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Not telling my only family member



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My mom passed away a year and a half ago. I currently consider my grandma my only family member. I don't have a relationship with anyone else. My grandma is still distraught over my mom's passing and I fear if I told her that I was getting surgery late next month she would absolutely lose it. Although I've decided not to tell her I feel absolutely horrible about it. We talk on the phone every other day and each time I feel horrible that I'm withholding this big surgery. Although she hasn't cooked for me in months I dread the day that I'm post op and she invites me to dinner, which I'll find a way to lie out of. Idk what anyone thinks but I had to vent because I'm really struggling with this.

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If you are withholding it out of concern for her, you shouldn't beat yourself up!

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Don't beat your self up...u are not telling her because of her recent loss...I was set for September and had to cancel because i loss my father...i was afraid to tell my mum...but i told her two days after surgery....

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Are you planning on telling her after the surgery? Once a little time has passed?

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No. I think she would be deeply offended that I hid something like this from her. She would think I should have consulted with her about this . I still remember when I told her I was going to see a nutritionist a month ago and she demanded that if they offer me diet pills I shouldn't take it because people die from diet pills, etc.. She would completely lose her mind if I said the word surgery.

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It's a tricky situation to be in. I contemplated telling my sister because sometimes she can be extremely difficult with certain things and react very badly. But I also knew that if I told her down the line she would be upset that I didn't tell her before then. I guess it's working out which is harder for you, stressing your grandmother out or maintaining the lie. Personally I couldn't take the stress of the lie, and I luckily discovered that once I confessed to my sister she was very supportive. Your grandmother might surprise you? :)

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I would say yes if she still wasn't dealing with my mom's death. She has become more overly protective of me since then. There is no way I can see her supporting them putting me to sleep and cutting out a part of my stomach. I think I just have the live with the lie unfortunately :(

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Maybe u can sit down and explain to her why u are doing it..I'm sure she will be ur biggest supporter..and ur gonna need that! Tell her u want to be able to live a long healthy life and be there for her. This is about your health...I think let her know

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First let me say how sorry I am on the loss of your mother.

My mom panicked the first time I told her about my surgery. I brought her to appointments and had things explained to her not just by me and my research but by them. Maybe if you talked to your doctor and set up an appointment to have them explain things to your grandmother it would put her mind at ease?

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I think because I'm a guy she sees nothing wrong with a big man. She just won't get why this is a medical necessity. Although I currently do not have high blood pressure, heart diseases or diabetes, they all run in the family. I'm doing this surgery to take control of my life and change my family pattern.. I'm also 26 years old so I can def see her telling me to just stop eating and run more. Unfortunately, I can't see her understanding or really wanting to understand this surgery. If I told my grandma that I will be having surgery in 30 days she will def make it the toughest 30 days of my life. And going into surgery I want to be surrounded with nothing but positivity. Maybe after I lose the weight and looking healthy/good I may finally work up the strength to tell her.

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      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
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    • Alisa_S

      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
      · 1 reply
      1. summerseeker

        Life as a big person had limited my life to what I knew I could manage to do each day. That was eat. I hadn't anything else to look forward to. So my eating choices were the best I could dream up. I planned the cooking in managable lots in my head and filled my day with and around it.

        Now I have a whole new big, bigger, biggest, best days ever. I am out there with those skinny people doing stuff i could never have dreamt of. Food is now an after thought. It doesn't consume my day. I still enjoy the good home cooked food but I eat smaller portions. I leave food on my plate when I am full. I can no longer hear my mother's voice saying eat it all up, ther are starving children in Africa who would want that!

        I still cook for family feasts, I love cooking. I still do holidays but I have changed from the All inclusive drinking and eating everything everyday kind to Self catering accommodation. This gives me the choice of cooking or eating out as I choose. I rarely drink anymore as I usually travel alone now and I feel I need to keep aware of my surroundings.

        I don't know at what point my life expanded, was it when I lost 100 pounds? Was it when I left my walking stick at home ? Was it when I said yes to an outing instead of finding an excuse to stay home ? i look back at my last five years and wonder how loosing weight has made such a difference. Be ready to amaze yourself.

        BTW, the liquid diet sucks, one more day and you are over the worst. You can do it.

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      Officially here for a long time, not just a good time💪
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