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Unsupportive Family Member Rant.



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Anyone else dealing with an unsupportive family member?

For me it's my mother.

Even though I've been obese almost my whole 24 year's on this earth and she's watched me struggle with weight, and to lose it she is the most unsupportive member of my family. Little background about my mom: She's a recovering drug addict and through the grace of god, her own will and NA (Narcotics Anonymous) has been clean for 13 year's. She's the mother of 4 Adult children (2 of which are active drug addicts).

She started going off about how I never apply myself to anything, I haven't tried hard enough to lose weight on my own (we haven't lived together or near each other for the past 6 years), And I should go into "Over Eaters Anonymous" before I decide to get such a "dangerous" surgery.

She also went on to tell me about someone from 13 year's ago she knew who had gastric and died 6 months later, How I won't lose weight after the surgery because I won't stop eating the way I do now afterwords.

It's frustrating, and no matter what I say I can't get through to her. I get it, she's a mom...But all these year's she's been unsupportive about my marriage, my pregnancy, my education, the way I live, even the death of my father (Her Ex).

Even though the marriage, pregnancy and education were successful and I'm happy with my life today, she constantly sees something wrong.

I know I shouldn't care, But it makes me feel sad and discouraged. But it won't change my decision to get the sleeve.

Just needed to get that off my chest.

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my mother is kind of the same way, she was an alcoholic and was one of the people that as a kid was always giving me food when i was sad or upset. I think she has guilt some over the things that happened in the past. She still has a tendency to push food at me. I hope things can be worked out but sometimes i think we cant change peoples minds. Best of luck and dont give up on your journey. There is def. alot of support here.

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Your mother's comments sound like my mother's before my surgery. My mother has never had addiction problems, so I can't relate to that. But yeah, my mom told me I just needed to apply myself, work harder, etc. She was actually really pissed about it for awhile; I even sensed that she was disappointed in me.

Since my surgery she has been very supportive. I think she knew it was the right thing for me to do, since I've been overweight since I was 8, but she was scared of something happening. She told me stories about people she heard about that had died because they couldn't stop losing weight. It was terribly invalidating, but once I realized that she was scared it made more sense.

I also think a lot of mothers take this sort of thing as a failure in their parenting, that they couldn't help their children with something like this.

Maybe this will help you and a lot of people understand about these situations. There is a form of therapy called Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), that has what's called the ABC theory. A: an event happens; B: we have a belief about the event; C: we have an emotional reaction to the belief. So in this case A: your mom was told you were having surgery; B: she believes "I don't want my daughter to be harmed; that would be unbearable"; C: she feels anxious about you being harmed.

This is a great way to analyze the reactions of others because it allows us to take a step back and realize that its not the event or a person people are reacting to, its the belief about that even or person. Best thing to do is just validate her concerns by saying "I totally understand how you could feel that way. I agree this is potentially dangerous." Keep validating and eventually people stop feeling defensive and will open up more and hopefully become more accepting.

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Please don't wait until you are old and gray and can barely walk, breath, and sleep due to your weight. No doubt your mom is worried about you, but who wants a stroke before they are 30? Bad things can happen to people even if they don't have some kind of surgery. You sound like an independant full-grown woman who won't let other people minimize and ridicule her health concerns. Unless you are in a coma, you should be the one in charge of your health care. Love Mom from across town if you have to, but it sounds like you are going to take the next right step for your own future.

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My mom has been extremely supportive. I know I am very blessed to have her. And i guess my husband is supportive now, although he was scared for me to have the surgery. Now that I am recovered, I hear how "great" I look from everyone I see, my friends, my neighbors, my co-workers, etc. But he rarely gives unsolicited compliments. Call me needy, but occasionally I'd like to hear how great I look, and what a great job I am doing from the guy I care about most. Last night I told him how much I need to hear from him. My own spin on this rant thread, I guess!

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Sorry about all that. My mom sucks in the same way. I am not telling her about my surgery until several months afterwards...if ever. I may decide to never tell her. I came to the realization years ago that something had to change in my relationship with my mother...and she was never going to change, so I did. I have been very 'low contact' with her for nearly two years. Things in my life got much better. Don't waste your time hoping for her to react to you in a normal mothering-type manner. Keep your head up about the surgery!! If you have decided that it's the best decision for you, then go for it!

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For me, it's my bf. A lot of it is he was scared (and still is) about the surgery itself and the aftermath. Then he seems to have a chubby fetish (which he only seemed to acquire or bring out into the open) when I started talking about surgery. Post-surgery...he barely talks to me, barely touches me, rarely says anything nice (and in fact, told me he missed my missing stomach). He makes me understand why so few relationships survive this surgery :(

So yes, I understand having someone completely unsupportive. Luckily, the rest of my family is incredibly supportive and understand completely why I did this. So I try to ignore his bile and hope that he changes. If he can't accept a healthier me, then much as it hurts to say, he doesn't deserve me.

