Miserable - Relationship Sucks

[HaddocksEyes 205]

I have not been talking to my husband for five days now and he refuses to talk to me too.

It started over his smoking, which I just cannot stand anymore. He smoked before and while we were dating but quit before we were married but then started again about 3 years into the marriage. I let it go because I loved him and because we had a small child. I had nowhere to go and couldn't support myself and I don't believe in divorce. Over the past 17 years things got better and I obtained two degrees and we had another child. Now, my children are both teenagers and one is getting ready to head to college. I work full time now and make a pretty decent salary.

I've felt over the past couple of years that something needed to change and I became increasingly unhappy with myself, both personally and professionally. Health-wise, I've been testing as a borderline diabetic for years now. I've been in denial about that part, thinking the test was just a fluke and so on. When my knee went out last year, so much so I needed surgery, I knew that I had to do something. The doctor told me if I do not lose weight, I am looking at knee replacement surgery sooner rather than later and that the other knee will eventually suffer the same fate. I had been looking into weight loss surgery prior to the knee surgery, but never thought it was really for me. There's the denial again.

I realize that the surgery will change everything. I've expressed to him that I know things will change, but they have to because I can't go on like this anymore. I've told him that he has to change too because how we live our life together has caused both of us to be unhealthy. I've really been harping on the smoking because I don't want to see him die from cancer, stroke or have lung disease. He's about 70 pounds overweight too, so that adds to the issue. I've banned him from smoking anywhere where I can see him and I told him I don't want to smell it or know about it. I did this because it was the only way I could think of to deal with the fact that he continues to smoke and probably will never quit. He got mad at me because he feels like he should be able to do what he wants on his own property. We live on acreage so there are places he can go where I can't see him.

The other night he got into bed and smelled like smoke. It made me so mad because how dare he come into our bed right after he finished smoking. It hurt me so much that he would do that too - it was a big slap in the face to me. I said some things to him that weren't nice. I called him a d**k, and I almost never swear or call names because it's very hurtful to the other person, but I was so mad and hurt it just came out. He tried to apologize to me via email the next day, but when I wrote back that he needed help from a psychologist or psychiatrist trained to help people with addictions in conjunction with a smoking cessation program (with a support group!) and he hasn't been talking to me since and I haven't been talking to him unless I have to. I'm not talking to him because what is there to say that I have not already said so many times? It just seems like a huge waste of time to me to try and hash this out because it is clear to me he doesn't want to quit and believe me, I know I can't make him quit. The times we have talked he looks at me like he can't stand me - this angry glare with contempt mixed in.

Yes, I get it that I have an addiction too. The irony of that is not lost on me. But what I can't stop thinking about is that I am trying to get rid of my addiction..I am actively doing something to quit. I keep thinking that he will never quit and I will have to watch him die while I get healthier. It's so scary. He's tried the pharmaceutical route and none of the pills they normally prescribe are helping him. He's tried the patch and the gum and even e-cigarettes to try and wean off the regular one and those things haven't worked either. I wish there was a surgery for him too that would be the tool he can finally use to quit.

He's not a person to air things and be up front about stuff in a relationship, but I am. You know what I am thinking and I am honest. He's more the passive-aggressive type. But when he really wants something, he will put his foot down and when he does, I know he is serious and I give in. He's really mad right now. I've never seen him act like this before.

I don't know what is going on. I don't know if this is stemming from the fact that I am having surgery and he is scared about it. I don't know if he just is finally done with me and I just now forced him to realize it.

I can say these things here that I could never tell anyone in the "real world" because I tend not to share things with people - I'm the one always trying to lift others up with positive comments and support. I feel so down and terrible - I have bad thoughts running through my head right now and they all say that what is happening is exactly what I deserve. That I should have never said anything and that I have no right to tell him to quit because it has to be his decision. Everything I was so sure about is in doubt.

I am wondering if he will want a divorce and if I will have to move out of the house. I just don't know up from down. He was supposed to take me to the surgery and then take me home again. Now I am not so sure.

I am just wondering how many of you have gone through something similar and what happened? How did you resolve the issues between you and your significant other? Why did something similar happen to you and was there anything you could have done differently to make it better or to stop it from happening? Not having the surgery is not an option, I do know that.

Thank you in advance.

