

[green 6]

Imfine - Just a thought maybe if you went to counseling on your own first then approached him (possibly with a letter or call directly from your couselor) with a request to meet with the counselor either together or even better by himself under the premise that it was to discuss how he can help "You get over your problems" Then maybe he wouldn't feel threatened with the idea that the purpose of the meeting was to accuse him of wrong doing. My father is a counselor and I have seen him use this non-threatening tactic before.

Like others said he maybe more open to change if he hears it from someone else. And if it is approached in a manner that makes it out like he is helping you rather than addressing any of his own flaws it might just keep him off the defensive.

That's a fabulous idea! :clap2::clap2::clap2:

[IMFine 0]

You're right! You must be right, if I came to the same conclusion :-) You're good! And, many thanks.

[IMFine 0]

Thank you Diane. I think that's a great idea, and certainly worth a shot. It's just this one area in our relationship that I'm unhappy with. My mom always told me that there are three things that cause discord in a marriage: kids, money, and sex. She's absolutely correct!

[green 6]

Thank you Diane. I think that's a great idea, and certainly worth a shot. It's just this one area in our relationship that I'm unhappy with. My mom always told me that there are three things that cause discord in a marriage: kids, money, and sex. She's absolutely correct!

Your mum is right. My ex-husband's infidelities and the fact that I was the sole regular wage earner (he was a musician) certainly blew up that marriage pretty quickly. :omg:

[Darragha 0]

1) I am a huge (no pun intended) Star Trek fan, too. My husband and I gave each other the Vulcan Salute when we married.

2) I've been married to my (for lack of a better phrase) soul-mate for 18 years on August 11th. We enjoy an active and loving relationship. He doesn't keep his hands off me now--and he's already talking about "elevator" sex when I've lost weight. Oy vey. I refer to my husband as my "crash test dummy" sometimes. Oh, honey! Will this work? Now, hold that position...I need to capture it in my mind and translate it onto paper!

3) I write romance novels. I write steamy, spicy, happily-ever-after and even a few happy-for-now novels. I once received an email from a reader saying that reading my book aloud as a couple was the best foreplay they'd had in years. Cough! I have older relatives who call me the "Porno Queen." Grrrr. I do not write porno. I do write bodice-rippers and crotch-burners, but there's a huge difference between romance novels and interent porn! HUGE! I have some very strong opinions about porno addiction, to wit:

It broke up my cousin's 17 year marriage.

It removes a level of intimacy in marriage (or bonded couples), and leaves them both unsatisfied.

It desensitizes and anesthetizes.

It can be a gateway drug to a seemy, smarmy underbelly of images that are both illegal and immoral--not just sexually titilating.

It is a serious addiction. If you know someone with an addiction, talk to them about getting help. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, whatever. Pray, talk, point them in a direction where they can learn to overcome their addictions and regain their lives.

I truly want all women to know love; to know the joys of intimacy and even if it's achieved alone, the release of climax. If, for any reason, you are not finding satisfaction in your life with your partner, please discuss it, pray on it, go seek medical advice. Loving relations are too wonderful to dismiss!

I don't usually discuss this kind of thing on forums, so if I've offended anyone, I apologize.

Darr

[TheGh0st 9]

:welcome2:Darragha - thankyou for chiming in. I doubt you could offend any of us.

:alienOFF TOPIC:

And Star Trek? I must have missed the earlier reference. I'm a big Sci-Fi geek myself and proud of it. I'm currently reading through the additional Dune Series Novels written by Brian Herbert & Kevin Anderson and loving them. Do you ever read Trek books and are they better than the TV series (no insult intended to one of my much loved TIVO staples)

[Darragha 0]

There's an Enterprise poster with a Star Trek avatar. She's posted in this thread a couple of times. I lurrrrveeee Star Trek.

Since I write fiction, I mostly read non-fiction for enjoyment. I read romance ebooks to support the industry and non-fiction to amuse myself. I'm reading "Eat, Pray, Love" right now. Such a wonderful book.

I just don't want to offend anyone by blatantly stating: Hey! I write smut! I know about love and loving and dammit, you should, too!

Darr

[green 6]

Interesting stuff has been said on the subject of pornography but I would like to hear some of the male members of LBT weigh in on this subject. I am very aware that we women tend to have a different reaction to pornography than men do. We sure ain't hardwired for visual cues when it comes to sex. We prefer romantic/erotic texts, stinky candles, smelly oils, champagne and a host of other elaborate preparations.

Watching close-ups of genitals isn't going to work for us. We are inclined to find this material as being gross or at least capable of leaving us squirming in our seats with discomfort. I do have to confess, however, that there were times when I have profitted from catching a boyfriend watching porn. Crudely put, the dude has his equipment in primo working order and it didn't take much work on Green's part to use this to her advantage. :heh::heh::heh: Green is a practical grrl.

[Darragha 0]

<p>

I have profitted from catching a boyfriend watching porn

</p> <p> </p> <p>You go girl!</p> <p> </p> <p>And here's the thing: if your boyfriend with his ready male parts gets up and away from the computer or tv screen and rocks your world, he's not addicted. It's when you can parade around nekkid promising to participate in acts forbidden in 26 states, and he continues to look at close ups of Jenna Talia, that addiction is rearing its ugly head.</p>