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For me, it's my bf. A lot of it is he was scared (and still is) about the surgery itself and the aftermath. Then he seems to have a chubby fetish (which he only seemed to acquire or bring out into the open) when I started talking about surgery. Post-surgery...he barely talks to me, barely touches me, rarely says anything nice (and in fact, told me he missed my missing stomach). He makes me understand why so few relationships survive this surgery :(

So yes, I understand having someone completely unsupportive. Luckily, the rest of my family is incredibly supportive and understand completely why I did this. So I try to ignore his bile and hope that he changes. If he can't accept a healthier me, then much as it hurts to say, he doesn't deserve me.

My hubby likes bigger girls too. He thinks 180 is a good weight. I was thinking 140 for my lack of height. I'm petrified of losing him because of me getting healthier/thinner. I don't wanna hurt him by passing away at a early age, but I don't want him to find me repulsive and unattractive either. ): that is why I'm always second guessing.

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Are you in therapy? I have found therapy to be incredibly helpful over the years in dealing with my own mother. I'm restarting therapy next week just to have some extra support pre and post-op, so that might be another reason to start therapy.

I'm a mother myself, my son is 22 years old. Here's my role as the mother of an adult child; be supportive when asked and mind my own business otherwise. It sounds easy but it's tough! I'm his mother, I think I know best! Making the transition from parenting a child to parenting an adult is tough and there is precious little guidance out there. It sounds like your mother needs a lot of work on boundaries and if she's not going to do that work, then you need to do the work to put up and maintain those healthy boundaries.

You deserve support. And you deserve for people who can't be supportive to mind their own business! Best of luck to you.

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If he can't accept a healthier me, then much as it hurts to say, he doesn't deserve me.

You are absolutely correct! Love yourself and demand the same from those you allow into your heart.

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I'm so sorry about what your going through. In some way parts of my family were not supportive but in a quiet way. I educated them and tried to convince them this was the best way but sometimes people have their minds made up. However forge ahead and continue to explain how this will make you healthier to be there for your children. Specifically regarding your mother, I would explain to her that like narcotics anonymous and over-eaters anonymous, the gastric sleeve is a tool that you are using to help get control of your health. Get her to agree that you only disagree on the method. Then explain to her how most obese individuals end up losing and gaining for a lifetime. Choosing your method (the sleeve) gives you the best chance of success with little risk. This procedure is extremely safe even compared with with common surgeries such as knee replacement, gallbladder removal etc. After you prove the case, if she is still the same, then you've done everything you can and can only ask that she respect your decision that on paper this is the best chance for your future health. Just do your research about the successful outcomes for both methods, it's not only good for proving her wrong but also gives you even more confidence as the surgery approaches.

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I know she's scared and everything, Her feeling's are valid one's.

I just wish she would talk about it with me instead of getting defensive.

That being said, I'm glad I can always count on the people here who are supportive and a great group of people to talk to :)

@@Pugmadkate I was in therapy from age 12-16 being a "Tween/Teen" of just then divorced parents. After going through with my Psych Eval last week I've decided now would be a great time to go back and I plan on making another appointment with the Physiologist sometime in the near future.

Edited by HalloweenBaby24

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Posted (edited)

.

Edited by ZestyLemon

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57 minutes ago, ZestyLemon said:

I just experienced this with my own mother. We just finished the first visit yesterday with my surgeon, who I absolutely adore! He said that my support people (ie husband and mother who were on the call due to COVID-19), would need to take "responsibility for helping me control my environment" and to help "keep junk foods away" from me.

So today, I had a conversation with my mom and she BLEW up about how she doesn't feel like she needs to be responsible for how I eat, that she won't condone this drastic/dangerous surgery, that my family isn't going to change for me in how they eat because they just won't give up good food (quote: "we are still going to eat pizza and you can eat you F***ing salad"), and that she isn't going to feel guilty or responsible anymore for how I eat/behave. Additionally, she just keeps saying I need to change my mindset and work harder at losing weight on my own...I have been trying since I was 13.

I have lived outside the house for 7 years now, am 24, married, and still feel like I need her blessing/approval/acceptance before going through with the surgery, but don't think I will get that anymore. I am really stressed about it. How do I work through this and find more support? My husband is 100% behind me, I just wish my own mother would be, too. Her support sometimes feels very conditional on whether I am making her happy or not. I feel like I can't make her see that I don't blame her for how much I weigh and don't expect her or my family to change for me.

I am changing for me. Period.

I'm glad that you adore your surgeon, but I disagree with him telling your mom and husband that it's their job to keep junk food away from you. You need to learn to say "no thank you" and resist the temptation. I say this is as someone who never met a donut/cake/brownie that I didn't like, someone who ate fast food every day, and sometimes 2x a day. Since surgery, I don't want that crap! My husband and kids had ice cream last night...no biggie. Now before surgery, I would have dug right in! LOL!!!

Your taste buds will chance, your appetite will change, but you have to change too!! Don't expect others to do it for you!! Lots of hugs!!! You can do this!!

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I think for me the reason it bothered me so deeply is because I never asked her to take responsibility for this or to change in any way. I absolutely know it is not their "job" to do anything different for or with me. That is why I am so upset. She just took those two little things totally out of context. It was more just about controlling environment and making places be "bariatric-friendly" as the surgeon said. Being mindful and present.

I am making the changes and doing this. She is not, but could at least be a little supportive instead of just completely tearing me down. It hurts.

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