Edited July 25, 2014 by HaddocksEyes

[jessiquoi 623]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate, as my partner smokes too, and when he gets into bed just after smoking, I have to tell/ask him to please wash his hands and brush his teeth. I feel guilty about asking him, but more than that I feel entitled to not want to snuggle with someone who smells bad to me.

Do you want a divorce if he continues to smoke? I know you're worried about what he might do, but I'm wondering what you really want. Is this a dealbreaker for you, or does your relationship have enough good things to outweigh this? None of us are perfect, we all have our flaws. The kicker is whether we can accept the other's flaws or not.

If you don't want a divorce... if it was me, I would apologize for letting things getting so out of hand, and try to work together towards a solution. Counseling? More defined guidelines about where and when you can tolerate his smoking?

Wouldn't it be great if there WERE a surgery for helping them to stop smoking? I have decided that my relationship is worth accepting his smoking. You have to make that decision for yourself, and then reopen the lines of communication with him. The longer you don't speak to each other, the worse it gets, in my opinion. You will feel better clearing this stressor off your chest as you prepare for your own life-changing event.

Congratulations on doing what you need to do to take care of you! And good luck working things out.

[woo woo 872]

I think this is a tough situation. The fact is that you can't control his life to that degree. It's not fair and it doesn't work anyway.

You have to accept him being a smoker until he is ready to quit. That's really it. You don't have to like it, and you have made him aware of your feelings on the matter.

Unless this is just a symptom of something else wrong with the relationship, I think you need to apologize to him and move on. I also wonder how you would feel if he "went off" on you about your eating in a similar manner. Probably not good.

I am married to a smoker too (I am a former smoker) and it's hard to watch but when you love someone you love the whole person as they are, for who they are and not how you would want them to be. I am sure you know this.

Is there any chance that this is really about something between you two other than smoking?

[par1959 470]

I quit smoking 18 years ago and my wife still has not. I have tried everything from guilt have our Doctor get on her case and getting mad. So have our adult children. My employeer also offer many quit smoking programs at no cost. Todate nothing has worked. Like you I was or should I say still addicted to food , but have gotten sleeved and like when I quit smoking am getting very stuborn taking this seriuosly and will get to my goal weight and stay there. One thing I have learned over the years is your cant change other people. They have to want to change. Its a battle you cant win. One of the interesting statistics is that you have an 85% chance of getting divorsed after you lose the weight. Thats one way to avoid the spouses smoking.

[April206 128]

My favorite professor told our sociology class: "Let me save you $10,000 in therapy. The only person you can change is you." Sounds like there is more to this than the smoking issue.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Miss Fisheyes,

You were venting here, and that's your right. Good to get it off your chest.

But if you're open to some advice, here's mine: You're in the middle of a lot of things right now. You need the backup and support of a counselor / psychologist / psychiatrist to start processing all this stuff. And it needs to be processed. It doesn't need to be ACTED ON IMMEDIATELY just because you've got big feelings roiling around.

These are big decisions you're considering. Fair enough. All the more reason to process the information and feelings you're having.

You're a smart girl. You've read a lot of information here and elsewhere about what an emotional rollercoaster this is. You've read about how people who go through this (and who are contemplating it) go through many changes -- and how their family members go through stuff, too.

I will nit-pick with only one thing you said: "I am wondering if he will want a divorce and if I will have to move out of the house." Maybe the "acreage" is a family farm he inherited. But if it's not, chances are if he's the one who wants a divorce, please know that you are not AUTOMATICALLY elected as the one who has to find new digs.

In other words, my dear, if you're thinking like this you're not thinking clearly. That's why it's not a good time to be making big decisions.

There are feelings. And then there are decisions. That's what counsel (of all kinds) is good for -- helping you process all your options.

Very, very best wishes for you.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Obviously, can't know everything from a single post, but I think finding a way to build a good life (and that is a continous process for married people) together is far better than starting over by divorcing. It's a rough world out there for single people - well at least were I live where women outnumber men by a great deal. Anyway, I personally would not have been angry about someone smoking because we all have our own "crosses to bear". I don't like smoking but i recognize that I am terribly flawed myself and that asking for perfection from somebody else is not realistic. I completely agree with the idea that the only person you can change is yourself...

Since I am single and hoping to find someone for a relationship, I would not rule out a smoker (as long as they were very good in their habits) as I dated a smoker who hid it so well I had been seeing him a few months before I even found out. So, it didn't really bother me since his hygene was so perfect. I personally would rule out an unfit/over eater person because i am working so hard to maintain a massive weight loss and I don't want to be around excess food and sedentary lifestyle influence. I wouldn't divorce someone over it, but it is a showstopper for me as I seek a relationship.

Smoking is a huge health issue but so is obesity. My 40 year old, non smoking but very obese niece passed just this week from "natural causes" attributable to her super morbid obesity status.

[HaddocksEyes 205]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate, as my partner smokes too, and when he gets into bed just after smoking, I have to tell/ask him to please wash his hands and brush his teeth. I feel guilty about asking him, but more than that I feel entitled to not want to snuggle with someone who smells bad to me.

Do you want a divorce if he continues to smoke? I know you're worried about what he might do, but I'm wondering what you really want. Is this a dealbreaker for you, or does your relationship have enough good things to outweigh this? None of us are perfect, we all have our flaws. The kicker is whether we can accept the other's flaws or not.

If you don't want a divorce... if it was me, I would apologize for letting things getting so out of hand, and try to work together towards a solution. Counseling? More defined guidelines about where and when you can tolerate his smoking?

Wouldn't it be great if there WERE a surgery for helping them to stop smoking? I have decided that my relationship is worth accepting his smoking. You have to make that decision for yourself, and then reopen the lines of communication with him. The longer you don't speak to each other, the worse it gets, in my opinion. You will feel better clearing this stressor off your chest as you prepare for your own life-changing event.

Congratulations on doing what you need to do to take care of you! And good luck working things out.

I have been feeling like I can't stand his habit anymore to the point that I can't live with him anymore if he doesn't quit. I just have to live apart from him so I don't have to be around what he is doing to himself. Not necessarily a divorce, but just be separated. I know I can't be any fun to be with, so to me, moving out solves that part of the issue, but then causes others in its wake.

In the very beginning, I told him I couldn't marry him unless he stopped smoking so he made the decision that he wanted to be married more than he wanted to smoke, so he quit. He has promised me over and over again within the past 6 months that he will quit...maybe I bullied him into doing that and he feels resentful.

[HaddocksEyes 205]

I think this is a tough situation. The fact is that you can't control his life to that degree. It's not fair and it doesn't work anyway.

You have to accept him being a smoker until he is ready to quit. That's really it. You don't have to like it, and you have made him aware of your feelings on the matter.

Unless this is just a symptom of something else wrong with the relationship, I think you need to apologize to him and move on. I also wonder how you would feel if he "went off" on you about your eating in a similar manner. Probably not good.

I am married to a smoker too (I am a former smoker) and it's hard to watch but when you love someone you love the whole person as they are, for who they are and not how you would want them to be. I am sure you know this.

Is there any chance that this is really about something between you two other than smoking?

You are totally right - I have to either accept it or move on. I can't force him to do what he really doesn't want to do.

And if he had treated me like this before I was ready to make the decision to take control of my weight, yeah, it would not have gone well. I would have been angry at him for trying to tell me what to do and sad that maybe he doesn't find me attractive anymore.

[HaddocksEyes 205]

I quit smoking 18 years ago and my wife still has not. I have tried everything from guilt have our Doctor get on her case and getting mad. So have our adult children. My employeer also offer many quit smoking programs at no cost. Todate nothing has worked. Like you I was or should I say still addicted to food , but have gotten sleeved and like when I quit smoking am getting very stuborn taking this seriuosly and will get to my goal weight and stay there. One thing I have learned over the years is your cant change other people. They have to want to change. Its a battle you cant win. One of the interesting statistics is that you have an 85% chance of getting divorsed after you lose the weight. Thats one way to avoid the spouses smoking.

It's very nice to have a male ex-smoker's opinion. Thank you very much for chiming in. I am so sorry that she continues to smoke - I hope she quits sometime in the future. Best of luck to you too in every challenge you face.

[HaddocksEyes 205]

My favorite professor told our sociology class: "Let me save you $10,000 in therapy. The only person you can change is you." Sounds like there is more to this than the smoking issue.

After I read your post I thought a bit about what you said. Yes, there is a lot more going on here than I can really share in good conscience because they are too private and sharing them would be a betrayal to him, even in a forum that is relatively anonymous. There's no drug use, cheating, he doesn't drink or beat me or anything like that. I just had the revelation that having this surgery is opening up a whole can of worms for me. It's bringing to the surface things I have suppressed over the past 20 years, things I didn't want to deal with or think about that I pushed to the subconscious level. And I think that is what is happening to him too. And it's not very pretty.

[HaddocksEyes 205]

Miss Fisheyes,

You were venting here, and that's your right. Good to get it off your chest.

But if you're open to some advice, here's mine: You're in the middle of a lot of things right now. You need the backup and support of a counselor / psychologist / psychiatrist to start processing all this stuff. And it needs to be processed. It doesn't need to be ACTED ON IMMEDIATELY just because you've got big feelings roiling around...... I will nit-pick with only one thing you said: "I am wondering if he will want a divorce and if I will have to move out of the house." Maybe the "acreage" is a family farm he inherited. But if it's not, chances are if he's the one who wants a divorce, please know that you are not AUTOMATICALLY elected as the one who has to find new digs.

In other words, my dear, if you're thinking like this you're not thinking clearly. That's why it's not a good time to be making big decisions.

There are feelings. And then there are decisions. That's what counsel (of all kinds) is good for -- helping you process all your options.

Very, very best wishes for you.

I'm not sure I want to live out there anymore. I'm tired of the constant work to keep it up and the money it costs to keep it up at just a minimum level.

[HaddocksEyes 205]

Obviously, can't know everything from a single post, but I think finding a way to build a good life (and that is a continous process for married people) together is far better than starting over by divorcing. It's a rough world out there for single people - well at least were I live where women outnumber men by a great deal. Anyway, I personally would not have been angry about someone smoking because we all have our own "crosses to bear". I don't like smoking but i recognize that I am terribly flawed myself and that asking for perfection from somebody else is not realistic. I completely agree with the idea that the only person you can change is yourself...

Since I am single and hoping to find someone for a relationship, I would not rule out a smoker (as long as they were very good in their habits) as I dated a smoker who hid it so well I had been seeing him a few months before I even found out. So, it didn't really bother me since his hygene was so perfect. I personally would rule out an unfit/over eater person because i am working so hard to maintain a massive weight loss and I don't want to be around excess food and sedentary lifestyle influence. I wouldn't divorce someone over it, but it is a showstopper for me as I seek a relationship.

Smoking is a huge health issue but so is obesity. My 40 year old, non smoking but very obese niece passed just this week from "natural causes" attributable to her super morbid obesity status.

Thank you so much for the reply - everything you said is so true.

[Kissifur 244]

I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband is a smoker as well, while I am the food addict. No matter how much weight I have gained he has loved me through everything. Do I not owe him the same when it comes to his addiction? I have begged, used bribes and guilt and nothing has worked. In the same way that every diet did not work for me. Too bad there is no surgery to help smokers.

I can't help but wonder if there are other issues that are being covered up by the smoking. You stated that your relationship sucks, when did this begin since he stated back smoking 3 years into the marriage? You mentioned that you have two degrees, a good paying career and the kids are almost out the house. Could it be that you are finally ready to walk away and you need an excuse? Maybe you guys should seek counseling, I have been twice both times we went it was either to help us stay together or help us walk away without anger. Hopefully a therapist can help you through this.

[Ava324 413]

I'm young and have been married for less than two years, but here it goes...

My husband and I met online 13 years ago (I was 13 years old), we've been together for almost 8 years now, and half of that time was long-distance. We've been through a lot. There were years of what we now call "the dark time". Various forms of betrayal, and I know that pain well. We both have had to overcome demons. His neglect growing up and subsequent low self-esteem led to lying. He lied and hid just about anything that could upset or disappoint me. This included his off and on smoking habit. For all the lies I'd either play detective to find the truth or he'd admit to it long after the fact. The betrayal would tear me to pieces, so much more out of proportion than the actual offense would have. It was a self-perpetuating cycle. The more upset I'd get, the more he'd feel he needed to hide unhappy truths, and the more he lied, the more damaged and scarred I became.

Anyway... Counselling counselling counselling. That's the only way we've recovered. We have a better understanding of our own and each others weaknesses. I know he'll lie again under stress, and we're both better prepared to overcome that.

Also, I've read this book like 8 times. http://www.shaunti.com/book/for-women-only-2/

There's a For Men Only too.. I gave a copy to my husband as a gift with my own notes and scratched out parts that didn't hold true to me personally.

P.S. He uses a vaporizer now with the rare cigarette.